Sunday, August 26, 2007

Football, Goo and Dead Hookers....DAMN I LOVE SUNDAYS!

In my never ending pursuit of throwing everything in my life to complete shit for the sake of sports, I have just finished my 4th fantasy football draft. I know that there are some of my humble followers out there that are in more drafts that I am and for them I simply say, "suck it.....yep suck it." Is there really a need for this? Can one league not fill your sports tummy full of stats and upkeep enough to make it through a season? Do you really have a chance of winning any of your leagues? Is it odd if you have the Little League World Series playing in the background while you are multitasking between webpages of fantasy football drafts and amateur porn?
The answers of course are no, no, no and no as long as the sound is off. I guess that is one of the great things about not having a roommate. I can sit around on Sundays watching sports and having long distance shooting competitions all day without someone interrupting me. What are you doing? Put your pants on! Why is there mayonnaise in my shoe? Is that a dead hooker in your room covered in cocaine and peanut butter? Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You know as well as I do that during the summer when all you have is baseball to watch, you have to find ways to pass the time until football starts up.
Now that we are so close to the start of the greatest sports season of the year, of course I encourage you to join a few fantasy football leagues. Yeah, a few. Join 3 or 4. Pick different players in all of the drafts so you have some sort of chance of winning. I plan on spending at least 2 more nights this week at home alone getting completely hammered sitting in front of my computer ignoring calls from the old lady and partaking in more fantasy football teams. I expect my minions to do the same.
The only other piece of advice that I have for you is to put some effort into your team name.....almost as much effort on that as actually picking your team. I don't want to run into one of you online and see your team name as your email address or your actual name. Get creative. Here are some of my team names that you may steal.

off in the shower - Although I can't take full credit for this one, it is genius. Even if you lose a week the other person still has to say they beat off in the shower. There are some versions of this that you may also use like.....
off in your mother
off in penny loafers
you get the idea.

Granny's Hairy Hole - Nothing really special here, just disturbing enough to make you known.

A Stool Sample Named Desire - Again, can't take full credit for this one, but I like it.

Enjoy fantasy football like I do this year and good luck.

Of course by good luck I mean I hope that you don't ruin every aspect of your life within the next 6 months by taking my word on playing fantasy football. If you do, I'm looking for a roommate.

Fantasy Poonball

Monday, August 13, 2007

Reunited and it feels so good…

(ed: Buckeye Savant actually asked permission to do two Rock and Roll posts back-to-back. Well, how could we keep him from doing so? He does work in a vinyl record shop, wears sleeveless black concert t-shirts and has a 6' bong named Tall Stanley and smaller one named SpAced Frehley. Plus it's not like anyone is really shaking the late summer doldrums off this MFer. So on with the show Savant. Hello Cleveland!)

OK boys and girls, drop your linen and start your grinin' as it looks like 75% of the original bands Van Halen and Led Zeppelin will be touring (albeit separately) in the next 6-7 months. If you don't already smoke pot, this is as good a time as any to start (just stay away from Washington Park). Van Halen is all but confirmed for 50 US dates and it is very likely Led Zep will follow suit. Although the roll of Michael Anthony will be played by Wolfgang Van Halen (Eddies' son) and Jason Bonham will beat the skins in place of his dad, John, expect both outfits to bring-it!

I'll go out on a limb and guarantee the following for each show: outrageous ticket prices, hot, skanky topless hard rock groupies, palpable nostalgia, contact buzzes, sweet-ass concert shirts, and really great music. Two of the best front-men in the history of rock-n-roll will be on display (one wearing ass-less chaps, which, ironically, strikes me as "less gay" than wearing regular chaps) so chug a few Red Bulls before the show as you may need every ounce of energy.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Something happened at AT&T Park last night

ATT Park -- the scene of the crime
I know it’s controversial and polarizing. It may also be racially dividing. It’s a topic that has battle lines drawn between baseball fans young and old. Something happened last night in the City by The Bay. We don’t usually shy away from controversial topics at Down and Distant so it’s no wonder that we are going to tackle this one.

