Poon on Films: "Oz: The Meh and Meh-erful"

"I'm scare of his review, Wizard"            "And I'm a horrible actor."

Welcome to Poon on Films. 

You are about to torch me. I'm aware. I'm OK with it. If you have already seen this movie, then it's the biggest stack of awesomecakes that you have ever taken in, you love Jesus and America and you think cold beer and guns not only go hand in hand, but is your goddamn rights as a human. And you are also blind and shallow. Now I'm not saying that I hate those things. Hell I love America, Jesus, cold beer and guns. I do not love this movie.  If you haven't seen this movie or if you have and are just open to not taking things at face value, please read on.  If you don't then who cares.  We post here when we want and you aren't making us any money.

First, this is NOT a bad idea.  A prequel to The Wizard of Oz is something that if brought in front of me for investment money would make sense.  "Hey you! Yeah you poor broke guy we for some reason want money from.  You want to invest in a prequel to The Wizard of Oz?"  "You bet your sweetass I do!"  As a matter of fact you couldn't get the money out of my account fast enough.  There has always been some unanswered questions on Oz itself although once the original movie is over and you realize it was all a dream, you don't give a shit.  Kind of like the fight scene in the last Twilight movie.  Once it wasn't real and you realized you wasted almost 3 hours watching bad actors talk through a bad script with no emotion or training and didn't even get to watch a bunch of undeads rip each other's heads off, you just give up on life and move on.  It DOES go along the lines of the book.  A story where Oz is a real place and not a dream.  That is if you believe that it was real before Dorothy showed up, but then she showed up and it was a dream so was it real or a dream or is it real and then she just dreamed about it and just happened to have the same characters?  OK.  Getting ahead of myself. 

So we get that the premise is good.  Here are the bad points.  Disney.  If this was produced by anyone other than Disney, it would have been ten times better.  A multi-billion dollar company doesn't become that way by being stupid.  Alice in Wonderland worked.  And it worked pretty damn well.  Should you do the same thing as many times as you can until the public tells you not to?  Yeah.  Probably.  And they did.  Sold their dirty Jew hating souls out and will make a shit-ton because of it.  If you go into this looking for an update on Disney's CGI and green screen equipment on their Mac's, then you are in luck.  The movie quickly turned from "Let's tell a story" to "They will probably like to see these shiny colors here so let's stick to it for an absurd amount of time".  So they did.  And they continued to for hours.  Of course it looked pretty.  Why are you talking to your computer reading this and how did you think I would answer?  It's just a give up to play into the shallowness and idiocradic society that goes to movies half drunk on a rainy Friday night.  (please see last Friday's forecast and my bar tab for reference)

The acting was goddamn atrocious.  I like Mila Kunis.  Heck I saw her boobies in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.  That has nothing to do with her acting, just bragging.  I have never thought she was a top tier actress, but she is good.  She plays her parts well.  For Oz, her part was a horrible actress that was stabbed in the back by family and holds it against another bad actor.  This particular film was her worst and probably one of the worst female acting displays I have seen.  Her co-star James Franco was equally as horrible.  No matter what point of this movie he tried to move us one way or the other, he failed to.  He was not believable in any aspect.  He had one shiny moment at the very end, but I almost give more credit to the porcelain doll than him.  The one actor I will give credit to (outside of the black midget dude from Bad Santa) is Michelle Williams.  She portrayed Glinda the Good Witch and was solid from start to finish.  And the fact that she gave f-me eyes each time she was on camera buys you extra points in my book.  Call me.

The last thing that made this move less than it should have been is that I was not Kennedy'd the second I walked out of the theater.  If you look into the timelines and the characters, you start seeing a few gaps. 

SPOILER-ISH ALERT-ISH! Because I'm not a dick, scroll past this paragraph if you don't want to see it.

