Why Are You Reading This?

Seriously. It's Christmas Day, there is finally basketball on and you should be at least half drunk at this point. I am, but only from remnants of last nights ordeal with Mr. and Ms. PK as I am at the house of the Christian portion of my family. Joy. My only goal is to be able to post this without using the work fuck since it is Christmas.........well shit. That doesn't count.

Those of you that know me (ME not Poon.....me) know that it has been a trying year overall and I look forward to what 2012 brings. This particular time of year is a little more difficult than I had planned, but I have such an amazing supporting cast in this that it makes it more than bearable. Over the past 18 hours or so I saw and heard many things I didn't plan on hearing this year. From a church full of people that said in chorus "ass" to a discussion about if I still believed in Santa. SPOILER ALERT!!!! I do. Not necessarily the fat man that repels down my chimney causing damage that will for sure lower the value of my house, but the spirit. PK shared his habit of randomly paying for someone's coffee at Starbuck's from time to time (probably the best looking guy he can find. zing.) and that a few years ago he was driving through to get his coffee and it was already paid for. That kind of shit. You don't ask Santa to cure your cancer or murder Aaron Rodgers so you can win your fantasy league (unless he wants to. just saying) you ask for nothing and you realize when you get even the smallest things. That's Santa.

Christmas is a time for joy, being with family, eating bad food and drinking to forget how much debt you just went in so your child can play in a cardboard box of the $600 car you bought. If you know me, you know that I can be somewhat of an emotional person. I see someone cry, I get choked up. Seeing a friend of mine cry this morning after getting a well deserved present almost made me lose it. The only thing that kept me from balling was the fact that PK would have called me a pussy for the rest of my life. That's the shit that Christmas is for.

Whatever you are doing and wherever you are, make the best of today. Do something that someone doesn't expect or maybe even deserve. I'm giving my grandmother an upper decker. You're welcome. This for sure isn't the best post on here, but who are you to judge? I mean we post every few months so enjoy it while you can.

Merry Christmas

Cordially,
Poon




fuck

Greatest GIF Ever

Some of you may have seen this already, but this is seriously one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life.

Click link for the greatest GIF ever made.

GREATEST GIF EVER

Carry on....

Be Thankful For Everything

So its been a while since anyone has done anything worth a shit on this website and this intends to be no different. During Thanksgiving I take some time every year to reflect on what I am really thankful for. Although the list is short and probably doesn't make sense to most, understand that it is from the heart.

Family - Those that really know me also know my fucked up family situation and how it really burdens me during the holidays. I can look back and say that I deserved different and how I would love to see what I would turn into with the perfect scenario, but overall I do have some sort of support system and that is what matters. More than anything I am thankful for my grandfather that passed away all too soon, but made the biggest impact on my life and is by far the best person I have had the privileged of knowing.

Wretched Cunt of an Ex-Girlfriend - Why am I thankful for her? Without going through the details, I wouldn't be the person that I am without the bull shit that she put me through. The only regret I have is that I let it go on for so long. Eat a dick slut. And yes I do mean it this time. Oh and the fact that I don't get to see my dog anymore makes you a fucking horrible person that I hope gets what is coming to you. Bitch.

My Large Feet - Think about it..........

HD Channels - Although my grandmother hasn't bought into the "fad", I am thankful that I don't have to watch shitty SD anymore. Have you even tried it lately? It's like looking at TV through frosted glass while someone is punching you in the eyeball. Fuck.

LA Fitness - Although I never go, it does give me a gym membership to put on my keys so it looks like I give a shit about my health.

Apple - For giving me a reason to look like I'm working in a meeting while I am checking Twitter and playing Angry Birds on my iPad.

Last, but not least......Friends - without them I wouldn't be the person that I am today and without me, they wouldn't have a punching bag. If you don't have a solid stable of friends, then I suggest you do so ASAP.

I hope everyone enjoys this time and remember to appreciate what you have even if it's not necessarily what you want.

Poon

Testing......

Is this still active? Is anybody out there?
Aw who the fuck cares. I'll talk about the same thing even if no one is there to hear me.

With that said........I want Shannon Sharpe to do my into to AA speech. That is all.

Taint.

Were coming back......soon. No. Fucking. Kidding.

Poon

Location:Lorraine Ave,Dallas,United States

My Hit List of One

Have You Seen This Evil Ass Hat?

Your buddy, The Pickled Mick, has a new wallet. It has that "new wallet smell" of leather, the smell wallets get before they smell and taste like butt.

I normally celebrate these occasions. New wallet selection, for me, begins months ahead before there is actually a need to ensure wallet nirvana. I was not afforded this luxury this time. Why?

Picture it: East Texas, Saturday night. A boy and his friends return from a party after making a fried chicken run. Post payment, by your humble narrator, the wallet goes into the console rather than going through the extreme effort to return it to my back pocket. Clearly, it was far too much effort for your fried chicken, beer drinking scribe to lift his ass two inches off of the seat and slide that bad boy back into its well worn sheath.

