What a wonderful day to hang myself....

(front door opens to a dark abandoned D&D headquarters)
Hello-o-o-----o--------o???
Anyone here?
Wow, the old office looks so sad these days.
(flicks light switch to reveal the distressed remains of the once prestigious HQ)
Oh, look at the rotting dog carcass! I remember when PK asphyxiated himself while pleasuring his anus when i was using it as a sock puppet.
And the hole in the bathroom stall when we tried to play who's wiener tastes worse after 2 seconds in a bloody asshole with the intern. Damn I miss those days. I wonder what the old crew is up to now?
Too bad this will be the last time that I look at this old place. It has come to my attention lately that I am so fucking cursed with this college football shit that I am bringing this disaster to and end. I had to watch Utah pull of that crap and I really don't want to hear them bitch for a year on how they deserve to be #1. Be thankful you are number 2 you British cigarettes!

Utah - you are why I am hanging myself.

And Oklahoma....why lose to Florida? Why? I hate hearing that God sucking mother fucker Tebow with his big tittied ass girlfriend say how great he is and how much he has done for society.

Oklahoma - you are why I am hanging myself.

Fox. Really? I heard your spare ass BCS crew tell me all game how much Tebow has meant to college football and how the Gaytors are destined to win.

Fox - you are why I am hanging myself.

Fiesta Bowl was a great game....if you do not hate Texas. Well I fucking do. I was upset that tOSU lost and I really think that I am a curse to Buckeye nation, but I would rather suck on Mark Mangino's underboob than have that Colt McCoy fuck-knuckle win another game.

Texas - you are why I am hanging myself.


Is it a bit much? Possibly. But after 8 months crying my bloody rectum to sleep after sucking dick and taking bribes for a quick shot from a rusty AIDS infested meth needle to the forehead while in rehab, why wouldn't I.

(the noose tosses above the doorway to the old office as I tighten it up to make sure I don't screw this up. I fit my head inside the noose and snug it to my neck. A mild erection occurs)

Well...didn't expect that. Fuck it, just jump off the stool and call it a day.

Ok, maybe one last quickie.

Savant: Dude, what the FUCK are you doing?!? Where have you been?

(Hairy Carray, Pork Chop U and PK follow Savant in the doorway)

I thought this was done? I thought we boarded the place up for good? I thought more than anything we realized we suck at this and ran out of material?

PK: Well we did. We were going to light ourselves on fire in here and burn down with the building.

Oh.....sorry to ruin that bag of fun.

Pork Chop: 3 BCS losses in a row really buried us too.

Hairy Carray: Hey Poon, why is your back to us?

Uh....no reason.....

PK: You have got to stop masturbaiting......

Poon: Why?



The end?

Lock the door behind you, Poon.

The Grand Old Lady - Boarded up. Sad, huh?

Memo: To all employees, fans, readers and haters, etc.

Subject: The future of down and distant

From: PK, Editor in Chief.

It saddens me to do this but I have been left with no real alternative. And no, Savant, turning this into a homosexual KISS fan match making service is NOT a real alternative. IT’S NOT.

I digress. It became clear that we needed a restructuring of our corporate culture, mission statement, contributor staff and even the building itself. We haven’t been living up to our end of the bargain in writing the blog. So we are taking a step back and reorganizing.

We are also going virtual. No more corporate offices, assigned parking spaces, executive wash rooms, full release massage stations in the lobby, and <> no more free Ben and Jerry’s in the cafeteria. All were too costly and way too distracting. To be honest though, I probably wouldn’t be making this kind of announcement if it hadn’t be for the tragic events of last week.

It was a normal Tuesday morning, Poon was just waking up on the couch in his office (as his wife still won’t let him in the house since the “Boston Cream Pie incident of 2006.”) when he heard a thunderous racket outside his office. He looked out through the mail slot to see PorkChop and Hairy Carrey dressed only in jock-straps and rollerblades dragging a burlap bag full of very angry badgers. They were screaming at the top of their lungs the destination of their feral cargo -- Savant’s assistant Tristen’s office. The distruction ended up being massive. Not only in the physical structure of the office building, but the morale and purpose of the organization.

