My Last Will and Testament

Well it's come to this. After surviving so may of life's trials and tribulations, antique mirrors and minivans, whiskey benders and vodka morning afters.....it is with great disappointment that I have fallen to what I can only describe as AIDS a mixture of bronchitis, flu and sinus infection. 48 hours after my diagnosis, I found myself going in and out of consciousness in a strange hospital room with multiple doctors hovering over me shaking their heads in disbelief. Blood samples, x-rays, stool samples, semen mouthwash.....they tried it all and finally came to the conclusion that there was nothing more that they could do to help out and it was best to make me as comfortable as possible for my final few days. My last request was that they allowed me to write my proud and loyal followers to say my final farewells.



The following contains legally binding information that must be carried out per the last will and testament of "Poon". The official documents have been notarized and will be mailed upon my death.


To my Down and Distant Co-Founders:
I bequeath 100% of my forth-coming profits from http://www.thisguyisadouche.com/ to reinvest in http://www.downanddistant.com/. In the event that I am behind on my payments to the web host, please catch those up and if there is anything left, then you all must go into the closest 7-11 together and buy a pack of gum, gay porno and XL rubbers. When you get to the clerk, as if the rubbers are the biggest ones that he has. He will reply yes. Proceed to reply, "Well, shit. Then where are your trashbags?" Failing to follow through with this request will result in you acquiring all of my funeral costs which should end up somewhere in the $100's of dollars once you burn me down enough to fit into a Nike shoebox with the new Jordan's inside. I expect you to pay for those also.


So it shall be done.

To my Down and Distant Followers:
I bequeath the timeline of my Twitter and Facebook accounts. Whenever there is a day that you miss me retweeting meaningless information from Drew Magary or What The Fuck Facts, please go back through and laugh and what used to be. It will never go away and seeing that I have over 1000 tweets, you shouldn't run out of shit to look at for a while. When you run out of that, proceed to http://www.meatspin.com/ and count to 1 million. Once you run out of that, congratulations! You are gay. Quit thinking about me now.


So it shall be done.


To All The Girls I've Loved Before:
Welp, you pretty much got the gift that you deserve. You're welcome. Remember you cannot sue someone that is dead. Get checked.
Oh and #16, the video is in my sock drawer. You can't access it......but everyone that knows where I lived out my remaining days can. It will be posted online soon for your viewing pleasure.


So it shall be done.


To Outstanding Creditors:
Die. Please continue to call me on all phones possible. If you would like, you can stuff my ashy shoebox with threatening letters. That may make you feel better. I'll make sure to tuck in a little arsenic in the shoe soles in case you feel froggy.


So it shall be done.


To KMD:
Thank you for a hell of a run and I'm sorry to leave things unfinished. You can have 50% of what is left in my 401k along with any crap laying around my house. This is contingent upon the fact that you are required to instruct the doctors to name the disease that I end up dying from "The Hawk Flu" and I will only be known as "Case 1". For the other 50%, you must track down said "Hawk", behead him with a knife blessed with the blood of a sacrificed lamb and stick his head on a pole on top of my grave.


So it shall be done.


To My Friends:
Jesus, what else can I give. I mean I'm fucking dead for Christ's sake! Ok. I have 4 tickets to the Rangers/Red Sox game in July. Already paid for and waiting at the house. The first 16 people must seed themselves bracket style and face off one one one (highest seed to lowest seed) drinking Ipecac. First one to throw up is out until 8 is left. In the round of 8, you must face off one on one (highest remaining seed to lowest remaining seed) and eat a full meat turtle that you must make on your own. For the round of 4, you must face off one on one (highest remaining seed to lowest remaining seed) backs to each other each with a single slice of bread and gay porno playing on the TV. The first one to finish on his respective bread wins and the other person must eat said lubricated slice of bread. For the final round, the last two remaining players must play a round of Crab Hair Roulette. One of the players that have already lost, must shave their pubic hair and wrap it in an uncooked corn tortilla and wrap it in foil. They must also make 5 additional uncooked tortillas with brussel sprouts inside and wrap in foil. The person to choose the Crab Hair Tortilla wins the tickets. Congratulations.

So it shall be done.

To Whomever Is Left:
I freeze dried my semen in my fridge in the garage. Do whatever you may like with it. Start a future generation, put it on top of ice cream, fuck snort it like it the shittiest cocaine you have ever had for all I care. Just get that gross shit out of my fridge.

So it shall be done.



I wish you all the best in your endeavors for the rest of your lives and Godspeed. If I will leave you all with one thing, please click on the link below. Do this in remembrance of me.


Man Rides Fire Extinguisher on Subway



Love From Beyond the Grave,

Poon