Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Lock the door behind you, Poon.

The Grand Old Lady - Boarded up. Sad, huh?



Memo: To all employees, fans, readers and haters, etc.

Subject: The future of down and distant

From: PK, Editor in Chief.

It saddens me to do this but I have been left with no real alternative. And no, Savant, turning this into a homosexual KISS fan match making service is NOT a real alternative. IT’S NOT.

I digress. It became clear that we needed a restructuring of our corporate culture, mission statement, contributor staff and even the building itself. We haven’t been living up to our end of the bargain in writing the blog. So we are taking a step back and reorganizing.

We are also going virtual. No more corporate offices, assigned parking spaces, executive wash rooms, full release massage stations in the lobby, and <> no more free Ben and Jerry’s in the cafeteria. All were too costly and way too distracting. To be honest though, I probably wouldn’t be making this kind of announcement if it hadn’t be for the tragic events of last week.

It was a normal Tuesday morning, Poon was just waking up on the couch in his office (as his wife still won’t let him in the house since the “
Boston Cream Pie incident of 2006.”) when he heard a thunderous racket outside his office. He looked out through the mail slot to see PorkChop and Hairy Carrey dressed only in jock-straps and rollerblades dragging a burlap bag full of very angry badgers. They were screaming at the top of their lungs the destination of their feral cargo -- Savant’s assistant Tristen’s office. The distruction ended up being massive. Not only in the physical structure of the office building, but the morale and purpose of the organization.

It’s a wake up call for sure. Bottom line: We’re selling the building and all it’s contents. We’ll be attending a team building retreat in Pago Pago in hopes of repairing our fractured relationships. (except for HC. He has to stay back so he doesn’t miss his anal bleaching appointment…he’s almost done) The real work will need to be done between me and that VAG Poon. Don’t get me started.

When we return in a few weeks or so we’ll have a renewed vision and a real mission statement. We’ll probably have all the same contributors and most likely a couple more. We’ll have some weekly series to run as well. We will rise again.

Stay tuned.
PK

Note: Despite our break for vision, energy, and creative renewal, you'll be relieved to learn that Michigan will continue sucking, as always.

Friday, April 25, 2008

That time of the month



I was going to start this off by using a common blogging tool loosely titled “Real life and work got in the way of posting anything, lately.” You and I both know that that is a cubic ton of shit. There are 5 so called contributors to this thing. We just suck.

Let’s go into the weekend with another installment of the lame-o You Write Our Blog For Us. aka Fun Photo Caption.


So next week we will redouble our efforts and churn out some seriously kick-ass blogocity. Real award winning stuff. But instead of “redouble our efforts” insert "continue looking for gooey treasures in our noses." And in place of "award winning stuff", say "maybe sometime in May."

PK out

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Dominus Nabisco



As you’ve heard by now the Pope is in da house. It’s only the third time ever that a Pope has visited the US. So in honor of His Royal Religious Highnessocity’s visit we’re taking a look back at the recent “New” sins that His Popeness added a few weeks ago. The Vatican announced several new sins for 2008 - including causing environmental blight and bioethical violations. Never a website to ignore the topic of sins (or an opportunity to make a new list), we at d&d would like to offer some suggestions for sins that didn't make Pope Benedict's list.


Premature Ejaculation - I mean come on (sorry)…early departure really isn't good for anyone, is it? Perhaps by making it a sin, Hairy Carray will work on his "issue." Men, don't forget practice makes perfect and if that doesn't work, you could always think of dung beetles (thanks to Jason Bigg's character from American Pie for that jewel).


Cheering for M*chigan - In the realm of good vs. evil, you certainly don't want to live in the shadows by cheering for the Evil Fiefdom (they suck too much to be an empire). Many sins have a gray area, but not this one. Just don't do it. Rooting for the Buckeyes is surely the path to salvation, but if you can't dig on the Scarlet and Gray, just don't support the Maize and Blue or you will suffer a fate worth than death (unless you like the Capital One Bowl).

Driving Slow in the Left Lane - Frankly, this should have made the list 40 years ago. Who are all these slow-driving in the left lane M-Fers? Get out of the left lane and get into the express lane to Hell, assholes!


Talking on Your Cell Phone While in a Check-Out Line - If it's not an emergency (lining-up sex for later, ordering tickets to a Buckeyes' game, or renewing your subscription to down and distant), then wait until later. If you're on your phone while in the queue at McDonald's, we hope some one ejaculates (but not prematurely) in the tartar sauce on your filet of fish.

