Free at Last, Free at Last!!!!!

My favorite comedy of all time.

Boy my ass hurts. Thanks guys for not putting up the ransom and letting me stay there all day. Seriously? He wanted $20 and a pack of Funyons. Let me preface this by saying that I have not seen any games today.
Do you not know that running this empire is more than just witty humor and constantly proving to everyone that you are the all knowing sports God? There is a lot more that goes into this than that. We have to…….well do other stuff. It’s hard to explain. Shut it. For instance this week I have been touring West Texas signing computer monitors for some of our winners from our inaugural “Angriest Beaver” competition. I would also like to take this opportunity to say congrats to my mom for winning. It’s a lot angrier than I remembered. I think that I still have hairs caught in my teeth from birth.
I have been thinking since the brackets were announced about how much of a complete ass I made of myself last year. I will still not give up on the double elimination brackets. With that said, I am here this year to redeem myself.
Let me get the shit out of the way that I don’t care about. Tossed salads (overrated, believe me I know), soap on a rope (defeats the purpose of our d&d group shower time) and dingle berries.
As far as the bracket is concerned, not only will I fully predict all of the winners from the West, but I will also predict the scores. UCLA will get into a much closer game then you might think with Miss Valley State. UCLA 87-76. With Duke going against Belmont….wait, who? Isn’t that a horse track? Well, whatever. Either way, Duke beats Barbaro U 83-64. Now are you ready for the Poon Blue Balls and a Cold Shower Bracket Buster Pick of the Year. Georgia got hot at a perfect time of year. They played 4 games in 3 days to win their tourney and they will pull off the biggest upset of the year when they defeat Xavier 76-72. Mark it mofos. As much as I hate UConn, they will beat San Diego worse than Urban Meyer beats his wife. Its true. Spread the word. 92-78. Now talk about a game that I don’t give two rotten hairy taints about. Drake will beat Western Cuntucky 68-65. If I had to make another prediction about that game, I would say that both teams get flat tires and we don’t have to waste time on SportsCenter watching the highlights. To Drake and WKU you get my Suck It award of the year. Although Baylor is known for killing people, they will not kill Purdue. P-U 82-68. I see another upset with Arizona giving WVU the Superman 79-71. For the last of the first round, I see the first and only all white school in America beating the Aggies 88-84.

This leaves the second round with UCLA vs. BYU, Drake vs. UConn, Purdue vs. Georgia, and Arizona vs. Duke.
Bill Walton will completely destroy Ty Detmer 83-68. For the love of God, get Drake out of this tourney. UConn does it in tremendous fashion winning 93-77. D.J. Shockley gets hit with another tornado and goes down on Gene Keady……deep. 88-74. Of course Duke will eliminate Arizona 91-77.

Thirds anyone? Yes, please. Less cream this time….my sheets are getting sticky. I don’t know what that means either. UCLA vs. UConn will prove exactly who is the better of the “U’s” as if any of us care. UCLA 81-79. Duke moves on easily over Purdue 77-69. (giggle)

Are we done yet?
Like you didn’t see this coming? Duke pulls off the upset when Bobby Hurley and Tyrone Hill have to fill in for the aching starters. They slap that stupid golden C off of the Bruins shirts and move onto the Final Four 74-66.

GO DUKE!

Poon (aka white Jesus)

Ballin' Update:

We just heard from Poon. Well not exactly. We heard from “Representatives” of Poon. Anyway he’s been unavoidably detained. We fully expect to get a basketball post out of him, if and when the Ross Perot financed raid on the compound, where we think Poon is being held, completes. Of course, he’ll have hindsight in his favor, so he’ll probably get a bunch of today’s game correct. That is if he’s alive and/or is bung isn’t too agitated.

By the way, we don’t bargain with these bastards. That is unless they have beers, of course

More news at 11.

PK out

More Expert Pickery

Detroit

Photo courtesy of the cover of the

Detroit Chamber of Commerce 2007 Annual Report

I get to pick the Midwest regional, which culminates with games in Detriot. Blech. This bracket picking is always a little dicey for me. Here’s how my pickage usually goes. I start by selecting the winners in the first round with complete disregard to whom I think might eventually win the region. Most non-morons might go the other way and pick the region winner first and then work backwards. Not this moron.

So I can wind up at with a Sweet 16 match up of perennial powers like Cal State Fullerton and UMBC (whoever the fuck that is. Merchant Marine Academy or something?)

So it’s no wonder why I continually suck complete ass at this, in spite of my earlier boasting. You should know by now not to believe everything you read. But because you are reading this here blog, you may not be the brightest bulb anyway. I digress.

Here’s how the Midwest will go. I hope you haven’t filled out your bracket yet, because this shit it going to be gold this year. Bank. On. It.

The "win one and done" crew in the Midwest will consist of the following.
Kent State – Insert 70’s protest joke here.
Siena - I got nothun for you on this. Never heard of 'em
UNLV – Danny Ganz told they ain't got it.
GTown – I know! I'm crazy like this.

