Free at Last, Free at Last!!!!!

My favorite comedy of all time.

Boy my ass hurts. Thanks guys for not putting up the ransom and letting me stay there all day. Seriously? He wanted $20 and a pack of Funyons. Let me preface this by saying that I have not seen any games today.
Do you not know that running this empire is more than just witty humor and constantly proving to everyone that you are the all knowing sports God? There is a lot more that goes into this than that. We have to…….well do other stuff. It’s hard to explain. Shut it. For instance this week I have been touring West Texas signing computer monitors for some of our winners from our inaugural “Angriest Beaver” competition. I would also like to take this opportunity to say congrats to my mom for winning. It’s a lot angrier than I remembered. I think that I still have hairs caught in my teeth from birth.
I have been thinking since the brackets were announced about how much of a complete ass I made of myself last year. I will still not give up on the double elimination brackets. With that said, I am here this year to redeem myself.
Let me get the shit out of the way that I don’t care about. Tossed salads (overrated, believe me I know), soap on a rope (defeats the purpose of our d&d group shower time) and dingle berries.
As far as the bracket is concerned, not only will I fully predict all of the winners from the West, but I will also predict the scores. UCLA will get into a much closer game then you might think with Miss Valley State. UCLA 87-76. With Duke going against Belmont….wait, who? Isn’t that a horse track? Well, whatever. Either way, Duke beats Barbaro U 83-64. Now are you ready for the Poon Blue Balls and a Cold Shower Bracket Buster Pick of the Year. Georgia got hot at a perfect time of year. They played 4 games in 3 days to win their tourney and they will pull off the biggest upset of the year when they defeat Xavier 76-72. Mark it mofos. As much as I hate UConn, they will beat San Diego worse than Urban Meyer beats his wife. Its true. Spread the word. 92-78. Now talk about a game that I don’t give two rotten hairy taints about. Drake will beat Western Cuntucky 68-65. If I had to make another prediction about that game, I would say that both teams get flat tires and we don’t have to waste time on SportsCenter watching the highlights. To Drake and WKU you get my Suck It award of the year. Although Baylor is known for killing people, they will not kill Purdue. P-U 82-68. I see another upset with Arizona giving WVU the Superman 79-71. For the last of the first round, I see the first and only all white school in America beating the Aggies 88-84.

This leaves the second round with UCLA vs. BYU, Drake vs. UConn, Purdue vs. Georgia, and Arizona vs. Duke.
Bill Walton will completely destroy Ty Detmer 83-68. For the love of God, get Drake out of this tourney. UConn does it in tremendous fashion winning 93-77. D.J. Shockley gets hit with another tornado and goes down on Gene Keady……deep. 88-74. Of course Duke will eliminate Arizona 91-77.

Thirds anyone? Yes, please. Less cream this time….my sheets are getting sticky. I don’t know what that means either. UCLA vs. UConn will prove exactly who is the better of the “U’s” as if any of us care. UCLA 81-79. Duke moves on easily over Purdue 77-69. (giggle)

Are we done yet?
Like you didn’t see this coming? Duke pulls off the upset when Bobby Hurley and Tyrone Hill have to fill in for the aching starters. They slap that stupid golden C off of the Bruins shirts and move onto the Final Four 74-66.

GO DUKE!

Poon (aka white Jesus)

More Expert Pickery

Detroit

Photo courtesy of the cover of the

Detroit Chamber of Commerce 2007 Annual Report

I get to pick the Midwest regional, which culminates with games in Detriot. Blech. This bracket picking is always a little dicey for me. Here’s how my pickage usually goes. I start by selecting the winners in the first round with complete disregard to whom I think might eventually win the region. Most non-morons might go the other way and pick the region winner first and then work backwards. Not this moron.

So I can wind up at with a Sweet 16 match up of perennial powers like Cal State Fullerton and UMBC (whoever the fuck that is. Merchant Marine Academy or something?)

So it’s no wonder why I continually suck complete ass at this, in spite of my earlier boasting. You should know by now not to believe everything you read. But because you are reading this here blog, you may not be the brightest bulb anyway. I digress.