I will give the benefit of the doubt on the timeline.  The movie basically starts with a tornado in Kansas in 1905 that ends up taking Oscar to Oz.  The book was published in 1900.  The movie came out in 1939.  There is no direction in the movie as to when it took place or the timeline of the tornado, but let's say that it happened in then current day.  So we have book 1900, Oscar tornado 1905, Dorothy tornado 1939.  I can buy that timeline, but TWO TORNADOES IN KANSAS IN 35 YEARS!?!??!??  WHO ARE YOU FOOLING?!??  OK, it may be legit.  We will not get into the actual timelines and just take it at face value.  In the 1939 film, The Wizard is portrayed as kind of a dick overall.  Someone protected and rules the land of Oz.  In the 2013 flick, he goes from being a manipulator and con man to someone that starts the whole smoke and mirrors to help the people of Oz.  "I will keep it here so anyone can come to me anytime they want" he says.  Hmm.  There is the Cowardly Lion and Scarecrow in both films.  If you remember, they were both part of Dorothy's family in the original so there is some gap as to how and why they are in both.  Were they real all along and Dorothy just saw them as particular people?  Was Oscar's real life really a dream and then Dorothy had a similar dream in a similar land with similar people?  Is this some twisted Inception 2 plot and I didn't know it? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE!!!

Overall it was a stretch at best.  Not a bad idea, bad company and actors.  It's a shame because it has a lot of potential.  How SHOULD you pitch this?

"So I've got an idea that I want you to invest on." 

"Go on..."

"We are looking to make a prequel to The Wizard of Oz that will outline where Oz came from and give deep character development so that when you watch the original it will build on itself and make the movie that much better to watch."

"Now THAT is a great effing idea!!!

"Aaaaaaand we are going to get a pretty good, hot actress and a big name actor to play the main roles and then a hot supporting actress that makes f-me eyes through the whole movie."

"MY GOODGODDAMMIT I'M GOING TO BE A TRILLIONAIRE!!!!!!"

What not to say?

1. James Franco

2. We are thinking of trying out this totes rad-ass CGI junk on my Mac and there is this new green screen we want to toy with.

3. For realz 3D stuff that we don't really need, but would be cool just 'cuz it's 3D.  THAT WAND WILL BE ALL UP IN YOUR EFFIN FAAAAAAAAAAACEE!!!!

4. But in all realzies, James Franco.......

Or you could just not be a elitist asshole and watch the movie without thinking about all of this crap and enjoy it.  I couldn't because I AM BETTER THAN EVERYONE EVER AND YOU ARE AN ELEPHANTS COLOSTOMY BAG!

Always following the yellow brick road,

Poon

The Worst Christmas Songs Of All Time

Oh it's that time again little ones.  The time of year where good 'ol Poon locks himself in his house, fully stocked on lubricant, whiskey and severed doll heads just so he doesn't have to get out into this hellish society we have created.  Here's the thing, I'm not opposed to Christmas.  I like giving shit to people and getting shit from people.  It's one of the few times of the year I have the opportunity to see someone truly smile.  Not a "hey nice to see you here" or "thanks for asking if I needed a refill" smile.  Not that.  The true "I cannot believe you had it in you to do something you knew would mean so much" smile. 

With that said, I hate the living shit out of Christmas music.  Pretty much all of it.  If I really felt lazy this evening I could even write down a list of ever Christmas song ever made and say each one was a tie for #1 worst ever.  I won't.  This may be tough to fight through, but here you go. 



10. Silver Bells

This has always sounded to me like we are at a funeral for someone named Silver Bells.  It's creepy as fuck.  Dreary.  Awful.  Love ya Bing. 

9. Oh Holy Night - Arcade Fire

So here is the thing.  I honestly don't know if this is real or not.  I looked all over the place and it seems to be fake, but I'm not an Arcade Fire fan so we will just say plausible.  If it is real, then may SantaGod have mercy on the poor souls that spent the time recording this.  If it is fake, then may ReindeerJesus take this down from the Internet or pierce my ears with a rusty needle.  Either way it's a win.

8. Santa Baby - Raelynn (and really anyone ever)

Always beaten my ass.  Especially when a young person does it.  Disturbing to whore your daughter out just because the song is popular with middle aged housewives that dream of having an affair with some fat bearded fuck.  The only goo version of course was done by Taylor Swift.  DON'T YOU DARE SAY A FUCKING WORD DIFFERENT YOU ASSDICK!

7. Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth

Oh Jesus fuck me........

6.  All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth - Your Mom

So you say I should give this poor child a break because she is cute or British or retarded or whatever.  I SAY THEE NAY!  NAY I SAY!!!  CHILD EXPLOITATION!!!!!

