Wednesday, December 12, 2012

The Worst Christmas Songs Of All Time

Oh it's that time again little ones.  The time of year where good 'ol Poon locks himself in his house, fully stocked on lubricant, whiskey and severed doll heads just so he doesn't have to get out into this hellish society we have created.  Here's the thing, I'm not opposed to Christmas.  I like giving shit to people and getting shit from people.  It's one of the few times of the year I have the opportunity to see someone truly smile.  Not a "hey nice to see you here" or "thanks for asking if I needed a refill" smile.  Not that.  The true "I cannot believe you had it in you to do something you knew would mean so much" smile. 

With that said, I hate the living shit out of Christmas music.  Pretty much all of it.  If I really felt lazy this evening I could even write down a list of ever Christmas song ever made and say each one was a tie for #1 worst ever.  I won't.  This may be tough to fight through, but here you go. 

10. Silver Bells

This has always sounded to me like we are at a funeral for someone named Silver Bells.  It's creepy as fuck.  Dreary.  Awful.  Love ya Bing. 

9. Oh Holy Night - Arcade Fire

So here is the thing.  I honestly don't know if this is real or not.  I looked all over the place and it seems to be fake, but I'm not an Arcade Fire fan so we will just say plausible.  If it is real, then may SantaGod have mercy on the poor souls that spent the time recording this.  If it is fake, then may ReindeerJesus take this down from the Internet or pierce my ears with a rusty needle.  Either way it's a win.

8. Santa Baby - Raelynn (and really anyone ever)

Always beaten my ass.  Especially when a young person does it.  Disturbing to whore your daughter out just because the song is popular with middle aged housewives that dream of having an affair with some fat bearded fuck.  The only goo version of course was done by Taylor Swift.  DON'T YOU DARE SAY A FUCKING WORD DIFFERENT YOU ASSDICK!

7. Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth

Oh Jesus fuck me........

6.  All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth - Your Mom

So you say I should give this poor child a break because she is cute or British or retarded or whatever.  I SAY THEE NAY!  NAY I SAY!!!  CHILD EXPLOITATION!!!!!

5. Let it Snow - Jessica Simpson

Not actually a horrible rendition of an awful song, but the fact that she may have actually filmed this against a green screen in her basement makes it on the list for pure lack of effort.  You need Nick back in your life sweetheart......

4. Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas is You

You did notice that this is the only one on this list where the artist is listed before the song.  Well good for you.  I am not a huge fan of this song overall, however, having to see what octave you are singing in by watching your hand go up and down while you death-grip your diamond encrusted microphone like it's Nick Cannon's baby arm is absolutely atrocious.  Did you also know that she kicks puppies in her spare time?  Look it up.  Hell trend it on Twitter.  #mariahkickspuppies

3. Christmas Don't Be Late - Alvin and the Chipmunks

Damn I love those bastards.  I just don't like when they fuck with me around Christmas.  Don't. Fucking.  Do.  It. 

2. Carol of the Bells

I get the fact that bells do in fact go "ding, dong, ding, dong" and I thank you for your reminder of that.  With that in mind, please stop.  The kids yelling this at me make me feel like I am taking part of a Children of the Corn ritual.  THEY WANT YOU TOO MALIKAI!!!!!

1. Wonderful Christmas Time - Paul McCartney
This video was hand crafted my the hand of Satan, sung with the tongue of Medusa and filmed through the eyes of that creepy guy from Poltergeist with the odd hat.  I don't really know why every store in America must play this in the checkout line while I wait behind some Hindu family breaking down a single basket into 16 different orders.  JUST GIVE THEM $6 FOR YOUR RICE AND BANANAS AND CALL IT A DAY!!!!!!

And here is a video of 3 hours of Christmas music just because I hate you. 

Oh and we just hit 10k page views. Merry Fucking Christmas.

Putting the ass in Christmas,

St. Pooncholas