Saturday, January 20, 2007

Cherry Poppin' update #1*

Eleven days later and the shock of it hasn’t yet passed. I just try to compartmentalize the memory, keep it repressed, keep churning forward, focus on the basketball team and the inevitable disappointment it will bring in March.

Jim Tressel let us down. The program has the stink of bologna sandwiches, cheap cigarettes and jungle butt on it. We were humiliated by the smegma of America’s penis. I do not like this feeling, and it won’t go away.

I haven’t been this ashamed since that day last November when I left my 16-year-old stepson in the house by himself while I went to the store. I went out, started my car, then realized I’d left my wallet in my bedroom on the night stand. So, making no real effort to come back into the house quietly, I trudged through the front door and up the stairs to the bedrooms.

As I crested the top landing, there was ole’ Ryan, naked, on the floor, bridging so hard Dan Gable couldn’t have put his shoulders back on the ground. Why naked? Why on the floor? Why the dishrag from the kitchen? Why with the door open? How did it happen so fast? Christ, I was only out of the house 30 seconds.

He looked at me with a poker face and asked, “What?” Startled, I quickly ducked into my bedroom. Now, I have a theory (one of many)—there are two kinds of guys in this world—ones who get busted whacking their yam bags, and ones who do the busting. Since I was the one fully clothed and flaccid, I’ll claim membership in Category Number Two.

I yelled into his room, “Uh, dude, if you’re doing something that would make you uncomfortable if other people saw you doing it, how about closing the door?” He replied that he didn’t know what I was talking about, then closed the door.

Now that I have Ryan’s four-inch root emblazoned on my frontal lobe, I think I’ll go watch some footage of Charles Barkley’s golf swing so I can guarantee I’ll have no capacity for concentration on the golf course this spring.

Nothing is worse than surprising someone while he’s making balloon animals with his monkey bits. Except losing to an SEC team in the national championship.


*Cherry Poppin' Update #1 - Welcome TRM aka PorkChopU alternate alias to be determined later. His words and post. We'll get this posting/blogger/ookie cookie figured out at some point

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