5. Let it Snow - Jessica Simpson

Not actually a horrible rendition of an awful song, but the fact that she may have actually filmed this against a green screen in her basement makes it on the list for pure lack of effort.  You need Nick back in your life sweetheart......

4. Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas is You

You did notice that this is the only one on this list where the artist is listed before the song.  Well good for you.  I am not a huge fan of this song overall, however, having to see what octave you are singing in by watching your hand go up and down while you death-grip your diamond encrusted microphone like it's Nick Cannon's baby arm is absolutely atrocious.  Did you also know that she kicks puppies in her spare time?  Look it up.  Hell trend it on Twitter.  #mariahkickspuppies

3. Christmas Don't Be Late - Alvin and the Chipmunks

Damn I love those bastards.  I just don't like when they fuck with me around Christmas.  Don't. Fucking.  Do.  It. 

2. Carol of the Bells

I get the fact that bells do in fact go "ding, dong, ding, dong" and I thank you for your reminder of that.  With that in mind, please stop.  The kids yelling this at me make me feel like I am taking part of a Children of the Corn ritual.  THEY WANT YOU TOO MALIKAI!!!!!

1. Wonderful Christmas Time - Paul McCartney
This video was hand crafted my the hand of Satan, sung with the tongue of Medusa and filmed through the eyes of that creepy guy from Poltergeist with the odd hat.  I don't really know why every store in America must play this in the checkout line while I wait behind some Hindu family breaking down a single basket into 16 different orders.  JUST GIVE THEM $6 FOR YOUR RICE AND BANANAS AND CALL IT A DAY!!!!!!

And here is a video of 3 hours of Christmas music just because I hate you. 



Oh and we just hit 10k page views. Merry Fucking Christmas.


Putting the ass in Christmas,

St. Pooncholas

How The Boys Beat the Bucs

So, as it turns out, there is actually a performance clause in my contract with Down and Distant.  So instead of going with "Plan A" which consisted of me cruising to retirement and not doing much, I am forced into "Plan B" which is "contribute".   So, seeing as I have to work for my beer money this weekend, I submit the following post.  I must warn you that some of these facts may have been stretched and there is at least one outright, blatant lie.  I will leave it to you to pick it out.  

After seeing Poons post about his lost weekend learning new terms like "bear" and "power bottom" in Chicago, I decided I was going to steal tickets to a Cowboys game and kidnap three random gringos to haul with me.  I made them call me "friend" and by the end of the day, proved Stockholm Syndrome works like a charm.  We will call these brave souls Richard, Johnson, and Peter.

The story begins (for most of us) at 8:45am as we triumphantly walk to our chariot, our cooler full of the raw materials for the Micks favorite daytime drink, the Red Beer.  I say the day started for most of us at 8:45, because one member of our travelling band, Richard, decided that Oktoberfest would be a great "pregame-pregame". As his truck came stumbling down the street, we could smell his alcohol infused pheromones from half a block away and as Richard poured himself out of the truck, he proclaimed that he was too drunk to think of a good excuse to back out of the days festivities. So here he was.  

We hop in the hoopty and head on down the road to Arlington, TX, the fun time capitol of DFW for sports and merriment.  This city also provides the best excuse to start drinking before 10am on a Sunday, if you need one.  

Relevant Quote: "You can't drink all day if you don't start early in the morning."

Pause for a Life Pro Tip: If you have read down this far, I am going to let you in on a pretty good parking secret should you venture down to Jerrys Death Star.  We found a small business that is a preschool during the week that whores its limited parking spots for 35 of your American dollars on game days. The best part about this is it is right across the street from Lot 15 which, if memory serves, is an $85 parking lot and puts you about half a mile from the stadium.  Not too shabby.  This place also allows for consumption on site.  They don't mind and old man Rufus, the attendant, is more than friendly.

Back to our story.  Peter, Johnson, Richard and I are standing outside the Mick-mobile in our newly rented parking space talking about the upcoming game and recent TV show marathons we have gotten sucked into.  I started talking about "How the States Got Their Shapes" and starting wowing them all by dropping all kinds of useless trivia on them.  I walked away from the group with my chest out in pride to get pour myself another red beer as I had surely left them reeling in wonderment at my superior knowledge of power grids and the Canadian border.  When I returned to the group, I found that the conversation had taken an awful, terrible turn.  

