Urnining for the Playoffs

While we at down and distant have certainly been known to take a morally casual attitude toward loss of bladder control, it excites us to learn that one fan is taking this tried and true faux paus to a whole new level. "Bernie," a life-long fan of the Milwaukee*** Brewers, has promised to pee his pants if the Brewers make the playoffs - which, in and of itself, is a pretty cool move because, as we all know, "you ain't cool unless you pee your pants." Furthermore, he is inviting - via his website - other Brewer fans (or just plain old band-wagon pant wetters) to do the same. More pee-pee stuff here.

Down and distant is not only proud to endorse this righteous campaign, we have a few suggestions for fans of other teams and campaigns they might consider. With that in-mind, here's our list (yes - we like to include lists, periodically): Feel free to let fly with your own in the comment section.

Wichita State Shockers - "Give the shocker for WSU!"

Green Bay Packers - (this space intentionally left blank)

Findlay College Oilers - "Get oiled-up for the Big F!"

Oregon State Beavers - "Stuff those Beavers with Wieners!" Campaign sponsored by Weiner King, Mansfield, Ohio.

South Carolina Gamecocks - (this space intentionally left blank)

Columbus Clippers - "Groom your pubes for The Clippers!"

Washburn College Ichabods - "Do an icky bod for the Ichabods!"

No matter which team you follow, we invite you to put yourself out there and get in the spirit. We're not talking candle wax on the nipples or witchcraft or anything like that, but how 'bout a little commitment as you root, root, root for the home team?

**According to Alice Cooper, a regular visitor, Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. French missionaries and explorers began visiting in the late 16th century. You might ask yourself, "isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?" In fact, it was originally an Algonquin term meaning "the good land." Alice also likes to point-out Milwaukee is the only American city to have elected elect three Socialist mayors (as of 1991).

Does this guy know how to party or what?

Traveling Woes

Well my fine followers, I am back in the saddle. Just to keep you updated, right now I am typing this at McCarren Airport in beautiful Lost Wages, NV. I will probably not post this until I get back in town and talk myself out of suicide, but I did want to get on here while I am waiting the last 2 hours on my flight. In all honesty, it was a good trip. Like usual the craps tables were doing good for me and the strippers somehow realized that. On Tuesday (from what I'm told because I was pretty much a walking blackout when this was going on) I was at the tables in Excalibur from about 7pm until about 1am and came out about $300 ahead. In that time my fellow travelers went drinking, played UNO in our room, played blackjack and then finally called me to see where I was.
After a bottle of vodka earlier and about 18 Heinkenen later, I finally left the table to go with them and enjoy a nice pleasant night at the Speariment Rhino. Boy was it fun! By fun I mean that I don't remember being there except for the fact that I ran out of the money I had on me and went to the ATM twice for an amout of money that I would rather not disclose. What happened you ask? Well that part is kind of sketchy also. I remember being in a dark room with a French whore where I bought 2 bottles of VOSS water ($12 a bottle) and for some reason for the last 2 days I noticed that the area just above my junk is bruised. Don't ask me how or why because I don't remember. No sex took place I know that much because I have the same 4 STD's that I left Dallas with.
The people that I see in person will get alot more info about the goings on there. I will just give you a few bullet points.
-4 days of non-stop diahrrea
-3 hour trip to find some place that served lunch before noon
-Whore's photos covering the walls and pictures in the room
-1 room + 4 males = ?????
-Was it lemonade or pee?
-Found Barbaro's new job
So take it from me. Party long and often in Vegas, but just say NO to French whores.....well at least say maybe.

Poon

Sports!

Definitely not Bruce Crandall Steel Balls Worthy

Coming off his stellar 8 point effort against Golden State in the Mavericks swan song, Arian poster-boy Dirk Nowitzki is going to get exactly what he deserves. An MVP. Today Dour-Kraut NOwitzki earned a spot on the All-NBA team. This embarrassment of riches will continue soon when they open the envelope to reveal Dirk as the MVP. Oh to see the look on Cuban’s face (and Don Nelson’s for that matter) when he’s looking for the quickest way to crawl under the carpet in his billion dollar rumpus room. Think that Commish Stern is trying to find a way unstuff the ballot box and restuff it with Steve Nash votes? Me too. Steve Nash or Nash Bridges whoever. Not Dirk.

Very sportsy post, huh? Not to worry we’ll get back to sporadically posted locker room talk, potty humor and dick jokes in no time.

Poon wealthy and rested

Poon is back in the middle of the night tonight from Vegas where he blacked out in a strip club but his credit card didn’t. Look for future hilarity.

I Lied to Jesus...

