Talking horses' asses

This is becoming a habit.  Well, we like to drink and talk so why not?  To you high toners who must have this download through your iTunes automatically, sorry.  We think we are doing all the steps necessary to make that happen.  So until it works correctly, you'll just have to get your shitty Down and Distant podcasts the old fashion way....from Poon's ass.

Enter if you dare



p.s. You can subscribe in iTunes and hit refresh (search down and distant.)  You'll get all the episodes.  Which is why this is so maddening.  I'm looking at you Steve Jobs.  too soon?

Whoa Nelly. Three episodes in the books. This one has the full cast of characters in the house.

Go Ahead, Don't Be Scared.

So this is the second one that you should listen too. The first one is on iTunes. Listen in any order, but listen. SERIOUSLY. LISTEN.

CRAP

Tuesday or Die Episode 1

You should probably listen to this. It's what happens when beers are mixed with audio recording equipment.

Tuesday Or Die episode 1

d&d letters to Santa - Penalty Kill

You, missing only missing a .45 pistol and an entire smoked salmon

Dearest Sinterklaas,

Look here Fatty-boombalatty, I don't like you and I'm pretty sure you don't like me. I'm pretty sure because of that whole "Santa-brought-you-a-new-Daddy" debacle from 2nd grade. Oh sure, he seemed nice, good job and all that. Let's just ignore the life time membership to NAMBLA card in his wallet and the "Go Pedophilia" foam finger and pennant he always sported. 'You'll be fine, little PK.' Screw you.

I'm past it, not bitter at all.

Instead of a traditional gift, I was planning on asking you to kill that no-good S.O.B. who watched his shopping cart careen across the parking lot at Piggly-Wiggly and smashed square upside my sweet ass PK Mobile. What a Jerk Face. I knew it wasn't the right time to try to do my own grocery shopping. I should have left that to The Pickled Mick, (It's in the contract, read it again). Well anyway, I came in off the ledge about killing that tool-chest.

My request this year is about me. Just me. Look, I've done pretty well for myself over the years. I helped build this successful blog with a ridiculously huge corporate office and a bloated staff. We could be a virtual company, but I care about these fuck-knuckle's families. In addition to that, I have been running that Chicks with Dicks smuggling ring Taiwanese Orphan adoption agency with great success. Also, it's been 18 months since I've even thought about starting a hobo fight.

So it is with great sincerity that I ask you for something that would fill a void in my life.



Blow. Job.

(Short of that, I'd like Julie the Hippie American Doll. She's keen)


Happy and Merry Blah Blah Blah,

PK

'Twas the Night Before Christmas in the D&D Office....

“Whew! Long day finally coming to a close. Can’t wait to join the Down and Distant boys at the bar for our last get together before Christmas. I couldn’t have asked for a better year with a better team than I have had this year. Honestly, I don’t think that Santa could even think of anything to give me that I don’t already have. Sorry fat ass, no need for you this year.”

Poon shuts down his computer by hitting ctrl+alt+delete, but then accidentally locks it instead of shutting it down.

“Fuck”

Unlocks the computer and then shuts it down the proper way. He continues to pack away his paperwork from the work filled day into his brown satchel…NOT A MURSE – A SATCHEL! As he stands up from his mahogany desk, he hears a faint rustling in the background.

“Hello? PK? You still here?”

A tall shadow casts across the floor of the D & D lobby outlining a large built man carrying some sort of item on his shoulder.

“Hairy! Did you bring in that three legged emu with a stiffie you were talking about handling up on? If so, I can leave…..or join…..your call.”

“HoHoHoly shit you are an idiot.”

“Santa.” Poon said with a glazed over look in his eyes. “I thought I said I didn’t need your fat ass around here this year.”

Santa turns the corner from the lobby and comes into full view staring Poon directly in the face. “I don’t think I asked your fucking opinion you perverted shit!”

He then walks slowly through the office turning over desk by desk; shattering lamps and dismantling computers in the process. Poon sits idly at his desk watching the fat man unravel at a rapid pace before his eyes. Once Santa has finished demolishing the D & D office, he stands at the open door of Poon’s corner office pulling two semi automatic assault rifles from his large bag on his back.

“Now it’s time for you to meet my two friends…Naughty and Nice. Which one have you been?”

Poon grabs his 9mm from his chest strap and unloads his clip as Santa fires back with a barrage of short spurts of fire from his rifles. Poon dives across the floor of his office while dodging bullets to crouch behind his couch. Santa stands at the door continuously firing his rounds at Poon.