"I think I may have just shit myself" uttered by Richard was the first thing i heard upon my return.  How oh how did we stumble upon this conversation!?  I don't know if it was the beer talking but I was suddenly extremely jealous.  With that one statement, all attention had been drawn from my vast knowledge and onto Richard.  And here I was about to share with them that the Texas state capitol is deliberately 15 feet taller than the US capitol building.

The time came head to the stadium.  Super Secret Parking put us about a half mile from our gate so we had some time to people watch and get the stumble out of our sober.  Richard continued to be in a bad way, mumbling from time to time about "little infected poop needles" and the need to find a restroom.  

Now, Richard and Johnson are not big sports fans and like to make nonsensical comments about any event we attend.  As we waited in line to get into the gate, Johnson stated that we may not even get into the game until the "middle inning".  It was about this time that I saw a video board that showed a text short code to report unruly behavior.  I had a feeling I was going to need this to report myself as a preemptive effort.  This same Johnson would later comment upon an interception by the Dallas Cowboys that we just "hit a home run".  

After loading up on the maximum amount of beer allowable by the stadium, we proceed to our seats.  As you can tell from the photos, these were not bad seats by any stretch.  Sure, they could have been mid field, sure they could have been a little higher up to see all of the action on the field.  But in the end, not one of us had an issue with the view.  

It is at this point that I found out that Gangnam Style is now considered a Jock Jam, which I do not all the way disagree with.  

Some game stuff happened.

The scenery had moved on so we decided to do a little walking around to see the sights.  We went outside into a courtyard area and was greeted by a loud carny who proceeded to challenge our collective manhood and appeal to our inner show boat.  There was a truck, with blocking dummies attached to the bumper.  The idea is to push it ten yards to beat a pre-established time.  Easy enough.  My companions and I look at each other, shrug, and proceed to attempt our best impression of a three point stance.  Our first two efforts went well, I had forgotten how much fun blocking dummies were. Our best time was .5 seconds slower than the fastest time which encouraged us to keep going.  5 more times.  I am light headed at this point and need to stop.  

"Lets push a truck they said...  It will be fun they said....".  This is the reason that 2 days later my legs still hate me and my shoulder is sore something fierce. I am not 17 anymore.  I am still not all the way convinced that the game wasn't rigged and the e-brake wasn't on the whole time.  Carnies.  Never trust them.  It was out of this frustration that I proceeded to pick up the F150, Hulk Style, and heave it over the roof of Cowboys Stadium.  

Inside, football continued.

The consolation prize for trying to push a truck 10 yards was a Dallas Cowboys foam finger.  In my frustration, I grabbed my foam finger and bashed it against one of the tables outside like I was Billy Joe Armstrong on a drug bender making an ass of myself at a rock festival, breaking it in half. 

The foam finger excited Johnson to no end, however, and I believe it was the favorite part of the game for him.  From this point forward, he would point at people at random and shout "I have a foam finger!" every time people cheered around him. 

Things get hazy at this point.  By this time the game had started to wind down and we made our way out of the stadium and toward our ride.  We paused before the ride home to finish the beer that we had in our cooler.   If you ask me, our conversation was prim, proper, and in no way offensive to anyone.  if you were an outsider looking in, we probably more resembled monkeys grunting at each other and laughing uncontrollably.  

It was time to go, so we punched Peter in the gut until he was sober and slid him into the driver seat. Richard proceeded to promptly pass out and I have not heard from him since  He is presumed dead.  

And, dear reader,  that is the story of how the Dallas Cowboys beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers by a score of 16-10. 

Yours In Christ, 

PM

A Trip With The Chicago Bears

Not those Bears.....we will get there. Today is my first day of recovery after a 5 day trip to Chicago with a fellow Buckeye and one hell of a model American, Buckeye Savant. After about 18 hours of being home and a few gallons of water, I have a chance to look back at the trip and can really appreciate the fact that this was one of the best trips I have ever taken in my life.

