Thursday, March 6, 2008

SNOT



Another typical Ohio winter—60 degrees one day, 20 degrees with snow the next. I’m telling you, it just ain’t good for your health. So there I was, head filled with more fluids than Linda Lovelace after a hard day on the set. Couldn’t breathe, head achin’. So I call dear old Mum—who else do you call when you’re under the weather. “Zicam”, she says. “Works like a charm and worth every penny.” Well, I tried the stuff, and—well—I’ll just let my letter to the the manufacturer speak for itself:


Dear Zicam LLC;

I have been congested and feeling like hell for three days. I am on an antibiotic and a steroid spray to treat a sinus infection--no relief. My mom called from Florida to recommend your product. As Mom always knows best, I dragged my sick, tired, and stuffed up head, along with the rest of my sorry carcass, to the local CVS to purchase your product. Found it straight off--so far so good.

Opened box--check. Read directions thoroughly--check. Pulled red tab to remove seal from completely wrapped bottle--danger, Will Robinson. Red stripe breaks after unwrapping half of bottle. Worked for another 5 minutes to get frickin' bottle unwrapped--this is wrong--just wrong. Can't breathe, can't get stupid wrapping off bottle. I am a reasonably active, coordinated 44 year old. When I turn 80 I might as well just stumble out into the cold and wait for the dark angel cuz there's no opening that bottle when I am a geezer.

Success at last--aided by a fork, the bottle is open. Following the directions, I "prime pump by depressing several times". The third and fourth pumps emit a stream of gel that hits my kitchen ceiling. While the sound that it made while hitting said ceiling was somewhat pleasant, the task of climbing onto a chair in my head-ready-to-implode state was understandably dangerous, but what is a guy to do?

Finally pumped your product into my nostrils (with, I must add, some trepidation, given the force with which your product hit the aforementioned ceiling). Perhaps what occurred next should have been expected. Perhaps, after enduring several days of stuffed, sore, raw mucous membranes, I should not have gotten the "cooling menthol" intense sinus relief, and gone with the "soothing aloe" instead. But I come from the school of thought that eschews a "mild laxative"--hell, when I'm constipated, I want RELIEF! So, following that theorem, I went with the menthol. Wow.

Even now, 20 minutes later, neighborhood dog owners are still consoling their crazed canines, whose sensitive ears are still ringing with the high pitched screaming that emanated from my residence. The good news--some combination of chair climbing and screaming (and perhaps your medication) has cleared my sinuses for the first time in three days.

So allow me to thank you for your fine product. I am not certain if this is how it is intended to work, but I will be sure to recommend it to all of my sinus challenged friends.

Sincerely,

Hairy Carray
Columbus, Ohio


You know what? Those tools sent me a fuckin’ coupon. I inhaled the napalm those bastards pass off as a natural remedy, and they send me a lousy fucking coupon. Take my word for it. Instead of buying this shit, dip a rag in kerosene, stuff it in your nose, and light it. Word.

1 comment:

Booger Eating Moron said...

Mucous tastes like chicken...