If you need further New Age spiritual guidance, please contact d&d. Add your additions to the list in the comment section, heathen.

War Hallelujah!

Out

(of the left lane, assholes)

Buckeye Savant


Thursday, April 3, 2008

And the winner.....

Hairy Carrey reacts to the realization that PorkChop didn't pick a winner.


I was going to write about the final four. Yes, I know I didn’t capitalize it like CBS wants me to—but we don’t get any advertising dollars from them and I still don’t have a cool, expensive car that makes me feel good about myself, so go pound sand up your ass.


I might be the least qualified person of all the writers (and I use that term loosely) on D&D to write anything about basketball. This year, I have paid less attention to the NCAA tournament than I have to my stepson’s World ofWarcraft game. No titties, no watchie.

I wasn’t even going to fill out a bracket for the first time in 20 years. I didn’t have the emotional depth to think about it after Ohio State took the skin bus to poop town. I mean, really, the NIT? Can anyone else see that turd merchant from Florida spray painting on the wall yet? Or is it just me?
So some dude from down the hall came by my office on Thursday morning at 10:30 and told me to write a check for $11 and fill out a bracket. That’s right. Eleven dollars. Mars, bitches.

So I filled it out in two minutes, which is what everyone says when the bracket they filled out sucks harder than Billy Joel at Ozzfest. And I had listened to some fuckface at ESPN on the radio that morning who said, “Ooh Georgetown, when they get through putting the hurt on everyone, it’s going to be worse the CIA’s Phoenix Program in Vietnam. Nothing but chalk.”

It ends up, all four No. 1s make it to the final four and the people who make the brackets are breaking their elbows patting themselves on the back. Come on, starch scrotes. Everyone in the world fills out at least one bracket where all the No. 1s go to the final four. My cat is winning the pool right now with that bracket.

So instead, I was going to talk about Davidson, a team that played pretty well before succumbing to the mohair anal beads that are the Kansas basketball program. And then I was going to talk about M Pork Chop U, because when I went to school, I’m pretty sure we were in the Southern Conference with Davidson. Back then, MPCU was a decent basketball school and the football team lost to Morris Harvey (College, not University). In 1985, or some other shitty year, we got a big boy tournament berth and closed down Third Avenue and threw girls in the air with stadium blankets before some fucker screamed, “Raid the 7-11!” and all 1,000 of us ran in and took every ounce of beer. And there was no rape.

And I think I remember a roadie where we went to a game against Davidson and the girls there specialized in rimjobbery. But I might be mixing up my Southern Conference schools.

So I went to MPCU’s website to corroborate said late-night scuzzery, buffoonery and other sodomies. And what to my wandering eyes appear? An abortifacient (look it up, or better yet, read a book). That’s right. My school’s crapulent website doesn’t even mention its inclusion in the Southern Conference.

And the Southern Conference website, powerhouse that it is, doesn’t even mention my school, except for Jeff Montgomery. For real. And he’s from Jackson, or is it Wellston? I can never keep them straight.

No wonder Memphis has won 37 (4,323) games in a row. Jesus, they play my squadron.
So fuck me, I guess. It’s as if MPCU didn’t play in any league that exists other than the honey-laden oases of the Conference USA. Mid America doesn’t want to remember the ThunderClap, seeing as we went stampede on everyone and heard the lamentations of the women and saw our enemies driven before us.

So, here it is. Kansas wins because Psycho T isn’t that good (do they play?). And UCLA wins because of some John Wooden thing. And then, Poon falls into the RiverWalk and is saved by a Ben-Wa ball, who is subsequently arrested for public cunnilingus.

Pork Chop Out

(Ed: So it's up to you, Turd Burglar, to pick your own winner. MPCU ripped a hammy while sitting on the fence and left it in your capable hands. So?)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Super Sexy Brackety Updates

Savant fills out his bracket, at the same time predicts
the Tet Offensive, The Rodney King beating and that
Paul McCartney will marry and divorce a one-legged chick.

With the looming specter that is the MPorkChopU pickaging of the Final Four, I thought it prudent to slap a little update across your mulleted dome. For the first time in a while or ever or something all the seats at the Final Four table are filled with number 1 seeds. I’m not going to steal any of MPCU’s thunder but it looks like a match up of No. 1s in the final is pretty freakin likely. Which is nice.

Anyhoo. How’d the rest of the d&d do on their pickery? Cristal and Caviar? Or a dirty rotten
Boston Cream Pie. Well I got to tell you we ROCKED IT. Seriously, I’ve never seen such pickilation.