With a crazy stare the fat one yelled, “MEET DASHER, DANCER, PRANCER, VIXEN, COMET, CUPID, DONNER AND BLITZEN!!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!”

Poon pulls his last grenade from crotch (which he doesn’t need at all to show that he’s got something down there…..seriously, it’s just for emergencies…..seriously) pulls the pin and chunks it right at the door. Santa grabs it mid-air and throws it out of the now shattered window to the ground below. Poon then realizes that he is done for and begins singing the theme to his favorite show to comfort him.

“The world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you….”

At that time he hears a loud yell. “HEY FAT ASS!!!”

The gunfire stops and he glances from behind the couch to see Savant standing right behind a now nervous and fearful Santa. Savant pulls his knife to the fat man’s throat and whispers, “You forgot Rudolph fucker.”

Savant slices through Santa’s throat and softly lays him down at his feet as he bleeds.

“You forgot Rudolph? That’s the best thing you had?” said Poon.

“What would you have said? By the way, a thank you would be in order if you don’t mind”

“I mean I know it was in the moment or whatever, but that was kinda gay. I think I may have rather him just keep shooting at me instead of hearing that crap. How are you going to retell this story with a straight face?”

“Ok dick. You want to sit here and dwell on this and explain to Rosa the maid why there is a dead fat man bleeding to death or do you want to meet up with everyone and not tell them you were singing Different Strokes while Santa Clause fired bullets at you?”

“Why you gotta call me out like that? I suppose you have a deal. First round’s on me. And by that I mean first beer, not that beer-shot-cocktail combo crap.”

“Jew.”

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Poon night!

d&d Letters to Santa - Buckeye Savant

Arkansas Civil War reenactors don't play fair. Hicks!

Dear Santa,

We've always had a pretty good relationship...I still believe in you and I never lost faith through the "virginity years" or the dark days known as the John Cooper Era of Ohio State football. Eventually, I got some regular justice and the Bucks won another national championship - so it's all good.

Recently, I have tried my gosh-darn best to be good...well, apart from the sexual deviance, drinking to excess, and jokes about ethnic minorities or handicapped people (are they still considered people?). [Ed. They're super!]

Anyway, let's cut to the chase, what I really, really want this year is a victory over Arkansas for my Buckeyes in the Sugar Bowl. You see Santa, if we don't beat down the red-neck, inbred, stinky, Southerners once in a while, they might forget who won the War...and we really can't have that now, can we?

Jim Tressel has been good...he's a God-fearing, military supporting, leader of fine young men at The Ohio State University...and, by golly, he deserves a Sugar Bowl win for his team!!

In order to keep it fair, I promise to put-out a nice bottle of Bourbon for you this year - along with some hash browns (that aren't made from potatoes), and just for good measure, a couple copies of Leg Show and Shaved Orientals (which I borrowed from PK). Feel free to enjoy, but don't take them with you ...and I wouldn't go shining any black lights around them.

I am not asking for too much...let's just say Buckeyes 30 Razorbacks 21.

...and Santa, I'll owe you one!!

Merry Christmas!

Buckeye Savant

The Pickled Mick is in the house

Hi kids! A few months back, PK asked me about contributing to Down & Distant. You will, no doubt, be honored to hear that after drinking on it for a few months, I have decided to crawl out of the gutter, swish some lake water to get rid of the $5 bottle of whiskey on my breath and give this blogging crap a whirl.

As with all bad ideas, I was approached under the spell of alcohol because that is really the only way anything ever gets done around here. It is also the only way ideas from this group sound any good.

PK : Hey man, you're moderately funny and can really take a donkey punch, wanna write something for our blog?

Pickled Mick: Gotta check my schedule. You see, I do a lot of volunteering for the rich showing them the proper way to wear live kittens as shoes.

PK: Great! But, don't use that line, it’s not funny and kittens are my favorite food. All you got to do is be raunchy, touch the sports base occasionally, and don't be funnier than me. You also have to service Poon regularly with your mouth. You will find your D&D kneepads in your staff locker.

So, after reading through posts here and after having a few intense sessions of furious sweaty self gratification to some of the pictures, I decided to “give it the old college try”.

Speaking of, there is one picture that I would like to call out. That picture that Poon posted along with his post of his diva like contract rider that he sends to every hotel prior to checking in is captivating. I currently have that photo as my wallpaper on my cell phone, computer, and am actually having it made into real wallpaper for my man den. Every time I see it I immediately begin to work myself like a Shake Weight.

Yours in Christ,

The Pickled Mick.

What a wonderful day to hang myself....