For some reason I found myself watching the telecast of the Nationals and Giants game from AT&T Park. That’s when it happened. It’s tough to talk about but here goes. They have a woman PA announcer there. I know! Can you believe it? First Title IX, then Pam Ward in the D-1 college TV booth, now a skirt at a ball park. Oh the horror. She was really belting it out, so it would have been tough to miss her over-announce-screaming the names of Giants as they approached the plate.
The fake Condi Rice, Renel Brooks-Moon Giants announcer.

Maybe baseball should put an asterisk next to Giants home wins. Too harsh? I’m not so sure.

PK. Out.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Who's Now

As much as I love me some ESPN, lately I have been highly disappointed with the hollow attempts to try to bring something funky and hip to those of us that repeatedly watch SportsCenter for hours at a time. Believe me, I would give righty to get Dan Patrick and Keith Olberman back on the same team in the mornings, but I have come to the realization that it will never happen and I’m ok with that.
What I’m not ok with is this Who’s Now crap.

“Who’s Now? More like Who’s watching this shit?”

I’ll wait for the applause to stop…….oh. Guess they never started for that one. Either way my humble followers filthy peasants chronic meat beaters, I would rather stick my dick in a porcupine’s ass than watch another second of this crap. This did get me thinking though about something that we might be able to do here at D&D. All day we have been sitting around dressed as our favorite Village People (I’m the cowboy!) and we have come down to the semi-finals of our Who’s More Gayer-ier Tournament. We have 4 different regions with contestants from TV, music, sports and religion. Here are the finalists.

The finalist from the “Bob Saget” region is Little Ricky Ricardo. Ouch, did I strike a nerve right off the bat? Have you known for us to care about your feelings? Then shut that glory hole of yours and keep reading. Everyone remembers when Lucy was working in the chocolate factory and shoved all that chocolate in her mouth because her and Ethel couldn’t keep up with how fast the belt was running. (season 2 episode 39 if you were wondering) Well, the episode where little Ricky tried to see how many hot dog wieners he could shove down his throat was somewhat the same, but not all that popular….especially for the time period we are talking about. I don’t know what sex move the “Babalu” is but if I don’t know it, it must be crazy. The awkward scene between him and Fred will not be discussed here…..even by me and that’s saying a lot. Move on Little Ricky…..move on.

Coming from the “Chinese Women’s Olympic Swim Team” region is John Amaechi. Yes, it might be the easiest pick for us to make it to the finals, but show me someone more deserving. This little ball-gagger was the first big time pro athlete to publicly come out of the closet. As much as I hate to say that this guy was a pro athlete (since I never heard of him until he came down with the gay) he did play pro ball and that’s more than I can say for myself. Can he beat me in a game of one-on-one…..yes. Can he throw me a little rusty trombone on birthdays and anniversaries? Yes! That’s why he won the bracket.

From the “What Exactly Does the ‘H’ Stand For” region is Zacchaeus. Yes he was a wee little man and a wee little man was he. There are photographs of him hanging out in a Sycamore tree too catch a quick glimpse of his man crush. When the two of their eyes met, it was magic. J said, “Come down from there. We should have dinner tonight. I’ll bring the wine.” Cheap bastard. He just brought water and changed it on the spot. Anyways, anyone that can sneak a peek of JC’s browneye gets votes from me. He’s in.

Finally, from the “Assless Chaps” region is Lori and Reba Shappell. Yeah I went there. You can’t tell me that for the first 35 years of their single lives that there wasn’t some crazy stuff going on. I mean that close to each other they must have messed around more than once. I will say that when you get them drunk they are quite the pair. I still hope that they will return my call. I feel so used. To the finals with you before I puke.

So in the semi (chuckle) finals we have Little Ricky Ricardo facing John Amaechi and Zacchaeus going head to head to head with Lori and Reba Shappell.

This is where we do a little audience participation… make the call. Who is going to move on from the regions? If nobody leaves comments, I will start replacing people in this list with real people that I know that read this blog daily. I will put your home address, cell phone number, first and last name and possibly your social security number. Not a threat, just a head’s up.

As P-Diddy said, “Vote or Die.”

After all that, I will still take Tiger Woods over Lebron James in the Who’s Now finale.

Poon’s Now