Many of my humble followers remember my yearly prayer to Jesus just before the Super Bowl. Well, as I sit here waiting for tomorrow when I leave for Vegas for a full week, I had to pray again. I'm not proud of it, but it's one of those things that I had to do to make sure I had all of my bases covered. (I also burnt incense, rubbed a fat person's belly which I got punched for, smoked dope, bought a purple sheet, new jump suit and white Nike's, drinking some Kool-Aid later, married 4 women and I'm also getting drunk as we speak. You know for the Catholics.) Here's the transcript.

Well, I'm back again. I know I said that I wouldn't talk to you until next year but I can't help it. I guess that you know that I'm going to Vegas tomorrow. If you don't then you are slacking now days. By the way, if you know how many hairs I have on my head, then do you also know that it's falling out on a daily basis? Seriously, it's not funny.
Sorry I got sidetracked. I leave tomorrow and I'm kind of scared. Well, yeah of flying, but.....yeah of getting hold of some bad coke but.......yeah I know about the STD's too and that thing last time with the hooker, the dog, the one eyed hamster and the fact that Peter Gammons is hung like a donkey. That's not what I'm worried about. Well, that is kind of what I'm worried about.
Now that d&d is as big as we are, what if I get out of control? I mean I'm going to be there for a week for your dad's sake. Let's say that I get too many drinks in me and get a little trigger happy at the craps table. Let's also say that I get on a run of bad luck there and can't get out of the hole. Let's also say that I have a blank company check in my pocket and have already thought through this whole scenario. Well, I have and I think that you owe me.
I'm not asking to win the lottery or anything like that, just maybe keep me even. That's all I'm asking. Now if you find it within whatever powers you are said to have to slip me a few hundred or a few grand here and there, well then we will revisit the whole church thing again. And yes I did get your email about what time services start and I would just like to say thanks a bunch smart ass.
Ok, well I think that we are on the same wavelength now and I appreciate in advance all that you are going to do for me. Well I have to get off of here so I can keep drinking. You know for the Catholics. Just in case.

Poon 3:16

Taint-ed

I am in no mood today to do any work. After the collapse of the Mavericks last night and the never ending Jager Bombs, I feel like microwaved dog shit. Not the good kind that you get from Kroger, the bad stuff that comes from the clearance aisle at Costco. The one thing that I will say now is that Golden Shower State will not win more than one more game. That is going to piss me off even worse. Why is there a Taco Bell bag in the middle of my living room? Oh well. To help everyone get over last night, here's Robocop.



Poon

All the right moves

This

Plus this
Equals this

Last week the Cruise family got a much needed shot in the arm. In a highly appreciated show of support, talented and extremely important actress and fellow Scientologist Jenna Elfman said that Tom, Katie and Suri are happy and healthy and that their family life is none of our beeswax.

I was sure that Tom needed that shot in the arm. His public image has taken a real beating over the last few years. Crazy rants, furniture jumping, kidnapping a young hot actress and turning her brain in to Cream of Wheat. Etc.

I used my powerful connections and called Tom Cruise, just to hear first hand how he and the fam are doing.

PK: Tommy! It’s PK, How you doing beeeeeyotch.

Tom: Beeeeeeep…Whirrrr….ZZZZZZZZZ…click….click.

PK: Uh, Hello? Tom.

Tom: Feeewwssllllllasssdkfiioooonnn…Buzzzzzzzzzz.

PK: Hello?

Tom: Press F2 for boot log …..Brooke Shields is a whore.

PK: Seriously Tom, You OK?

Tom: Purple Nikes…..Comets…..Spaceships……Kelly Preston has great boobies….

PK: Ok, you are creeping me out more than usual. I’m gonna cut you loose, K?

Tom: Beep.

We’ll that didn’t go very well. We can try again later.

Blogging staple: A list of things

In the interest of making our blog more closely resemble men's soft-soft-core porn magazines, we at down and distant (yes, morons, that is the correct capitalization) present our version of overrated/underrated.

down and distant -- Very Clearly UNDERRATED

Soft-Soft Core Porn -- OVERRATED

The NBA -- OVERRATED

Losing NCAA Title Games to Florida -- OVERRATED

A Good Handjob -- UNDERRATED

A Bad Blowjob -- **trick question - there is no such thing as a bad blowjob

YouTube.com -- Rated correctly

LNSEMSF website (look it up assholes) -- UNDERRATED

"The Man With Two Brains" -- UNDERRATED

"Deep Throat" -- OVERRATED

Poon -- UNDERRATED

Buckeye Savant You're kidding, right? -- OVERRATED

Booger Eating -- Most of the time OVERRATED…sometimes, however, when, as Mr. Hand suggested, you "get a good one…" oh - never mind)

Salad Tossing -- Wait a minute - cancel Christmas!!! You talking with syrup or jelly?

Fergie -- OVERRATED

Brittney's Underwear -- UNDERRATED - in fact, we'd like to see more of it!

Editors Note: since the mildly retarded, but bundle of fun Savant got us started go ahead and add to this list in the comments.