Thursday, December 27, 2007

Savant's BCS Championship Preview

The Buckeye Charter arrives in NoLA

Well, not entirely unlike a bad herpes outbreak, the Buckeyes are BACK…in the BCS National Championship Game. This year, OSU must beat the LSU Tigers if I'm going to spend another 4-figure amount on national champs gear. Fortunately, for my pocketbook, that is NOT going to happen. I have been contemplating this game since the pairing was announced and I have come to just a couple conclusions:
1. The game WILL be closer than the 27 point beat-down the Bucks absorbed last year, but...
2. …it WON"T be close enough.

History shows us a couple things that are relevant to the outcome of this game.
First, no team has choked-away (OK - just plain "lost" on some occasions) more national title opportunities in football over the last 40 years than my Buckeyes. Wins in any of these game would have given OSU a national championship:

'69 @ Michigan,
'71 Rose Bowl vs. Stanford,
'76 Rose Bowl vs. UCLA,
'80 Rose Bowl vs. USC,
and '06 BCS Game vs. Florida.

Also, victories in any of these games would have propelled OSU to either a title game invitation or put it on the door step:

'73 @ Michigan,
'74 Michigan State,
'95 @ Michigan,
'96 Michigan,
'97 @ Michigan,
'98 Michigan State, and
'03 @ Michigan.

If you consider the 2 unanimous titles (won in '68 and '02), then OSU is 2-12 when given a football national championship opportunity.

Second, OSU's bowl record vs. the SEC is a dismal 0-8, with book-end blowouts ('78 Sugar Bowl loss to Alabama and '06 BCS meltdown vs. the Gators). In addition to those losses to the Tide and Gators, OSU has lost to Auburn, Georgia, Tennessee, South Carolina (twice), with another loss to Alabama thrown-in for good measure.

Third, in recent years, LSU has been unstoppable in the Superdome posting an excellent 3-0 mark in Sugar Bowl victories against Illinois (47-34 in '02), Oklahoma (21-14 in '04), and Notre Dame (41-14 in '07).

So the aforementioned historical record - coupled with the fact that LSU will be healthy (Dorsey expected to be 100%) and playing in front of a very partisan crowd - leads me to my official prediction………which will be revealed at the end of this post.
In order to be objective, I think it's necessary to list a few keys to a Buckeye Victory. Do I think OSU CAN win? Yes - if the Bucks can play the best game they've played in a very long time. Just three of the many things OSU MUST do to have a chance in this thing:

1. Tackle in space - LSU's speed at the skill positions will overwhelm OSU IF tackles are missed which allow for extra yards or big plays.

2. Run north - Bucks must be able to attack LSU and run between the tackles as Beanie will NOT be able to turn the corner on the LSU D.

3. Secure the ball - especially on special teams and in the passing game. Boeckman can't throw picks in this one.

Having written all of that, I think it will be close until the end.

Put me down for:
LSU 30
OSU 17

My name is Buckeye Savant and my team knows how to finish second!

War Silver Medal.

Savant. Sad. Bodypainter.


Tuesday, December 11, 2007


Conventional wisdom says the mullet ain't cool. Fair enough.

We at down and distant, however, have never been about wisdom - whether conventional or otherwise - so we're inclined to endorse the mullet as the next big thing. Why? Because the wearing of a mullet indicates a superior confidence that money just can't buy (well, money other than the $7.99 + tip needed to score a "Tennessee Top Hat"). I mean, if you have balls enough to sport the mullet these days, you're tacitly telling people that you couldn't care less about fashion and you have bigger and better things to do with your time like, for instance, Fantasy NASCAR (for all guys and some lesbians) -or- Traveling All-Girls Softball (for all lesbians…and some guys).
Here are two of the finest mullets that d&d staffers photographed on a recent staff outing, I mean trip (phew - sorry Hairy, that was close) in Columbus.

This first genius even took the time to both curl and bleach the backside. He's twice the man I am - given the fact that I have only managed to bleach my backside. Meanwhile, Dude #2 also flaunts his pork chop side-burns as a sign of non-conformity. Classic confidence. We should all be so lucky.

So add the mullet to THE list of "what's now" for 2008. You'll thank us later (and maybe end-up on a competitor's website).

War Kentucky Compromise!
Savant Out.

(ed. note: In no other sport except the aforementioned Softball is the mullet as prominent amoung the players than hockey. Players, commentators like Barry Melrose and fans....Please enjoy this fan. He doesn't really know the words or how to dance or how to stand up really, but a Mullet he has. -PK)

(HT: With Leather)

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Savant's REAL Top 10 College Coaches

(Buckeye Savant weighs in with another comprehensive, well executed pile of words for your reading enjoyment. Savant's list goes to 10, so in our continuing effort to milk the shit out of our posts so we can coast through life without so much as a how-do-you-do to effort, I've split it into 2 parts. I know the ending, but I'm not telling, except to say that Charlie Weis and Mack Brown fans may be disappointed. - PK)

Ummm, No.

5. Frank Leahy - Notre Dame: Held several head coaching jobs - led the "Seven Blocks of Granite (including Vince Lombardi)" at Fordham, had an undefeated team at Boston College, and led the Fighting Irish to four national championships while at Notre Dame. Implemented the famous T-formation in South Bend. Coined the phrase "when the going get's tough, the tough get going." In my opinion, Leahy is the reason Notre Dame is widely regarded as the best program in college football history (hmmm, I smell another list) and NOT Rockne, hence his spot on my list.

4. Fielding Yost - Michigan: Started his career with short tenures at Ohio Wesleyan, Nebraska, Kansas, and Stanford, but is best-known for his 24 years at Michigan. At "Meechigan (how Yost pronounced the school)," he was head coach for 24 seasons (although not consecutive) and won six national championships. His Wolverine squads had a gaudy winning percentage of .833 during the time he was head coach. His first U of M team outscored the opposition 550-0 before beating Stanford (the team he coached just one year earlier) in the inaugural Rose Bowl Game. His first five teams were so dominant, they were dubbed the "Point-A-Minute" teams.

3. Paul "Bear" Bryant - Alabama: Before leading his alma mater to gridiron greatness, Bryant coached one year at Maryland just prior to a stint at Kentucky where he led the Wildcats to their only SEC title in 1950. Then, from '54 to '57, Bryant led the Texas A & M Aggies where he earned a reputation as one tough S.O.B. for his grueling practices with his first team (the movie "The Junction Boys" was based on this team) - which would, several years later, become Southwest Conference Champions. Bryant returned to lead Alabama in 1958 because "when momma calls, you listen." At Bama, Bryant's teams won six national championships and, when he retired in 1982, he had accumulated 315 career wins (most of any coach, at the time). It bears (no pun intended) mentioning that his 1977 squad soundly beat the squad coached by my #2 in the 1978 Sugar Bowl Game 35-6, which still isn't enough to move up one spot behind Warner (but it's, honestly, damn close).

2. Wayne Woodrow "Woody" Hayes - The Ohio State University: Growing-up the son of a teacher and based on an early career in the U.S. Navy, Hayes not only emphasized the importance of education, but also incorporated a military approach to teaching the game of football. He was the head coach at both his alma mater, Dennison, and "the Cradle of Coaches," Miami of Ohio, before accepting the same position at The Ohio State University in 1951. His early teams struggled to grasp his conservative "three yards and a cloud of dust" style of offense, but that changed in 1954 when his Buckeyes won the first of five national titles they would earn under the leadership of Hayes.

Woody was the first major coach to recruit African-Americans as both players AND coaches. In addition, I believe he is the only coach to have had players win four Heisman Trophies. Hayes taught mandatory English and vocabulary classes to his freshman football players and was one of the first to use the motion picture as a teaching tool (OK - I got that from Wikipedia). Woody also spent countless hours visiting hospital patients and made yearly trips to Vietnam (on his own dime), thus living one of his favorite axioms (from Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay called "Self Reliance") - "paying forward." He was also "the subject of more varied and colorful anecdotal material than any other coach past or present, including fabled Knute Rockne." Here are a few of my favorite quotes attributed to Hayes:

"You win with people." (also the title of one of his books)
"Football represents and embodies everything that's great about this country, because the United States of America is built on winners, not losers or people who didn't bother to play."
"So many times I've found people smarter than I was ... But you know what they couldn't do? They couldn't outwork me. They couldn't outwork me!"
"Anything easy ain't worth a damn!"
"Because I couldn't go for three." (in response to being asked why he went for a 2-point conversion with a 34-point 4th Quarter lead against hated rival, Michigan)

His coaching tree is as impressive as anyone else in the history of the game, having developed the following assistants during his many years: Lou Holtz, Bill Mallory, Dave McClain, Bo Schembechler, Dick Crum, Ara Parseghian, Rudy Hubbard (one of the first black head coaches in college football), and Earle Bruce. Woody's career ended when his famous temper got the best of him and he struck Clemson's Charlie Bauman at the Gator Bowl in 1978. Although fired from the school he loved, Woody never spoke negatively about OSU or the administration. He died in 1987 and was eulogized by former president and close friend Richard Nixon.

