Thursday, March 15, 2007

A Giant Faceful of Basketball Pickery - ep. 3

Dear Dear lovable Down and Distant reader. Holy Shit are you in for a treat. We’ve spared no expense to gather the entire cast of D&D for your basketball benefit. This is no easy task mind you. Because most of these creeps are very busy registering with their local authorities or doing something dirty while reading the JCPenney Catalog. So it is without further adieu that we bring the first installment of the Down and Distant NCAA Basketball Tournament Picking Extravaganza Love Fest. This will be five part deal, with each guy picking one regional, and Hopkins will have the enviable task of detailing the Final Four and Championship. I hope you are a fast reader. Because we are firing these bitches off fast and furious so try to keep up. Next.....PorkChop with the South.

The South region, where the Buckeyes are the No. 1 seed but everyone thinks Texas A&M will advance. Fuck that.

Ohio State opens with Central Conn., which has no chance. It hits threes all the time because it can’t go inside against its shitty league opponents. Greg Oden will teabag the entire Blue Devil team. In the first round, the water will be neither cold nor deep.

No. 8 Brigham Young takes on No. 9 Xavier in the next match, and as everyone knows, Thad Matta lied to Xavier Fan three years ago while he was head coach there and said he wasn’t a candidate for the OSU job. A week and a half later, he was the Buckeyes head coach. So Xavier will run through those BYU Churchies like a mule through cornstalks for the chance to get to the Buckeyes in the second round. Did you see that scene in Borat when he was naked wrestling with his fat manager? And the fat guy gets on Borat’s face and spreads his considerable cheeks apart to expose his unbelievably foul and porcine cock, balls, prostate and anus? Then he yelled, “Eat my ass!” a bunch of times. That’s what Ohio State will do to Xavier.

There will be no 12 beating a 5 when Tennessee takes on Long Beach State in the first round. Tennessee’s guard Chris Lofton will eat these surfboarding fruits alive, sending them back wishing Tarkanian was still the coach in Long Beach. Tennessee will then face Virginia, which is just good enough to get by Albany by about two points in overtime in the first round. Virginia will then remember its gay Cavaliers mascot and play Tennessee in the second round as if it were a titty pulling contest. Tennessee will face Ohio State in the regional semis, and just like earlier in the year, the Buckeyes will take a shit on Rocky Top. I hope there’s a lot of toilet paper up there.
In the bottom of the bracket, Louisville’s peaking and under the radar and the fellas from Stanford will still be arguing about whether they’re from Stanford or Palo Alto. Tiger Woods will be rooting for his home stumps, so that will make Louisville’s beat down of the Cardinal even more fun to watch. At least on some level, you’ll know that Tiger is just as miserable as anyone else who doesn’t have a zillion dollars and a great looking wife with a twin for a backup. Someone remind me again why he got her pregnant? Lose a wife, gain a mother. It’s a proven fact.

Sam Houston Institute of Technology, I mean Texas A&M, is good enough to fend off the Pennsylvania Quakers in the first round. I mean, they’re the Ivy League champions. Who even knew the Ivy League played basketball.

Ivy League: “Say, Jeeves, get on the floor for the loose ball, eh?”
SHIT: “What the fuck? You Kansas City Faggots ain’t even got any tattoos.”
Ivy League: “Oh dear, it seems we’ve lost in the first round again. Someone bring the sloop around so we can leave Lexington post haste. What do you mean there’s no ocean here?”

Nevada has this Nick Fazekas kid, who’s like the Adam Morrison of this year. He’s good enough by himself to beat Creighton, even though Creighton can certainly make a game of it. If this happens, Fazekas, like Morrision last year, will be the latest dude to cry like a pussy during a basketball game. First Dwayne Wade embarrassed everyone with his show. Then the big kid from Wisconsin cried for an entire half at Ohio State just because he dislocated his elbow. He must have been on his period. Fazekas, don’t do it. Enough tears have been shed.

No one knows about Memphis because they played shitty teams all year. Their best win was over Gonzaga by one point, if that tells you anything. But John Calipari alone is good enough to coach them through the likes of North Texas’s Mean Green. Once, when I was at Marshall, we played the Mean Green in the I-AA semi-finals in the football tournament—yeah, football tournament, bitches. Before the game, they didn’t warm up—they just took turns dunking the football over the crossbar while the rest of the team jammed out to some shitty fucking mid 1980s rap tune on a greasy boom box. Then, Marshall beat holy cat shit out of them. I think a couple of Mean Green Boogers went Richard Jeni after the game. Memphis: A lot. North Texas: Not so much.

Then, Memphis must face Nevada and Fazekis, and that’s where the crying will really begin. This will be Memphis’ denouement, even though they won’t know what that word means.
Texas A&M will lose to Louisville in the second round and Lexington will be flooded with blue Makers Mark.

John Calipari will threaten to kill Rick Pitino in the press conference following the Louisville-Memphis regional because Pitino will find some way to cheat and win. John Cheney will be jacking off with his big bug eyes looking all around the room so that none of his daughters or wife catches him.
Cheney: “Who’s that?”
Daughter: “Oh God, dad, that was a long time ago. I thought we’d all gotten past it.”
Louisville will be spending the nights at home just an hour or so away and Pitino will have them greased like a pig at a county fair. Memphis and its seedy Beale Street never will see them coming and the pig shit will be all over the floor.

All my wife’s relatives are from Louisville, so when Ohio State plays them in the regional finals, I will be fleecing them like disease-ridden sheep. I will then proceed to drink too much and talk about all the sweetest plays over and over again until everyone hates my guts and I puke in the car on the way home.
HT:MgoBlog for the pic.

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