It’s a wake up call for sure. Bottom line: We’re selling the building and all it’s contents. We’ll be attending a team building retreat in Pago Pago in hopes of repairing our fractured relationships. (except for HC. He has to stay back so he doesn’t miss his anal bleaching appointment…he’s almost done) The real work will need to be done between me and that VAG Poon. Don’t get me started.

When we return in a few weeks or so we’ll have a renewed vision and a real mission statement. We’ll probably have all the same contributors and most likely a couple more. We’ll have some weekly series to run as well. We will rise again.

Stay tuned.
PK

Note: Despite our break for vision, energy, and creative renewal, you'll be relieved to learn that Michigan will continue sucking, as always.

That time of the month

I was going to start this off by using a common blogging tool loosely titled “Real life and work got in the way of posting anything, lately.” You and I both know that that is a cubic ton of shit. There are 5 so called contributors to this thing. We just suck.

Let’s go into the weekend with another installment of the lame-o You Write Our Blog For Us. aka Fun Photo Caption.

So next week we will redouble our efforts and churn out some seriously kick-ass blogocity. Real award winning stuff. But instead of “redouble our efforts” insert "continue looking for gooey treasures in our noses." And in place of "award winning stuff", say "maybe sometime in May."

PK out

Dominus Nabisco

As you’ve heard by now the Pope is in da house. It’s only the third time ever that a Pope has visited the US. So in honor of His Royal Religious Highnessocity’s visit we’re taking a look back at the recent “New” sins that His Popeness added a few weeks ago. The Vatican announced several new sins for 2008 - including causing environmental blight and bioethical violations. Never a website to ignore the topic of sins (or an opportunity to make a new list), we at d&d would like to offer some suggestions for sins that didn't make Pope Benedict's list.

Premature Ejaculation - I mean come on (sorry)…early departure really isn't good for anyone, is it? Perhaps by making it a sin, Hairy Carray will work on his "issue." Men, don't forget practice makes perfect and if that doesn't work, you could always think of dung beetles (thanks to Jason Bigg's character from American Pie for that jewel).

Cheering for M*chigan - In the realm of good vs. evil, you certainly don't want to live in the shadows by cheering for the Evil Fiefdom (they suck too much to be an empire). Many sins have a gray area, but not this one. Just don't do it. Rooting for the Buckeyes is surely the path to salvation, but if you can't dig on the Scarlet and Gray, just don't support the Maize and Blue or you will suffer a fate worth than death (unless you like the Capital One Bowl).

Driving Slow in the Left Lane - Frankly, this should have made the list 40 years ago. Who are all these slow-driving in the left lane M-Fers? Get out of the left lane and get into the express lane to Hell, assholes!

Talking on Your Cell Phone While in a Check-Out Line - If it's not an emergency (lining-up sex for later, ordering tickets to a Buckeyes' game, or renewing your subscription to down and distant), then wait until later. If you're on your phone while in the queue at McDonald's, we hope some one ejaculates (but not prematurely) in the tartar sauce on your filet of fish.

If you need further New Age spiritual guidance, please contact d&d. Add your additions to the list in the comment section, heathen.

War Hallelujah!

Out

(of the left lane, assholes)

Buckeye Savant

And the winner.....

Hairy Carrey reacts to the realization that PorkChop didn't pick a winner.

I was going to write about the final four. Yes, I know I didn’t capitalize it like CBS wants me to—but we don’t get any advertising dollars from them and I still don’t have a cool, expensive car that makes me feel good about myself, so go pound sand up your ass.


I might be the least qualified person of all the writers (and I use that term loosely) on D&D to write anything about basketball. This year, I have paid less attention to the NCAA tournament than I have to my stepson’s World ofWarcraft game. No titties, no watchie.