The regional final:
It’s Tourney underdog and holder of the dream Davidson, who offs Georgetown in the 16, facing Kansas coming off a win over Nova. I’ve got Kansas advancing to the Final Four in a thriller over the Mighty Mite Davidson. And by thriller I mean something really close at the end with Davidson having a chance to win at the buzzer. Say 59 -57. ish.

Take it to the bank. However if I’m wrong, don’t forget that I have the keys to d&d and can come in here and edit this like crazy. Don’t think I won’t do it.

Tomorrow, Poon.

PK Out

Da Souf Reegun

Ed: Our face full of NCDoubleA Hoops Pickery continues. Up next, Hairy Carrey. (Short on social graces but LONG on dong.) HC, the dais is yours. Your South Region picks please.

Let’s forget calling this the “South” region, and just see it for what it is. This is the “White Trash” regional—hands down. Just look at the shit-hole towns these poor bastards have to play in. Little Rock—nuff said. Denver—home of snow, more snow, and John Elway and his “eat corn on a cob through a chain link fence” teeth. Anaheim—home of the “Mighty Ducks”—by far, the lamest team name in all of sports (next to Wolverines). Worst yet, if you win two games in those corn-hole towns, you get to go to Houston. Beaner City. Might as well make the poor bastards swim across a river to qualify. No worries. Survive Houston, and it is on to the Alamo. How about playing the Final Four in America, for Christ’s sake?

That being said, the games will go down like this:

Memphis dispatches UT-Arlington and Mississippi State before being knocked out by rising Pittsburgh. After thrashing Cornell, Marquette, and Texas, Stanford meets Pittsburgh for the trip to San Antonio. Brains beat brawn in this one as Stanford and its twin towers head to the Alamo. Ironic, huh? The 7 foot Lopez brothers lead Stanford to the Alamo.

Hairy Carrey Out

Big Dancing

Ling from HR can't stand the hostile work environment

I know everyone remembers how much ass I kicked last year in the NCAA Pickery. My excellence was confirmed as I was summarily ousted as the anchorman for this year’s 65 team orgy. I guess it’s only fitting that in this day and age of every kid getting a gold star to protect fragile egos. You wouldn’t believe the tension at the Global d&d Headquarters over this decision. Hairy Carrey and Poon pulled the plug on the office interwebportal-htmls until they got to pick their favorite regions, Savant sat Indian style (his politically incorrect term – we prefer “Feather-not-Dot-style”) in the break room and held his breath until he was assured that he’d get his way and if Pork Chop didn’t get to fire the final shots this year he threatened to run nothing but his colonoscopy post over and over until 2010. Fine. Pussies.

So this is how this year’s NAACP NCAA Pickery will go. Each contributor will pick his region as stated below and PChop will follow with the pickage from the 8 forward as he sees fit. The rules are there are no rules or crying.

UNC Region – Savant
UCLA Region – Poon
Kansas Region – PK
Memphis Region – Hairy Carrey

And again, PorkChopU gets the clean up. Just like when he worked in the “Theater” at “that” truck stop on Route 23.

First up. Savant. The floor is yours.

PK Out.

Smooth Sailing for the Tar Heels?

Once again, North Carolina is wearing a target as a #1 seed (no team has been a top seed more often), but don't feel too bad for the Tar Heels. Of all the #1 seeded teams, they appear to have the clearest path to the Final Four in San Antonio.

Although there appears to be a lot of mismatches in the East, a closer look reveals several tempting upset picks as the #4, #5, and #6 teams all face difficult testers in the First Round. Let's start with Washington State vs. Winthrop, which seems like a lay-up for the Cougars - until you consider Winthrop has been an almost yearly fixture in the tournament in recent years (this is Winthrop's 4th consecutive bid…not too shabby). In addition, the game will played in Denver - which is pretty close to a neutral court - which means Winthrop will have the crowd behind it. As such, I'm taking the Eagles.

Notre Dame is the 5th seed in the East Region and will play the Patriots of George Mason (you know - the green and gold team that beat UConn to advance to the Final Four in 2006). The savvy NCAA fan will, of course, know a #12 ALWAYS beats a #5 (last year was the only exception to this rule). This match-up, however, will not end in an upset victory, but the #6 vs. #11 game will provide another bracket buster as Saint Joseph's will prevail over the Oklahoma Sooners. I believe the Hawks will borrow some magic from another East region team, Boise State, and run the Statue of Liberty play on the Sooners!

Other First Round winners in the East Region include: North Carolina, Indiana, Louisville, Butler, and Tennessee and I think the four Sweet Sixteen teams will be: North Carolina, Notre Dame, Louisville, and Tennessee (although I am nervous about picking the Vols over Butler). From there, I think the Tar Heels will easily handle-up on the Irish playing in front of a partisan crowd in Charlotte…and I think Louisville vs. Tennessee will be an absolutely fantastic game in the other Regional Semifinal - with Tennessee squeaking by...

That gives us a Regional Final of Tennessee vs. North Carolina and, although I picked the Vols to win the whole thing several weeks ago, I'm going with the Tar Heels. If Tennessee had been in any other region, I would have picked the Vols to advance to the Final Four, but the Selection Committee didn't do them any favors by seeding them behind UNC in the Charlotte bracket.

