Thursday, March 15, 2007

A Giant Faceful of Basketball Pickery - ep. 1

Dear Dear lovable Down and Distant reader. Holy Shit are you in for a treat. We’ve spared no expense to gather the entire cast of D&D for your basketball benefit. This is no easy task mind you. Because most of these creeps are very busy registering with their local authorities or doing something dirty while reading the JCPenney Catalog. So it is without further adieu that we bring the first installment of the Down and Distant NCAA Basketball Tournament Picking Extravaganza Love Fest. This will be five part deal, with each guy picking one regional, and Hopkins will have the enviable task of detailing the Final Four and Championship. First up…..Hairy Carrey

Hairy Carrey wanted to put up a nice picture of Jen's naked boobies, but stupid
lawyers are making sexy bloggers like me take that picture down.
So here's a safe one. Nudity Lawyers blow.

Welcome to the wide-open East Region, kiddies, where Roy "Even My Sphincter is Sky Blue" Williams will bring his Tar Squeals as the number one seed. First up for the young Heels (How young are they? Their uniforms have milk stains from pre-game momma snacks.) are the Eastern Kentucky Colonels of the Ohio Valley Conference. Colonels? We don't need no stinkin' colonels. Heels in a laugher. And by the way, how about the Tar Heels plating the first round in Winston-Salem. What a crock of shit.

Next up is a great 8-9 game featuring Marquette and Tom Crean facing his mentor, Tom Izzo and the Michigan State Spartans. Dominic James--sweet. Drew Neitzel--sweeter. Sparty (queerest mascot in the whole tournament) and the boys nip the Golden Eagles in a wild one. Bet the over, pussies.

Southern Cal vs. Arkansas. Seen "Deliverance"? The Trojans will make the Razorbacks squeal like a pig in this laugher. Nuff said.

Rounding out the top half of the bracket is Kevin Durant (and Texas) vs. New Mexico State. New Mexico State has changed its mascot to the "Comb Overs" in honor of recently deposed coach Lou Henson. That's the only part the statees will get right as Kevin Durant (and Texas) live up to their 4 seed with a six point win. Durant, incidentally, will drop 40 on the Comb Overs. Las Cruces, home of NMS, is Spanish for "The Crotch". Nice.

On to the bottom half of the bracket where we find Vanderbilt ready to deliver a rabbit punch to the hopes of 11th seeded George Washington. Vandy is the best six seed in the tourney, as they will prove to Washington State in the second round. This is after Washington State polishes off Oral Roberts. Did I say "polish off"? I guess I did. The only "Baby!" Oral Roberts will get in this tourney is a mouth baby when they get back to the locker room.

The General, Robert Montgomery Knight, will have his Red Raiders of Texas Tech primed for a shot at the Salad Tossers from Boston College. 10 beats 6. Bobby improves to 46-22 in the tourney. Not too shabby. Unfortunately, his stay will be brief as the Red Raiders will have to meet one of the hottest teams in the country in the second round when they meet the Hoyas of Georgetown. These fuckers are bad. The shoot it up, they play "D", and they take teams out of their game plans. They are goin' deeper than Long Dong Silver at a swap meet.

North Carolina and Kevin Durant meet in the Sweet 16, and Roy's babies live for one more round, when they will be dispatched by Georgetown, who knocked off a valiant Vandy squad (dig that alliteration, muthafuckas). North Carolina goes down like a drunk prom date as Georgetown heads to the Final Four. Word.

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