Hayes was to college football what Lombardi was to its professional counterpart - THE coaching icon of the sport.

1. Glenn "Pop" Warner - Stanford: Tough call between Pop and Woody, but Warner's career will probably never be surpassed in terms of longevity or innovation. Held many head coaching jobs, but his first was at Georgia in the 1890's - followed by Iowa State and then Carlisle. While at Carlisle, he coached the great Jim Thorpe (#10 on my list) before going to Pittsburgh where he won three national titles. After an extended stay at Pitt, Pop took the job at Stanford and won another national title for his 1926 Indians (the Stanford nickname until the late 60's). Warner finished his career at Temple. Among his many innovations were the double-wing formation, screen pass, and applying numbers to players' jerseys.

Honorable Mention: Bo Schembechler - Michigan, Bernie Bierman - Minnesota, Pete Carroll, John McKay, and Howard Jones - USC, Knute Rockne and Ara Parsegian - Notre Dame, Darrell Royal - Texas, Amos Alonzo Stagg - Chicago, John Heisman - Georgia Tech, and General Robert Neyland - Tennessee.

On Deck: Jim Tressel - Ohio State

My name is Buckeye Savant and I'm headed to Nawlins armed with lots of Mardi Gras beads that I am not afraid to use.

War Buckeyes.

I'm out.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Savant's REAL Top 10 College Coaches

(Buckeye Savant weighs in with another comprehensive, well executed pile of words for your reading enjoyment. Savant's list goes to 10, so in our continuing effort to milk the shit out of our posts so we can coast through life without so much as a how-do-you-do to effort, I've split it into 2 parts. I know the ending, but I'm not telling, except to say that Charlie Weis and Mack Brown fans may be disappointed. - PK)

OK - since my REAL Top 25 College Football Players was so well-received, I thought I would tackle (no pun intended) ranking the coaches. I think football - especially college football - is a coaches' game. By that I mean coaching matters more in football than any other sport.. A good coach can win or lose games (or championships) for you and I'm not sure that's true of other sports. I mean, come on, do you really think Phil Jackson won any titles for the Chicago Bulls?

So, without further adieu, here's MY list of the best college football coaches of all-time and, again - I considered everything from titles won to innovation and IMPACT on the game. Feel free to disagree with me, but just realize that, like with most things, I am right.

10. Lloyd Carr - Michigan: Oops, this is TOP Ten Coaches...but seriously ladies and gentlemen…sorry, start over…

10 tie. Eddie Robinson - Grambling: Spent 56…yes, 56 years as head coach at predominantly black Grambling State University. Robinson won 7 or 8 Black College national Championships and won over 400 games to become the all-time wins leader. The Coach of the Year Award is named after him.

10 tie. Bobby Bowden - Florida State: "The Riverboat Gambler" coached at West Virginia before taking over at Florida State in 1976 where he turned the Seminoles into a national power. He is currently the all-time winningest coach with 370+ wins, but he made my list based on the way he built FSU into a national player. He began by playing anybody…anywhere…anytime and took his Seminoles on the road to Nebraska, Ohio State, and Notre Dame (among others). Initially, FSU couldn't play with the big boys, but, eventually, they began to win those games and Bobby's teams became an almost permanent fixture in the Top 5 from the mid-80's through the late-90's and won titles in '93 and '99. FSU played in the first 3 BCS Championship games…and he's still going. Has a 1-7 record against the #9 coach…

9. Joe Paterno - Penn State: Took over for Rip Engle in 1966 and is still the Head Coach at Penn State and has 22 bowl victories (most ever by one coach) and stands just a few victories behind Bowden (but ranks ahead of him in Division 1 wins). A model of ethics and following the rules, JoePa's Lions have struggled since joining the Big Ten, but may have had the best team in the country in 1994 - a team that should have won Paterno his third national championship, but had to play in the Rose Bowl.

8. Tom Osborne - Nebraska: After several years as an assistant coach in Lincoln, Dr. Tom Osborne became head coach at Nebraska for 25 years starting in 1973. During his tenure, the Huskers won 3 national titles and never fewer than 9 games. The trademark of his teams was stingy defense coupled with an option rushing attack. Although very consistent, his teams never got over the hump until the mid-90's, when they won titles in '94, '95, and '97. I also love the fact that Osborne went for the win by trying a 2-point conversion near the end of the famous 1984 Orange Bowl. Miami won the game, but I always admired his guts. In addition to losing that game, he lost the #7 spot on MY list.

7. Walter Camp - Yale: "The Father of American Football" made my list for his contribution to shaping the game more than his head coaching accolades - although Camp served in that capacity at both Yale and Stanford. Camp's innovations include: the forward pass, line of scrimmage, set of four downs, and may others. The All-America team was first selected by Camp, who, in addition to his coaching, was also a famous sports writer in the early 20th Century.

6. Bud Wilkinson - Oklahoma: Coached the Sooners to three national titles in the 50's and led OU to an unbelievable NCAA record 47-game winning streak (broken by Notre Dame). I don't believe Oklahoma lost a conference game until his 11th or 12th season in Norman! Bud was the first coach to host his own television program and was a meticulous and organized coach (one of the first to break-down his practice schedules by the minute). Also, played at Minnesota and won 3 national championships as a player.

To be continued. Sit a spell and wait for it. Why are you in such a hurry anyway?

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

DAMMIT! You kids get off my lawn!

I’m getting more than a little worn out at hearing the following. “Why are there any Big-10 teams in the BCS in the first place? All they do is schedule ultra shitty teams in their pre-conference schedule and then they play in a pussy conference.” Or something like that. I’ve heard this more times lately than Poon has heard ‘Please Mister, just pay me, put the gun away, and let me get back under the bridge where you found me.’ Oh sure, this time it’s directed at Ohio State, so that has something to do with my ire.

Let me stipulate a few of items ‘ere I go into this moderately thought out, jingoistic, semi-literate and snide rant.

1. I know the Big-10 is a weak conference. I think some of the other top-tier conferences are over-rated, but to be sure the Big 10 is the Meek of the Midwest this year and maybe for the last couple campaigns.

2. You’ve got to play your conference schedule, good or bad. That’s it. So if the SEC’s top five is better than the Pac-10 top five, who cares? You have to play the schedule in front of you. Every conference will have some better years than others. By the way, who wouldn’t look forward to a six-team play-off to figure out who’s better between the middlings of the big conferences? UNC, Colorado, Iowa, Arizona, Alabama and Rutgers.

3. Everybody plays the same amount of regular season games. The only difference is that some conferences have a post-season championship. Pac10 and Big 10 notable exceptions. The Big East has only 8 teams so that allows WVU to go schedule another 5th patsy. So 6 teams in the final BCS and AP polls played 13 games prior to Bowl Season, all the rest played 12. It only seems like everyone played a lot more because of starting the season later or bye weeks.

Having said all that, it comes down to the out-of-conference games a teams schedules. Right? Right. It’s my rant so you're agreeing with me for now. Let’s take a look at the out of conference schedule for the teams in the top 5 in the BCS final ranking. Number six didn’t even get invited to one of the 10 BCS bowl slots.

I’ll start with The Ohio State University to be fair. When Washington was scheduled they might have been good and they are a Pac-10 team, but this year they sucked Orca penis. So I agree when the Youngstown, Akron, Washington and Northwestern string was dubbed YAWN. This schedule must be the worst, huh? Not so fast, mother licker.

LSU: 11-2. Two losses to unranked teams, but they did lay the wood to teams from the Sunbelt, C-USA and WAC by combined score of 136-19. Not a strong group. To their credit they did play and kill VaTech early. (What? I meant the score, it was 48-7, jeesh)

Speaking of Virginia Tech, there’s the aforementioned carnage. (What? I meant the score, it was 48-7, jeesh) The Hokies also play some brutes from C-USA, MAC and 1-AA power William and Mary. (3-1 with a combined score, 96-65)

Oklahoma: (By the way, thanks to OU by the way for the assist.) OU didn’t fall into the trap of inviting a 1-AA squad to Norman for a blood letting but they did have North Texas sans Mean Joe come up and play. Add to that ACC, Mountain West and C-USA. A whopping 246 – 47.

Georgia: An early loss to the Cocks mars the Bulldogs out-of-conference schedule but they regrouped against 1-AA Western Carolina. Add to these they played the Big 12 and another ACC team. Aside from WCU, not bad.