When I first stepped off of the plane, I was greeted by the smell of stale mildewed carpet from a fraternity basement along with a gaggle of fat, derp-faced mouth breathers that you would only expect if you have ever seen any show that even mentions Chicago. Sometimes stereotypes aren't only right, they're necessary. A $60 cab ride later, I'm hunkered down at a local bar with a hell of a bartender that immediately understood what drink roulette was. Goose Island was her local brew favorite so we went through each and every one until Savant joins to partake. Now the bartender was not bad looking. Chicago hot at worst, hot hot at best. We will go hot hot. At the stroke of penis-o'clock, it's time to move elsewhere and meander our way to the local pizza place to dig into a pie. Not a let down at all and after some food and a few more....and more.....and more drinks, the night moves onto another local bar where we partake in Christ knows what. Making friends, enemies and stories along the way we work our way back to the hotel for some much needed sleep.

Early in the morning the sun rises. Just an FYI. It happens everywhere, but it happens in Chicago as well. Idiot.

ITS KISS DAY! ITS KISS DAY!!! Waking up 34% giddy from excitement and 66% hungover, the morning moves to Navy Pier to work through the bullshit part of the day before faces are melted. A bloody mary starts things off quite well and the fact that you can carry drinks with you just add on to the gloriousness of this city. A quick stroll and a Cheezeborger-nofries-chips at the Billy Goat lead into a trip to the Museum of Science and Industry. Get your learn on fuckers. That's what you need to know. Being someone with ADD, this was the perfect place to spend a few hours. Looking at skeleton dong, playing with fire and listening to the softest of whispers from a distant lover from across the room as if they were right behind me prepared me like nothing more for the evening. A quick stop by the 7-11 to get the pre-concert ingredients for a Bourbon Meyer and we are ready to roll. Although he will not read this, Finan is a bad motherfucker. Driver to and fro for this concert with his awesome girlfriend means that you are a solid dude in my book. Package that with a dude I would like to share some drinks with and hell, I may give you a hange if the highway isn't too lighted up. You know, because I'm classy. I don't want a trucker to see what I'm doing.

Stroll into the concert with beers in hand passing row by row....."excuse me"......"excuse me"........"excuse me".......until there isn't anyone else to say "excuse me" to. Because we are on the front fucking row. Motley Crue takes the stage in a fireworks display of naked whores and hard rocking, drunken, long-dicked motherfuckers that you would hope to the holy mother of Christ you get to be like one day. I will not. Not by a long shot. Being someone that was born in the early 80's, I didn't get much into Motley Crue or KISS in the beginning. I know their songs and enjoy "Wild Side" here and there. No bullshit that when I was on standby on the way home, I downloaded the shit out of both bands. No ballads. High powered, full throttle rocking for an hour put us in a place where we were never ready for this night to end. Chest pounding, adrenaline pumping, beer flowing. I could not get this sort of high trying to snort my way out of Lindsey Lohan's house....and believe me I've tried. And that was the opening act.

A quick piss and a beer later, we are back in the seats staring at a black curtain with a crowd full of investment bankers with faces painted which I am more than OK with. This place is somewhere that you can escape your day to day and live the life of who you want to be and not who society says you should be. Show your tattoos. Paint your face. Get drunk and sing your FUCKING ASS OFF!!!! ITS KISS!!!!! You wanted the best, you got the best! A barrage of fireworks, smoke, drums and explosions segue the band's decent from the rafters as they blast "Shout it out Loud" into our ear holes as if they are punishing us for just now partying with them. Piercing our eardrums with such ferocity that I would feel bad if I didn't see them any possible time I had a chance. If you can party through a show with KISS and see another band without thinking that you are cheating on Gene Simmons, then I congratulate you. You are a better man than I. Playing their normal set list of songs is exactly what you want them to do and it is exactly what they do. Running through the songs that made them the best band on this fucking planet is what they do best and they played the hell out of it. Shitty seats? No problem. They will come to you via a platform placed at the very last row of the covered seats so they can zip line out there and pelvic thrust you as close to your face as possible. In a barrage of fireworks, blood, confetti, alcohol, codpieces, loud bangs and explosions the night was done as we walked our way to the closest bar to wait for a ride home. Of course as we entered into the bar of 20-somethings playing Nickleback the only logical thing to do was play every KISS song they had and even pay extra for it to play before their dick-sucking music. And we did. For the next hour or so, beers were consumed and a jukebox was rocked with music it may have never heard before. We exited heads held high feeling that we had accomplished greatness that night. And you are goddamn right that we did.

