Thursday, June 28, 2007

Engine 51…Engine 51

Stop at 7-11 and get some Rice Krispie treats and some Mountain Dew. I’m so stoned. Awesome. I wish I had a tape recorder because this is some funny shit. Hey did we get any munchies yet. Sweet.

Until 4:20 - PK out.

I know it’s fake, I don’t care. When you are as handsome as I am, facts don’t really matter that much.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Pete Rose's Sister Just Gave Me Shit

Late? Yes. At the bar? Yes. Drunk? Yes. Have a life? No. Well, I'm drunk here at the local bar and while I was sending out a small update to some of my fellow workers, I was heckled. Yes, heckled. For fuck's sake I'm trying to get a little fucking work done. By whom do you ask? Pete Rose's sister. Believe it or not it was. In all honesty, we were inseperable. Was there a moment? I think so. She breathed heavily on my neck while she badgered me about "why the fuck are you working" and shit like that. Really, I can't help it that some people have jobs you dirt leg skank. I wouldn't mind kicking her straight in the puss. Right now I am getting the waitress here to get me a good picture of her dancing in her drunk state in front of nobody. Yeah bitch. I have the upper hand here. I have pull and I hope that the next time your raspy ass voice doesn't ever talk to me again. If you do then I will seriously drop kick your 74 year old mother from Planes, Trains and Automobile looking ass through a wall. Well Take this bitch.
Nice if anyone would notice.

*UPDATE: Yeah, I hit it.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Tiger Woods got to have some of this.

If I am pressed to reveal my life’s passion on this mortal coil, I must say that it is being the guy who breaks the newest news. I’m usually right there in front of AP, Fox and the rest with the latest headlines. Obviously, I’m not talking about stuff like war, politics or the market….I’m all about the important stuff. Sports and Entertainment.

So anyways. Here’s another one for you. Tiger Woods' wife Elin is pregnant. I know. He got to make his “O” face while looking down at this heavenly creature. Or at least at the heavenly back of her head, while giving her a heavenly "Tony Danza". Way to go Tiger. Lucky.

Signing off, PK

UPDATE: In the world’s fastest gestation period Elin Woods had a baby girl, Sam Alexis Woods. I guess it stands to reason that Tiger’s seed would fire up in there with a sonic boom. Prediction: 18 years from now….World domination by Sam Woods.
Damn. PK

Thursday, June 14, 2007


OK - so Ms. Savant and I attended last night's Super Gayfest True Colors concert (featuring The Dresden Dolls, Deborah Harry, Cyndi Lauper, and Erasure). After quaffing a few adult beverages just prior, we were getting our groove on - she with all sorts of jentastic dance moves and I with the traditional white man's over-bite. I did, however, still manage to display my oh face, as well.

So we're rocking-out with my cock out in our really good row one stage-side seats and all of a sudden Cyndi Lauper decides to come over to our section to sing for a few minutes. So she runs past us and Ms. Savant gives her a 1/2 second high-five (in a very tender, but somehow sexually suggestive way). While it's cool and fun to talk about, I was like "what's up with that? Which team are you playing for?" It was loud and crazy so I doubt she heard me - or if she did, she simply acted with cool indifference. Hurting inside, I remained undeterred and committed to having some fun. So I turn-around and notice Cyndi is now dancing on the wall in front of our seats - probably a good 3 1/2 feet away. Whether or not it was the newly located spotlight and the related pressure of knowing everyone was looking in my vicinity, I'll never know - but I suddenly felt the need to bust out some serious dance moves. I felt I owed it to Cyndi - despite her thinly veiled attempt to steal my girlfriend.

After a good 90 seconds of Cyndi's dulcet vocals screaming, she heads back to the stage, but not before Ms. Savant gives her the double-handed arm grab as she passed -by. It was almost as if everything was in slow-motion…I was in jealous boyfriend hell wearing asbestos long johns! Horrified, sickened, and somewhat turned-on, I couldn't help but notice the gentle caress of two women discovering each other for the second time. They almost exchanged knowing glances, which was nearly followed by the quickened pulse that might have happened and imaginary - yet close to real - anxious anticipation for the next time. Cyndi practically undressed her with her eyes…that is if she had been looking at her. I'm damn certain she would have gotten around to it, too - were it not for the concert and all.

I know what you're thinking. I should feel excited and thankful to have a girlfriend open to experimentation (yes - she bop), which could possibly lead to backstage passes and better seats next time. But until you've gone through the pain, heartache and downright public embarrassment of watching your newly-bi girlfriend fall for the charms of a big-time rock star (Elvis has got nothing on Cyndi Lauper), you just don't know.