I wasn’t even going to fill out a bracket for the first time in 20 years. I didn’t have the emotional depth to think about it after Ohio State took the skin bus to poop town. I mean, really, the NIT? Can anyone else see that turd merchant from Florida spray painting on the wall yet? Or is it just me?
So some dude from down the hall came by my office on Thursday morning at 10:30 and told me to write a check for $11 and fill out a bracket. That’s right. Eleven dollars. Mars, bitches.

So I filled it out in two minutes, which is what everyone says when the bracket they filled out sucks harder than Billy Joel at Ozzfest. And I had listened to some fuckface at ESPN on the radio that morning who said, “Ooh Georgetown, when they get through putting the hurt on everyone, it’s going to be worse the CIA’s Phoenix Program in Vietnam. Nothing but chalk.”

It ends up, all four No. 1s make it to the final four and the people who make the brackets are breaking their elbows patting themselves on the back. Come on, starch scrotes. Everyone in the world fills out at least one bracket where all the No. 1s go to the final four. My cat is winning the pool right now with that bracket.

So instead, I was going to talk about Davidson, a team that played pretty well before succumbing to the mohair anal beads that are the Kansas basketball program. And then I was going to talk about M Pork Chop U, because when I went to school, I’m pretty sure we were in the Southern Conference with Davidson. Back then, MPCU was a decent basketball school and the football team lost to Morris Harvey (College, not University). In 1985, or some other shitty year, we got a big boy tournament berth and closed down Third Avenue and threw girls in the air with stadium blankets before some fucker screamed, “Raid the 7-11!” and all 1,000 of us ran in and took every ounce of beer. And there was no rape.

And I think I remember a roadie where we went to a game against Davidson and the girls there specialized in rimjobbery. But I might be mixing up my Southern Conference schools.

So I went to MPCU’s website to corroborate said late-night scuzzery, buffoonery and other sodomies. And what to my wandering eyes appear? An abortifacient (look it up, or better yet, read a book). That’s right. My school’s crapulent website doesn’t even mention its inclusion in the Southern Conference.

And the Southern Conference website, powerhouse that it is, doesn’t even mention my school, except for Jeff Montgomery. For real. And he’s from Jackson, or is it Wellston? I can never keep them straight.

No wonder Memphis has won 37 (4,323) games in a row. Jesus, they play my squadron.
So fuck me, I guess. It’s as if MPCU didn’t play in any league that exists other than the honey-laden oases of the Conference USA. Mid America doesn’t want to remember the ThunderClap, seeing as we went stampede on everyone and heard the lamentations of the women and saw our enemies driven before us.

So, here it is. Kansas wins because Psycho T isn’t that good (do they play?). And UCLA wins because of some John Wooden thing. And then, Poon falls into the RiverWalk and is saved by a Ben-Wa ball, who is subsequently arrested for public cunnilingus.

Pork Chop Out

(Ed: So it's up to you, Turd Burglar, to pick your own winner. MPCU ripped a hammy while sitting on the fence and left it in your capable hands. So?)

Super Sexy Brackety Updates

Savant fills out his bracket, at the same time predicts

the Tet Offensive, The Rodney King beating and that

Paul McCartney will marry and divorce a one-legged chick.

With the looming specter that is the MPorkChopU pickaging of the Final Four, I thought it prudent to slap a little update across your mulleted dome. For the first time in a while or ever or something all the seats at the Final Four table are filled with number 1 seeds. I’m not going to steal any of MPCU’s thunder but it looks like a match up of No. 1s in the final is pretty freakin likely. Which is nice.

Anyhoo. How’d the rest of the d&d do on their pickery? Cristal and Caviar? Or a dirty rotten Boston Cream Pie. Well I got to tell you we ROCKED IT. Seriously, I’ve never seen such pickilation.