My point here is simply this. Every good team schedules shitty teams to demolish. That’s the way it’s done. Sometimes the Appy State wins, most of the time they don’t. These examples are just for this year. Next year Ohio State has USC at their dojo. LSU adds North Texas and Troy. As someone famous once said, “I’m tired, tired, tired” of this judging of teams based on their out-of-conference schedule.

So to the drooling, mouth breathing, Ned Beatty Taint Tickling, Washer/Dryer on the front porch, double-headed douchebag that got me going this morning on the radio, bite me.

Monday, December 3, 2007

You Can't Spell BCS Without BS....Or Can You?

We sat there watching nervously
As the teams were slowly picked.
I am getting tired of Lou Holtz
And those other dickless pricks.

"First game is USC and Illinois"
They triumphantly announced.
"I hate those Goddamn fags" I said
"I hope their ass gets pounced!"

The Hooters waitress said I was drunk
And my beer would soon be cut.
I shot her the middle finger
And then threw up on her pregnant gut.

"Are you kidding me for the late game?"
Hawaii and Georgia were the teams.
"I don't give two shits if you haven't lost
And the Bulldogs? Nigga pleeeze!"

Since drinking in Mesquite for years
I've picked up on M-town schemes.
You don't drive down Lawson after dark
And Nigga you just don't scream.

"Oklahoma and WVU are next"
Some random TV black man said.
At that point I was promptly struck
A Nigga had hit me in the head.

I tried so hard to see the teams
Of which the bowl games would show.
I caught VaTech and Kansas
In the midst of the black man's blows.

I assume he suddenly got tired
Since the pummeling had stopped.
I got back on my barstool
And another top I popped.

Would we really do it?
Would the Buckeyes go again?
"The championship game is Ohio State/LSU"

Today there were talks of playoffs
And the hatred of the BCS.
Mizzou got the hose, I'll say
So did some of the rest.

There were some that were left out
And for them, I feel some shame.
But fuck 'em all I'M A BUCKEYE



Wednesday, November 28, 2007

…and now the Top Ten…

HMmm, Chief Big Jim Like 'em bootleg play.

10 Jim Thorpe, RB - Carlisle: One of the greatest athletes in American history, Thorpe led Carlisle to an historic upset of Harvard in 1911 and led Carlisle to the National Championship in 1912. A 2-time All-American - he played several positions and also excelled in track, baseball, and lacrosse.

9 Glenn Davis/Doc Blanchard, RBs - Army: OK so I combined "Mr. Outside (Davis)" and "Mr. Inside (Blanchard)." Blanchard won the Heisman in '45 and Davis followed him in '46. Blanchard played both ways and handled kicking and punting and Davis averaged 11.5 yards per carry (still a record today). With these two, Army football went 27-0-1 for three season in the mid-40's.

8 Dave Rimington, C - Nebraska: 1st player to dominate due largely to strength training - elevated the role of conditioning and started the trend of dominating Cornhusker linemen. Won both the Outland and Lombardi Trophies. The Rimington Award is named after him.

7 Paul Hornung, HB - Notre Dame: Widely regarded as the best all-around player in Notre Dame history, "The Golden Boy" is the only player to win a Heisman while playing for a losing team. Played halfback, fullback, safety, and punter - and returned kicks and punts. Possibly the best 2-way player in college football history.

6 John Hicks, OT - Ohio State: Won the Lombardi and Outland Trophies AND finished 2nd for the Heisman! Arguably the greatest offensive lineman ever to play the game, Hicks created holes for the only 2-time winner of the Heisman…

5 Archie Griffin, RB - Ohio State: Changed the role of freshman in college sports by breaking the school rushing record IN HIS FIRST GAME against North Carolina during the first year when freshman were allowed to play. An iron man of the 70's, #45 NEVER missed a game due to injury and ran for 100+ yards in 31 consecutive games. Archie became the first player to start in four Rose Bowls!

4 Davey O'Brien, QB - TCU: Led the Honed Frogs to an undefeated season in 1938 and was the first player to win the Heisman, Walter Camp, and Maxwell awards in the same season. The QB of the year award is named for him.

3 Herschel Walker, RB - Georgia: Maybe the most complete package of speed, elusiveness, and power ever. Led the Bulldogs to the 1980 National Championship - as a sophomore. May have won a 2nd Heisman if he had stayed at Georgia instead of opting for the USFL. For the record, I'm glad he left college.

2 Barry Sanders, RB - Oklahoma State: Had maybe the best season EVER for a college player during 1988 (his only season as a starter) - 2,628 yards rushing and 39 touchdowns…that's not a misprint. #21 rushed for over 300 yards in four games. That's just ridiculous enough for 2nd place on my list!

…and Savant's Greatest College Football Player of All-Time is...

1 Red Grange, RB - Illinois: "The Galloping Ghost" was a 3-time All-American who appeared on the cover of Time magazine in 1925. In his very first collegiate football game, he scored three TD's against Nebraska and in his 2nd season, he led the Illini to a 1923 National Championship.

Grange vaulted to national prominence as a result of his performance in a 1924 game against Michigan. In what was the grand opening game for the new Memorial Stadium, he returned the opening kickoff for a 95-yard TD, and scored three more touchdowns in the first twelve minutes. This four-touchdown first quarter outburst equaled the number of touchdowns allowed by Michigan in the previous two years. After sitting out the second quarter, Grange returned in the 2nd half and scored twice more for a then unprecedented total of 6 TDs in a single game!

After that game, Grantland Rice wrote the following about #77:

A streak of fire, a breath of flame
Eluding all who reach and clutch;
A gray ghost thrown into the game
That rival hands may never touch;
A rubber bounding, blasting soul
Whose destination is the goal — Red Grange of Illinois!

So there you have it, I never promised perfection, equal representation, or impartiality…just my $0.02. My name is not Slim Shady or Homer J. Simpson, it's Buckeye Savant and I am a two-time graduate of the Outright Big Ten Champion and Rose Bowl Bound Ohio State University…and I'm out.

War Buckeyes!

Who Missed the Cut (no particular order…well, OK - Buckeyes first): Orlando Pace, Jim Parker, Chic Harley, Johnny Utah: Ohio State, Hamilton Fish: Harvard, Charles Woodson: Michigan, LeRoy Selmon: Oklahoma, John Hannah, Cornelius Bennett, Forrest Gump: Alabama, Reggie Bush, OJ Simpson: USC, Bubba Smith, Tony Mandarich: Michigan State, John Elway, Ernie Nevers: Stanford, Elroy Hersch and Alan Ameche: Wisconsin, Doak Walker: SMU, Chris Zorich, Joe Montana, John Lattner, George Gipp: Notre Dame, Steve Emtman: Washington, Kenny Easly: UCLA, Michael Vick: Virginia Tech, Randy White: Maryland, Nile Kinnick: Iowa, Mike Singeltary: Baylor, Troy Davis: Iowa State, Ernie Davis, Jim Brown: Syracuse, Roger Staubach: Navy, Charley Trippi: Georgia, Ty Detmer: BYU, Warren Sapp, Bernie Kosar: Miami, Danny Wuerffel, Tim Tebow: Florida, John David Crow: Texas A & M, John Cappiletti: Penn State, Sam Huff: West Virginia, Jay Berwanger: Chicago, Reggie White, Peyton Manning: Tennessee, Tommie Frazier: Nebraska, Dan Marino, Bill Fralic: Pitt, Gayle Sayers: Kansas, Lawrence Taylor: North Carolina, Walter Camp: Yale

Savant's THE REAL 25 Greatest College Football Players of All-Time

Inventor of the Stagg Party too

OK - so ABC/ESPN are pimping their Top 25 and I notice they rank the only (for at least one more year) two-time Heisman Trophy Winner #21. Done. After reading that far, I knew their list sucked. As such, I'd like to offer MY list - which considers not only play on the field, but IMPACT a player had on the game. Let me use two Buckeyes (of course) to illustrate what I mean by IMPACT.

Bill Willis - played on Ohio State's 1st National Championship Team during a period in which black players were few and far between - even in "The North." A partial result of his success was the start of black players getting opportunities to play college (and professional sports). Even though it would be another 20+ years before some southern schools (Alabama) allowed black players the opportunity, Willis was a ground-breaker.

Archie Griffin - changed the role of freshman in college sports by breaking the school rushing record IN HIS FIRST GAME during the first year when freshman were allowed to play. An iron man of the 70's, #45 NEVER missed a game due to injury and ran for 100+ yards in 31 consecutive games. Archie became the first player to start in four Rose Bowls! 21st best? Not even close ABC!

25 Colt Brennan, QB - Hawaii: ALL-TIME TD leader (and he's not yet done) - just made island football relevant for the first time ever.

24 Bill Willis, DL - Ohio State: Played on Ohio State's first National Championship team in 1942 and also excelled in track. Earned All-American honors in 1944 and was later honored by induction into both pro and college football halls of fame. Broke the professional sports color-barrier one year before Jackie Robinson. One of the first great minority players.