Early in the morning the sun rises. Just an FYI. It happens everywhere, but it happens in Chicago as well. Idiot. Jesus, how many times do I have to say this?

No big plans outside of the Buckeye game for Saturday so we make it to the elevator with little on the schedule when we hear a couple of older ladies talking about going to the Bruce Springsteen show Saturday night.

"He was only here Friday right?" - Savant

"He is playing Friday and Saturday at Wrigley actually." - some old F.

Savant and I look at each other contemplating the same thing. As I get onto StubHub, I realize that we could rock out with The Boss for much less than we anticipated. Click. Buy. Print. Let's get this day started.

We make our way to a Buckeye bar for the game where we rub elbows with a few thousand locals who suddenly we have everything in common with. Throughout the first half, we power through hangovers and get to the point where we are ready to party when we stumble upon a tight shirt wearing gentleman at the front of the bar selling t-shirts. We quickly make friends and he makes a few bucks off of us along with a buckets of beer and some shots. Looking back, I would gladly pay three times as much as I did to make that connection than I did. Out of randomness, we also run into a friend of Savant's here. He is a bartender and was talking to us.

"I work at a bear bar"

Me - "Oh, I'm not leaving until late Sunday so I may watch the game there."

Him - "No sweetheart. Not a Bears bar, a BEAR bar. You would fit in good there."

/sidewayshead

//walks away

This is also where possibly the game of fellate/fuck/anal came into play. Oh, you haven't played? Let me fill you in. Chicago is filled with a diverse group of women. Much better quality than was expected actually. Instead of looking onto the standard 1-10 scale, it escalated to what will be considered "fellate/fuck/anal" from here on. So basically, if a girl is hot then you would fellate her. If she is OK, you would fuck her. If she is a root, then you would give her anal. I know that you shouldn't start a sentence with "if" so fucking kill me.

Around the end of the third quarter, we realize that there is a raffle for a free LED TV and a couple of tickets to the Buckeyes/Huskers football game. As they go through the winners, the worst thing that happened on the trip happened......we didn't win a free fucking TV. Seriously. Looking back, I would gladly pay three times as much as I did to make that connection than I did. Seeing as how I haven't looked at my bank account since this trip, I can say that with confidence.* (*anything said in this article is subject to viewing of bank accounts and/or pictures that may surface)

Back to the hotel for what will go down as the worst nap in the history of naps ever. 30 minutes of heaven followed by a few hours of hell. Hungover and struggling to focus on the matter at hand, we leave the establishment in search of The Boss. The seats are good. Not perfect, but good. First level, just under the overhang and out of the rain that started pouring. Bruce put on a hell of a show. Nothing flashy. No explosions. Just Bruce. Playing all of his hits and a few new songs rocking the shit out of his fans. The crowd was for sure different than anything we saw the night before, but just as good all-in-all. Especially when you run into some random that you went to high school with that is sitting two rows behind you for no reason whatsoever. We left feeling satisfied in a way that I can only describe as the way you feel leaving a great steakhouse after getting the steak you weren't planning on getting and it being cooked the way you didn't expect. Walking out of the door taking a deep exhale while looking at the other person shaking your head as in a manner to say "damn, I cannot believe that just happened." That sums up the night.

Wrigleyville was the happening spot from there on where we decided to play around in a few Michigan bars before finally cabbing it home around the 3am range from what I recall. We return back to the hotel where Savant immediately passes out fully clothed (dammit!) while I go to remove my contacts and get my nighttime eyes on.

Early in the morning the sun rises. Just an FYI. It happens everywhere, but it happens in Chicago as well. I mean this is just ridiculous now.  How do you not know this?  It's fucking scienceish.