(front door opens to a dark abandoned D&D headquarters)
Hello-o-o-----o--------o???
Anyone here?
Wow, the old office looks so sad these days.
(flicks light switch to reveal the distressed remains of the once prestigious HQ)
Oh, look at the rotting dog carcass! I remember when PK asphyxiated himself while pleasuring his anus when i was using it as a sock puppet.
And the hole in the bathroom stall when we tried to play who's wiener tastes worse after 2 seconds in a bloody asshole with the intern. Damn I miss those days. I wonder what the old crew is up to now?
Too bad this will be the last time that I look at this old place. It has come to my attention lately that I am so fucking cursed with this college football shit that I am bringing this disaster to and end. I had to watch Utah pull of that crap and I really don't want to hear them bitch for a year on how they deserve to be #1. Be thankful you are number 2 you British cigarettes!

Utah - you are why I am hanging myself.

And Oklahoma....why lose to Florida? Why? I hate hearing that God sucking mother fucker Tebow with his big tittied ass girlfriend say how great he is and how much he has done for society.

Oklahoma - you are why I am hanging myself.

Fox. Really? I heard your spare ass BCS crew tell me all game how much Tebow has meant to college football and how the Gaytors are destined to win.

Fox - you are why I am hanging myself.

Fiesta Bowl was a great game....if you do not hate Texas. Well I fucking do. I was upset that tOSU lost and I really think that I am a curse to Buckeye nation, but I would rather suck on Mark Mangino's underboob than have that Colt McCoy fuck-knuckle win another game.

Texas - you are why I am hanging myself.


Is it a bit much? Possibly. But after 8 months crying my bloody rectum to sleep after sucking dick and taking bribes for a quick shot from a rusty AIDS infested meth needle to the forehead while in rehab, why wouldn't I.

(the noose tosses above the doorway to the old office as I tighten it up to make sure I don't screw this up. I fit my head inside the noose and snug it to my neck. A mild erection occurs)

Well...didn't expect that. Fuck it, just jump off the stool and call it a day.

Ok, maybe one last quickie.

Savant: Dude, what the FUCK are you doing?!? Where have you been?

(Hairy Carray, Pork Chop U and PK follow Savant in the doorway)

I thought this was done? I thought we boarded the place up for good? I thought more than anything we realized we suck at this and ran out of material?

PK: Well we did. We were going to light ourselves on fire in here and burn down with the building.

Oh.....sorry to ruin that bag of fun.

Pork Chop: 3 BCS losses in a row really buried us too.

Hairy Carray: Hey Poon, why is your back to us?

Uh....no reason.....

PK: You have got to stop masturbaiting......

Poon: Why?



The end?

Lock the door behind you, Poon.

The Grand Old Lady - Boarded up. Sad, huh?

Memo: To all employees, fans, readers and haters, etc.

Subject: The future of down and distant

From: PK, Editor in Chief.

It saddens me to do this but I have been left with no real alternative. And no, Savant, turning this into a homosexual KISS fan match making service is NOT a real alternative. IT’S NOT.

I digress. It became clear that we needed a restructuring of our corporate culture, mission statement, contributor staff and even the building itself. We haven’t been living up to our end of the bargain in writing the blog. So we are taking a step back and reorganizing.

We are also going virtual. No more corporate offices, assigned parking spaces, executive wash rooms, full release massage stations in the lobby, and <> no more free Ben and Jerry’s in the cafeteria. All were too costly and way too distracting. To be honest though, I probably wouldn’t be making this kind of announcement if it hadn’t be for the tragic events of last week.

It was a normal Tuesday morning, Poon was just waking up on the couch in his office (as his wife still won’t let him in the house since the “Boston Cream Pie incident of 2006.”) when he heard a thunderous racket outside his office. He looked out through the mail slot to see PorkChop and Hairy Carrey dressed only in jock-straps and rollerblades dragging a burlap bag full of very angry badgers. They were screaming at the top of their lungs the destination of their feral cargo -- Savant’s assistant Tristen’s office. The distruction ended up being massive. Not only in the physical structure of the office building, but the morale and purpose of the organization.

It’s a wake up call for sure. Bottom line: We’re selling the building and all it’s contents. We’ll be attending a team building retreat in Pago Pago in hopes of repairing our fractured relationships. (except for HC. He has to stay back so he doesn’t miss his anal bleaching appointment…he’s almost done) The real work will need to be done between me and that VAG Poon. Don’t get me started.

When we return in a few weeks or so we’ll have a renewed vision and a real mission statement. We’ll probably have all the same contributors and most likely a couple more. We’ll have some weekly series to run as well. We will rise again.