Here’s how the Midwest will go. I hope you haven’t filled out your bracket yet, because this shit it going to be gold this year. Bank. On. It.

The "win one and done" crew in the Midwest will consist of the following.
Kent State – Insert 70’s protest joke here.
Siena - I got nothun for you on this. Never heard of 'em
UNLV – Danny Ganz told they ain't got it.
GTown – I know! I'm crazy like this.

The regional final:
It’s Tourney underdog and holder of the dream Davidson, who offs Georgetown in the 16, facing Kansas coming off a win over Nova. I’ve got Kansas advancing to the Final Four in a thriller over the Mighty Mite Davidson. And by thriller I mean something really close at the end with Davidson having a chance to win at the buzzer. Say 59 -57. ish.

Take it to the bank. However if I’m wrong, don’t forget that I have the keys to d&d and can come in here and edit this like crazy. Don’t think I won’t do it.

Tomorrow, Poon.

PK Out

Da Souf Reegun

Ed: Our face full of NCDoubleA Hoops Pickery continues. Up next, Hairy Carrey. (Short on social graces but LONG on dong.) HC, the dais is yours. Your South Region picks please.

Let’s forget calling this the “South” region, and just see it for what it is. This is the “White Trash” regional—hands down. Just look at the shit-hole towns these poor bastards have to play in. Little Rock—nuff said. Denver—home of snow, more snow, and John Elway and his “eat corn on a cob through a chain link fence” teeth. Anaheim—home of the “Mighty Ducks”—by far, the lamest team name in all of sports (next to Wolverines). Worst yet, if you win two games in those corn-hole towns, you get to go to Houston. Beaner City. Might as well make the poor bastards swim across a river to qualify. No worries. Survive Houston, and it is on to the Alamo. How about playing the Final Four in America, for Christ’s sake?

That being said, the games will go down like this:

Memphis dispatches UT-Arlington and Mississippi State before being knocked out by rising Pittsburgh. After thrashing Cornell, Marquette, and Texas, Stanford meets Pittsburgh for the trip to San Antonio. Brains beat brawn in this one as Stanford and its twin towers head to the Alamo. Ironic, huh? The 7 foot Lopez brothers lead Stanford to the Alamo.

Hairy Carrey Out

You Poor Rich Bastards

As most of you have realized, I was pretty hammered when the last post was created. In my mind I knew what I was talking about and I think I had the right idea, just didn't get to the point correctly. At least I came home and blogged instead of eating $10 worth of fast food and miserably fail at a drunk candlelit masturbation session.........well at least I blogged afterwards.

Since we here at global headquarters are up on the newest happenings, I hear they had some sort of lottery in the NBA this week. Now we wait to see which shitty team has the honor of over-paying some 18 year old kid in the hopes that he can be worth a crap to them in a few years. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Michael Olowokandi and Sam Bowie (2 biggest draft day busts), but really it's the biggest crapshoot there is. I know that we have some good talent coming out this year in the form of Durant and Oden, but when it comes down to it they could be schooled by some 3rd round kid that actually stayed 4 years in college and fine tuned his game.

I'm looking forward to the draft and will be on here giving an update if my liver is cooperating with me. Hope all have a great Memorial Day weekend and make sure to pay Jesus a visit tomorrow so that he will watch over you on Monday. If for some reason you are like me and don't do the church thing, here is my favorite rendition of "O-Mazing Grace."




Amen.

Poon

Dallas is the Worst Team in the NBA......Seriously

Well the first round of the Western Conference Finals is tonight and just like I predicted, Golden State won only one more game. How is that possible after beating the best team in the NBA......or were they? I hate to admit it, but it's true. I was doing some research and I stumbled across a little information that I am going to put to use in the NBA. IF A=B & B=C, then A=C. Sounds fair enough. Don't contradict the laws of math. Let me explain.
-First, I will not count teams twice. This is because alot of teams could beat Denver and it wouldn't be fair.
-Second, a team must beat a team better than themselves.
-Third, I want comments but I actually don't care what you have to say. I am right.

