Friday, November 23, 2007

Dear Diary...........

Hours since last drink: 7
Last solid b.m.: June 3rd
Calories after 2 am: 1384

The morning shakes have finally gone away. Thankfully I have just a few drops of Bailey's in my coffee in the mornings. (I hide it in my shoe) The fact that I am losing sight in my left eye has me concerned a little bit. I think that it has to do with the change in weather. Same with the loss of feeling in my big toe and my constant nosebleeds.
So I bought another hooker last night. Went around bargain shopping on the bad corners after spending the better part of a paycheck drinking whiskey and getting 2nd hand STD's at The Beaver Dam. The hooker wasn't bad. She made it clear that she would work for coke so we both got in the back of my Bronco II and did a few lines off my stuffed boar's head. I knew that thing would come in handy. Next thing I know she is trying her hardest to give me enough of an erection to make it worth her while......unsuccessful.
I woke up to the sound of maglite tapping on my back window. As soon as the light pierced my eyes, I realized that the hooker was gone and so was my boar's head. My flacid dick still in hand, I opened up the back. Not for sure what the officer said, but I think he asked me something about anal masturbation. As I proceeded to do so, I was slung to the ground and promptly taken to jail. While I was signing my papers, I noticed that the time I was being checked in was 8:42 pm. The time change really has me fucked up. I wasted my one phone call to dial my roommate to bail me out. I thought about calling a lawyer or my family, but I just needed to get out of there. He came and bailed me out within the hour and we went to the bar.
A few drinks later I thought we should probably head home. Well, actually the bouncer decided that we should since I kept asking people if they wanted to smell a hooker's rotten vagina and then I would whip out my dick. They frown on that. Turns out it was 1:45 am anyways.
Stopped by Taco Bell, White Castle, KFC and took it all into Denny's to eat along with a Lumberjack Slam and Moons Over My-Hammy. After getting home, I threw up in the fish tank and passed out in the midst of spraying the toilet. Woke up and noticed that I hadn't even taken the time to take off my underwear or pants. I have a rash now.
Until tomorrow.


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