Friday, February 9, 2007

WORD TO THE FELLAS - a how-to guide to giving Rosie McFisty a break and maybe score a little on Valentine's Day

Buckeye Savant: Takes a break as a Full time chick magnet and part-time taint model
to share some very important tips on bagging "The Babes"

OK, boys, listen up! We here at Down and Distant are always looking-out for the common man. That's right, Joe Average, we've got your back - and to prove it, we are offering you these manly suggestions for Valentine's Day. You want to score with Jane Doe? Aside from the fact that Kobe already "hit that" a long time ago, we're all for it. Just follow these simple steps and you'll be ears deep even before the roofies kick-in:

1. Think positive. The ladies love a confident man so give yourself some quality self-affirmation with a little pre-date pep talk. Repeat any of these mantras: "I will remember to wash my butt crack," "I will be sophisticated and order white zinfandel," or "I am in control…baseball, baseball, baseball."

2. Never tell the truth. Aside from dropping the oh-so-obvious "Canadian girlfriend" line, embellish all you want, but plan ahead so she can't call you out on it later. Some good lies include: exaggerated high school sports accomplishments ("I would have been All-State if I hadn't broken my coccyx"), completely made-up celebrity run-ins ("I had drinks with Evel Knievel"), and how you broke-up with a really hot chick because she wasn't pretty "on the inside." Bad lies might include embellished penis size - length and/or girth and, well, I guess that's pretty much it for bad lies.

3. Dress to impress. Truth be told, there are two distinct schools of thought on this one - dress like you really want to get laid -or- dress like you don't give a damn. If you want to get laid, rock a great pair of jeans with an expensive shirt and a good tasteful watch. Also, match your shoes and belt, dumb ass - and apply copious amounts of a good cologne not called Brut, English Leather or anything with Karate in the name. If you are dressing like you don't give a damn, be sure to look like you don't give a damn ON PURPOSE. Avoid, at all costs, dark socks with non-athletic shorts, corduroy pants, and excessive gold jewelry. By "excessive." we mean "any."

4. Gift buying. Once again, there are two distinct strategies. First, good gifts - which include non-turquoise or non-cubic zirconium jewelry, flowers sent to her at work (so everyone sees them at her desk), and a certificate for a day at the spa. Bonus points for SPECIFIC spa certificates - like $50 toward a Brazilian or $25 toward clearing a landing strip. Next bad gifts - which are really good gifts...for YOU! Our suggestions include: a Sony Playstation (with Madden 2008), some seriously naughty lingerie, new best seller “Now Go Make Me a Turkey Pot Pie Bitch and other Post-Coitus Recipes for a Man” or a 12-month subscription to Barely Legal.

5. TIVO. We understand that you’d rather be home on the couch watching sports on TV than going out to Chez Suckhole restaurant. But that’s the genius of Tivo. You’ll be able to feign enjoyment of your wedge salad and Poached Salmon a la Crap for two, know that you viewing pleasure is ensured for later. You won’t have to miss American Idol, Ultimate Fighting and Grey’s Anatomy Spurs at Pistons.

So go forth, Man. Follow these steps, drive the lane and score dammit! SCORE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Please be sure to tell us about it too. As some of us are married and will most likely be at home on the couch watching Spurs at Pistons American Idol, and will need the vicarious boner.


Dragons Rule said...

Sweet. This is the kind of help I needed. With this list I'll be "in" like that time my Fourth Level Wizard used his Septer of Light to put a sex spell on that hot little nymph from Zir'zan. But then she turned out to be a 6th level Tranny from.....Oh fuck it. Kill me.

white&nerdy said...

With a little help from you and a big help from my Holy Father Jesus, I will fornicate this V-Day. Dear God, please let me get some ass