I can't write anymore right now. I think I died a little inside last night…

Buckeye SSSSSSavant signing off bitches.

P.S. Scored a beej from an Erasure roadie named Fritz last night. An update will follow my self-imposed mourning/blackout period

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

"in triumph doth wave"

On the eve of Flag Day it’s time to turn our eyes and hearts to what’s really important. Let’s put our hands over our hearts and remember that it’s only 76 days until the kick-off of Ohio State football. I know. Holy Shit. That’s barely a red coochie hair over 2 months.

I saw St. Tressel on the tube last night sitting next to Jim Brown at the Cavs wake. It made me so horny for football. Pretty soon we’ll have NFL training camps starting, which will at least give us something. Kinda like giving a jonesing cocaine freak a Mountain Dew, but it’s something. Then we get the full slate of NCAA football at the end of August.

Here’s a taste of what you can expect here at DaD during the football season.
There’s this little college football quickie about Meatchickin State's new uniforms. I didn’t see any mention in the story about the wide yellow stripe sewn in the back of the jerseys. ZING. ZOWIE. (ED: We hope you smart, savvy and sexy readers will keep reading Down and Distant anyway.)

I’m heading out right now to see if Street and Smiths College Preview is out yet.

Blue 32, Blue 32, PK Out.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Viva la Guacamole Farts

Yes, I was drunk last night a-holes. I am past that today and in my greatly decreasing chance of staying sober for one fucking night rolls along I must say I LOVE THE ALMA AWARDS! For those of you who hate Mexicans (Baker), the ALMA Awards celebrate......well something that has to do with Mexicans. So far I know who I'm really surprised with the upsets.

"Best Bean Dip" - Antonio Banderas
Didn't know that he was the brown equivalent of Paul Newman.

"Tastiest Taco" - Jessica Alba
Did she really beat out everyone from Menudo?

"The Dos Equis Suck it Award" - Everyone from Menudo
There we go.

"The Ricky Martin Award" - Enrique Iglesias
Well I don't get that at all.

"The Taco Bell at 3am Award" - Shakira
Took me a while too. Because of how your ass shakes the next morning. Get it....oh for god's sake come on.....diarrhea. Jesus I have to spell this shit out.

Just when I thought that the night couldn't get any better, all of the dirty Mexicans started shooting their six-shooters in the air and yelling "ARRRIBAA!!" After that, the final award of the night was given out

"We Love Pablo Escobar 2007 Award" - The Cincinnati Bengals

That's when I stood up crying my eyes out as they did a remote from the Cincinnati jail. BRAAAVOOOO SPICS.......BRRAAAAAVVVOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Viva la Poon

Monday, June 4, 2007

I'm in Hell and I still can't get away from the Rangers

Today is the first day in a long time that the Rangers didn't lose a game. Too bad that we had to do that by having the day off. Seriously what the hell is wrong with this team? Oh, maybe us fans should be behind them more so that they would have more money to chase after free agent. Fuck that. Yes, mother I swore. Fuck that.
If someone seriously tells me that the Rangers are struggling for money this year so they need more support than ever, I will punch them in the taint. Male or female, I don't care. Taint hit for you. I also will go out on a limb and say that the Rangers will not win more games this year than the Mavericks did(67). If they do, then it will not be by more than 5 games. That is Poon's lock of the year. If I am wrong then I owe my crew at the bar a round. Mark that bitches.
I honestly don't see hell being any worse than watching the Rangers play baseball. I know that Helen Keller can be a bitch of a receptionist and all, but I don't see it as that bad. Just to check to see how bad it really was I took a road trip down there just for the weekend, not solid plans yet. By the way I picked out a sweet piece of land if anyone is interested.
When I walked in there were space heaters blowing full blast in my face. Pretty horrible, but not the heat I was looking for. After wandering around for a while and waiting for help like I was a black person on a car lot, someone finally asked if I needed anything. "Just looking around." I said
"We have several specials right now. HAHAHAHA."

"I don't get it."

"Don't get what?"

"Why you were laughing."

"Little do you know how bad hell really is, sir! The space heaters were only the beginning. If you thought that was bad, we have mandatory tanning bed sessions daily! HAHAHAHA!"

"So, what's so bad with that?"

"You might think that you will get by on 8 minutes, but we make you stay for 12!!!!! That will lead to CANCER!!!!"

"Won't I already be dead?"


"Hey! Is that Hitler shoving a pineapple up his ass?"

As the large red man turned around and started spanking his red rocket, I ran back to the car and headed out. It seems nice and all, but I don't know how cold the beer will stay down there. That is the only hang up I have. Eh, I'll probably take the offer either way. I sure don't want to sit all stuck up watching people walk on streets of gold sober.