	Beat Dallas	Other
Phoenix	3/14, 4/1
San Antonio	2-Nov
Detroit	7-Dec
Houston	4-Nov
Utah	12/11, 4/13
Cleveland		beat POR on 11/15 - POR over UTA
Chicago	25-Jan
Toronto		beat PHI on 11/8 - PHI over PHO
Denver	6-Apr
Miami		beat NJ on 11/3 - NJ over MIL - MIL over DET
Golden State	11/6, 3/12, 4/17
L.A. Lakers	7-Jan
New Jersey		beat MIL on 11/15 - MIL over DET
Washington	4-Dec
L.A. Clippers	8-Nov
Orlando		beat SEA on 11/8 - SEA over LAL
New Orleans		beat BOS on 11/1 - BOS over Hou
Indiana		beat NY on 11/4 - NY over GS
Philadelphia		beat PHO on 2/28
Charlotte		beat WAS on 4/3
New York		beat GS on 3/2
Minnesota		beat SA on 1/3
Sacremento		beat CHI on 11/3
Portland		beat UTA on 2/20
Seattle		beat LAL on 11/5
Atlanta		beat LAC on 1/6
Milwaukee		beat DET on 11/1
Boston		beat HOU on 2/26
Memphis		beat DEN on 11/28

You see? I am a genius and by my calculations Dallas should have been 2-80 this year; by far the worst record in NBA history. Why the 2 wins you ask? Well there is the possibility of them pulling out a last second win in either Boston or Memphis here and there so I gave them a couple of wins just to be fair.

Dirk POONwitski

The Inaugural LtCol. Bruce Crandall Honorary “Enormous Solid Steel Balls” Award.

Crandall's Huey at Ia Drang Valley - November 1965

This week President Bush awarded Bruce Crandall (Army LtC Ret) the Congressional Medal of Honor. The video below is a nice recap of the story by a local news station.

Crandall completed 22 flights in a 14-hour period on Nov. 14, 1965, most under intense enemy fire. His actions in the Battle at Ia Drang Valley were depicted in the 2002 movie "We Were Soldiers," adapted from the book "We Were Soldiers Once ... And Young."

So let me get this straight….Snake Crandall flew his Huey into extremely hot LZ X-ray bringing fresh men and supplies and taking out wounded not just once or twice. This iron-testicled one did it TWENTY-TWO times. He actually had to change aircraft twice as they were too jacked up from an unyielding hail of enemy fire.

For his bravery and selflessness Crandall was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor. (CMH) The highest honor a military man can receive. So revered that the highest ranking officer in the military will salute the Medal even it is occupying the chest of a lowly Private.

So it is for this man we name our Down and Distant Bruce “Snake” Crandall Honorary “Enormous Solid Steel Balls” Award. We will take it upon ourselves to bestow this honor on some sporting types. We know that there are likely a scant few in the world of sport whom are worthy of receiving an honor named for such a complete badass, but screw it. It’s our blog and we will do as we please, even if it is to make such a silly association as professional or collegiate sports to true heroism.

So on with the inaugural presentation. The Bruce “Snake” Crandall Honorary “Enormous Solid Steel Balls” Award goes The Ohio State University. tOSU is just about to cap off a basketball season as Big Ten Champions. Big deal? Well they did it last year too. Still not enough? How ‘bout that the football Buckeyes did it too. Two Years in a row. Big Ten haters will scoff, but hear this, ladies. Regardless of what you think of the conference, these teams spend their entire seasons kicking the shit out of each other. Coming out on top 2 years running in 2 1/2 sports is a pretty freakin’ amazing accomplishment. So suck it. (oh yeah, the Lady Buckeyes Basketball team won the conference 2 years straight too)

Congrats to you Ohio State. Please hold these “Enormous Solid Steel Balls”

NOTE: We will award the Enormous Balls periodically. Could be weekly, monthly or every 37 days. Pretty much whenever we feel like it. That's how we roll. Dig?