HAPPY VD

Retred of previously posted article by Savant - Good luck tonight big boy. Here's hoping you get to knock the bottom out of it tonight.

Buckeye Savant: Takes a break as a Full time chick magnet and part-time taint model

to share some very important tips on bagging "The Babes"

OK, boys, listen up! We here at Down and Distant are always looking-out for the common man. That's right, Joe Average, we've got your back - and to prove it, we are offering you these manly suggestions for Valentine's Day. You want to score with Jane Doe? Aside from the fact that Kobe already "hit that" a long time ago, we're all for it. Just follow these simple steps and you'll be ears deep even before the roofies kick-in:

1. Think positive. The ladies love a confident man so give yourself some quality self-affirmation with a little pre-date pep talk. Repeat any of these mantras: "I will remember to wash my butt crack," "I will be sophisticated and order white zinfandel," or "I am in control…baseball, baseball, baseball."

2. Never tell the truth. Aside from dropping the oh-so-obvious "Canadian girlfriend" line, embellish all you want, but plan ahead so she can't call you out on it later. Some good lies include: exaggerated high school sports accomplishments ("I would have been All-State if I hadn't broken my coccyx"), completely made-up celebrity run-ins ("I had drinks with Evel Knievel"), and how you broke-up with a really hot chick because she wasn't pretty "on the inside." Bad lies might include embellished penis size - length and/or girth and, well, I guess that's pretty much it for bad lies.

3. Dress to impress. Truth be told, there are two distinct schools of thought on this one - dress like you really want to get laid -or- dress like you don't give a damn. If you want to get laid, rock a great pair of jeans with an expensive shirt and a good tasteful watch. Also, match your shoes and belt, dumb ass - and apply copious amounts of a good cologne not called Brut, English Leather or anything with Karate in the name. If you are dressing like you don't give a damn, be sure to look like you don't give a damn ON PURPOSE. Avoid, at all costs, dark socks with non-athletic shorts, corduroy pants, and excessive gold jewelry. By "excessive." we mean "any."

4. Gift buying. Once again, there are two distinct strategies. First, good gifts - which include non-turquoise or non-cubic zirconium jewelry, flowers sent to her at work (so everyone sees them at her desk), and a certificate for a day at the spa. Bonus points for SPECIFIC spa certificates - like $50 toward a Brazilian or $25 toward clearing a landing strip. Next bad gifts - which are really good gifts...for YOU! Our suggestions include: a Sony Playstation (with Madden 2008), some seriously naughty lingerie, new best seller “Now Go Make Me a Turkey Pot Pie Bitch and other Post-Coitus Recipes for a Man” or a 12-month subscription to Barely Legal.

5. TIVO. We understand that you’d rather be home on the couch watching sports on TV than going out to Chez Suckhole restaurant. But that’s the genius of Tivo. You’ll be able to feign enjoyment of your wedge salad and Poached Salmon a la Crap for two, know that you viewing pleasure is ensured for later. You won’t have to miss American Idol, Ultimate Fighting and Grey’s Anatomy Spurs at Pistons.

So go forth, Man. Follow these steps, drive the lane and score dammit! SCORE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Please be sure to tell us about it too. As some of us are married and will most likely be at home on the couch watching Spurs at Pistons American Idol, and will need the vicarious boner.

Okaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!!

Lord what's wrong with me? I have been sitting on this for the better half of a week. What kind of excuse do I have for breaking this story so late? Squirts? No, that won't work. Busy with work? Keep trying. Computer problems? Yes, that's good, I'll roll with that. Why am I typing every word I am thinking? Shit. I like grizzly men. Really? That's odd. I never knew that before. You do now. Who was that? It's your subconcience. Why are you here and why the hell am I still typing everything I think? I don't know, your the dumbshit working the fingers. Just get to the story and shut the hell up. OK. OK.

This just in to the D and D home office laptop while I'm dropping the deuce...John Amaechi has come out of the closet. The greatest NBA center of all time random black man that played basketball emerged from his closet this week, saw his shadow and now that fucker has cursed us with 6 more years of gayness. With an exclusive statement with D and D Amaechi said this..
"Who are you guys again? Oh, and I'm gay. HOLLAAAAAAAA!!!!"

In a related story, Punxsutawney Phil confirmed reports this week that he in fact is gay. This started an uproar among the Christians of this great land and now they are refusing to take his advice. Rev. Lucy Furr had this to say,
"Fuck that little gay rat, I'll start spring when I feel like it."
D and D "A little harsh language there rev."
Rev. "Oh, sorry. I meant God hates gays and that rat will burn in hell. Praise Jesus."

Phil had this to say
"Who are you guys again? Oh, never heard of you. Anyways I have been coming out of the closet every fucking year since 1886. What is wrong with you people. And why aren't you wearing pants?"

With that, The pantless D and D crew took off drunk through the streets of Punxsutawney while children yelled "look Phil is coming out of his hole!"

Poon