OK - so most of you already have your costume ideas for Halloween 2007 (Spiderman, Dirty Sanchez, Charles Nelson Riley etc.), but how many of you are prepared to play - not turn - tricks this year? We, here at d&d, are feeling a little rambunctious and, as such, would like to offer-up for your reading pleasure our Guide to Halloween Trickery.
In our estimation, all good tricks should involve one or more (more's better) of the following: public humiliation, fecal matter, special undergarments, transmission of a sexually transmitted disease (always a crowd pleaser), doughnuts, semen, a furry mammal (bonus points for using marsupials), and ethnic slurs.
If it's your first Halloween trick, try something basic. After all, you don't want to set-up yourself for failure. You might, for example, simply poop on your neighbors front porch. For added mystery, do it in a paper bag and place on the welcome mat before ringing the doorbell and running away. If you're feeling supremely confident, light the bag on fire.
Intermediate Halloween buffoonery might incorporate just a couple of these tried-and-true themes - like tossing off and unloading in the pouch of a kangaroo and then telling your neighbors there is candy in the pouch. When they reach in, they will get a fist full of goo.
Gotcha!For the advanced trickster, pull-out all the stops...
Ruffies Man. Ruffies! Hand ‘em out to the kiddos and by 7:30 it’ll look like a bomb went off in the neighborhood. Kids strewn about everywhere.
Try this if you have a storm door on your front door. Open the front door, turn your porch light on like you are giving away candy. Then turn your TV toward the door and put on the foulest raunchiest porn (Sure, HC you can use gay porn if you want) you can find, turn up the volume and leave the house. Awesome!
Go back to May and plant sweet corn in your neighbor’s lawn. By now you’ll have a bounty of delicious corn ready for harvest. MMMMM, corn.
Pesky neighborhood children? Have we got a game for you. Take the little darlings for a long walk into the dark woods. Wait patiently for the first kiddo to mutter, "Mister, I'm getting scared." That's when the fun begins. You reply, "You think your scared? I have to walk out of here alone." Then sit back and chortle as the little bastards make tracks thiugh the thicket, running into trees and shredding their tender shins on brambles. Shit, that one slays us every time.
Now comes the audience participation portion of the evening. Please add your tricks in the comment section. If you know what’s good for you, Ghoul!
Savant and crue out.