Take my portion of the bracket for instance. I had the unenviable task of trying to finger out just how Georgetown was going to go down early to Davidson. I nailed it. 100% Bitches! Check it out
here for yourself if you don’t believe me. See I told you. Don’t fuck with PK!

The other boys kicked the same amount of ass as I did. To a man – 100%. I wish we’d gone to Vegas with this shit. Dick Vitale, can suck it.

Savant with
greatness
Poon with perfection
And HC with pure genius

Tomorrow – MporkChopU will open up the third story window in his corner office and speaketh more truth to you peons.

Until then.

PK out.

SITE UPDATE: The links above seem to be malfunctioning. Try this
one.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Free at Last, Free at Last!!!!!

My favorite comedy of all time.


Boy my ass hurts. Thanks guys for not putting up the ransom and letting me stay there all day. Seriously? He wanted $20 and a pack of Funyons. Let me preface this by saying that I have not seen any games today.
Do you not know that running this empire is more than just witty humor and constantly proving to everyone that you are the all knowing sports God? There is a lot more that goes into this than that. We have to…….well do other stuff. It’s hard to explain. Shut it. For instance this week I have been touring West Texas signing computer monitors for some of our winners from our inaugural “Angriest Beaver” competition. I would also like to take this opportunity to say congrats to my mom for winning. It’s a lot angrier than I remembered. I think that I still have hairs caught in my teeth from birth.
I have been thinking since the brackets were announced about how much of a complete ass I made of myself last year. I will still not give up on the double elimination brackets. With that said, I am here this year to redeem myself.
Let me get the shit out of the way that I don’t care about. Tossed salads (overrated, believe me I know), soap on a rope (defeats the purpose of our d&d group shower time) and dingle berries.
As far as the bracket is concerned, not only will I fully predict all of the winners from the West, but I will also predict the scores. UCLA will get into a much closer game then you might think with Miss Valley State. UCLA 87-76. With Duke going against Belmont….wait, who? Isn’t that a horse track? Well, whatever. Either way, Duke beats Barbaro U 83-64. Now are you ready for the Poon Blue Balls and a Cold Shower Bracket Buster Pick of the Year. Georgia got hot at a perfect time of year. They played 4 games in 3 days to win their tourney and they will pull off the biggest upset of the year when they defeat Xavier 76-72. Mark it mofos. As much as I hate UConn, they will beat San Diego worse than Urban Meyer beats his wife. Its true. Spread the word. 92-78. Now talk about a game that I don’t give two rotten hairy taints about. Drake will beat Western Cuntucky 68-65. If I had to make another prediction about that game, I would say that both teams get flat tires and we don’t have to waste time on SportsCenter watching the highlights. To Drake and WKU you get my Suck It award of the year. Although Baylor is known for killing people, they will not kill Purdue. P-U 82-68. I see another upset with Arizona giving WVU the Superman 79-71. For the last of the first round, I see the first and only all white school in America beating the Aggies 88-84.

This leaves the second round with UCLA vs. BYU, Drake vs. UConn, Purdue vs. Georgia, and Arizona vs. Duke.
Bill Walton will completely destroy Ty Detmer 83-68. For the love of God, get Drake out of this tourney. UConn does it in tremendous fashion winning 93-77. D.J. Shockley gets hit with another tornado and goes down on Gene Keady……deep. 88-74. Of course Duke will eliminate Arizona 91-77.

Thirds anyone? Yes, please. Less cream this time….my sheets are getting sticky. I don’t know what that means either. UCLA vs. UConn will prove exactly who is the better of the “U’s” as if any of us care. UCLA 81-79. Duke moves on easily over Purdue 77-69. (giggle)

Are we done yet?
Like you didn’t see this coming? Duke pulls off the upset when Bobby Hurley and Tyrone Hill have to fill in for the aching starters. They slap that stupid golden C off of the Bruins shirts and move onto the Final Four 74-66.

GO DUKE!

Poon (aka white Jesus)

Ballin' Update:



We just heard from Poon. Well not exactly. We heard from “Representatives” of Poon. Anyway he’s been unavoidably detained. We fully expect to get a basketball post out of him, if and when the Ross Perot financed raid on the compound, where we think Poon is being held, completes. Of course, he’ll have hindsight in his favor, so he’ll probably get a bunch of today’s game correct. That is if he’s alive and/or is bung isn’t too agitated.

By the way, we don’t bargain with these bastards. That is unless they have beers, of course

More news at 11.