23 Gerald Ford, C - Michigan: A great center (and linebacker), Ford was a leader on 2 Wolverine National Championship teams and voted Team MVP his senior year. Turned down a chance to play pro football - instead opting to coach at Yale and attend law school. Went on to become president. An example of all that is good about college sports.

22 Johnny Rodgers, RB - Nebraska: "The Jet" was the greatest kick returner in college football history and received the Heisman trophy in 1972. His punt return for a TD helped Nebraska beat Oklahoma 35-31 in one of the greatest games in history (1971).

21 Bronco Nagurski, DT - Minnesota: Won All-America honors at two positions…in the same year. Played one game with a cracked vertebrae and recovered a fumble before rushing for the winning TD. Award for best defensive player in the country is named after him.

20 Earl Campbell, RB - Texas: maybe the hardest player to tackle in the history of college football, Campbell won the Heisman in 1977.

19 Dick Butkus, LB - Illinois: Played both center and linebacker for the Illini earning two-time All-America honors and was the Big ten MVP in 1963. Probably the best linebacker to ever play college football.

18 Vince Young, QB - Texas: Set the standard for the modern dual-threat QB. Led the Longhorns return to glory by winning the 2005 Heisman Trophy and orchestrating an upset of USC in one of the greatest Rose Bowl games ever played. An electrifying player to watch.

17 Hugh Green, DE - Pitt: This decorated three-time All-American finished 2nd in Heisman balloting and left Pitt with 53 career sacks. Won the Lombardi, Maxwell, and Camp Awards. Probably the best defensive end to play the game. Unfortunately, was drafted by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

16 Bo Jackson, RB - Auburn: A bruising, fast back, Jackson was drafted by the Yankees, but instead, chose to play at Auburn where he won the '85 Heisman in a landslide. Stands behind Walker as the 2nd best RB in SEC history - based on rushing yards and TDs. Bo knows Savant's
Top 25 List!

15 Alonzo Stagg, E - Yale: An end on the very first All-American team, Stagg later gained notoriety as coach of the Chicago Maroons.

14 Deion Sanders, DB - Florida State: "Neon Deion" was the 1st DB to alter opponent's game plans, superior to Woodson in every way. One of the greatest open-field runners ever and a great punt returner, too. Sanders was twice named All-American and also played baseball and ran track for the Seminoles.

13 Tony Dorsett, RB - Pitt: Broke Archie Griffin's career rushing record and led the Panthers to the 1976 National Championship, won the Heisman, Maxwell, and Walter Camp awards.

12 Tom Harmon, RB - Michigan: "Old #98" played RB, QB, and kicker, won the Heisman in 1940 and twice led the nation in scoring (only player to accomplish that feat). In his final game, against Ohio State, he led the Wolverines to a 40-0 victory, scoring five TDs (3 rushing and 2 by passing), kicking 4 PATs, intercepting three passes, and averaging 50 yards on 3 punts.

11 Billy Cannon, RB - LSU: Led the Tigers to the '58 National Championship and clinched the '59 Heisman Trophy with a spectacular 89-yard punt return against Ole Miss.

I'll be back soon with the rest.

No Bitches, they are already done, but we need to stretch these things out a bit. What are we.....prolific? Dumbass.

Savant Out

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

He Was Robbed

As many of you know, I am a devoted Redskins fan. Today I am not speaking from my maroon and gold veins, but from my heart. The sports world has lost one of their own. Sean Taylor died this morning from a gunshot wound he suffered yesterday from a burglary at his home in Florida.
I followed Taylor's career since he was an All-American at Miami. The hard hitting Taylor would soon turn out to be one of my favorite players, even if I did despise the U. When he came into the league and was selected by Washington, there was hope in the future. This of course was followed by the realization that we still had a god-awful quarterback that couldn't lead Eddie Murphy to a tranny convention much less my Redskins. During his stay, he was known for his shut-down abilities and his paralyzing hits. (disclaimer: no players were actually paralyzed by Sean Taylor's actual hits)
To the greatest #21 to ever play this will be missed. It's time to take that 7-0 lead into the sky.


Friday, November 23, 2007

Dear Diary...........

Hours since last drink: 7
Last solid b.m.: June 3rd
Calories after 2 am: 1384

The morning shakes have finally gone away. Thankfully I have just a few drops of Bailey's in my coffee in the mornings. (I hide it in my shoe) The fact that I am losing sight in my left eye has me concerned a little bit. I think that it has to do with the change in weather. Same with the loss of feeling in my big toe and my constant nosebleeds.
So I bought another hooker last night. Went around bargain shopping on the bad corners after spending the better part of a paycheck drinking whiskey and getting 2nd hand STD's at The Beaver Dam. The hooker wasn't bad. She made it clear that she would work for coke so we both got in the back of my Bronco II and did a few lines off my stuffed boar's head. I knew that thing would come in handy. Next thing I know she is trying her hardest to give me enough of an erection to make it worth her while......unsuccessful.
I woke up to the sound of maglite tapping on my back window. As soon as the light pierced my eyes, I realized that the hooker was gone and so was my boar's head. My flacid dick still in hand, I opened up the back. Not for sure what the officer said, but I think he asked me something about anal masturbation. As I proceeded to do so, I was slung to the ground and promptly taken to jail. While I was signing my papers, I noticed that the time I was being checked in was 8:42 pm. The time change really has me fucked up. I wasted my one phone call to dial my roommate to bail me out. I thought about calling a lawyer or my family, but I just needed to get out of there. He came and bailed me out within the hour and we went to the bar.
A few drinks later I thought we should probably head home. Well, actually the bouncer decided that we should since I kept asking people if they wanted to smell a hooker's rotten vagina and then I would whip out my dick. They frown on that. Turns out it was 1:45 am anyways.
Stopped by Taco Bell, White Castle, KFC and took it all into Denny's to eat along with a Lumberjack Slam and Moons Over My-Hammy. After getting home, I threw up in the fish tank and passed out in the midst of spraying the toilet. Woke up and noticed that I hadn't even taken the time to take off my underwear or pants. I have a rash now.
Until tomorrow.


Monday, November 19, 2007


LLLLLoyd Throws in the towel today. Bon Chance Mon Ami.

Please say you're just kidding. We love you LLLLLLLOYD. Please stay. We promise we'll let you win once in a while. Don't be like that. It's us, not you. You've done nothing wrong.

What? Who said the game has passed you by??? We'll kick their ass.



PK down and out.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Tressel at the Shoe

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Buckeye crew that day:
The score stood 28-21, with but one quarter more to play.
And then when Mendenhall made the first, and Dufrene did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to the hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Boeckman could get back on the field –
We’d put up even money, now, with Boeckman at the wheel.

But the D preceeded Boeckman, as did another punt,
The first was getting pounded and the latter was a cunt.
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Boeckman getting to pass.

But the O got a penalty, to the wonderment of all,
And Mendenhall, the much despise-ed, got stopped for only 4 with the ball;
And when the dust had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,
There was Santella coming out with the rest of the Illini turds.

Then from 100,000 throats and more there rose a lusty WOO;
It rumbled through the valley, it rattled in The Shoe;
It knocked upon the Olentangy and recoiled upon the stands,
For Boeckman, mighty Boeckman, was getting his big chance.

There was ease in Boeckman’s manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Boeckman’s bearing and a smile on Boeckman’s face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly tipped his head,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt ‘twas Boeckman on the field.

Two hundred thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with crotch;
A hundred thousand tongues applauded when he hiked and did not botch.
Then while the writhing defense adjusted and read his hips,
Defiance gleamed in Boeckman’s eye, and sneer curled Boeckman’s lip.

And now the pigskin-covered ball came swiftly through the balls,
And Boeckman took it in his hands and gave it immediately to Wells.
Close by the massive tackle Wells unheeded sped-
“Second and eight,” said Boeckman. “They got nothing,” the defense said.

From the benches, black with people, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of a penis on an unfortunate coked up whore.
“Kill him! Kill Lloyd Carr!” shouted a half-naked drunken dame;
And it’s likely they’d a killed him if he was even at the game.

With a smile of Christian charity great Boeckman’s visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the offense, and once more the pigskin flew;
When he ran for 16 yards, it was deafening at The Shoe.

“GO BUCKS!” cried the ecstatic thousands, and echo answered Bucks;
But one confident look from Boeckman and the audience was no longer fucked.
The saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,
And the knew that mighty Boeckman wouldn’t let them lose this game.

The sneer is gone from Boeckman’s lip, his teeth are clinched in hate;
He pounds with cruel violence his hand on the center’s taint.
And now Boeckman pulls it back, and now he lets it go,
And now the air is pierced by the force of Boeckman’s throw.

