I Hate Lou Holtz

Lou Fucking Holtz is the biggest fraud to be perpetuated on college football. Shame on ESPN for putting this cheating fake on the air. I’m sick of his squirrely little mug, his goofy toupee, and his fake “aw-shucks” demeanor, delivered with a lisp reminiscent of Ron Howard from his homo-erotic turn as Andy’s son in Mayberry.

Why do I hate “Saint Lou” so. Let me give you four reasons. Arkansas. Notre Dame. Minnesota. Notre Dame. What do these four schools have in common? They all ended up on probation for violations that occurred when Lou was the coach there. And the biggest coincidence? Saint Lou didn’t know about any of it! What a lying douche bag. What I can’t understand is how he has gotten a pass on this from the mainstream media. Bill Belicheck tapes defensive signals, and people react like he lived next door to movie starts and invited Charles Manson over to dinner. Yet Lou gets four—count ‘em—four schools placed on probation, quits, writes a book, gets a tv deal, and lisps his way through his “pep talk” segment. Fucking douche. For a great read on the subject, Click here.

In the meantime, fuck Lou and the miniature pony the sawed off runt rode in on.

HC Out.

d & d Pop Culture Update

OK - we freely admit that opinions are like assholes (everyone's trying to get their finger in got one), but since reading our blog "don't cost nuthin'," we will continue to post whatever crap we want and hope your keep coming back.
Note to Staff: Add fake internet porn portal to make sure nobody willingly clicks away from d & d. Ever.

…now, on to our professional opinion on several current events…

OJ Simpson - No redeeming human qualities what-so-ever. We can forgive the wife murdering, but dating white women and stealing sports memorabilia? At least he never got over on the Buckeyes (27-16 Rose Bowl Winners in 1969).

Britney Spears - Wow. Too easy.

International Talk Like a Pirate Day - Outstanding. Of course the challenge is to opine about this without using traditional pirate talk (that would be too over-the-top…even for d & d). The only thing better than International Talk Like a Pirate Day would be International Dress Like a Pirate Day (especially if you can pull-off the Kent Tekulve look). On second thought, getting blood out of a clown suit is tough enough - maybe this is a bad idea .

Gay Sex in Bathroom Stalls - OK, we understand this is hot, but it's so unhygienic (I mean, come on…"eewww"). Larry Craig may like hot, sweaty man sex, but just say no to "in the can" sex…wait, what we meant to say is…oh forget it. Get a room already.

Michigan Football - Still sucks, but not as bad as Notre Dame. Several staffers barely passed Philosophy 150 (symbolic logic), but we feel confident in offering the following proof:
1. Appalachian State sucks
2. Appalachian State beat Michigan
3. Michigan beat Notre Dame

Therefore…Appalachian State sucks, Michigan swallows, and Notre dame takes it in the arse.

Note: d & d would like to thank the brilliant young minds of West Virginia University - circa 1998 - for demonstrating that proof (albeit with different schools) on a bed sheet hanging off the front porch of a house on campus.

Now get back to pretending to work and stay tuned for more pop culture updates...

Savant Out (not that kind of out, just logging off....not that way.....I mean.....fuck it. Later)

No Excuses

I KNOW. We are the sorriest excuse for a blog in the entire interwebtube world of blogging. No excuses. By that I mean we have them, but I’m not going to try to sway your opinion of us by listing them here. We should stand on our own merits of competent and prolific blogocity. It shouldn’t matter that Poon’s new job as Chief Gnat Shit out of Pepper Picker is taking up all his time. And of course the medication he is taking for his pending “Change” makes him tired and negatively effects his creativity.

Savant hasn’t been seen since he ran off with Fritz the Erasure roadie. We know he’ll be happy as a clam….A clam with a ball-gag permanently crammed in its mouth that is.

Pork Chop, well you know Pork Chop. He’s been on a Hunter S. Thompson-like bender all summer. He’ll eventually tear down the foil off his apartment windows and emerge like Punxsutawney Phil only to realize it’s a cold drizzly late-fall in the Midwest and retreat to his bath-tub gin, Newports and crack whores.

Hairy Carrey, has always been thought of as the supposedly most upstanding and responsible of the bunch…PFFFFFT. He’s been way too busy trying to work the bugs out of his “theft prevention” cameras he installed in the girls locker room at his school. Good news is that theft is down but Ted the janitor is confounded about the origin of all the icing on the floor of the Asst. Principal’s office, and how to clean it up.

Even yours truly may have lost the muse. I’ve just really been depressed since I found out that Rosie O’Donnell was leaving The View. I just love her. I think it's so cute that most of the time you can still see her breakfast of bacon and ranch dressing on her chin. That GD Drew Carey, he must have blown someone to take away her rightful gig on The Price is Right. Bastard.

Seriously, none of that should matter. If we need to we’ll fire the whole fucking bunch of them and run Indy Buckeye and his footie pajama wearing posse in here if we can get some decent production out of this bitch. We’ll pull that trigger in a red hot second. Let this be a warning shot across your collective bow, Down and Distant. Get yer shit squared away and write, dammit. Or you’ll find your self right back where you started, making scary preditory comments on the Hannah Montana fan site.

So as not to have this post be just about bitching and complaining here’s a nice photo of the beautiful and talented Mrs. PK in Seattle, where she and PK were supporting our beloved Buckeyes. More photos available upon request. And, NO Hairy, not those types of photos. You perv.

PK out

It's Official: M*chigan Really Sucks!

OK - so we're a couple days late with this post, but give us a break. d & d went on a 3-day bender/road trip to buy Appalachian State shirts. Although we were unable to secure sponsorship rights, we think you ought to buy one: HERE

(ED: it's BOONE, North Carolina - which is just a couple letters away from being an outstanding town name.)