PK out

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

More Expert Pickery

Detroit
Photo courtesy of the cover of the
Detroit Chamber of Commerce 2007 Annual Report


I get to pick the Midwest regional, which culminates with games in Detriot. Blech. This bracket picking is always a little dicey for me. Here’s how my pickage usually goes. I start by selecting the winners in the first round with complete disregard to whom I think might eventually win the region. Most non-morons might go the other way and pick the region winner first and then work backwards. Not this moron.

So I can wind up at with a Sweet 16 match up of perennial powers like Cal State Fullerton and UMBC (whoever the fuck that is. Merchant Marine Academy or something?)

So it’s no wonder why I continually suck complete ass at this, in spite of my earlier
boasting. You should know by now not to believe everything you read. But because you are reading this here blog, you may not be the brightest bulb anyway. I digress.

Here’s how the Midwest will go. I hope you haven’t filled out your bracket yet, because this shit it going to be gold this year. Bank. On. It.

The "win one and done" crew in the Midwest will consist of the following.
Kent State – Insert 70’s protest joke here.
Siena - I got nothun for you on this. Never heard of 'em
UNLV – Danny Ganz told they ain't got it.
GTown – I know! I'm crazy like this.

The regional final:
It’s Tourney underdog and holder of the dream Davidson, who offs Georgetown in the 16, facing Kansas coming off a win over Nova. I’ve got Kansas advancing to the Final Four in a thriller over the Mighty Mite Davidson. And by thriller I mean something really close at the end with Davidson having a chance to win at the buzzer. Say 59 -57. ish.

Take it to the bank. However if I’m wrong, don’t forget that I have the keys to d&d and can come in here and edit this like crazy. Don’t think I won’t do it.

Tomorrow, Poon.

PK Out

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Da Souf Reegun

Ed: Our face full of NCDoubleA Hoops Pickery continues. Up next, Hairy Carrey. (Short on social graces but LONG on dong.) HC, the dais is yours. Your South Region picks please.


Let’s forget calling this the “South” region, and just see it for what it is. This is the “White Trash” regional—hands down. Just look at the shit-hole towns these poor bastards have to play in. Little Rock—nuff said. Denver—home of snow, more snow, and John Elway and his “eat corn on a cob through a chain link fence” teeth. Anaheim—home of the “Mighty Ducks”—by far, the lamest team name in all of sports (next to Wolverines). Worst yet, if you win two games in those corn-hole towns, you get to go to Houston. Beaner City. Might as well make the poor bastards swim across a river to qualify. No worries. Survive Houston, and it is on to the Alamo. How about playing the Final Four in America, for Christ’s sake?

That being said, the games will go down like this:

Memphis dispatches UT-Arlington and Mississippi State before being knocked out by rising Pittsburgh. After thrashing Cornell, Marquette, and Texas, Stanford meets Pittsburgh for the trip to San Antonio. Brains beat brawn in this one as Stanford and its twin towers head to the Alamo. Ironic, huh? The 7 foot Lopez brothers lead Stanford to the Alamo.

Hairy Carrey Out

Monday, March 17, 2008

Big Dancing

Ling from HR can't stand the hostile work environment



I know everyone remembers how much ass I kicked last year in the NCAA Pickery. My excellence was confirmed as I was summarily ousted as the anchorman for this year’s 65 team orgy. I guess it’s only fitting that in this day and age of every kid getting a gold star to protect fragile egos. You wouldn’t believe the tension at the Global d&d Headquarters over this decision. Hairy Carrey and Poon pulled the plug on the office interwebportal-htmls until they got to pick their favorite regions, Savant sat Indian style (his politically incorrect term – we prefer “Feather-not-Dot-style”) in the break room and held his breath until he was assured that he’d get his way and if Pork Chop didn’t get to fire the final shots this year he threatened to run nothing but his colonoscopy post over and over until 2010. Fine. Pussies.

So this is how this year’s NAACP NCAA Pickery will go. Each contributor will pick his region as stated below and PChop will follow with the pickage from the 8 forward as he sees fit. The rules are there are no rules or crying.

UNC Region – Savant
UCLA Region – Poon
Kansas Region – PK
Memphis Region – Hairy Carrey

And again, PorkChopU gets the clean up. Just like when he worked in the “Theater” at “that” truck stop on Route 23.

First up. Savant. The floor is yours.

PK Out.



Smooth Sailing for the Tar Heels?




Once again, North Carolina is wearing a target as a #1 seed (no team has been a top seed more often), but don't feel too bad for the Tar Heels. Of all the #1 seeded teams, they appear to have the clearest path to the Final Four in San Antonio.