Oh, somewhere in this Buckeye land the sun is shining bright;
TBDBITL is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere the D&D crew is drinking, and somewhere Poon is beating off;
But there is no joy in Columbus – mighty Boeckman has been picked off.

Muck Fichigan


Saturday, November 10, 2007

I know what your thinkin'

I’m sitting idly by, as the clock crawls toward the kick off of the next “trap game” for the Buckeyes. The Illini lay in wait to jam a thumb right the Buckeye's poop-hole eye, just to take the gild off the lily that is the Ohio State/Michigan game. Michigan is trying to do their part right now by being down to Wisconsin late in the game.

Anyway, as the nerves become more frayed I believe I need to take the edge off, ease the mind so to speak. Who better to help with that than Old Greg?

Ok, I know it doesn’t have a bit to do with anything but don’t you feel less anxious after seeing a scaly man-fish’s mangina? Make an assessment!

It’s Ole PK out

I know many of our readers have seen this, but WTF? You got something better to do? Bite me.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Dear Diary.........

Wow! What a day I had today. It started off like any other day I guess. My mom was yelling at me to get up and get my lazy ass out of bed. One day when I get a real job I am moving out of this place I swear. I'll prove them wrong. I'm going to be something great! Who the hell wakes up before 10am anyways?
After I got up and going, I broke out my Tom Brady poster with the eyes cut out and jizzed on his face again. Man, I miss the days before he got big and he let me do it in real life. That lucky bitch that he knocked up doesn't know how good she has it. The balls on that guy are amazing and he doesn't have one hair on his body. The fact that he bleaches makes it not only nice to look at, but sanitary to kiss. He is my lobster.
I was hungry so I went to McDonalds for my usual kid's meal with extra hot fudge to dip my fries in. I love that place, I just hate the fact that people are calling me names when I go there. What did I do wrong? The keep yelling "go fuck yourself!" "you suck!" "why don't you go get another job!" Kid's can be so cruel.
While I was ordering my second ice cream (I know I'm so bad, I can't help it) this group of really nice young ladies came up to me and asked me if I wanted to hang out with them for a while. I didn't have anything to do before Tiny Toons came on at 3, so I said why not.
We went to their house where there were probably 20 girls there. Boy were they pretty. It made me get rigamortis in my dingy. I guess they could see that and then decided that they should help me out with it. They must be nursing students because they seemed to know what they were doing. First, they gave me some medicine to calm me down. I think it was called Skol and it looked like water. It didn't taste good, but most medicine doesn't unless it's those delicious Flinstones chewables. Whatever it was calmed me down really fast. I think I might be allergic to it because it made me light headed.
After they could see that I calmed down, they removed my Nemo shirt, jeans and my Spongebob underoos. My yo-yo started to hurt so they brought over someone that I guess was the doctor. He was really nice. It must be his first time doing this procedure because they were video taping it. He started massaging it until the pressure released just like it did on my poster this morning. I guess I didn't know that this could happen with someone else's help.
The procedure was done and I was still light headed, so they said I should just walk home instead of ride my tri-kee. The whole time I was walking, people were laughing at me and yelling and throwing things. It made me cry so I started running as fast as I could. When I got home, mommy was so worried.
"Where the hell have you been? You know you aren't supposed to be out past 7 and it's almost 9! Where are your clothes!"
I didn't know the answer to any of them so I just started crying. She felt bad and put me into bed for the night and brought me some racecar shaped chicken nuggets to help me feel better. Well, I guess I better go to bed so I can wake up early tomorrow and stand on the grass for a few hours. I still don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.


Tuesday, November 6, 2007

OHIO ROCKS.....and then you fall face first into a wall drunk and break a mirror

This past weekend, the millionaire writers of your beloved D&D gathered together in the great city of Columbus, Ohio to give praise to the holier than holy tOSU. I'm done. I've completely sold out. I AM A BUCKEYE! To hell with the Aggies of which I have devoted my life to this point...I am fucking sold! A huge thank you goes out to my brothers up there for one of the best weekends of my life. I didn't want it to come to an end. What did we do you ask? Other than milking each other dry, we drank.....and drank......and for the love of God we drank.
Enough of the pole smoking, we are a sports blog dammit and we should write about sports. That is why I took it upon myself to decide once and for all which is more annoying.....1980's black man or 2007 black man.
Yeah, I'm going there. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against black people....I own a color TV. Hell, I own 2 so get off of my big black ass. Let's start.....

1980's black man
would often become lazy and quit his job. This soon led to losing his car, home and ruining his credit.
2007 black man now works and complains that he does not get paid as much as the white man.

1980's black man
makes rap music with his "posse" and smokes weed. That eventually led to cocaine and then usually hookers. The most famous to my knowledge was Eazy-E which not only led the rock star life, but then died from the AID that he got from some stupid bitch with a nappy ass weave. (listen to Boyz in the Hood and you will understand)
2007 black man makes rap music with his "homies" and smokes weed. This eventually leads to cocaine and then usually hookers. The software upgraded 2007 version now takes this to another level. There is more shooting of his fellow brothers now more than ever just because someone scuffed up his Pumas and called his mother a bizzle fo rizzle.

Now there are quite a few things that black people have over us. For example:
1. They have the biggest dicks I have ever had my hands around.....oh wait...I, that's actually what I meant.
2. They can weigh 350 and still get ass. Shit. I don't weigh that much and I go through a jar of peanut butter a week.
3. Sports.....enough said.

Final verdict.......PUSH

Stay black


Wednesday, October 31, 2007

"It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme on time that's right it's TRICKY…"

Take Savant's lead and help out the authorities
by creating your own police sketch

OK - so most of you already have your costume ideas for Halloween 2007 (Spiderman, Dirty Sanchez, Charles Nelson Riley etc.), but how many of you are prepared to play - not turn - tricks this year? We, here at d&d, are feeling a little rambunctious and, as such, would like to offer-up for your reading pleasure our Guide to Halloween Trickery.

In our estimation, all good tricks should involve one or more (more's better) of the following: public humiliation, fecal matter, special undergarments, transmission of a sexually transmitted disease (always a crowd pleaser), doughnuts, semen, a furry mammal (bonus points for using marsupials), and ethnic slurs.

If it's your first Halloween trick, try something basic. After all, you don't want to set-up yourself for failure. You might, for example, simply poop on your neighbors front porch. For added mystery, do it in a paper bag and place on the welcome mat before ringing the doorbell and running away. If you're feeling supremely confident, light the bag on fire.

Intermediate Halloween buffoonery might incorporate just a couple of these tried-and-true themes - like tossing off and unloading in the pouch of a kangaroo and then telling your neighbors there is candy in the pouch. When they reach in, they will get a fist full of goo.

Gotcha!For the advanced trickster, pull-out all the stops...

Ruffies Man. Ruffies! Hand ‘em out to the kiddos and by 7:30 it’ll look like a bomb went off in the neighborhood. Kids strewn about everywhere.

Try this if you have a storm door on your front door. Open the front door, turn your porch light on like you are giving away candy. Then turn your TV toward the door and put on the foulest raunchiest porn (Sure, HC you can use gay porn if you want) you can find, turn up the volume and leave the house. Awesome!

Go back to May and plant sweet corn in your neighbor’s lawn. By now you’ll have a bounty of delicious corn ready for harvest. MMMMM, corn.

Pesky neighborhood children? Have we got a game for you. Take the little darlings for a long walk into the dark woods. Wait patiently for the first kiddo to mutter, "Mister, I'm getting scared." That's when the fun begins. You reply, "You think your scared? I have to walk out of here alone." Then sit back and chortle as the little bastards make tracks thiugh the thicket, running into trees and shredding their tender shins on brambles. Shit, that one slays us every time.

Now comes the audience participation portion of the evening. Please add your tricks in the comment section. If you know what’s good for you, Ghoul!

Savant and crue out.

Monday, October 29, 2007

How to build a drink with ice without your wife noticing

I want to tell you about something that happened to this dude named Porkchop and how he’s trying to come to terms with it.

When Porkchop came back from a vacation this summer, Porkchop’s wife was not very happy with him. It seems he acted ugly in many ways and drank enough booze in 10 days for Porkchop’s brother and brother’s wife to call mom and tattle. Then Porkchop’s wife, “We need to talk about our future together.” Anyone who is married knows what this veiled threat is all about.

