Thursday, May 31, 2007

SUMMER FUN (Summer NOT)

As the summer season approaches, we at down and distant would like you to consider that people are just too damn uptight these days. For example, fellow staffers Pork Chop U and Hairy Carray are too busy grooming their genitals manginas to drop a post on the unsuspecting public once-in-a-while. WTF? I guess Carray isn't so Hairy after all…but I digress…

We think everyone should be having more fun these days…even Mormons and the Amish so, without further adieu - and in keeping with our recent tradition of lists - down and distant is proud only marginally embarrassed to offer our suggestions for summertime fun:

1. Peeing in the pool is sooo 2005 (OK - peeing in Mr. & Mrs. PK's pool was actually in-style in September of 2006), but when is the last time you took a crap in someone's in-ground water sanctuary? You'll have to be sneaky because people watching you squeeze cheese is a pretty humbling experience - unless your name is Sideshow Bob Kilimko…but I digress…again...try dropping some of your kids off at the pool in the middle of the night and watch everyone's reactions the next morning. Don Henley was right - crap is kink - and no, that isn't a Baby Ruth, Mrs. Smales!

2. Receiving fellatio at a baseball game. Yes - I said RECEIVING. Sorry, Gary (you know who you are). A MLB contest is good, Minor League is better, a High School game is better still, but if you can get a BJ at a YMCA T-ball game, you have arrived (literally and figuratively).

In order that our female readers don't feel left out or second best, our third suggestion is just for you, ladies!!

3. Give your man a BJ at a baseball game! That's what I'm talkin' about…SERIOUS SUMMER FUN.

4. Less blog reading, more pool crapping.

5. Find some sun-bathers (preferably sun-bathers who don't know you, but whatever…) in a park or other grassy area and offer to help them apply some suntan lotion. Upon their almost certain acceptance of your terms***, simply substitute honey and then move away quickly to a semi-secluded area to watch the ants break themselves off a little something.
***N.B. The "willing suspension of disbelief" is a critical element to enjoyment of the theater or, in our case, this edition of down and distant


6. OK - here's what you do - rent a clown suit and then...

EDITOR"S NOTE: Our attorneys have advised us to discontinue this blog entry. Check back soon for a more family-friendly post from down and distant. Have a blessed day!

2 comments:

The Penalty Kill said...

Holy Moly, nice use of "nota bene." You talk prettier than $2 whore

George Will said...

NUMBER 3!!!! NUMBER 3!!!! Yea NUMBER 3!!!!