We at d & d feel somewhat validated by Appalachian State's victory (yes - FOOTBALL victory) over the M*chigan Wolverines. After all, we have always thought M*chigan sucked…just not THAT much. Jeesch.

You know it's probably karmic payback for all their superiority crap we've taken over the years. Furthermore, it's perfect justice for scUM loudmouth (and former Heisman contender) Mike Hart who guaranteed a rematch win after his team lost to their rival, THE Ohio State University last year. I wonder if Mike thinks his team could win a rematch against Appalachian State? I also wonder how long until LLLLLoyd Carr blames OSU for this loss?

Food for thought - can you imagine how badly the Mountaineers (that's Appalachian State's nickname - in case, like 97% of the county - but not Buckeye Savant- you didn't know) would have beaten Michigan on a neutral field?

Maybe this is a little harsh…I mean there is an upside for the scUMers: at least scUM found a way to make their program relevant again! Not every NCAA Division I program can participate in the greatest college football upset of ALL TIME. True 'dat!

Death, taxes, and M*chigan sucking…just a few of the universal truths.

Savant Out - going to have some iced tea, sweetened with the sweetest substance known to Little Baby Jesus......LLLLLOYD Carr tears.

Football, Goo and Dead Hookers....DAMN I LOVE SUNDAYS!

In my never ending pursuit of throwing everything in my life to complete shit for the sake of sports, I have just finished my 4th fantasy football draft. I know that there are some of my humble followers out there that are in more drafts that I am and for them I simply say, "suck it.....yep suck it." Is there really a need for this? Can one league not fill your sports tummy full of stats and upkeep enough to make it through a season? Do you really have a chance of winning any of your leagues? Is it odd if you have the Little League World Series playing in the background while you are multitasking between webpages of fantasy football drafts and amateur porn?
The answers of course are no, no, no and no as long as the sound is off. I guess that is one of the great things about not having a roommate. I can sit around on Sundays watching sports and having long distance shooting competitions all day without someone interrupting me. What are you doing? Put your pants on! Why is there mayonnaise in my shoe? Is that a dead hooker in your room covered in cocaine and peanut butter? Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You know as well as I do that during the summer when all you have is baseball to watch, you have to find ways to pass the time until football starts up.
Now that we are so close to the start of the greatest sports season of the year, of course I encourage you to join a few fantasy football leagues. Yeah, a few. Join 3 or 4. Pick different players in all of the drafts so you have some sort of chance of winning. I plan on spending at least 2 more nights this week at home alone getting completely hammered sitting in front of my computer ignoring calls from the old lady and partaking in more fantasy football teams. I expect my minions to do the same.
The only other piece of advice that I have for you is to put some effort into your team name.....almost as much effort on that as actually picking your team. I don't want to run into one of you online and see your team name as your email address or your actual name. Get creative. Here are some of my team names that you may steal.

off in the shower - Although I can't take full credit for this one, it is genius. Even if you lose a week the other person still has to say they beat off in the shower. There are some versions of this that you may also use like.....
off in your mother
off in penny loafers
you get the idea.

Granny's Hairy Hole - Nothing really special here, just disturbing enough to make you known.

A Stool Sample Named Desire - Again, can't take full credit for this one, but I like it.

Enjoy fantasy football like I do this year and good luck.

Of course by good luck I mean I hope that you don't ruin every aspect of your life within the next 6 months by taking my word on playing fantasy football. If you do, I'm looking for a roommate.

Fantasy Poonball

Reunited and it feels so good…

(ed: Buckeye Savant actually asked permission to do two Rock and Roll posts back-to-back. Well, how could we keep him from doing so? He does work in a vinyl record shop, wears sleeveless black concert t-shirts and has a 6' bong named Tall Stanley and smaller one named SpAced Frehley. Plus it's not like anyone is really shaking the late summer doldrums off this MFer. So on with the show Savant. Hello Cleveland!)

OK boys and girls, drop your linen and start your grinin' as it looks like 75% of the original bands Van Halen and Led Zeppelin will be touring (albeit separately) in the next 6-7 months. If you don't already smoke pot, this is as good a time as any to start (just stay away from Washington Park). Van Halen is all but confirmed for 50 US dates and it is very likely Led Zep will follow suit. Although the roll of Michael Anthony will be played by Wolfgang Van Halen (Eddies' son) and Jason Bonham will beat the skins in place of his dad, John, expect both outfits to bring-it!

I'll go out on a limb and guarantee the following for each show: outrageous ticket prices, hot, skanky topless hard rock groupies, palpable nostalgia, contact buzzes, sweet-ass concert shirts, and really great music. Two of the best front-men in the history of rock-n-roll will be on display (one wearing ass-less chaps, which, ironically, strikes me as "less gay" than wearing regular chaps) so chug a few Red Bulls before the show as you may need every ounce of energy.

Something happened at AT&T Park last night

ATT Park -- the scene of the crime

I know it’s controversial and polarizing. It may also be racially dividing. It’s a topic that has battle lines drawn between baseball fans young and old. Something happened last night in the City by The Bay. We don’t usually shy away from controversial topics at Down and Distant so it’s no wonder that we are going to tackle this one.

For some reason I found myself watching the telecast of the Nationals and Giants game from AT&T Park. That’s when it happened. It’s tough to talk about but here goes. They have a woman PA announcer there. I know! Can you believe it? First Title IX, then Pam Ward in the D-1 college TV booth, now a skirt at a ball park. Oh the horror. She was really belting it out, so it would have been tough to miss her over-announce-screaming the names of Giants as they approached the plate.

The fake Condi Rice, Renel Brooks-Moon Giants announcer.

Maybe baseball should put an asterisk next to Giants home wins. Too harsh? I’m not so sure.

PK. Out.