So it’s cutback time for Porkchop, who knows how good a gig he has, working from home and slapping his yambag all the time. So now he can’t drink on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, which represents a turmoil that’s significantly less than sporadically amusing. And when he does get to drink, he has to be responsible and quit before Porkchop morphs from Professor Porkchop into Fuckface Porkchop. The probability of this happening, he explained to me, indicated a potential statistical anomaly based on past performances. So that means when Porkchop’s lovely wife and family are in bed and he’s supposed to have stopped slugging back his cups, he has to sneak, which seems like a perfectly cromulent thing to do at the time. And yes, he says, before you raise your goddamned accusatory eyebrow, he knows is one of the classic indicators of alcoholism. But nevertheless, he is not going to AA because Porkchop will not submit to religion because he believes, as Einstein taught, religion is a bunch mumbo-jumbo and there probably is a god somewhere but he really isn’t interested in whether Porkchop can have another drink or two before he goes to fucking bed.

The rest of this essay is based on the assumption that a good liquor drink must be served in a glass rocks glass with plenty of ice. Otherwise, just guzzle it out of a bag, wino.

So he says the first thing to be careful of is slamming the cabinet door. Porkchop has those kinds of hinges where the door pops up about ¼ inch before it closes, and it makes a loud bang even if he keeps his hand on it. Then, the careful opening of refrigerator, which, depending on his paranoia, may include slipping his fingers beneath the rubber gasket that seals the door to break the airlock quietly. Now, one must remove the ice bucket from the freezer (not sliding but lifting and pulling) and carefully retrieving one ice cube at a time without disturbing those ice cubes contiguous to the original. With a dish towel wrapped around the glass to muzzle the clinking noises of ice falling into a rocks glass, carefully place one cube at a time inside, making sure not to upset the tedious balance of cubes already at rest. Of course, you don’t close the refrigerator while doing this so you don’t have to open it again. Quietly replace the ice bucket, then tip the glass to the side while the warm sweetness pours into thirsty vessel. Some nights, Porkchop must open another can of Sprite Zero (three to four drinks can be created per can) and this is quite difficult, because when the tab pulls and the interior gasses escape according to the laws of osmosis, it makes a loud cracking sound easily detected by the motherhearing of a wife even when she is sleeping. So place the unopened can under the shirt and wrap the non-opening hand around the outside. Slowly pull the tab while hiding in the downstairs bathroom with the poop fan on, then skulk back to the kitchen carefully avoiding the floorboards that squeak in the middle of the floor where people have been walking for 60 years.

Mix the bubbly with the marinated ice and happy juice. Almost anyone can handle the rest, including quietly installing the rocks glass in the back of the dishwasher’s top rack after you move the glass that was back there to the front so it will throw the dogs off your scent trail.

If you see Porkchop on that terrible TV show Intervention, he’ll be the one swinging punches at those in his family and friends who try to keep him from leaving.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

"Isn't That Special" - Church Lady 1987

On nearly a daily basis I stop by several blogs to get my updates on the Sport, the Entertainment, the Porn News of the day and the Whining and crying at one of the Meatchicken blogs. In all fairness they do a good job of detailing the happening of their team and its opponents. They also have, on a several times a week rate, slams on tOSU and our fans. Lots of times it’s really funny and pretty accurate given large amount of mustachioed mullet wearing townies (and Delany) that invade the area around the ‘shoe in the fall. Having said all that, their ‘You work for us’ attitude still makes me want to take a giant crap on the 50 at the Big Shit House.

This however was actually a little creepy. I thought I remembered exactly what Ohio State and its women looked like circa 1986. Wrong. Just take a look. If you aren’t from that era, withhold your judgment and go listen to Creed on your iPod.

I’m pretty sure I saw glimpses of Papa Joe’s, Mustards and maybe Travel Agency in there. See if you agree.

If you'll excuse me now, I’m going to peg the legs of my jeans and dig out my Sperry top-siders. Totally!

Hasta la vista, Baby.
PK out

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

You really need to stop masturbating.

We've been great stewards of the company time lately. Really keeping the nose to the grindstone. Not buying it? Don't blame you. What we've actually be doing is adding alternate punchlines to the old joke. A guy goes to the doctor, and the doctor says "You really need to stop masturbating" the guys says "Why?" And the doctor says because you are freaking out the other people in the waiting room." Here are some of the ones we've come up. Please stop masturbating and add your own in the comment section, Jag Off!

You really need to stop masturbating.


Because you are distracting JonBenet from her dance practice.
Because you chipped one of my teeth with your class ring.
Because Grandpa needs his colostomy bag back.
Because the microwave timer went off - your baby is done.
Because the cripple needs to shut her mouth to chew.
Because there are kids waiting to sit on Santa's lap, too!!

Listn, yu hve gt stop mstrbatng!......


bcuz i cnt type wit both thums up yur ass

Because Professor Hawking’s hair is getting matted.
Because you have to lock up the Gimp before Zed gets back.
Because, Coach Kryziewski, the TV time-out is just about over.
Because, the clown suit is a rental.
Because you’ve filled all the doughnuts.

You really need to stop masturbating.


Because the coroner is due back from lunch soon.
That’s NOT your penis!
Because I’m trying to fasten your seat belt, Captain Lerdon.
Because I’ll never be able to trust the cottage cheese again.
Because your cigarette is about to light your SpongeBob pillowcase on fire.
Because this is not considered an appropriate best-man speech.

You really need to stop masturbating.


Because Kaptain Kangaroo says you are creeping out the Dancing Bear.
Because, Holy Father, the Pope-mobile is see-through.
Because we're going to have to squeegee-off the boy's bubble again.
Because my grandmother hasn't worn those panties in 6 years.
Now your turn, McFisty

Monday, October 22, 2007

Three Seconds Left....He Shoots.......He Ruins Another T-Shirt

Ok, s0 I talk a big game and don't back it up. Remember when I said a few months ago that the summer was slow and when football season came around we would be writing more than an oriental in advanced calculus? I remember that too. What happened you ask? Well listen up you ass hat, it is hard running a multi-million dollar sports media empire. Do you think that we get nominated for awards left and right just because we listen to the voices of the poor bastards that have nothing better to do than read this thing? NO! We get nominated because we kick ass......and we know people that know people and blah blah blah.
Fear not. We are back. Unfortunately the creative juices that started flowing during the first week of football ended up just being juices leaking out of our newly bleached holes because of the olestra filled WOW chips that PK and I found on sale at the 99 cent store because they expired 10/2004. Seriously, who can pass up a bargain? I mean 99 cents with a 20% off........yeah that's what I thought.
As we digest the first 7 weeks of football, what did we learn?

Randy Moss is a fucking freak.
Tom Brady has a 15" cock with balls the size of boxcars.
The Bengals might have more arrests than wins this year.
I still want to piss on Texas Stadium and the dick it rode in on.
The Redskins are the best team in the with it.
Vinny Testeverde can raise the average age of a team by almost a decade.
Minnesota loves AP.......and number 28 is pretty good too.

While spending this week on vacation, I have a pretty packed schedule. I won't go into details, but it includes diapers, oriental men, a box of zip ties, both a phillips and flathead screwdriver, a hairless panda and a change of underwear and socks. Fortunately, this can all be checked in so that I don't have to carry any of it on the airplane. I also have on my schedule to get busy writing. This will be my first flight with our new pilot for our company jet. Seems like a good guy, Marshall grad.


Friday, October 19, 2007

Ring Ring Ring....

Hey baby, drove by your apartment last night didn’t see any lights on.

It was kinda late, actually had car trouble. What a coincidence that it was right in front of your place.

Seriously, I think it’s my alternator.

It has to do with the battery and shit.

No really, I just happened to be in the neighborhood. So anyway, did you go out or something? Studying?

PISCATAWAY?! What the hell is that?

Oh New Jersey. Didn’t know you were planning on going out of town. I was watching for you from my dorm room window and didn’t see you at the Starbucks across the street. That explains it. What’s the occasion?

Oh, yeah. USF Football. Right. Whoppiedeedoo. Still chasing the dream, huh? Are you there alone?

Of course. What a douche bag. Aside from being starting QB what he got?

OH YEAH, WHORE? Well they lost. You like that Bitch? LOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSERS! Hope you had fun while it lasted with your over-rated homos.

Baby I’m sorry. Can I call you when you get back…..Hello? Hellooooooo? Damn it.

Monday, October 15, 2007

College Football is good, exciting

IndyBuckeye took time away from reading case histories about Taiwanese trannies in a dark corner of his law office to post this comment on the last d and d post. “Got dam Buckeyes have been #1 for almost 24 hours now and nothing. Nice Blog. Get off your asses.”

Oh puhlease, like I’m going to fall for that shit. Do I look like the kind of maroon that will hurry up and post something just because he gets a little heat from our reader? I think not. I was planning on putting something up here today anyway.

So the Buckeyes are number 1 in the first installment of the BCS rankings. I should probably begin by saying how I think the Buckeyes are over-rated and got there by just not losing to push-over patsies like many of the 11 teams that were ranked ahead of them at the start of the campaign. I should also say that South Florida is probably a better pick to be #1 with more quality victories over ranked teams (when they played and now). But I won’t.

