SUMMER FUN (Summer NOT)

As the summer season approaches, we at down and distant would like you to consider that people are just too damn uptight these days. For example, fellow staffers Pork Chop U and Hairy Carray are too busy grooming their genitals manginas to drop a post on the unsuspecting public once-in-a-while. WTF? I guess Carray isn't so Hairy after all…but I digress…

We think everyone should be having more fun these days…even Mormons and the Amish so, without further adieu - and in keeping with our recent tradition of lists - down and distant is proud only marginally embarrassed to offer our suggestions for summertime fun:

1. Peeing in the pool is sooo 2005 (OK - peeing in Mr. & Mrs. PK's pool was actually in-style in September of 2006), but when is the last time you took a crap in someone's in-ground water sanctuary? You'll have to be sneaky because people watching you squeeze cheese is a pretty humbling experience - unless your name is Sideshow Bob Kilimko…but I digress…again...try dropping some of your kids off at the pool in the middle of the night and watch everyone's reactions the next morning. Don Henley was right - crap is kink - and no, that isn't a Baby Ruth, Mrs. Smales!

2. Receiving fellatio at a baseball game. Yes - I said RECEIVING. Sorry, Gary (you know who you are). A MLB contest is good, Minor League is better, a High School game is better still, but if you can get a BJ at a YMCA T-ball game, you have arrived (literally and figuratively).

In order that our female readers don't feel left out or second best, our third suggestion is just for you, ladies!!

3. Give your man a BJ at a baseball game! That's what I'm talkin' about…SERIOUS SUMMER FUN.

4. Less blog reading, more pool crapping.

5. Find some sun-bathers (preferably sun-bathers who don't know you, but whatever…) in a park or other grassy area and offer to help them apply some suntan lotion. Upon their almost certain acceptance of your terms***, simply substitute honey and then move away quickly to a semi-secluded area to watch the ants break themselves off a little something.
***N.B. The "willing suspension of disbelief" is a critical element to enjoyment of the theater or, in our case, this edition of down and distant

6. OK - here's what you do - rent a clown suit and then...

EDITOR"S NOTE: Our attorneys have advised us to discontinue this blog entry. Check back soon for a more family-friendly post from down and distant. Have a blessed day!

View This!

Rosie seen here with Elizabeth

As you know I’ve got connections out the ass. I can call just about everyone. Tom Cruise, Eli, Barbaro. I thought I’d reach out to Rosie O’Donnell to see how she’s making out after the flap with Elizabeth Hasselback. In case you didn’t know, the two had quite the verbal tussle on the show this week, after Elizabeth took umbrage at RO’s insinuating that US soldiers are the “real terrorists.” Here’s the transcript of the call.

PK: Hi Rosie, care to comment on your little dust-up with Elizabeth Hasselback?

RO: Oink…er….I’m no, not really, that skinny little bitch is the real terrorist.

PK: Um, I kinda thought she was just a cutesy girl that got some pub from being on Survivor. No?

RO: Survivor! Pffft. Mark Burnett. Terrorist. Don’t even get me started on Probst.

PK: Right. What’s this doing to your relationship with Baba Wawa?

RO: The First Lady Of Journalism? You know what she is…

PK: The real terrorist.

RO: Bingo, sweetiepie. Old-wrinkled-up-marbles-in-the-mouth T-to the errorist!

PK: Totally sensing a trend here. Trump really seems to have a new shtick now. You know just sitting back there firing shots across everyone’s bow. He even called Elizabeth cute but really stupid.

RO: Terr. Or. Ist! As a matter of fact. You’ve got terrorist written all over your face. Me thinks you are, uh, let me see…..yep that’s it…Terrorist.

PK: Alrighty, Rosie. We’ll call it day.

RO: Can’t take it, huh? Terry the Terrorist? Where you going sissy? If you can’t take the car bomb get out of the car. Give me a T, Give me an E, Give me a Double R…. Click

PK peacefully out.

You Poor Rich Bastards

As most of you have realized, I was pretty hammered when the last post was created. In my mind I knew what I was talking about and I think I had the right idea, just didn't get to the point correctly. At least I came home and blogged instead of eating $10 worth of fast food and miserably fail at a drunk candlelit masturbation session.........well at least I blogged afterwards.