Take my portion of the bracket for instance. I had the unenviable task of trying to finger out just how Georgetown was going to go down early to Davidson. I nailed it. 100% Bitches! Check it out here for yourself if you don’t believe me. See I told you. Don’t fuck with PK!

The other boys kicked the same amount of ass as I did. To a man – 100%. I wish we’d gone to Vegas with this shit. Dick Vitale, can suck it.

Savant with greatness
Poon with perfection
And HC with pure genius

Tomorrow – MporkChopU will open up the third story window in his corner office and speaketh more truth to you peons.

Until then.

PK out.

SITE UPDATE: The links above seem to be malfunctioning. Try this one.

Free at Last, Free at Last!!!!!

My favorite comedy of all time.

Boy my ass hurts. Thanks guys for not putting up the ransom and letting me stay there all day. Seriously? He wanted $20 and a pack of Funyons. Let me preface this by saying that I have not seen any games today.
Do you not know that running this empire is more than just witty humor and constantly proving to everyone that you are the all knowing sports God? There is a lot more that goes into this than that. We have to…….well do other stuff. It’s hard to explain. Shut it. For instance this week I have been touring West Texas signing computer monitors for some of our winners from our inaugural “Angriest Beaver” competition. I would also like to take this opportunity to say congrats to my mom for winning. It’s a lot angrier than I remembered. I think that I still have hairs caught in my teeth from birth.
I have been thinking since the brackets were announced about how much of a complete ass I made of myself last year. I will still not give up on the double elimination brackets. With that said, I am here this year to redeem myself.
Let me get the shit out of the way that I don’t care about. Tossed salads (overrated, believe me I know), soap on a rope (defeats the purpose of our d&d group shower time) and dingle berries.
As far as the bracket is concerned, not only will I fully predict all of the winners from the West, but I will also predict the scores. UCLA will get into a much closer game then you might think with Miss Valley State. UCLA 87-76. With Duke going against Belmont….wait, who? Isn’t that a horse track? Well, whatever. Either way, Duke beats Barbaro U 83-64. Now are you ready for the Poon Blue Balls and a Cold Shower Bracket Buster Pick of the Year. Georgia got hot at a perfect time of year. They played 4 games in 3 days to win their tourney and they will pull off the biggest upset of the year when they defeat Xavier 76-72. Mark it mofos. As much as I hate UConn, they will beat San Diego worse than Urban Meyer beats his wife. Its true. Spread the word. 92-78. Now talk about a game that I don’t give two rotten hairy taints about. Drake will beat Western Cuntucky 68-65. If I had to make another prediction about that game, I would say that both teams get flat tires and we don’t have to waste time on SportsCenter watching the highlights. To Drake and WKU you get my Suck It award of the year. Although Baylor is known for killing people, they will not kill Purdue. P-U 82-68. I see another upset with Arizona giving WVU the Superman 79-71. For the last of the first round, I see the first and only all white school in America beating the Aggies 88-84.

This leaves the second round with UCLA vs. BYU, Drake vs. UConn, Purdue vs. Georgia, and Arizona vs. Duke.
Bill Walton will completely destroy Ty Detmer 83-68. For the love of God, get Drake out of this tourney. UConn does it in tremendous fashion winning 93-77. D.J. Shockley gets hit with another tornado and goes down on Gene Keady……deep. 88-74. Of course Duke will eliminate Arizona 91-77.

Thirds anyone? Yes, please. Less cream this time….my sheets are getting sticky. I don’t know what that means either. UCLA vs. UConn will prove exactly who is the better of the “U’s” as if any of us care. UCLA 81-79. Duke moves on easily over Purdue 77-69. (giggle)

Are we done yet?
Like you didn’t see this coming? Duke pulls off the upset when Bobby Hurley and Tyrone Hill have to fill in for the aching starters. They slap that stupid golden C off of the Bruins shirts and move onto the Final Four 74-66.

GO DUKE!

Poon (aka white Jesus)