Sunday, April 29, 2007
Also, for those of you that were lucky enough to be in my presence last night, I still don't get Jimmy Buffet. I thought about it long and hard (laugh) today and I really don't get why I paid $20 for parking, $105 for the 3rd row ticket (Oh no. Not that third row. The third row of bleachers which is actually 16,000 yards away from the stage.) $8 for beer and $5 for nachos. Hey, at least we got there at 10am and started drinking. There were two good things that I saw there.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Her mother got 30 days in the can for this. Honestly, pretty easy for 310 marijuana plants! If you are wondering where this information came from.......well, it was from 2005. This was apparently just leaked and there is a big stir about it. I don't care. You don't care. But you just keep bitching "Why don't you guys post something?" "Why has it been so long since you posted?" "Why do you cry for 30 minutes after you masturbate?" Well, we are back on the scene. That's why. Breaking news and sports updates regularly. Welcome back.
"Do you have change for a $10?"
"My wrist smells like dog's dick."
"Shit. Just keep the rest for the Angry Dragon."
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
As PK proclaimed in his "State of the Distant Address", we are changing our direction and are also going to give more effort to this deal. In all honesty, we want more money so we can move our headquarters to Victory Park and finally get out of this shitty $7 million dollar office building.
Maybe some of our readers can help me out on something that was brought to my attention the other day. No, I know that sucking dick is not gay unless you say I love you. Thanks though. But I thought that the term tennis shoes was a world standard. You know other than the fact that in Italian it would be scarpa de tennis. I think some other countries are still not on board with speaking english, but I'm not sure. I was corrected the other night when I found out that some people use "sneakers" instead of tennis shoes. Maybe it's a southern thing and the yankees that were trying to correct me are just a bunch of "eh" saying and Heineken drinking dick wads. But who's judging. For a little clarification, I thought that I would call my good friend John McEnroe to see if he had any input.
D&D - Hey, John. Thanks for helping me out on this.
John - WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU SORRY SHIT EATING MOTHERFUCKER. No problem.
D&D - So how are things going?
John - IF YOU DON'T PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF THAT FUCKHOLE YOU CALL AN ASS I'LL SHOVE THIS TENNIS RACKET UP YOUR DICK! Pretty good. The kids are getting big, you should come down and see them sometime. I'm sure they miss uncle -insert real name here-
D&D - I know. It's been forever. It takes alot of time running close to a billion dollar empire. Well, I have a real question for you. I know you were born overseas, but do you say tennis shoes or sneakers?
John - I SWEAR TO JESUS ALMIGHTY THAT I COULD GRAB YOU OFF OF THAT CHAIR RIGHT NOW AND AND LAY AN ASS WHIPPIN ON YOU THAT YOUR MOTHER WOULD BE JEALOUS OF. Hmmm. Never really thought about it, but I say tennis shoes. Probably because I play tennis. You know, now that I think of it, I don't know anyone that says sneakers. That's probably not a whole lot of help, but that's all I got.
D&D - No, that was helpful. Just wanted a little input from someone else. Well, I gotta go ass bang your daughter before she is completely unconscoius from the roofie-colada I shoved down her throat.
John - What?
D&D - Huh?
John - Eat Shit.
Well, that was rude for him to hang up on me. Well, there you have it. I will send out an e-vite for the world leaders to now use tennis shoes and only tennis shoes when referring to sneakers from here on out.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Lastly. I’m not as funny, punny or quick as Poon. I know. I know. I was shocked to learn it myself. I was informed by long time Down and Distant
retard reader John who took time away from putting salt on his asshole and hanging out at petting zoos to let me know that Poon is better at this stuff than yours truly. Well, shit. Granted, Poon is a certified bad-ass. He’s certified in Judo (the gay kind), generally has good hygiene (the gay kind) and all of a sudden just discovered that he is left handed (again, gay). Poon also makes fun of minorities and the disabled. Just saying. The gauntlet has been thrown. I vow to strive for comedic heights that I’ve hitherto never dreamed of, just so the Syracuse Syphilis Slinger, John can eat his words and finally have something in his mouth besides Poon’s ass. Not bitter, just sayin.
poon at last year's "Judo, Mustache and Rainbow" Parade
Oh yeah, Mavericks in 5. Sports
Monday, April 9, 2007
Everything that we report here on D&D is 100% true. From the hummer I got from Jason White to my talk with Hellen Keller to me finding out 25 years into life that I am left-handed. We pride ourselves in this and I like to think that all other professional million plus dollar a year writers do the same. Well, I stumbled across an article the other day that really bothered me. Why didn't I write about it sooner? Well, honestly, I have been on quite a drinking binge for the past few days and I couldn't compose myself for long enough to masturbate much less write.
In my journeys I have come to see that there are many pure things in this world. A father and son at their first baseball game together, waking up early to go fishing with no cell phone or blackberry, a first kiss you have when you know that you are meant for that person. Side by side with those are the purity I feel about porn stars. Hard-working women that are just normal next door girls. Nothing fake or untrue about it. What this a-hole was reporting is that all-natural porn star Jenna Jameson had a vaginoplasty gone bad. Seems that she lost between 40-60 pounds from the procedure. I've seen some of her documentaries like "The Masseuse" and "The Passion of the Christies" and have not seen anything that would imply that she needed a little meat chopped off. For shame to this person for writing false information.
Well, PK is coming back in town this week and boy will he be impressed that we have fired that whore bitch from accounting. Serves her right for not praising our every steps like the rest of the minions. Since I am going through detox this week I should be able to put a few more posts up here. Hold on.
PK is at the bar gotta go.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Baseball season is upon us, and all is right with the world. That is, unless, you believe the liberal, east coast media who would like you to believe that Barry Bonds, the best major leaguer in the past 100 years, is a cheat. What the hell ever happened to innocent until proven guilty? One simple glance at the above photo vindicates Bonds, but do you see the liberal whack jobs running this picture of an obviously trimmed down Bonds reporting for spring training just last month? Of course not. Bastards.
On a more positive note, the Chicago Cubs, with new manager "Sweet Lou" Piniella, have the hitters to make a run in the National League. Unfortunately, Prior and Wood rode into camp on the short yellow bus and as go those two chuckleheads, so go the Cubs. Keep the faith, Cubbie fans--next year is the 100th anniversary of the 1908 World Champion Chicago Cubs, the last Cubs team to win the World Series. Look for the Cubs to make things interesting this year, and then to bring the baseball world to its collective knees in 2008 with the most sentimental of seasons.
It's a beautiful day--let's play two!