Although there appears to be a lot of mismatches in the East, a closer look reveals several tempting upset picks as the #4, #5, and #6 teams all face difficult testers in the First Round. Let's start with Washington State vs. Winthrop, which seems like a lay-up for the Cougars - until you consider Winthrop has been an almost yearly fixture in the tournament in recent years (this is Winthrop's 4th consecutive bid…not too shabby). In addition, the game will played in Denver - which is pretty close to a neutral court - which means Winthrop will have the crowd behind it. As such, I'm taking the Eagles.

Notre Dame is the 5th seed in the East Region and will play the Patriots of George Mason (you know - the green and gold team that beat UConn to advance to the Final Four in 2006). The savvy NCAA fan will, of course, know a #12 ALWAYS beats a #5 (last year was the only exception to this rule). This match-up, however, will not end in an upset victory, but the #6 vs. #11 game will provide another bracket buster as Saint Joseph's will prevail over the Oklahoma Sooners. I believe the Hawks will borrow some magic from another East region team, Boise State, and run the Statue of Liberty play on the Sooners!

Other First Round winners in the East Region include: North Carolina, Indiana, Louisville, Butler, and Tennessee and I think the four Sweet Sixteen teams will be: North Carolina, Notre Dame, Louisville, and Tennessee (although I am nervous about picking the Vols over Butler). From there, I think the Tar Heels will easily handle-up on the Irish playing in front of a partisan crowd in Charlotte…and I think Louisville vs. Tennessee will be an absolutely fantastic game in the other Regional Semifinal - with Tennessee squeaking by...

That gives us a Regional Final of Tennessee vs. North Carolina and, although I picked the Vols to win the whole thing several weeks ago, I'm going with the Tar Heels. If Tennessee had been in any other region, I would have picked the Vols to advance to the Final Four, but the Selection Committee didn't do them any favors by seeding them behind UNC in the Charlotte bracket.

So…I say UNC is the Beast from the East.



Savant Out

Friday, March 14, 2008

Weekends are Fun

In keeping with the time honored tradition of “The Insert the Blog Name Here Photo contest we’re having our own. Actually, this was started back when Savant and Pork Chop worked together at the Ann Arbor Daily Shopper Picayune Gazette. That feature didn’t last long as they only had one camera and the back was stuck so they couldn’t get the film out.

Anyway, here’s the deal. Pretty simple. We put up a photo and over the weekend you get to create a funny little caption. Actually just put anything down. Seriously. We all know that Poon is the keeper of the Funny and we are merely ass-sniffers compared to him but everyone plays here.

Go.




We'll get you started.

"Are we too late for dime dog night?"

or

"Strike"

Ok, your turn.

Up next from d&d...."You write it!"

PK out



Wednesday, March 12, 2008

PAYING FOR IT


OK - we've all been there…you reach a point where you're either in the midst of a desperate dry-spell -or- you're sick of banging the one you're with -or- you need some anal action or role-playing involving a Jim Tressel mask and a pair of oven mitts…whatever...you think maybe hiring a hooker would be a good idea. down and distant understands your plight. We have all been there before (and by "we" I mean "Pork Chop U" - the rest of just whack-off), but, seriously, what in the hell was New York Governor Eliot Spitzer thinking!! If - and I mean IF - we were going to spend cash on some tail, I'm not sure anyone at d&d would agree to upwards of $1,000 an hour. It has been reported that Spitzer spent upwards of $80,000 on hookers during the last several years. $80 LARGE are you kidding me??

(editorial interruption)

PK: Savant, you need to see this before you make plans for this weekend!

Savant: Dude, I am busy composing a new post. What's so damn important that I have to see before….HOLY SHIT!

(back to the post)

So as I was saying, women with style and grace need to be treated as such and I have heard good things about The Emperor's Club. Take Maya, for example. Clearly the time of someone with an electrifying presence can't be had for a mere high three figures! I think Spitzer was on to something after all...

I wonder what airfare to L.A. is going for today? Mental note: better rub-out that easy one first.


War hot hookers!

Savant Out.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

SNOT



Another typical Ohio winter—60 degrees one day, 20 degrees with snow the next. I’m telling you, it just ain’t good for your health. So there I was, head filled with more fluids than Linda Lovelace after a hard day on the set. Couldn’t breathe, head achin’. So I call dear old Mum—who else do you call when you’re under the weather. “Zicam”, she says. “Works like a charm and worth every penny.” Well, I tried the stuff, and—well—I’ll just let my letter to the the manufacturer speak for itself:


Dear Zicam LLC;

I have been congested and feeling like hell for three days. I am on an antibiotic and a steroid spray to treat a sinus infection--no relief. My mom called from Florida to recommend your product. As Mom always knows best, I dragged my sick, tired, and stuffed up head, along with the rest of my sorry carcass, to the local CVS to purchase your product. Found it straight off--so far so good.

