Monday, December 20, 2010

d&d Letters to Santa - Hairy Carrey

Dear Santa,

For 47 years I have defended you and subjected myself to the opprobrium, scorn, and contempt of friends. When you fucked up and didn’t bring me the GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip—yeah, I was disappointed, but my foster-mom said that that Malibu Ken was a reasonable facsimile. And I bought it. But now………fuck.

I just read you got your ass fired at a mall for telling shitty jokes. That is some embarrassing shit. You work one day a year—and you can’t come up with some good material? Well, I’ve got your fat ass covered on last time, and then you are on your own. When you go back to the mall tonight try dropping a few of these beauties on the kids—they will love it:

Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

Q: How do you kill a retard?
A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"

Q: Why can't Jesus eat m&m's?
A: Because he has holes in his hands.

Q: What’s black, white, and red all over and doesn’t fit through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head.

Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions...

Well, that’s all I got for you, old man. Until then, bring me some good shit for under the tree.


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