Stay tuned.
PK

Note: Despite our break for vision, energy, and creative renewal, you'll be relieved to learn that Michigan will continue sucking, as always.

That time of the month

I was going to start this off by using a common blogging tool loosely titled “Real life and work got in the way of posting anything, lately.” You and I both know that that is a cubic ton of shit. There are 5 so called contributors to this thing. We just suck.

Let’s go into the weekend with another installment of the lame-o You Write Our Blog For Us. aka Fun Photo Caption.

So next week we will redouble our efforts and churn out some seriously kick-ass blogocity. Real award winning stuff. But instead of “redouble our efforts” insert "continue looking for gooey treasures in our noses." And in place of "award winning stuff", say "maybe sometime in May."

PK out

Super Sexy Brackety Updates

Savant fills out his bracket, at the same time predicts

the Tet Offensive, The Rodney King beating and that

Paul McCartney will marry and divorce a one-legged chick.

With the looming specter that is the MPorkChopU pickaging of the Final Four, I thought it prudent to slap a little update across your mulleted dome. For the first time in a while or ever or something all the seats at the Final Four table are filled with number 1 seeds. I’m not going to steal any of MPCU’s thunder but it looks like a match up of No. 1s in the final is pretty freakin likely. Which is nice.

Anyhoo. How’d the rest of the d&d do on their pickery? Cristal and Caviar? Or a dirty rotten Boston Cream Pie. Well I got to tell you we ROCKED IT. Seriously, I’ve never seen such pickilation.

Take my portion of the bracket for instance. I had the unenviable task of trying to finger out just how Georgetown was going to go down early to Davidson. I nailed it. 100% Bitches! Check it out here for yourself if you don’t believe me. See I told you. Don’t fuck with PK!

The other boys kicked the same amount of ass as I did. To a man – 100%. I wish we’d gone to Vegas with this shit. Dick Vitale, can suck it.

Savant with greatness
Poon with perfection
And HC with pure genius

Tomorrow – MporkChopU will open up the third story window in his corner office and speaketh more truth to you peons.

Until then.

PK out.

SITE UPDATE: The links above seem to be malfunctioning. Try this one.

More Expert Pickery

Detroit

Photo courtesy of the cover of the

Detroit Chamber of Commerce 2007 Annual Report

I get to pick the Midwest regional, which culminates with games in Detriot. Blech. This bracket picking is always a little dicey for me. Here’s how my pickage usually goes. I start by selecting the winners in the first round with complete disregard to whom I think might eventually win the region. Most non-morons might go the other way and pick the region winner first and then work backwards. Not this moron.

So I can wind up at with a Sweet 16 match up of perennial powers like Cal State Fullerton and UMBC (whoever the fuck that is. Merchant Marine Academy or something?)

So it’s no wonder why I continually suck complete ass at this, in spite of my earlier boasting. You should know by now not to believe everything you read. But because you are reading this here blog, you may not be the brightest bulb anyway. I digress.

Here’s how the Midwest will go. I hope you haven’t filled out your bracket yet, because this shit it going to be gold this year. Bank. On. It.

The "win one and done" crew in the Midwest will consist of the following.
Kent State – Insert 70’s protest joke here.
Siena - I got nothun for you on this. Never heard of 'em
UNLV – Danny Ganz told they ain't got it.
GTown – I know! I'm crazy like this.

The regional final:
It’s Tourney underdog and holder of the dream Davidson, who offs Georgetown in the 16, facing Kansas coming off a win over Nova. I’ve got Kansas advancing to the Final Four in a thriller over the Mighty Mite Davidson. And by thriller I mean something really close at the end with Davidson having a chance to win at the buzzer. Say 59 -57. ish.

Take it to the bank. However if I’m wrong, don’t forget that I have the keys to d&d and can come in here and edit this like crazy. Don’t think I won’t do it.

Tomorrow, Poon.

PK Out

Weekends are Fun

In keeping with the time honored tradition of “The Insert the Blog Name Here Photo contest we’re having our own. Actually, this was started back when Savant and Pork Chop worked together at the Ann Arbor Daily Shopper Picayune Gazette. That feature didn’t last long as they only had one camera and the back was stuck so they couldn’t get the film out.

Anyway, here’s the deal. Pretty simple. We put up a photo and over the weekend you get to create a funny little caption. Actually just put anything down. Seriously. We all know that Poon is the keeper of the Funny and we are merely ass-sniffers compared to him but everyone plays here.

Go.

We'll get you started.

"Are we too late for dime dog night?"

or

"Strike"

Ok, your turn.