Opened box--check. Read directions thoroughly--check. Pulled red tab to remove seal from completely wrapped bottle--danger, Will Robinson. Red stripe breaks after unwrapping half of bottle. Worked for another 5 minutes to get frickin' bottle unwrapped--this is wrong--just wrong. Can't breathe, can't get stupid wrapping off bottle. I am a reasonably active, coordinated 44 year old. When I turn 80 I might as well just stumble out into the cold and wait for the dark angel cuz there's no opening that bottle when I am a geezer.

Success at last--aided by a fork, the bottle is open. Following the directions, I "prime pump by depressing several times". The third and fourth pumps emit a stream of gel that hits my kitchen ceiling. While the sound that it made while hitting said ceiling was somewhat pleasant, the task of climbing onto a chair in my head-ready-to-implode state was understandably dangerous, but what is a guy to do?

Finally pumped your product into my nostrils (with, I must add, some trepidation, given the force with which your product hit the aforementioned ceiling). Perhaps what occurred next should have been expected. Perhaps, after enduring several days of stuffed, sore, raw mucous membranes, I should not have gotten the "cooling menthol" intense sinus relief, and gone with the "soothing aloe" instead. But I come from the school of thought that eschews a "mild laxative"--hell, when I'm constipated, I want RELIEF! So, following that theorem, I went with the menthol. Wow.

Even now, 20 minutes later, neighborhood dog owners are still consoling their crazed canines, whose sensitive ears are still ringing with the high pitched screaming that emanated from my residence. The good news--some combination of chair climbing and screaming (and perhaps your medication) has cleared my sinuses for the first time in three days.

So allow me to thank you for your fine product. I am not certain if this is how it is intended to work, but I will be sure to recommend it to all of my sinus challenged friends.

Sincerely,

Hairy Carray
Columbus, Ohio


You know what? Those tools sent me a fuckin’ coupon. I inhaled the napalm those bastards pass off as a natural remedy, and they send me a lousy fucking coupon. Take my word for it. Instead of buying this shit, dip a rag in kerosene, stuff it in your nose, and light it. Word.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Predictions for 2008

In NO danger of drowning

OK - so Poon finally posted something breaking our "silent period." Although we had plenty of our usual below-average and sophomoric material, we thought a brief reprieve from our witty banter would make you (the reader) appreciate our stuff more. OK - just plain appreciate our stuff. Anyway, now that it's back on (like Donkey Kong), Savant dons his scarlet and gray turban and reveals a peek into the next 10 or so months.


SPORTS
Bad news for Buckeye haters! Savant sees his Buckeyes making yet another trip to the BCS Championship Game - only this time, they actually beat an SEC team. It's going to suck to be a Georgia Bulldog in January 2009 as Ohio State will defeat the Dawgs 30-20 in the FedEx BCS Championship. The Vest will secure his 6th - and Ohio State's 8th - National Championship. To prepare for the trip to South Beach, Savant has already started manscaping, waxing, and bleaching as he wants a clean workspace for the Buckeyes tattoo. In addition, Tim Tebow will win a 2nd Heisman so he'll have one for each of his hot girlfriend's terrific breasts.

College Basketball will crown a brand new 1st Time Champ…the Tennessee Volunteers. Rocky Top will be sung in San Antonio (site of UT's loss to the Buckeyes in 2007, by the way) at the Bruce Pearl Jam - aka 2008 Final Four.


Savant sees the loaded Detroit Tigers making a strong push for the World Series Title, but not enough to overcome the New York Mets. Despite a monumental collapse down the stretch last year, the addition of Santana (from the Twins) makes the Mets a strong contender for best team in New York and he likes them over the Tigers 4-3 in The Series.


NFL…whatever, Savant thinks the Patriots will be back just to piss-off everyone (including himself). Pats over Cowboys in the Super Bowl.

CELEBRITY LIFE
Britney Spears, in a desperate attempt to stay in the spotlight, poses naked (unfortunately) for Plumpers magazine.


Led Zeppelin reunites for a sweet-ass North American Tour. d&d staff sell the website to pay for a couple ducets leaving readers to recall - with great fondness - the good old days of posts from PK and Poon and that idiot guy Savant.

