Thursday, January 24, 2008

How To Do New Orleans - d&d Style

Let me just start off by saying if you're going to lose a bowl game - even a national championship - New Orleans is the place in which to do it! Most of our staff went on a recent road trip bender to "The Crescent City" and we'd like to offer some advice on how to get your New Orleans "on."

WHEN TO PUKE? Although there are varying opinions on this, Savant feels very strongly that vomiting on the FIRST night is a great start. After all, you're going to be drinking (heavily, I might add) for several days so why not get it out of the way right off the bat? If you're really hammered to the extent that you'll be done for the night post-puke, then there are several added benefits - such as saving lots of cash for an eye-opener the following morning and, by passing-out, providing your friends with a great photo-op.

WHEN TO HAVE SEX? The obvious answer is early and often. That aside, we recommend having sex in a shared hotel room while other (i.e. less-randy) d&d staffers sleep. Don't worry if they have one eye open, that's just how they roll. Bonus points for having sex (any kind really - hetero is fine, but whatever) with a d&d staffer…I mean not "with", but rather alongside. Otherwise our HR department would have a fit. Anyway, sex…YES.

SHOULD I BUY A T-SHIRT? Opinions vary, but we'll go with yes. This should be an easy task as tees will be readily available. Favorites include: "I got Bourbon-Faced on Shit Street" and the ever-popular "Things to Do with a P*ssy (shave, party, pet, lick etc.)."

WHAT SHOULD I EAT? Well, aside from puss├žois (see above), you'll be treated to a wide-variety of great food. Mostly fried seafood with some type of sauce or jambalaya. Good stuff. Typically, food makes d&d staffers sick, but on this trip, I'm willing to bet it was that asshole Pat O’Brien and his devil’s urine Hurricanes.

BALCONY OR NO BALCONY? Tough call, really. You know the balconies in question, from which thousands of pounds of beads are hurled annually? Boobies shown to and from these beauties. So why is it a tough call? These perches are either more crowded that Hairy Carreys front porch on “free-hand job Wednesdays” or they are tres expensive to rent for your private shindig. UNLESS your wife is like the lovely and talented Mrs. PK and can string together greatness. In as long as it takes Indy Buckeye to login to when his wife goes to bed, with kind words and a winning smile, Mrs. PK secured our entire traveling party to our own private balcony complete with bartender and a GLORIOUSLY clean bathroom for two nights. In this case, YES to balconies.

SHOULD I GAMBLE? Uhhhhh? Is there a real casino right across from your hotel? Then YES! Turd-Burglar.

Savant with the Punt and Pass.
PK a kick

Both OUT.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Please Don't Let Football Season End.....We'll Never Post

It's been a while my humble followers. Since my last post we have been through a roller coaster of events. The Redskins made it into the playoffs and promptly lost. My beloved Buckeyes continued their community service by losing again to the SEC. Along with the D&D crew and friends, the city of New Orleans went through a party that it might never recover from. Ok, I can give a little credit to Katrina, but I like to take the credit when I can. Just last night the Cowboys went through yet another one and done in the playoffs. I have since dubbed the pro bowl quarterback of the Cowboys Tony Rom-0 for 2. If I used all of my evil for good, I might not be the heartless shit that I am today.
I went out with PK and crew to catch a couple of drinks and get rid of the shakes from the night before. In doing so, I managed to get fairly drunk. *GASP* I know it's hard to believe but it's true. I left about 1030 with all intentions of going home and going straight to bed. Well, those closest to me know that I have a little game that I like to play the morning after I go drinking. If all works well, this will be the beginning of a series that I am going to start on here called.....

I woke up this morning with a table full of empty Taco Bueno boxes with a receipt for a nacho salad, soft taco and a crunchy potato burrito. When I strolled out to the car I turned on the ignition this is what I got.

Artist: Rihanna
Title: Umbrella
Volume: 22
Phone Log:
A. M. (initials to cover for them) 10:39 p.m. duration:1:03 (I suspect a voicemail)

Text Messages:
yes.......that's all I will say is yes. 7 of them between 10:31 and 10:58

Final Words:
Fairly tame night apparently. Only one call and no great texts to report. I do wonder why Rihanna was playing. It's on a cd, too.

I really can't wait to report after a good 3 a.m. night when I have Freebird playing at 40 with a used rubber in the floorboard and me asleep in the backseat. Don't look at me like that. I'm not the only I? Suck it.