Friday, April 25, 2008

That time of the month

I was going to start this off by using a common blogging tool loosely titled “Real life and work got in the way of posting anything, lately.” You and I both know that that is a cubic ton of shit. There are 5 so called contributors to this thing. We just suck.

Let’s go into the weekend with another installment of the lame-o You Write Our Blog For Us. aka Fun Photo Caption.

So next week we will redouble our efforts and churn out some seriously kick-ass blogocity. Real award winning stuff. But instead of “redouble our efforts” insert "continue looking for gooey treasures in our noses." And in place of "award winning stuff", say "maybe sometime in May."

PK out

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Dominus Nabisco

As you’ve heard by now the Pope is in da house. It’s only the third time ever that a Pope has visited the US. So in honor of His Royal Religious Highnessocity’s visit we’re taking a look back at the recent “New” sins that His Popeness added a few weeks ago. The Vatican announced several new sins for 2008 - including causing environmental blight and bioethical violations. Never a website to ignore the topic of sins (or an opportunity to make a new list), we at d&d would like to offer some suggestions for sins that didn't make Pope Benedict's list.

Premature Ejaculation - I mean come on (sorry)…early departure really isn't good for anyone, is it? Perhaps by making it a sin, Hairy Carray will work on his "issue." Men, don't forget practice makes perfect and if that doesn't work, you could always think of dung beetles (thanks to Jason Bigg's character from American Pie for that jewel).

Cheering for M*chigan - In the realm of good vs. evil, you certainly don't want to live in the shadows by cheering for the Evil Fiefdom (they suck too much to be an empire). Many sins have a gray area, but not this one. Just don't do it. Rooting for the Buckeyes is surely the path to salvation, but if you can't dig on the Scarlet and Gray, just don't support the Maize and Blue or you will suffer a fate worth than death (unless you like the Capital One Bowl).

Driving Slow in the Left Lane - Frankly, this should have made the list 40 years ago. Who are all these slow-driving in the left lane M-Fers? Get out of the left lane and get into the express lane to Hell, assholes!

Talking on Your Cell Phone While in a Check-Out Line - If it's not an emergency (lining-up sex for later, ordering tickets to a Buckeyes' game, or renewing your subscription to down and distant), then wait until later. If you're on your phone while in the queue at McDonald's, we hope some one ejaculates (but not prematurely) in the tartar sauce on your filet of fish.

If you need further New Age spiritual guidance, please contact d&d. Add your additions to the list in the comment section, heathen.

War Hallelujah!


(of the left lane, assholes)

Buckeye Savant

Thursday, April 3, 2008

And the winner.....

Hairy Carrey reacts to the realization that PorkChop didn't pick a winner.

I was going to write about the final four. Yes, I know I didn’t capitalize it like CBS wants me to—but we don’t get any advertising dollars from them and I still don’t have a cool, expensive car that makes me feel good about myself, so go pound sand up your ass.

I might be the least qualified person of all the writers (and I use that term loosely) on D&D to write anything about basketball. This year, I have paid less attention to the NCAA tournament than I have to my stepson’s World ofWarcraft game. No titties, no watchie.

I wasn’t even going to fill out a bracket for the first time in 20 years. I didn’t have the emotional depth to think about it after Ohio State took the skin bus to poop town. I mean, really, the NIT? Can anyone else see that turd merchant from Florida spray painting on the wall yet? Or is it just me?
So some dude from down the hall came by my office on Thursday morning at 10:30 and told me to write a check for $11 and fill out a bracket. That’s right. Eleven dollars. Mars, bitches.

So I filled it out in two minutes, which is what everyone says when the bracket they filled out sucks harder than Billy Joel at Ozzfest. And I had listened to some fuckface at ESPN on the radio that morning who said, “Ooh Georgetown, when they get through putting the hurt on everyone, it’s going to be worse the CIA’s Phoenix Program in Vietnam. Nothing but chalk.”

It ends up, all four No. 1s make it to the final four and the people who make the brackets are breaking their elbows patting themselves on the back. Come on, starch scrotes. Everyone in the world fills out at least one bracket where all the No. 1s go to the final four. My cat is winning the pool right now with that bracket.

So instead, I was going to talk about Davidson, a team that played pretty well before succumbing to the mohair anal beads that are the Kansas basketball program. And then I was going to talk about M Pork Chop U, because when I went to school, I’m pretty sure we were in the Southern Conference with Davidson. Back then, MPCU was a decent basketball school and the football team lost to Morris Harvey (College, not University). In 1985, or some other shitty year, we got a big boy tournament berth and closed down Third Avenue and threw girls in the air with stadium blankets before some fucker screamed, “Raid the 7-11!” and all 1,000 of us ran in and took every ounce of beer. And there was no rape.

And I think I remember a roadie where we went to a game against Davidson and the girls there specialized in rimjobbery. But I might be mixing up my Southern Conference schools.

So I went to MPCU’s website to corroborate said late-night scuzzery, buffoonery and other sodomies. And what to my wandering eyes appear? An abortifacient (look it up, or better yet, read a book). That’s right. My school’s crapulent website doesn’t even mention its inclusion in the Southern Conference.

And the Southern Conference website, powerhouse that it is, doesn’t even mention my school, except for Jeff Montgomery. For real. And he’s from Jackson, or is it Wellston? I can never keep them straight.

No wonder Memphis has won 37 (4,323) games in a row. Jesus, they play my squadron.
So fuck me, I guess. It’s as if MPCU didn’t play in any league that exists other than the honey-laden oases of the Conference USA. Mid America doesn’t want to remember the ThunderClap, seeing as we went stampede on everyone and heard the lamentations of the women and saw our enemies driven before us.

So, here it is. Kansas wins because Psycho T isn’t that good (do they play?). And UCLA wins because of some John Wooden thing. And then, Poon falls into the RiverWalk and is saved by a Ben-Wa ball, who is subsequently arrested for public cunnilingus.

Pork Chop Out

(Ed: So it's up to you, Turd Burglar, to pick your own winner. MPCU ripped a hammy while sitting on the fence and left it in your capable hands. So?)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Super Sexy Brackety Updates

Savant fills out his bracket, at the same time predicts
the Tet Offensive, The Rodney King beating and that
Paul McCartney will marry and divorce a one-legged chick.

With the looming specter that is the MPorkChopU pickaging of the Final Four, I thought it prudent to slap a little update across your mulleted dome. For the first time in a while or ever or something all the seats at the Final Four table are filled with number 1 seeds. I’m not going to steal any of MPCU’s thunder but it looks like a match up of No. 1s in the final is pretty freakin likely. Which is nice.

Anyhoo. How’d the rest of the d&d do on their pickery? Cristal and Caviar? Or a dirty rotten
Boston Cream Pie. Well I got to tell you we ROCKED IT. Seriously, I’ve never seen such pickilation.

Take my portion of the bracket for instance. I had the unenviable task of trying to finger out just how Georgetown was going to go down early to Davidson. I nailed it. 100% Bitches! Check it out
here for yourself if you don’t believe me. See I told you. Don’t fuck with PK!

The other boys kicked the same amount of ass as I did. To a man – 100%. I wish we’d gone to Vegas with this shit. Dick Vitale, can suck it.

Savant with
Poon with perfection
And HC with pure genius

Tomorrow – MporkChopU will open up the third story window in his corner office and speaketh more truth to you peons.

Until then.

PK out.

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