After a couple of d&d brand roofies, Posh Spice sleeps with most of the staff while attending the website's VIP Party (husband David has his way with Hairy Carray, when, in haste, Hairy takes the roofies himself). Good times.

Mrs. PK becomes marketing director for Babe's Cabaret in New Orleans after coining the slogan "come on in...and ruin your political career…don't cost nothin'!"

ASS-TROLOGY
If you're a/an (insert sign here), then you'll be - pick one: getting laid/masturbating - more in 2008…and don't be afraid of trying a little ass play this year. Porkchop U swears by it.

Savant sends his best wishes for a happy non-shitty and healthy disease-fee 2008.

War Auld Lang Syne (albeit 7 weeks late).

Savant Out, Bitches.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Stroll Down Memory Lane...

See, I told you that when football was over we wouldn't post on here anymore. Amazing Super Bowl happened......no post. Pro Bowl game......no post. In the words of Broadway Joe, we are struggggllling here. In between waiting for Nascar to start and popping Advil, I stumbled across my old blog and decided to read a few lines. In doing so, I found my list of things I planned to do in 2007. Let's take a look at how I did.

Here are a couple of things I plan to do in 2007......

1. Start a cult
-Hey I look good in purple and I like Kool-Aid, what can go wrong?
Technically never started, but it's a good idea still. I actually came close enough to killing myself in 2007 that I will just consider this one accomplished and bypass the formalities.

2. Finish the movie
-You might have to go back a year in posts to understand this if you don't know what I'm talking about, but I've been working on the son-of-a-bitch for 2 years and still don't have a title.
I'm pretty sure that everyone is confused with this one. I was working on a movie for the past few years and really never dedicated myself to it enough to get past the first 15 pages. I will just keep carrying this on year to year until I finally realize that I am nowhere near creative enough to actually write a movie.

3. The new blog
-Much more details to come with this. It's going to be quite amazing.
"Quite amazing?" How high was I? We did start the blog in 07 and I completely disregarded my old one. Here is my gift for you in 08....we will make the blog even more quite-ish amazingly decent.

4. Stop watching so much DIY, HGTV and FOOD network
-I LOVE Rachael Ray, and I can't get enought Kitchen Renovation. Don't even get me started on Flip This House. I feel like I get gayer by the minute watching those channels and sitting around eating my artichoke dip that Rachael taught me how to make in 30 minutes or less.
Easy.....I still love all of those things. I watched a Bathroom Renovations marathon this morning. If anything this has gotten worse since the discovery of Hot on Homes. That reminds me I Tivo'd it this morning and need to wrap this up so I can get caught up on the deals at Craig Ranch.

5. Stop eating artichoke dip
-Thanks KSK
Who the hell am I kidding? I f-ing love me some artichoke dip. I guess that makes me a F-ing Asshole. Suck it KSK!

6. Buy a CD
-This one might be tough to accomplish now that we can get them for free on the internet.....What? That's illegal? Disregard that last sentence.
Actually did buy a CD. The soundtrack to Chitty Chitty Gang Bang counts, right?

7. Find career stats for Dominck Williams
-Don't know why I can't find this bastard.
Will continue to search.....will keep you posted.

8. Call bullshit more on a daily basis
-Like the Dodge commercial with the Rock-em Sock-em Robots, his head wouldn't blow off unless he actually got hit or he malfunctions. Take that big blue motherfucker back to Toys R Us where he came from. Bullshit.
Dear lord how much I have done this in the past year. Even Friday night in that Taiwan joint (you know the one...off of 35 with the really cute girl working at the front desk but then when you go to the back they aren't all that cute but, hey you're there. What are you gonna do? Leave? You couldn't do that and besides it's been a while and you just need to do the deed and be done with it. I mean a hand is a hand right? So there is a little extra hair on her upper lip, but really there's a little extra hair on my junk so you wouldn't really notice.) when the girl said that I could do whatever I wanted because she is clean.....bullshit. However, I couldn't pass it up. VD's aren't really that fun.

9. Find a dusty TV and draw a penis on it
-Nothing is funnier than seeing a dusty penis just as your favorite show goes to commercial.
Done. I actually did this on my own TV. Yeah, I'm serious.

Ok, I'm done. Let's see how many of those I can check off my list by the end of the year. I say I will do 8 out of 9. We will see.


So how many did I actually accomplish in 07? Well I said that I would knock out 8 of 9 and I actually did 5. Maybe I will make another list for 08 so that I can reflect next year on how much I pissed away the year without accomplishing anything. Blow me.