Based on how this season is rolling there will be 3 more different number 1 teams before the bowl series is solidified. It’s been one of, if not the best, college football seasons in memory with huge upsets every week. This season, being number one is a temporary ailment. With trips to State Penn and The Whore and visits from Illannoy and Wishconsin, the Buckeyes could easily be the next to cede the top spot to the next victim. In this case the South Florida Somethings. Alligator Anuses?

Ok, now having said all that. The GD Buckeyes are number 1 bitches. New Orleans here we come.

PK, schizo and out.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Road Trip Checklist

I'm not exactly sure if I'm supposed to post this for Savant or not. He wasn't specific so I thought I'd be err on the side of caution and get it up here. Sounds like he's got all the makings for a pretty nice weekend.

Ok, just about to head out of town for a Music Festival. I need to make sure I've got everything for an enjoyable trip.

First, Red See-through Teddy. Check.

Super Terrific Hi-tech Holographic Porn Goggles.

Check Breast Pumps. Checkerino

Headset. Yep

Joy Stick. Check and Check (wink, wink)

and ergonomically designed mouse. Checkity Check.

Ok, I'm ready for the Second annual Buckeye Savant-Super-Duper-Excellent-Music-Road-Trip. One-hundred mile rule activated. See you in Hell Bitches.

Thursday, October 4, 2007


Well, once again, it's time to contest the champion of our national pastime. Although I would argue until I'm blue-in-the-face that football is our "true" national sport, the baseball playoffs always remind me of the greatness and purity (aside from the steroids, of course) of the sport. No game has changed less over the years than baseball - still nine innings, no clock, wooden bats. I suppose expansion (of both teams and the playoffs) has changed the landscape of the game, but hitting a 90 m.p.h. curveball in 2007 is still as tough to do as anything in athletics.

There are several interesting storylines developing. Loveable losers the Chicago Cubs and Cleveland Indians are "in" - as are The "Evil Empire" and their nemesis, The Red Sox. The Phillies benefited from the Mets' monumental collapse to earn their spot - along with the Angels, Diamondbacks, and Rockies.

The best World Series would be Cubs vs. Indians, but my money is on just one of the perennial losers getting there, which brings me to my "official" prediction:
Red Sox over Cubs in 6 games.

On Friday, I will be on my way to Cleveland to root, root, root for my Indians against the Yankees. It remains to be seen if Joey Joe Jr. Joe Schabadoo (not to be confused with Joe Charboneau) will also be at Jacob's Field. Chances are, he'll just be in Texas watching. Maybe getting blown or sucked…if he's lucky.

War Tribe.

Savant Out.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

I Hate Lou Holtz

Lou Fucking Holtz is the biggest fraud to be perpetuated on college football. Shame on ESPN for putting this cheating fake on the air. I’m sick of his squirrely little mug, his goofy toupee, and his fake “aw-shucks” demeanor, delivered with a lisp reminiscent of Ron Howard from his homo-erotic turn as Andy’s son in Mayberry.

Why do I hate “Saint Lou” so. Let me give you four reasons. Arkansas. Notre Dame. Minnesota. Notre Dame. What do these four schools have in common? They all ended up on probation for violations that occurred when Lou was the coach there. And the biggest coincidence? Saint Lou didn’t know about any of it! What a lying douche bag. What I can’t understand is how he has gotten a pass on this from the mainstream media. Bill Belicheck tapes defensive signals, and people react like he lived next door to movie starts and invited Charles Manson over to dinner. Yet Lou gets four—count ‘em—four schools placed on probation, quits, writes a book, gets a tv deal, and lisps his way through his “pep talk” segment. Fucking douche. For a great read on the subject, Click here.

In the meantime, fuck Lou and the miniature pony the sawed off runt rode in on.
HC Out.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

d & d Pop Culture Update

OK - we freely admit that opinions are like assholes (everyone's trying to get their finger in got one), but since reading our blog "don't cost nuthin'," we will continue to post whatever crap we want and hope your keep coming back.
Note to Staff: Add fake internet porn portal to make sure nobody willingly clicks away from d & d. Ever.

…now, on to our professional opinion on several current events…

OJ Simpson - No redeeming human qualities what-so-ever. We can forgive the wife murdering, but dating white women and stealing sports memorabilia? At least he never got over on the Buckeyes (27-16 Rose Bowl Winners in 1969).

Britney Spears - Wow. Too easy.

International Talk Like a Pirate Day - Outstanding. Of course the challenge is to opine about this without using traditional pirate talk (that would be too over-the-top…even for d & d). The only thing better than International Talk Like a Pirate Day would be International Dress Like a Pirate Day (especially if you can pull-off the Kent Tekulve look). On second thought, getting blood out of a clown suit is tough enough - maybe this is a bad idea .

Gay Sex in Bathroom Stalls - OK, we understand this is hot, but it's so unhygienic (I mean, come on…"eewww"). Larry Craig may like hot, sweaty man sex, but just say no to "in the can" sex…wait, what we meant to say is…oh forget it. Get a room already.

Michigan Football - Still sucks, but not as bad as Notre Dame. Several staffers barely passed Philosophy 150 (symbolic logic), but we feel confident in offering the following proof:
1. Appalachian State sucks
2. Appalachian State beat Michigan
3. Michigan beat Notre Dame

Therefore…Appalachian State sucks, Michigan swallows, and Notre dame takes it in the arse.

Note: d & d would like to thank the brilliant young minds of West Virginia University - circa 1998 - for demonstrating that proof (albeit with different schools) on a bed sheet hanging off the front porch of a house on campus.

Now get back to pretending to work and stay tuned for more pop culture updates...

Savant Out (not that kind of out, just logging off....not that way.....I mean.....fuck it. Later)

No Excuses

I KNOW. We are the sorriest excuse for a blog in the entire interwebtube world of blogging. No excuses. By that I mean we have them, but I’m not going to try to sway your opinion of us by listing them here. We should stand on our own merits of competent and prolific blogocity. It shouldn’t matter that Poon’s new job as Chief Gnat Shit out of Pepper Picker is taking up all his time. And of course the medication he is taking for his pending “Change” makes him tired and negatively effects his creativity.

Savant hasn’t been seen since he ran off with
Fritz the Erasure roadie. We know he’ll be happy as a clam….A clam with a ball-gag permanently crammed in its mouth that is.

Pork Chop, well you know Pork Chop. He’s been on a Hunter S. Thompson-like bender all summer. He’ll eventually tear down the foil off his apartment windows and emerge like Punxsutawney Phil only to realize it’s a cold drizzly late-fall in the Midwest and retreat to his bath-tub gin, Newports and crack whores.

Hairy Carrey, has always been thought of as the supposedly most upstanding and responsible of the bunch…PFFFFFT. He’s been way too busy trying to work the bugs out of his “theft prevention” cameras he installed in the girls locker room at his school. Good news is that theft is down but Ted the janitor is confounded about the origin of all the icing on the floor of the Asst. Principal’s office, and how to clean it up.

Even yours truly may have lost the muse. I’ve just really been depressed since I found out that
Rosie O’Donnell was leaving The View. I just love her. I think it's so cute that most of the time you can still see her breakfast of bacon and ranch dressing on her chin. That GD Drew Carey, he must have blown someone to take away her rightful gig on The Price is Right. Bastard.

Seriously, none of that should matter. If we need to we’ll fire the whole fucking bunch of them and run Indy Buckeye and his footie pajama wearing posse in here if we can get some decent production out of this bitch. We’ll pull that trigger in a red hot second. Let this be a warning shot across your collective bow, Down and Distant. Get yer shit squared away and write, dammit. Or you’ll find your self right back where you started, making scary preditory comments on the Hannah Montana fan site.

So as not to have this post be just about bitching and complaining here’s a nice photo of the beautiful and talented Mrs. PK in Seattle, where she and PK were supporting our beloved Buckeyes. More photos available upon request. And, NO Hairy, not those types of photos. You perv.

PK out

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

It's Official: M*chigan Really Sucks!

OK - so we're a couple days late with this post, but give us a break. d & d went on a 3-day bender/road trip to buy Appalachian State shirts. Although we were unable to secure sponsorship rights, we think you ought to buy one: HERE

(ED: it's BOONE, North Carolina - which is just a couple letters away from being an outstanding town name.)

We at d & d feel somewhat validated by Appalachian State's victory (yes - FOOTBALL victory) over the M*chigan Wolverines. After all, we have always thought M*chigan sucked…just not THAT much. Jeesch.

You know it's probably karmic payback for all their superiority crap we've taken over the years. Furthermore, it's perfect justice for scUM loudmouth (and former Heisman contender) Mike Hart who guaranteed a rematch win after his team lost to their rival, THE Ohio State University last year. I wonder if Mike thinks his team could win a rematch against Appalachian State? I also wonder how long until LLLLLoyd Carr blames OSU for this loss?