Upon arrival at the crash pad, there is chicken and styrofoam coolers and backpacks and beer and hooker body parts (plastic and real) to haul into the house, leaving my precious fun ticket holder left alone in the console of the Mick-mobile.

Fast forward to the next morning. The interior of the car is in shambles. There are papers, receipts, and other debris scattered about. The change in my door handle, the fine cigars in my travel humidor, and my wallet. Gone.

This is a surreal moment in someones life. Knowing that it's gone, that it's stolen. Then, the panic of your tens of dollars being emptied out of your accounts, going for year long subscriptions to online porn and candle auction sites. The fact that my corporate credit card could have been used to buy a wife from oversees and knowing that I would never meet her or reap those benefits enraged me.

It didn't take me long to decide that it wasn't some computer savvy, identity stealing kid that has my wallet as, after reviewing the cards online, no purchases were made. No, this was worse. Far worse...

This is the kind of jerk-off, jack wagon that probably took my $100 cash, discarded the wallet, and emptied the fine cigars of all of their gorgeous tobacco and made it into a blunt. This thought alone is enough to make my melon explode. These weren't Phillies I had stashed, there.

My call to you, Downers and Distanters, is to keep a close eye out for any ass hole looking transients wheeling their shopping carts down the street carrying a wallet that smells like my ass and smoking a blunt wrapped in a precious Cabiguan Connecticut wrapper. This person will be swerving to the left, as if their left pocket was weighed down with $4.78 in assorted coins. If you see this man, kindly steer your car in his direction, line him up between the longhorns on your hood, crank up the 1992 Canadian Raggae hit "Informer" by Snow, and hit the gas.

Back at home, my new wallet has far more pockets and they are all empty. It's a tri-fold, which I'm not used to, but I will adjust. Don't you worry about me. I'm strong. Getting used to a tri-fold is one thing I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Oh yeah, sports. There's this if you haven't seen it: DidTheLakersGetSwept.com

Yours in Christ,
TPM

NFL Draft: 1st Round Coverage Wrap-Up

We do hope you've enjoyed our wall to wall coverage of the first round picks of the Cowboys and Redskins in the NFL draft for 2011. You may have noticed that we also threw in 2 (two!) coverage entries of the first pick of the first round. This is coverage that you get nowhere else, folks. Don't even try to find it anywhere else.

At this point, you are falling all over yourself to find the "Donate Now" link. Don't bother. We only take cash payments in dirty, thrice used envelopes under bathroom stalls.

Props to Poon to getting the Twitter feed to work. This man will stop at nothing to slowly inch Down and Distant into the bung hole of your social network consciousness like a reluctant prison bunkmate whilst sleeping.

Yours in Christ,
The Pickled Mick.

Redskins #10....Wait, They Did What?

Round: 1

Pick: 10 oh yeah, 16 because we don’t need a single person now do we?

SON OF A WHORE!!!! Yes, you read it right. The heralded LB Ryan Kerrigan is a son of a whore. Growing up to a family that adopted him in Taiwan, he struggled through life. His mother was constantly scrutinized for her son’s fascination with beating the hell out of his fellow town members. Thinking that this meant he was some sort of demonic being, his mother was whored out for trade. In 1993 while riding the captain of the pirate ship “Barnacle Scrubber 3”, one of the deck hands Tweeted Dan Snyder that he needed to come to Tijuana to see this kid when they docked. While knee deep in cocaine and hookers, Dan agreed that this kid was the most amazing athlete that he had ever seen. He took down the bouncers with ease and even killed a donkey on stage just so that he could show the crowd how it was really done.

Skill Set: While at the draft, NASA developed a new device on which to tell time because he was constantly finishing the 40 yard dash before the timekeepers could click the stopwatch. During the bench press he asked that they move the drill outside so that he could hook up the water towers to the end of the bar. Simply said, by far the best pick in the draft.

IQ: At first he was considered a risky pick because of his low score on the Wonderlic test. When he was informed of this, he drove to the Wonderlic headquarters to review the test. Once he was able to explain his answers, the Wonderlic Company immediately shut their doors and he developed his own company with the same name to preserve the integrity of the game. He proved to them that every question they had was given an incorrect answer. In short….he’s perfect.

Overall – He is a model citizen, best that the game has ever seen at his position, has already been contacted by the Pro Football Hall of Fame……make your own conclusion. Mine is easy. Getting his face tattooed on my face as we speak.

Cowboys #9... er... yeah, #9 Pick

Clearly the best pick of the draft! This fills EVERY need the Cowboys EVER had in the history of the franchise.

Name: Tyron Smith/ OT
School: USC

Skill Set: This guy clearly has better/faster hands than I do and can hit infinately harder. He runs the 40 faster than your average twenty-something and would likely anchor your team in your 4th of July back yard tug-o-war contest. Clearly better than 99% of the population of the United States at American Football, he now can say he makes more money than them, as well.