Since we here at global headquarters are up on the newest happenings, I hear they had some sort of lottery in the NBA this week. Now we wait to see which shitty team has the honor of over-paying some 18 year old kid in the hopes that he can be worth a crap to them in a few years. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Michael Olowokandi and Sam Bowie (2 biggest draft day busts), but really it's the biggest crapshoot there is. I know that we have some good talent coming out this year in the form of Durant and Oden, but when it comes down to it they could be schooled by some 3rd round kid that actually stayed 4 years in college and fine tuned his game.

I'm looking forward to the draft and will be on here giving an update if my liver is cooperating with me. Hope all have a great Memorial Day weekend and make sure to pay Jesus a visit tomorrow so that he will watch over you on Monday. If for some reason you are like me and don't do the church thing, here is my favorite rendition of "O-Mazing Grace."




Amen.

Poon

Dallas is the Worst Team in the NBA......Seriously

Well the first round of the Western Conference Finals is tonight and just like I predicted, Golden State won only one more game. How is that possible after beating the best team in the NBA......or were they? I hate to admit it, but it's true. I was doing some research and I stumbled across a little information that I am going to put to use in the NBA. IF A=B & B=C, then A=C. Sounds fair enough. Don't contradict the laws of math. Let me explain.
-First, I will not count teams twice. This is because alot of teams could beat Denver and it wouldn't be fair.
-Second, a team must beat a team better than themselves.
-Third, I want comments but I actually don't care what you have to say. I am right.

	Beat Dallas	Other
Phoenix	3/14, 4/1
San Antonio	2-Nov
Detroit	7-Dec
Houston	4-Nov
Utah	12/11, 4/13
Cleveland		beat POR on 11/15 - POR over UTA
Chicago	25-Jan
Toronto		beat PHI on 11/8 - PHI over PHO
Denver	6-Apr
Miami		beat NJ on 11/3 - NJ over MIL - MIL over DET
Golden State	11/6, 3/12, 4/17
L.A. Lakers	7-Jan
New Jersey		beat MIL on 11/15 - MIL over DET
Washington	4-Dec
L.A. Clippers	8-Nov
Orlando		beat SEA on 11/8 - SEA over LAL
New Orleans		beat BOS on 11/1 - BOS over Hou
Indiana		beat NY on 11/4 - NY over GS
Philadelphia		beat PHO on 2/28
Charlotte		beat WAS on 4/3
New York		beat GS on 3/2
Minnesota		beat SA on 1/3
Sacremento		beat CHI on 11/3
Portland		beat UTA on 2/20
Seattle		beat LAL on 11/5
Atlanta		beat LAC on 1/6
Milwaukee		beat DET on 11/1
Boston		beat HOU on 2/26
Memphis		beat DEN on 11/28

You see? I am a genius and by my calculations Dallas should have been 2-80 this year; by far the worst record in NBA history. Why the 2 wins you ask? Well there is the possibility of them pulling out a last second win in either Boston or Memphis here and there so I gave them a couple of wins just to be fair.

Dirk POONwitski

Urnining for the Playoffs

While we at down and distant have certainly been known to take a morally casual attitude toward loss of bladder control, it excites us to learn that one fan is taking this tried and true faux paus to a whole new level. "Bernie," a life-long fan of the Milwaukee*** Brewers, has promised to pee his pants if the Brewers make the playoffs - which, in and of itself, is a pretty cool move because, as we all know, "you ain't cool unless you pee your pants." Furthermore, he is inviting - via his website - other Brewer fans (or just plain old band-wagon pant wetters) to do the same. More pee-pee stuff here.

Down and distant is not only proud to endorse this righteous campaign, we have a few suggestions for fans of other teams and campaigns they might consider. With that in-mind, here's our list (yes - we like to include lists, periodically): Feel free to let fly with your own in the comment section.

Wichita State Shockers - "Give the shocker for WSU!"

Green Bay Packers - (this space intentionally left blank)

Findlay College Oilers - "Get oiled-up for the Big F!"

Oregon State Beavers - "Stuff those Beavers with Wieners!" Campaign sponsored by Weiner King, Mansfield, Ohio.

South Carolina Gamecocks - (this space intentionally left blank)

Columbus Clippers - "Groom your pubes for The Clippers!"

