I'm in Hell and I still can't get away from the Rangers

Today is the first day in a long time that the Rangers didn't lose a game. Too bad that we had to do that by having the day off. Seriously what the hell is wrong with this team? Oh, maybe us fans should be behind them more so that they would have more money to chase after free agent. Fuck that. Yes, mother I swore. Fuck that.

If someone seriously tells me that the Rangers are struggling for money this year so they need more support than ever, I will punch them in the taint. Male or female, I don't care. Taint hit for you. I also will go out on a limb and say that the Rangers will not win more games this year than the Mavericks did(67). If they do, then it will not be by more than 5 games. That is Poon's lock of the year. If I am wrong then I owe my crew at the bar a round. Mark that bitches.

I honestly don't see hell being any worse than watching the Rangers play baseball. I know that Helen Keller can be a bitch of a receptionist and all, but I don't see it as that bad. Just to check to see how bad it really was I took a road trip down there just for the weekend, not solid plans yet. By the way I picked out a sweet piece of land if anyone is interested.
When I walked in there were space heaters blowing full blast in my face. Pretty horrible, but not the heat I was looking for. After wandering around for a while and waiting for help like I was a black person on a car lot, someone finally asked if I needed anything. "Just looking around." I said
"We have several specials right now. HAHAHAHA."

"I don't get it."

"Don't get what?"

"Why you were laughing."

"Little do you know how bad hell really is, sir! The space heaters were only the beginning. If you thought that was bad, we have mandatory tanning bed sessions daily! HAHAHAHA!"

"So, what's so bad with that?"

"You might think that you will get by on 8 minutes, but we make you stay for 12!!!!! That will lead to CANCER!!!!"

"Won't I already be dead?"

"CAAAAANNNNNCCCCCEEERRRRRRRRR!"

"Hey! Is that Hitler shoving a pineapple up his ass?"

As the large red man turned around and started spanking his red rocket, I ran back to the car and headed out. It seems nice and all, but I don't know how cold the beer will stay down there. That is the only hang up I have. Eh, I'll probably take the offer either way. I sure don't want to sit all stuck up watching people walk on streets of gold sober.

Poon

I'm Retired-ded

"what are you looking at?

I SAID WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT!! oh."

Damn. Why didn’t I think of this? I’m pretty sure come Monday, I am going to march into my boss’s office and tell him that I am going to retire. However, if I do not find a company that wants me for more money or more opportunity that I have here, I’ll just come back so keep my cubicle warm for me. Thanks.

And to think, it was Corey “I look like I’m running with children on my legs now days” Dillon that made me realize this. In all honesty, I’ve never been a big fan of this jackwad. When he was in Cincy, he sucked….kinda…..well, he was ok…..shit. I really hate when I don’t like a guy and I’m ready to tear him a new one and then I realize th

at he was actually pretty good. He has averaged 1100 yards per year since he has been in this league, but that is kind of padded. Over the past 4 years he has had 541, 1635, 733 and 812. Really? Not that great to me. I know the 1635 is an OK season, but is the rest of his career going to be enough to put him in the Hall? My answer….YES!

Confused? I’ll bet you are my little servants. “Didn’t he say that he hates this guy and now he wants him in the HOF?” Maybe I did. Contradictory? Yes. Let me explain. The 2007 class included a guy tied for 2^nd most consecutive seasons in Browns history (seriously? Look at it, its his highlight), a guy that never had more than 42 receptions in a season and only 336 for his career and this guy that got voted in for having the coolest fucking hair ever. I will not get on a tangent about Irvin, Bruce Matthews or Thurman

Thomas because that will open up a whole new thing that I don’t need to get into. Corey Dillon just needs to wait for an off season for the Hall and he will slide in there just like the rest of the mediocre players that made it.

Congrats Corey. I hope that you retire and then in 27 years you get voted in and you can’t even walk up to the stage because your legs are so beaten from the playing you did. You see, I can be a nice person too. I could have just told him to eat shit and die, but I don’t roll like that.

Speaking of dying, I received a private call today at the house and I didn’t answer not thinking much of it. I heard that they left a voicemail so I went to see who it was. Sam Snead. Yeah, that Sam Snead. As PK kindly pointed out “I thought he would sound a little deader than that.” I thought so too. I did the ‘ol *69 on it just to see what I could find and it connected me directly to Hell. When they answered it went like this.

“Fuck you for calling Hell. This is Helen Keller how can I direct your call?” (yeah kinda surprised me too)

“This is –insert real name here-. Sam Snead called me and I was just returning his call.”

“Well, you will just have to wait another year to talk to him when you get down here. We can’t transfer to that area.”

“Is it a bad wing? I don’t get that….hey what do you mean another year before I get down there?”

“Oh nothing. Good luck in Vegas in April 2008. hahahahaahahahahaha”

*click*

What a bitch. And don’t ask how she could find the phone or even hear it when I talked. Jesus works miracles in Hell I guess.

Poon