In my never ending pursuit of throwing everything in my life to complete shit for the sake of sports, I have just finished my 4th fantasy football draft. I know that there are some of my humble followers out there that are in more drafts that I am and for them I simply say, "suck it.....yep suck it." Is there really a need for this? Can one league not fill your sports tummy full of stats and upkeep enough to make it through a season? Do you really have a chance of winning any of your leagues? Is it odd if you have the Little League World Series playing in the background while you are multitasking between webpages of fantasy football drafts and amateur porn?
The answers of course are no, no, no and no as long as the sound is off. I guess that is one of the great things about not having a roommate. I can sit around on Sundays watching sports and having long distance shooting competitions all day without someone interrupting me. What are you doing? Put your pants on! Why is there mayonnaise in my shoe? Is that a dead hooker in your room covered in cocaine and peanut butter? Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You know as well as I do that during the summer when all you have is baseball to watch, you have to find ways to pass the time until football starts up.
Now that we are so close to the start of the greatest sports season of the year, of course I encourage you to join a few fantasy football leagues. Yeah, a few. Join 3 or 4. Pick different players in all of the drafts so you have some sort of chance of winning. I plan on spending at least 2 more nights this week at home alone getting completely hammered sitting in front of my computer ignoring calls from the old lady and partaking in more fantasy football teams. I expect my minions to do the same.
The only other piece of advice that I have for you is to put some effort into your team name.....almost as much effort on that as actually picking your team. I don't want to run into one of you online and see your team name as your email address or your actual name. Get creative. Here are some of my team names that you may steal.
off in the shower - Although I can't take full credit for this one, it is genius. Even if you lose a week the other person still has to say they beat off in the shower. There are some versions of this that you may also use like.....
off in your mother
off in penny loafers
you get the idea.
Granny's Hairy Hole - Nothing really special here, just disturbing enough to make you known.
A Stool Sample Named Desire - Again, can't take full credit for this one, but I like it.
Enjoy fantasy football like I do this year and good luck.
Of course by good luck I mean I hope that you don't ruin every aspect of your life within the next 6 months by taking my word on playing fantasy football. If you do, I'm looking for a roommate.