Thursday, April 28, 2011

NFL Draft: 1st Round Coverage Wrap-Up

We do hope you've enjoyed our wall to wall coverage of the first round picks of the Cowboys and Redskins in the NFL draft for 2011. You may have noticed that we also threw in 2 (two!) coverage entries of the first pick of the first round. This is coverage that you get nowhere else, folks. Don't even try to find it anywhere else.

At this point, you are falling all over yourself to find the "Donate Now" link. Don't bother. We only take cash payments in dirty, thrice used envelopes under bathroom stalls.

Props to Poon to getting the Twitter feed to work. This man will stop at nothing to slowly inch Down and Distant into the bung hole of your social network consciousness like a reluctant prison bunkmate whilst sleeping.

Yours in Christ,
The Pickled Mick.

Redskins #10....Wait, They Did What?

Round: 1

Pick: 10 oh yeah, 16 because we don’t need a single person now do we?

SON OF A WHORE!!!! Yes, you read it right. The heralded LB Ryan Kerrigan is a son of a whore. Growing up to a family that adopted him in Taiwan, he struggled through life. His mother was constantly scrutinized for her son’s fascination with beating the hell out of his fellow town members. Thinking that this meant he was some sort of demonic being, his mother was whored out for trade. In 1993 while riding the captain of the pirate ship “Barnacle Scrubber 3”, one of the deck hands Tweeted Dan Snyder that he needed to come to Tijuana to see this kid when they docked. While knee deep in cocaine and hookers, Dan agreed that this kid was the most amazing athlete that he had ever seen. He took down the bouncers with ease and even killed a donkey on stage just so that he could show the crowd how it was really done.

Skill Set: While at the draft, NASA developed a new device on which to tell time because he was constantly finishing the 40 yard dash before the timekeepers could click the stopwatch. During the bench press he asked that they move the drill outside so that he could hook up the water towers to the end of the bar. Simply said, by far the best pick in the draft.

IQ: At first he was considered a risky pick because of his low score on the Wonderlic test. When he was informed of this, he drove to the Wonderlic headquarters to review the test. Once he was able to explain his answers, the Wonderlic Company immediately shut their doors and he developed his own company with the same name to preserve the integrity of the game. He proved to them that every question they had was given an incorrect answer. In short….he’s perfect.

Overall – He is a model citizen, best that the game has ever seen at his position, has already been contacted by the Pro Football Hall of Fame……make your own conclusion. Mine is easy. Getting his face tattooed on my face as we speak.

Cowboys #9... er... yeah, #9 Pick

Clearly the best pick of the draft! This fills EVERY need the Cowboys EVER had in the history of the franchise.

Name: Tyron Smith/ OT
School: USC

Skill Set: This guy clearly has better/faster hands than I do and can hit infinately harder. He runs the 40 faster than your average twenty-something and would likely anchor your team in your 4th of July back yard tug-o-war contest. Clearly better than 99% of the population of the United States at American Football, he now can say he makes more money than them, as well.

In the room: Will be shy at first, not wanting to shower in front of the professional boys. Gentle handling in the shower will bring him out of his shell. Other than that, should be a good room guy, unless he isn't.

General IQ: This guy is the smartest around when singing selections from Gerardos 1991 hit album "Mo Ritmo" by himself into a hairbrush alone in his bedroom room wearing nothing but a pair of tejano style cowboy boots.

Going at #9 in the draft suits him well. So well, in fact, that I expect him to wear that number next season, if it isn't taken.

Chris Berman Has AIDS

OK, he doesn't (or does he?) but I figured that saying Cam Newton has had a house in Carolina for 6 months would be boring to read. Welcome to the "I owe you" draft fellow NFL fans. We will keep you posted throughout the night on developments on trades.....wait no trades........surprises......probably not actually.

Well who gives a shit. It's a Thursday night and The Office doesn't start for a bit. What else do you have to do?


Checking In...

I'm punching my D&D timecard to check in for tonight, this night of the draft. I bring to the table a vast lack of knowledge regarding college football players and I hope I get more entertaining as the drinks flow. As it stands, I've only had three beers.

1st Pick: Cam Newton and his pink tie, forever cementing his legacy as a bust, no matter what level of mediocrity he rises to in the NFL.

If this holds my interest (and I don't switch to basketball or porn), I will check back in.

Clocking out, biznatches, I'm on my break.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Chandler Puts the D in Mavericks...Wait...

I will absolutely not downplay the role that Tyson Chandler played in the game 5 win on Monday..not at all. 20 rebounds is nothing to laugh at, especially with 13 of them coming off of the offensive boards. With that said, one person does not win games. If you are a Mavs fan then you felt not comfort when they were up by 13 with less than 6 minutes left. What was different from that Saturday abortion of a game? Other than the fact that I wasn't on eBay looking for a used noose, team D. Get used to it fans. Team D is here to stay. With the embarrassment that the team and city had to withstand until the win on Monday, Carlisle made it no secret that this team was focused on closing games. Period.


Anyways, watch for more of the same tomorrow and less of the legless wonder Brandon Roy.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

NFL to Down and Distant: Who Are You Again?

As the NFL lockout continues to drag on and more people are finding that baseball is worse than an ass kicking from this guy, we at D&D struggle to make it through these hard times. Not only with content, but with our sanity. Nothing can be closer to a kick in the 'ol sand bags than telling a "sports blog" that really only knows football that they have the possibility of having no material for the next 12 months. Thanks a lot Bin Laden. Content is slow, but coming sooner than later.

With that said, hold steadfast and don't bail on us just yet. New Twitter feed is up, Facebook page is....well Facebooky. Hell we may even put ads on here so you can pay for our website hosting. Lord knows you don't give us the emotional support we need.

Keep the dream alive.