Poon

Thursday, January 24, 2008

How To Do New Orleans - d&d Style




Let me just start off by saying if you're going to lose a bowl game - even a national championship - New Orleans is the place in which to do it! Most of our staff went on a recent road trip bender to "The Crescent City" and we'd like to offer some advice on how to get your New Orleans "on."

WHEN TO PUKE? Although there are varying opinions on this, Savant feels very strongly that vomiting on the FIRST night is a great start. After all, you're going to be drinking (heavily, I might add) for several days so why not get it out of the way right off the bat? If you're really hammered to the extent that you'll be done for the night post-puke, then there are several added benefits - such as saving lots of cash for an eye-opener the following morning and, by passing-out, providing your friends with a great photo-op.

WHEN TO HAVE SEX? The obvious answer is early and often. That aside, we recommend having sex in a shared hotel room while other (i.e. less-randy) d&d staffers sleep. Don't worry if they have one eye open, that's just how they roll. Bonus points for having sex (any kind really - hetero is fine, but whatever) with a d&d staffer…I mean not "with", but rather alongside. Otherwise our HR department would have a fit. Anyway, sex…YES.

SHOULD I BUY A T-SHIRT? Opinions vary, but we'll go with yes. This should be an easy task as tees will be readily available. Favorites include: "I got Bourbon-Faced on Shit Street" and the ever-popular "Things to Do with a P*ssy (shave, party, pet, lick etc.)."

WHAT SHOULD I EAT? Well, aside from puss├žois (see above), you'll be treated to a wide-variety of great food. Mostly fried seafood with some type of sauce or jambalaya. Good stuff. Typically, food makes d&d staffers sick, but on this trip, I'm willing to bet it was that asshole Pat O’Brien and his devil’s urine Hurricanes.

BALCONY OR NO BALCONY? Tough call, really. You know the balconies in question, from which thousands of pounds of beads are hurled annually? Boobies shown to and from these beauties. So why is it a tough call? These perches are either more crowded that Hairy Carreys front porch on “free-hand job Wednesdays” or they are tres expensive to rent for your private shindig. UNLESS your wife is like the lovely and talented Mrs. PK and can string together greatness. In as long as it takes Indy Buckeye to login to asiachickswithdicks.com when his wife goes to bed, with kind words and a winning smile, Mrs. PK secured our entire traveling party to our own private balcony complete with bartender and a GLORIOUSLY clean bathroom for two nights. In this case, YES to balconies.

SHOULD I GAMBLE? Uhhhhh? Is there a real casino right across from your hotel? Then YES! Turd-Burglar.


Savant with the Punt and Pass.
PK a kick

Both OUT.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Please Don't Let Football Season End.....We'll Never Post

It's been a while my humble followers. Since my last post we have been through a roller coaster of events. The Redskins made it into the playoffs and promptly lost. My beloved Buckeyes continued their community service by losing again to the SEC. Along with the D&D crew and friends, the city of New Orleans went through a party that it might never recover from. Ok, I can give a little credit to Katrina, but I like to take the credit when I can. Just last night the Cowboys went through yet another one and done in the playoffs. I have since dubbed the pro bowl quarterback of the Cowboys Tony Rom-0 for 2. If I used all of my evil for good, I might not be the heartless shit that I am today.
I went out with PK and crew to catch a couple of drinks and get rid of the shakes from the night before. In doing so, I managed to get fairly drunk. *GASP* I know it's hard to believe but it's true. I left about 1030 with all intentions of going home and going straight to bed. Well, those closest to me know that I have a little game that I like to play the morning after I go drinking. If all works well, this will be the beginning of a series that I am going to start on here called.....

WHAT WAS POON LISTENING TO AND HOW LOUD WAS HE LISTENING TO IT!!!!
I woke up this morning with a table full of empty Taco Bueno boxes with a receipt for a nacho salad, soft taco and a crunchy potato burrito. When I strolled out to the car I turned on the ignition this is what I got.

Artist: Rihanna
Title: Umbrella
Volume: 22
Phone Log:
A. M. (initials to cover for them) 10:39 p.m. duration:1:03 (I suspect a voicemail)

Text Messages:
yes.......that's all I will say is yes. 7 of them between 10:31 and 10:58

Final Words:
Fairly tame night apparently. Only one call and no great texts to report. I do wonder why Rihanna was playing. It's on a cd, too.

I really can't wait to report after a good 3 a.m. night when I have Freebird playing at 40 with a used rubber in the floorboard and me asleep in the backseat. Don't look at me like that. I'm not the only one.......am I? Suck it.

Poon