Up next from d&d...."You write it!"

PK out

PAYING FOR IT

OK - we've all been there…you reach a point where you're either in the midst of a desperate dry-spell -or- you're sick of banging the one you're with -or- you need some anal action or role-playing involving a Jim Tressel mask and a pair of oven mitts…whatever...you think maybe hiring a hooker would be a good idea. down and distant understands your plight. We have all been there before (and by "we" I mean "Pork Chop U" - the rest of just whack-off), but, seriously, what in the hell was New York Governor Eliot Spitzer thinking!! If - and I mean IF - we were going to spend cash on some tail, I'm not sure anyone at d&d would agree to upwards of $1,000 an hour. It has been reported that Spitzer spent upwards of $80,000 on hookers during the last several years. $80 LARGE are you kidding me??

(editorial interruption)

PK: Savant, you need to see this before you make plans for this weekend!

Savant: Dude, I am busy composing a new post. What's so damn important that I have to see before….HOLY SHIT!

(back to the post)

So as I was saying, women with style and grace need to be treated as such and I have heard good things about The Emperor's Club. Take Maya, for example. Clearly the time of someone with an electrifying presence can't be had for a mere high three figures! I think Spitzer was on to something after all...

I wonder what airfare to L.A. is going for today? Mental note: better rub-out that easy one first.


War hot hookers!

Savant Out.

How To Do New Orleans - d&d Style

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

NO!

LLLLLoyd Throws in the towel today. Bon Chance Mon Ami.

Please say you're just kidding. We love you LLLLLLLOYD. Please stay. We promise we'll let you win once in a while. Don't be like that. It's us, not you. You've done nothing wrong.

What? Who said the game has passed you by??? We'll kick their ass.

DON'T GO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Sniff.

PK down and out.

I know what your thinkin'

I’m sitting idly by, as the clock crawls toward the kick off of the next “trap game” for the Buckeyes. The Illini lay in wait to jam a thumb right the Buckeye's poop-hole eye, just to take the gild off the lily that is the Ohio State/Michigan game. Michigan is trying to do their part right now by being down to Wisconsin late in the game.

Anyway, as the nerves become more frayed I believe I need to take the edge off, ease the mind so to speak. Who better to help with that than Old Greg?



Ok, I know it doesn’t have a bit to do with anything but don’t you feel less anxious after seeing a scaly man-fish’s mangina? Make an assessment!

It’s Ole PK out


I know many of our readers have seen this, but WTF? You got something better to do? Bite me.

"Isn't That Special" - Church Lady 1987

On nearly a daily basis I stop by several blogs to get my updates on the Sport, the Entertainment, the Porn News of the day and the Whining and crying at one of the Meatchicken blogs. In all fairness they do a good job of detailing the happening of their team and its opponents. They also have, on a several times a week rate, slams on tOSU and our fans. Lots of times it’s really funny and pretty accurate given large amount of mustachioed mullet wearing townies (and Delany) that invade the area around the ‘shoe in the fall. Having said all that, their ‘You work for us’ attitude still makes me want to take a giant crap on the 50 at the Big Shit House.

This however was actually a little creepy. I thought I remembered exactly what Ohio State and its women looked like circa 1986. Wrong. Just take a look. If you aren’t from that era, withhold your judgment and go listen to Creed on your iPod.



I’m pretty sure I saw glimpses of Papa Joe’s, Mustards and maybe Travel Agency in there. See if you agree.

If you'll excuse me now, I’m going to peg the legs of my jeans and dig out my Sperry top-siders. Totally!

Hasta la vista, Baby.

PK out

Ring Ring Ring....

Hey baby, drove by your apartment last night didn’t see any lights on.

It was kinda late, actually had car trouble. What a coincidence that it was right in front of your place.

Seriously, I think it’s my alternator.

It has to do with the battery and shit.

No really, I just happened to be in the neighborhood. So anyway, did you go out or something? Studying?

PISCATAWAY?! What the hell is that?

Oh New Jersey. Didn’t know you were planning on going out of town. I was watching for you from my dorm room window and didn’t see you at the Starbucks across the street. That explains it. What’s the occasion?

Oh, yeah. USF Football. Right. Whoppiedeedoo. Still chasing the dream, huh? Are you there alone?

Of course. What a douche bag. Aside from being starting QB what he got?

OH YEAH, WHORE? Well they lost. You like that Bitch? LOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSERS! Hope you had fun while it lasted with your over-rated homos.

Baby I’m sorry. Can I call you when you get back…..Hello? Hellooooooo? Damn it.