So…I say UNC is the Beast from the East.

Savant Out

Weekends are Fun

In keeping with the time honored tradition of “The Insert the Blog Name Here Photo contest we’re having our own. Actually, this was started back when Savant and Pork Chop worked together at the Ann Arbor Daily Shopper Picayune Gazette. That feature didn’t last long as they only had one camera and the back was stuck so they couldn’t get the film out.

Anyway, here’s the deal. Pretty simple. We put up a photo and over the weekend you get to create a funny little caption. Actually just put anything down. Seriously. We all know that Poon is the keeper of the Funny and we are merely ass-sniffers compared to him but everyone plays here.

Go.

We'll get you started.

"Are we too late for dime dog night?"

or

"Strike"

Ok, your turn.

Up next from d&d...."You write it!"

PK out

PAYING FOR IT

OK - we've all been there…you reach a point where you're either in the midst of a desperate dry-spell -or- you're sick of banging the one you're with -or- you need some anal action or role-playing involving a Jim Tressel mask and a pair of oven mitts…whatever...you think maybe hiring a hooker would be a good idea. down and distant understands your plight. We have all been there before (and by "we" I mean "Pork Chop U" - the rest of just whack-off), but, seriously, what in the hell was New York Governor Eliot Spitzer thinking!! If - and I mean IF - we were going to spend cash on some tail, I'm not sure anyone at d&d would agree to upwards of $1,000 an hour. It has been reported that Spitzer spent upwards of $80,000 on hookers during the last several years. $80 LARGE are you kidding me??

(editorial interruption)

PK: Savant, you need to see this before you make plans for this weekend!

Savant: Dude, I am busy composing a new post. What's so damn important that I have to see before….HOLY SHIT!

(back to the post)

So as I was saying, women with style and grace need to be treated as such and I have heard good things about The Emperor's Club. Take Maya, for example. Clearly the time of someone with an electrifying presence can't be had for a mere high three figures! I think Spitzer was on to something after all...

I wonder what airfare to L.A. is going for today? Mental note: better rub-out that easy one first.


War hot hookers!

Savant Out.

SNOT

Another typical Ohio winter—60 degrees one day, 20 degrees with snow the next. I’m telling you, it just ain’t good for your health. So there I was, head filled with more fluids than Linda Lovelace after a hard day on the set. Couldn’t breathe, head achin’. So I call dear old Mum—who else do you call when you’re under the weather. “Zicam”, she says. “Works like a charm and worth every penny.” Well, I tried the stuff, and—well—I’ll just let my letter to the the manufacturer speak for itself:


Dear Zicam LLC;

I have been congested and feeling like hell for three days. I am on an antibiotic and a steroid spray to treat a sinus infection--no relief. My mom called from Florida to recommend your product. As Mom always knows best, I dragged my sick, tired, and stuffed up head, along with the rest of my sorry carcass, to the local CVS to purchase your product. Found it straight off--so far so good.

Opened box--check. Read directions thoroughly--check. Pulled red tab to remove seal from completely wrapped bottle--danger, Will Robinson. Red stripe breaks after unwrapping half of bottle. Worked for another 5 minutes to get frickin' bottle unwrapped--this is wrong--just wrong. Can't breathe, can't get stupid wrapping off bottle. I am a reasonably active, coordinated 44 year old. When I turn 80 I might as well just stumble out into the cold and wait for the dark angel cuz there's no opening that bottle when I am a geezer.

Success at last--aided by a fork, the bottle is open. Following the directions, I "prime pump by depressing several times". The third and fourth pumps emit a stream of gel that hits my kitchen ceiling. While the sound that it made while hitting said ceiling was somewhat pleasant, the task of climbing onto a chair in my head-ready-to-implode state was understandably dangerous, but what is a guy to do?

Finally pumped your product into my nostrils (with, I must add, some trepidation, given the force with which your product hit the aforementioned ceiling). Perhaps what occurred next should have been expected. Perhaps, after enduring several days of stuffed, sore, raw mucous membranes, I should not have gotten the "cooling menthol" intense sinus relief, and gone with the "soothing aloe" instead. But I come from the school of thought that eschews a "mild laxative"--hell, when I'm constipated, I want RELIEF! So, following that theorem, I went with the menthol. Wow.

Even now, 20 minutes later, neighborhood dog owners are still consoling their crazed canines, whose sensitive ears are still ringing with the high pitched screaming that emanated from my residence. The good news--some combination of chair climbing and screaming (and perhaps your medication) has cleared my sinuses for the first time in three days.

So allow me to thank you for your fine product. I am not certain if this is how it is intended to work, but I will be sure to recommend it to all of my sinus challenged friends.

Sincerely,

Hairy Carray
Columbus, Ohio


You know what? Those tools sent me a fuckin’ coupon. I inhaled the napalm those bastards pass off as a natural remedy, and they send me a lousy fucking coupon. Take my word for it. Instead of buying this shit, dip a rag in kerosene, stuff it in your nose, and light it. Word.