Monday, November 8, 2010

Clap, Clap, Clap...

No I am not referring to the respective diseases staffers Poon, PK, and Hairy Carray picked-up on a recent staff road trip (read "bender") to Ann Arbor, where, incidentally, the woman are fat and the football weak, but they make up for it by having the worst cocktail in the world!*** Instead, I am simply listing what follows the "overrated" chant. And when it comes to overrated in sports for the year 2010, I can think of no more deserving team than the Dallas Cowboys.

Now I have cheered for some bad teams during my lifetime - including some REALLY bad Cleveland Indians squads - but never has a team with so many advantages been this fricking lousy. Homer Simpson may have been referring to the 2010 Cowboys when he uttered his famous phrase "the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked." Of course, he may have been asked to critique the authors of the witty prose posted on this website. On second thought, that's pretty unlikely because I, not unlike the rest of our crack staff, like to rock out with my caulk out.

OK - back to the Cowboys...

Fabulous new stadium? Check. High-priced roster? Check. Fanatical fan-base? Yep. Tradition? As good as any in the National Football League.

Results? Results? Anyone...anyone...results?

One win!?!? That's all they have is one God damn win.

America's Team, my ass. Overrated is more like it.

My name is Buckeye Savant. I love hot Indian - you know "dot" Indian - women, an occasional Washington Apple shot, the Cleveland Indians...and I am out!

***Ann Arbor Highball, the worst cocktail EVER = 2 parts Cutty Sark + 2 parts Tab Cola.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Elvis was a Bad Ass

Having recently parlayed my "Paul Stanley" hairy chest, prescription sunglasses, and $100 jumpsuit and wig into my own personal spin on The King of Rock-N-Roll, I feel somewhat compelled to blog about Elvis. I mean this dude was the definition of bad ass...when you can eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches, burgers, and BBQ pizza and balloon-up to nearly three bills - and still get super-model p*ssy, you really are The King. Ann Margaret? Tapped it! Natalie Wood? Knocked the bottom out of it!

Elvis could wear whatever the f*ck he wanted too. If I could pull wool like that wearing an open chest bedazzled white jumpsuit, I'd probably never wear anything else. (Editorial note: remove the word "probably").

And what about the Memphis Mafia? Keeping your cronies close is always a good idea (note to Poon: remember the little people on your way to the top). Elvis even had a dude who carried a cigar box with everything he might need at a given moment in time (thin cigars, Viseine drops, gum, hard candy, chocolate, uppers, downers etc.). Although pure speculation, I am pretty sure the d & d staff cigar box would contain the following: rodent nail clippers, gum, roofies, industrial size bottle of knock-off cologne ('cause you never know when a gas station will run out), ball gag, beads manufactured for an as-yet unknown know - just the basics.

To further illustrate how bad ass he was, let's recall his trip to Nixon's White House to visit the president in order to discuss anti-drug legislation...while he was stoned to the Bejesus Belt. Balls of steel on that King of Rock-N-Roll, I tell ya.' Nixon even gave him a stinkin' badge - despite the fact that he really didn't need it.

Aside from the whole impacted bowel heart attack on the toilet thing, I think I'd walk a mile in The King's shoes.

Thank you...thank you very much!