In the room: Will be shy at first, not wanting to shower in front of the professional boys. Gentle handling in the shower will bring him out of his shell. Other than that, should be a good room guy, unless he isn't.

General IQ: This guy is the smartest around when singing selections from Gerardos 1991 hit album "Mo Ritmo" by himself into a hairbrush alone in his bedroom room wearing nothing but a pair of tejano style cowboy boots.

Going at #9 in the draft suits him well. So well, in fact, that I expect him to wear that number next season, if it isn't taken.

Chris Berman Has AIDS

OK, he doesn't (or does he?) but I figured that saying Cam Newton has had a house in Carolina for 6 months would be boring to read. Welcome to the "I owe you" draft fellow NFL fans. We will keep you posted throughout the night on developments on trades.....wait no trades........surprises......probably not actually.

Well who gives a shit. It's a Thursday night and The Office doesn't start for a bit. What else do you have to do?


Poon

Checking In...

I'm punching my D&D timecard to check in for tonight, this night of the draft. I bring to the table a vast lack of knowledge regarding college football players and I hope I get more entertaining as the drinks flow. As it stands, I've only had three beers.

1st Pick: Cam Newton and his pink tie, forever cementing his legacy as a bust, no matter what level of mediocrity he rises to in the NFL.

If this holds my interest (and I don't switch to basketball or porn), I will check back in.

Clocking out, biznatches, I'm on my break.

Chandler Puts the D in Mavericks...Wait...

I will absolutely not downplay the role that Tyson Chandler played in the game 5 win on Monday..not at all. 20 rebounds is nothing to laugh at, especially with 13 of them coming off of the offensive boards. With that said, one person does not win games. If you are a Mavs fan then you felt not comfort when they were up by 13 with less than 6 minutes left. What was different from that Saturday abortion of a game? Other than the fact that I wasn't on eBay looking for a used noose, team D. Get used to it fans. Team D is here to stay. With the embarrassment that the team and city had to withstand until the win on Monday, Carlisle made it no secret that this team was focused on closing games. Period.

Gross.

Anyways, watch for more of the same tomorrow and less of the legless wonder Brandon Roy.

Poon

NFL to Down and Distant: Who Are You Again?

As the NFL lockout continues to drag on and more people are finding that baseball is worse than an ass kicking from this guy, we at D&D struggle to make it through these hard times. Not only with content, but with our sanity. Nothing can be closer to a kick in the 'ol sand bags than telling a "sports blog" that really only knows football that they have the possibility of having no material for the next 12 months. Thanks a lot Bin Laden. Content is slow, but coming sooner than later.

With that said, hold steadfast and don't bail on us just yet. New Twitter feed is up, Facebook page is....well Facebooky. Hell we may even put ads on here so you can pay for our website hosting. Lord knows you don't give us the emotional support we need.

Keep the dream alive.

Poon

ESPN, Hello Kitty and a Failed Howey Mandel Game Show....

What do these things have in common? I despise them all. I'm sorry Hello Kitty, but you have run your course as my sheets, towels and pillow cases and we shall have to part now. The last substantial thing that Howie did was that show where he made a world with this kid named Bobby and he was Bobby's voice doing crazy things in his own world. I think it was called "Shitty Kid Show for Kids that Can't Afford to Watch Wild and Crazy Kids on Nickelodeon". Thanks mom.

The first thing on this post should catch you off guard. I have found myself watching less and less ESPN over the past few months. Could it be because football season is over? Yes, but that would be a really short fucking post now wouldn't it? What is taking it's place you may ask? Sitcoms. Fucking sitcoms. And I'm not talking about the ones that are fads that everyone watches like the new John Ritter one, but the good ones. Underrated ones. Netflix recently added numerous old sitcoms to their lineup like Cheers which can keep me entertained at least for a while. What has really helped me through this transition is Arrested Development. If you haven't seen it yet, please do. You will not be disappointed.

I know you are thinking "wow. Poon is about to lay something good on me and I will be sold on this show faster than Robinson gives up on learning to tie his shoelaces.". Welp you're wrong bitch. Watch AD and thank me later.

What really turns me off of ESPN is the complete lack of effort now days. I had to hear about the Carmelo Anthony trade for the better part of an hour last night. Yes that is par for the course due to the high profile teams and players, but did they really have to beat it into my head that they had to interrupt Jalen Rose's dinner at Applebees to get his input? Who gives a shit? Do I care how much foot pounds of pressure Ray Lewis hits with? No. I want to know more about how he murdered someone and didn't even get a fine! Dude he seriously killed someone.

Bring back Olberman and Patrick and we will talk. Until then keep your Red Sox/Yankees bias. Keep your LeBron James bias. Keep your NFC East bias. Keep your........aw who the fuck cares about hockey.

Sincerely,

Excellence in Sports Poonformance Network

Location:Waimea St,Frisco,United States