Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Just Click the Second "Play" Icon and Enjoy....

hermaphrodite rebate
monkey pumpkin
AIDS uterus
horse seven-iron
pumpkin scrotum
billygoat tophat
scrotum deliverance
Danish handpuppet
ant three-pointer
bird switchblade
I’m a hot chick
super glue my penis
kangaroo seven iron
Hispanic elements
gay lizard
electric monkeypox
gay for people of my own opposite sex
placenta facial
buffalo printer
gay and pregnant
neti pot
concrete tasty chicken
cat breath
billygoat instigator
crossstich parakeet
Jesus GPS
donkey machete
bisexual george

Sunday, September 20, 2009

How the NFL Ruined Football......and My Life

No pictures and no funny asshole not because we are not funny, because this is a serious post this week. Ok, we really aren't very funny and by this week I mean the second post this year. I'm such an overachiever.
Week three of college ball and week two of pro ball is almost in the books and what a season we have so far. I don't want to drone on about upsets, injuries or who you should start in your fantasy leagues mainly because I don't know and I'm not educated enough to form complete sentences about any of those topics. I do want to talk about something that I finally witnessed today that will ruin pro football for me.
Cable, satellite and U-verse users (AT&T plug. If you haven't already, please check it out and see if it's available in your area. welcome to the NFL RedZone channel. Yeah, the fucking NFL RedZone channel. Don't have NFL Sunday Ticket with DirecTV? No worries, this takes the place of all of the shitty parts of all of the games and lets you get to the meat of the games. Basically, the RedZone channel will cut to every game that is in the (guesses?........) RedZone. Hence the name dumbass. I expect more out of you. Couldn't even guess that right. Sounds great? Can't wait to get your remote next week to check it out? Not so fast young one.....
Pro's and Con's:
Pro - You can see every touchdown that is scored each week. They actually state that. That's fucking impressive. What happens if two games score at the same time? They will cut back and forth to let you see every significant play.
Con - You completely get sucked into this channel. I had two games on this morning, both good matchups and what did I do? I watched this channel through most of the day. I missed who knows how many great other plays that I would get a boner about. Big hits? Missed it. Did I see that 4th down stand? Nope, but I did see that insignificant 2 yard touchdown run.
Pro - It's in HD. HELL YEAH BITCHES!!! HD. Crystal clear picture for every game that is going on. I couldn't ask for more.
Con - What happens when there are no games in the redzone? Well, apparently they choose one of two options. They will switch to either game that I have locally playing like I can't already fucking see that, or they will switch to any game that includes a team that will in no means on God's green earth reach the playoffs.
Pro - Did I mention HD? Ok. Did you miss something during the day? Between 6 and 630 CST, they will replay all of the days touchdowns. Nicely done. Sometimes SportsCenter doesn't show exactly what I wanted out of some games and you have that covered. Well done sir.
Con - Not a ton of player stats. If you are looking for a recap of player stats for your fantasy leagues, this is not your place to be. Do like I did and have your laptop going with two windows open. One has Yahoo live streaming going and the other has ESPN live gamecast going. Loser. (looking into the mirror) WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOUR WHORE LIPSTICK ON YOU FILTHY WHORE! YEAH YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A DIRTY WHORE!

Overall what do I think? Why they hell can't you make a decision on your own? Get it or request it and check it out for yourself. Bitch.

Friday, January 9, 2009

What a wonderful day to hang myself....

(front door opens to a dark abandoned D&D headquarters)
Anyone here?
Wow, the old office looks so sad these days.
(flicks light switch to reveal the distressed remains of the once prestigious HQ)
Oh, look at the rotting dog carcass! I remember when PK asphyxiated himself while pleasuring his anus when i was using it as a sock puppet.
And the hole in the bathroom stall when we tried to play who's wiener tastes worse after 2 seconds in a bloody asshole with the intern. Damn I miss those days. I wonder what the old crew is up to now?
Too bad this will be the last time that I look at this old place. It has come to my attention lately that I am so fucking cursed with this college football shit that I am bringing this disaster to and end. I had to watch Utah pull of that crap and I really don't want to hear them bitch for a year on how they deserve to be #1. Be thankful you are number 2 you British cigarettes!

Utah - you are why I am hanging myself.

And Oklahoma....why lose to Florida? Why? I hate hearing that God sucking mother fucker Tebow with his big tittied ass girlfriend say how great he is and how much he has done for society.

Oklahoma - you are why I am hanging myself.

Fox. Really? I heard your spare ass BCS crew tell me all game how much Tebow has meant to college football and how the Gaytors are destined to win.

Fox - you are why I am hanging myself.

Fiesta Bowl was a great game....if you do not hate Texas. Well I fucking do. I was upset that tOSU lost and I really think that I am a curse to Buckeye nation, but I would rather suck on Mark Mangino's underboob than have that Colt McCoy fuck-knuckle win another game.

Texas - you are why I am hanging myself.

Is it a bit much? Possibly. But after 8 months crying my bloody rectum to sleep after sucking dick and taking bribes for a quick shot from a rusty AIDS infested meth needle to the forehead while in rehab, why wouldn't I.

(the noose tosses above the doorway to the old office as I tighten it up to make sure I don't screw this up. I fit my head inside the noose and snug it to my neck. A mild erection occurs)

Well...didn't expect that. Fuck it, just jump off the stool and call it a day.

Ok, maybe one last quickie.

Savant: Dude, what the FUCK are you doing?!? Where have you been?

(Hairy Carray, Pork Chop U and PK follow Savant in the doorway)

I thought this was done? I thought we boarded the place up for good? I thought more than anything we realized we suck at this and ran out of material?

PK: Well we did. We were going to light ourselves on fire in here and burn down with the building.

Oh.....sorry to ruin that bag of fun.

Pork Chop: 3 BCS losses in a row really buried us too.

Hairy Carray: Hey Poon, why is your back to us? reason.....

PK: You have got to stop masturbaiting......

Poon: Why?

The end?