Food for thought - can you imagine how badly the Mountaineers (that's Appalachian State's nickname - in case, like 97% of the county - but not Buckeye Savant- you didn't know) would have beaten Michigan on a neutral field?

Maybe this is a little harsh…I mean there is an upside for the scUMers: at least scUM found a way to make their program relevant again! Not every NCAA Division I program can participate in the greatest college football upset of ALL TIME. True 'dat!

Death, taxes, and M*chigan sucking…just a few of the universal truths.

Savant Out - going to have some iced tea, sweetened with the sweetest substance known to Little Baby Jesus......LLLLLOYD Carr tears.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Football, Goo and Dead Hookers....DAMN I LOVE SUNDAYS!

In my never ending pursuit of throwing everything in my life to complete shit for the sake of sports, I have just finished my 4th fantasy football draft. I know that there are some of my humble followers out there that are in more drafts that I am and for them I simply say, "suck it.....yep suck it." Is there really a need for this? Can one league not fill your sports tummy full of stats and upkeep enough to make it through a season? Do you really have a chance of winning any of your leagues? Is it odd if you have the Little League World Series playing in the background while you are multitasking between webpages of fantasy football drafts and amateur porn?
The answers of course are no, no, no and no as long as the sound is off. I guess that is one of the great things about not having a roommate. I can sit around on Sundays watching sports and having long distance shooting competitions all day without someone interrupting me. What are you doing? Put your pants on! Why is there mayonnaise in my shoe? Is that a dead hooker in your room covered in cocaine and peanut butter? Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You know as well as I do that during the summer when all you have is baseball to watch, you have to find ways to pass the time until football starts up.
Now that we are so close to the start of the greatest sports season of the year, of course I encourage you to join a few fantasy football leagues. Yeah, a few. Join 3 or 4. Pick different players in all of the drafts so you have some sort of chance of winning. I plan on spending at least 2 more nights this week at home alone getting completely hammered sitting in front of my computer ignoring calls from the old lady and partaking in more fantasy football teams. I expect my minions to do the same.
The only other piece of advice that I have for you is to put some effort into your team name.....almost as much effort on that as actually picking your team. I don't want to run into one of you online and see your team name as your email address or your actual name. Get creative. Here are some of my team names that you may steal.

off in the shower - Although I can't take full credit for this one, it is genius. Even if you lose a week the other person still has to say they beat off in the shower. There are some versions of this that you may also use like.....
off in your mother
off in penny loafers
you get the idea.

Granny's Hairy Hole - Nothing really special here, just disturbing enough to make you known.

A Stool Sample Named Desire - Again, can't take full credit for this one, but I like it.

Enjoy fantasy football like I do this year and good luck.

Of course by good luck I mean I hope that you don't ruin every aspect of your life within the next 6 months by taking my word on playing fantasy football. If you do, I'm looking for a roommate.

Fantasy Poonball

Monday, August 13, 2007

Reunited and it feels so good…

(ed: Buckeye Savant actually asked permission to do two Rock and Roll posts back-to-back. Well, how could we keep him from doing so? He does work in a vinyl record shop, wears sleeveless black concert t-shirts and has a 6' bong named Tall Stanley and smaller one named SpAced Frehley. Plus it's not like anyone is really shaking the late summer doldrums off this MFer. So on with the show Savant. Hello Cleveland!)

OK boys and girls, drop your linen and start your grinin' as it looks like 75% of the original bands Van Halen and Led Zeppelin will be touring (albeit separately) in the next 6-7 months. If you don't already smoke pot, this is as good a time as any to start (just stay away from Washington Park). Van Halen is all but confirmed for 50 US dates and it is very likely Led Zep will follow suit. Although the roll of Michael Anthony will be played by Wolfgang Van Halen (Eddies' son) and Jason Bonham will beat the skins in place of his dad, John, expect both outfits to bring-it!

I'll go out on a limb and guarantee the following for each show: outrageous ticket prices, hot, skanky topless hard rock groupies, palpable nostalgia, contact buzzes, sweet-ass concert shirts, and really great music. Two of the best front-men in the history of rock-n-roll will be on display (one wearing ass-less chaps, which, ironically, strikes me as "less gay" than wearing regular chaps) so chug a few Red Bulls before the show as you may need every ounce of energy.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Something happened at AT&T Park last night

ATT Park -- the scene of the crime
I know it’s controversial and polarizing. It may also be racially dividing. It’s a topic that has battle lines drawn between baseball fans young and old. Something happened last night in the City by The Bay. We don’t usually shy away from controversial topics at Down and Distant so it’s no wonder that we are going to tackle this one.

For some reason I found myself watching the telecast of the Nationals and Giants game from AT&T Park. That’s when it happened. It’s tough to talk about but here goes. They have a woman PA announcer there. I know! Can you believe it? First Title IX, then Pam Ward in the D-1 college TV booth, now a skirt at a ball park. Oh the horror. She was really belting it out, so it would have been tough to miss her over-announce-screaming the names of Giants as they approached the plate.
The fake Condi Rice, Renel Brooks-Moon Giants announcer.

Maybe baseball should put an asterisk next to Giants home wins. Too harsh? I’m not so sure.

PK. Out.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Who's Now

As much as I love me some ESPN, lately I have been highly disappointed with the hollow attempts to try to bring something funky and hip to those of us that repeatedly watch SportsCenter for hours at a time. Believe me, I would give righty to get Dan Patrick and Keith Olberman back on the same team in the mornings, but I have come to the realization that it will never happen and I’m ok with that.
What I’m not ok with is this Who’s Now crap.

“Who’s Now? More like Who’s watching this shit?”

I’ll wait for the applause to stop…….oh. Guess they never started for that one. Either way my humble followers filthy peasants chronic meat beaters, I would rather stick my dick in a porcupine’s ass than watch another second of this crap. This did get me thinking though about something that we might be able to do here at D&D. All day we have been sitting around dressed as our favorite Village People (I’m the cowboy!) and we have come down to the semi-finals of our Who’s More Gayer-ier Tournament. We have 4 different regions with contestants from TV, music, sports and religion. Here are the finalists.

The finalist from the “Bob Saget” region is Little Ricky Ricardo. Ouch, did I strike a nerve right off the bat? Have you known for us to care about your feelings? Then shut that glory hole of yours and keep reading. Everyone remembers when Lucy was working in the chocolate factory and shoved all that chocolate in her mouth because her and Ethel couldn’t keep up with how fast the belt was running. (season 2 episode 39 if you were wondering) Well, the episode where little Ricky tried to see how many hot dog wieners he could shove down his throat was somewhat the same, but not all that popular….especially for the time period we are talking about. I don’t know what sex move the “Babalu” is but if I don’t know it, it must be crazy. The awkward scene between him and Fred will not be discussed here…..even by me and that’s saying a lot. Move on Little Ricky…..move on.

Coming from the “Chinese Women’s Olympic Swim Team” region is John Amaechi. Yes, it might be the easiest pick for us to make it to the finals, but show me someone more deserving. This little ball-gagger was the first big time pro athlete to publicly come out of the closet. As much as I hate to say that this guy was a pro athlete (since I never heard of him until he came down with the gay) he did play pro ball and that’s more than I can say for myself. Can he beat me in a game of one-on-one…..yes. Can he throw me a little rusty trombone on birthdays and anniversaries? Yes! That’s why he won the bracket.

From the “What Exactly Does the ‘H’ Stand For” region is Zacchaeus. Yes he was a wee little man and a wee little man was he. There are photographs of him hanging out in a Sycamore tree too catch a quick glimpse of his man crush. When the two of their eyes met, it was magic. J said, “Come down from there. We should have dinner tonight. I’ll bring the wine.” Cheap bastard. He just brought water and changed it on the spot. Anyways, anyone that can sneak a peek of JC’s browneye gets votes from me. He’s in.

Finally, from the “Assless Chaps” region is Lori and Reba Shappell. Yeah I went there. You can’t tell me that for the first 35 years of their single lives that there wasn’t some crazy stuff going on. I mean that close to each other they must have messed around more than once. I will say that when you get them drunk they are quite the pair. I still hope that they will return my call. I feel so used. To the finals with you before I puke.

So in the semi (chuckle) finals we have Little Ricky Ricardo facing John Amaechi and Zacchaeus going head to head to head with Lori and Reba Shappell.

This is where we do a little audience participation… make the call. Who is going to move on from the regions? If nobody leaves comments, I will start replacing people in this list with real people that I know that read this blog daily. I will put your home address, cell phone number, first and last name and possibly your social security number. Not a threat, just a head’s up.

As P-Diddy said, “Vote or Die.”

After all that, I will still take Tiger Woods over Lebron James in the Who’s Now finale.

Poon’s Now