Washburn College Ichabods - "Do an icky bod for the Ichabods!"

No matter which team you follow, we invite you to put yourself out there and get in the spirit. We're not talking candle wax on the nipples or witchcraft or anything like that, but how 'bout a little commitment as you root, root, root for the home team?

**According to Alice Cooper, a regular visitor, Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. French missionaries and explorers began visiting in the late 16th century. You might ask yourself, "isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?" In fact, it was originally an Algonquin term meaning "the good land." Alice also likes to point-out Milwaukee is the only American city to have elected elect three Socialist mayors (as of 1991).

Does this guy know how to party or what?

Traveling Woes

Well my fine followers, I am back in the saddle. Just to keep you updated, right now I am typing this at McCarren Airport in beautiful Lost Wages, NV. I will probably not post this until I get back in town and talk myself out of suicide, but I did want to get on here while I am waiting the last 2 hours on my flight. In all honesty, it was a good trip. Like usual the craps tables were doing good for me and the strippers somehow realized that. On Tuesday (from what I'm told because I was pretty much a walking blackout when this was going on) I was at the tables in Excalibur from about 7pm until about 1am and came out about $300 ahead. In that time my fellow travelers went drinking, played UNO in our room, played blackjack and then finally called me to see where I was.
After a bottle of vodka earlier and about 18 Heinkenen later, I finally left the table to go with them and enjoy a nice pleasant night at the Speariment Rhino. Boy was it fun! By fun I mean that I don't remember being there except for the fact that I ran out of the money I had on me and went to the ATM twice for an amout of money that I would rather not disclose. What happened you ask? Well that part is kind of sketchy also. I remember being in a dark room with a French whore where I bought 2 bottles of VOSS water ($12 a bottle) and for some reason for the last 2 days I noticed that the area just above my junk is bruised. Don't ask me how or why because I don't remember. No sex took place I know that much because I have the same 4 STD's that I left Dallas with.
The people that I see in person will get alot more info about the goings on there. I will just give you a few bullet points.
-4 days of non-stop diahrrea
-3 hour trip to find some place that served lunch before noon
-Whore's photos covering the walls and pictures in the room
-1 room + 4 males = ?????
-Was it lemonade or pee?
-Found Barbaro's new job
So take it from me. Party long and often in Vegas, but just say NO to French whores.....well at least say maybe.

Poon

Sports!

Definitely not Bruce Crandall Steel Balls Worthy

Coming off his stellar 8 point effort against Golden State in the Mavericks swan song, Arian poster-boy Dirk Nowitzki is going to get exactly what he deserves. An MVP. Today Dour-Kraut NOwitzki earned a spot on the All-NBA team. This embarrassment of riches will continue soon when they open the envelope to reveal Dirk as the MVP. Oh to see the look on Cuban’s face (and Don Nelson’s for that matter) when he’s looking for the quickest way to crawl under the carpet in his billion dollar rumpus room. Think that Commish Stern is trying to find a way unstuff the ballot box and restuff it with Steve Nash votes? Me too. Steve Nash or Nash Bridges whoever. Not Dirk.

Very sportsy post, huh? Not to worry we’ll get back to sporadically posted locker room talk, potty humor and dick jokes in no time.

Poon wealthy and rested

Poon is back in the middle of the night tonight from Vegas where he blacked out in a strip club but his credit card didn’t. Look for future hilarity.

I Lied to Jesus...

Many of my humble followers remember my yearly prayer to Jesus just before the Super Bowl. Well, as I sit here waiting for tomorrow when I leave for Vegas for a full week, I had to pray again. I'm not proud of it, but it's one of those things that I had to do to make sure I had all of my bases covered. (I also burnt incense, rubbed a fat person's belly which I got punched for, smoked dope, bought a purple sheet, new jump suit and white Nike's, drinking some Kool-Aid later, married 4 women and I'm also getting drunk as we speak. You know for the Catholics.) Here's the transcript.

Well, I'm back again. I know I said that I wouldn't talk to you until next year but I can't help it. I guess that you know that I'm going to Vegas tomorrow. If you don't then you are slacking now days. By the way, if you know how many hairs I have on my head, then do you also know that it's falling out on a daily basis? Seriously, it's not funny.
Sorry I got sidetracked. I leave tomorrow and I'm kind of scared. Well, yeah of flying, but.....yeah of getting hold of some bad coke but.......yeah I know about the STD's too and that thing last time with the hooker, the dog, the one eyed hamster and the fact that Peter Gammons is hung like a donkey. That's not what I'm worried about. Well, that is kind of what I'm worried about.
Now that d&d is as big as we are, what if I get out of control? I mean I'm going to be there for a week for your dad's sake. Let's say that I get too many drinks in me and get a little trigger happy at the craps table. Let's also say that I get on a run of bad luck there and can't get out of the hole. Let's also say that I have a blank company check in my pocket and have already thought through this whole scenario. Well, I have and I think that you owe me.
I'm not asking to win the lottery or anything like that, just maybe keep me even. That's all I'm asking. Now if you find it within whatever powers you are said to have to slip me a few hundred or a few grand here and there, well then we will revisit the whole church thing again. And yes I did get your email about what time services start and I would just like to say thanks a bunch smart ass.
Ok, well I think that we are on the same wavelength now and I appreciate in advance all that you are going to do for me. Well I have to get off of here so I can keep drinking. You know for the Catholics. Just in case.

Poon 3:16

Taint-ed

I am in no mood today to do any work. After the collapse of the Mavericks last night and the never ending Jager Bombs, I feel like microwaved dog shit. Not the good kind that you get from Kroger, the bad stuff that comes from the clearance aisle at Costco. The one thing that I will say now is that Golden Shower State will not win more than one more game. That is going to piss me off even worse. Why is there a Taco Bell bag in the middle of my living room? Oh well. To help everyone get over last night, here's Robocop.



Poon

All the right moves

This

Plus this
Equals this

Last week the Cruise family got a much needed shot in the arm. In a highly appreciated show of support, talented and extremely important actress and fellow Scientologist Jenna Elfman said that Tom, Katie and Suri are happy and healthy and that their family life is none of our beeswax.

I was sure that Tom needed that shot in the arm. His public image has taken a real beating over the last few years. Crazy rants, furniture jumping, kidnapping a young hot actress and turning her brain in to Cream of Wheat. Etc.

I used my powerful connections and called Tom Cruise, just to hear first hand how he and the fam are doing.

PK: Tommy! It’s PK, How you doing beeeeeyotch.

Tom: Beeeeeeep…Whirrrr….ZZZZZZZZZ…click….click.

PK: Uh, Hello? Tom.

Tom: Feeewwssllllllasssdkfiioooonnn…Buzzzzzzzzzz.

PK: Hello?

Tom: Press F2 for boot log …..Brooke Shields is a whore.

PK: Seriously Tom, You OK?

Tom: Purple Nikes…..Comets…..Spaceships……Kelly Preston has great boobies….

PK: Ok, you are creeping me out more than usual. I’m gonna cut you loose, K?

Tom: Beep.

We’ll that didn’t go very well. We can try again later.

Blogging staple: A list of things

In the interest of making our blog more closely resemble men's soft-soft-core porn magazines, we at down and distant (yes, morons, that is the correct capitalization) present our version of overrated/underrated.

down and distant -- Very Clearly UNDERRATED

Soft-Soft Core Porn -- OVERRATED

The NBA -- OVERRATED

Losing NCAA Title Games to Florida -- OVERRATED

A Good Handjob -- UNDERRATED

A Bad Blowjob -- **trick question - there is no such thing as a bad blowjob

YouTube.com -- Rated correctly

LNSEMSF website (look it up assholes) -- UNDERRATED

"The Man With Two Brains" -- UNDERRATED

"Deep Throat" -- OVERRATED

Poon -- UNDERRATED

Buckeye Savant You're kidding, right? -- OVERRATED

Booger Eating -- Most of the time OVERRATED…sometimes, however, when, as Mr. Hand suggested, you "get a good one…" oh - never mind)

Salad Tossing -- Wait a minute - cancel Christmas!!! You talking with syrup or jelly?

Fergie -- OVERRATED

Brittney's Underwear -- UNDERRATED - in fact, we'd like to see more of it!

Editors Note: since the mildly retarded, but bundle of fun Savant got us started go ahead and add to this list in the comments.