Sunday comes and a little time is killed walking the Chicago downtown and browsing for things that could make me move here. It does a pretty damn good job. Come 11 or so, Savant must depart for home and I stand at the corner of the avenue, bags packed with nowhere to go. I have a 430 flight and a little time to kill so I meet up with a few friends on the north side of town to watch football for opening weekend. We catch up and tell stories while making our way through the finest home brews that Chicago has to offer. 2pm comes around and I still have not even come close to leaving for the airport so I decide that the time has come to push back my flight. Although I want to move back to a flight later in the day, the Monday morning option sounds much better. I don't have to work anyways. I return to the table with the great news that I'm not leaving tonight and am faced with the challenge to try Chicago's signature drink of Malort's. Now if you have never had Malort's, you aren't missing out. It's awful. Beyond awful. If whiskey had a down syndrome baby with Ether and tequila was it's godparent, then when it pissed blood you would understand what this tastes like. And yes, I am getting some shipped to me. The slow burn of the devil's piss made me more and more apt to keep drinking. We move from bar to bar passing a man in a chicken costume, a $580 flight change and allegedly some Hispanic waitress that would only serve me alcohol.

Now the flight that would finally take me home to sobriety left at 1220pm on Monday, however, my friend left at 530am. Being a good friend I stayed out until 2am drinking and left the apartment at 3am to catch a train to the airport to go standby. We get to the train station where we find out that $4.50 is the amount it takes to get to the airport (please see second paragraph for taxi fare to the same destination). I have exactly $1 on me and her purse is dumped upside down to finally come up with $4.50-ish in change and such. I get on the train and ass-to-ass with some homeless guy for a seat while a Chinese business man is looking over my shoulder at anything I am doing on my phone. The airport was very friendly, but slow at this time of morning and I get on the 530am flight to Charlotte for my layover where they cannot guarantee me a flight to Dallas before 2pm. I take my chances.

Charlotte comes all too soon and my friend boards the plane at 9am leaving me to fend for myself until I either die or get on a flight. Luckily there are 4 flights to Dallas before mine......all of which I miss. I am on standby for each and every one and am passed up. I try to sleep. No luck. I try to drink. No luck. I try to masturbate. No luck.

Finally I am called to my 5th boarding group to Dallas where I have to check my bag and not carry it on since I am some fucktard that can't manage my own shit and need to have some Charlotte asshole carry for me to the tarmac. I oblige. Before we leave the tarmac, I am asleep. In blissful, needed sleep mind you. I couldn't be happier at this time until I wake up just in time to hear "you may now turn on your electronic devices". Yep. 16 minutes. Being someone that is 6'4" it's not easy for me to sleep on a plane. Mix that with the fact that I hate flying and we are on a shit boat to fuckass town. I am miserable for the next 1.5 hours. That is until the turbulence starts. The last 30 minutes before landing were probably the worst I have ever experienced in my life. The point to where the older lady next to me was rubbing my back while I dry-heaved into the barf bag that I had gripped so tightly the entire flight. Seriously, if you are reading this I owe you big time. If you aren't reading this, then I appreciate you having a conscience. I had to apologize to her for trying to throw up and the fact that I was about 36 hours from my last shower. Not to mention that my right sock was inside out. FML.

Landing in Dallas could not have been much more of a blessing for me at this time. I cattle-herd it with the rest of my traveling companions to the baggage carousel where I see bag by bag pass. Staring me down. Mocking me. Until I am standing with two woe some travelers looking for our personal belongings. An empty carousel spins in front of us while we patiently wait. That is when a small bag peeks it's head onto the conveyor belt. I see two sets of eyes bulge but they can fuck the fuck off. THIS IS MINE! I snatch my beloved bag up and make my way to the shuttle that takes me to my car. Seeing that I gave my last dollar to the train station employee, I give nothing to the poor guy wheeling my ass around and get into my car and make my way back to my own bed for a nice 6pm nap.

The following hours and days were filled with regrets and memories. Mostly thinking about how lucky I am to be able to live the life I did for a few days and how lucky I am to have people like this in my life. No matter how shitty I felt on Monday and Tuesday, I would do it all again if I was given the chance. Here's to you Chicago. A city to which I hold high on my pedestal of admirable cities and one which I will go to again and spend more time enjoying your blissfulness.

Thank you Savant. Thank you Chicago

Poon.

My Yearly Prayer

For those of you lucky enough to follow me from the old "A Day in the Life Of..." blog, then I'm sure you have many memories with me.  My near meltdown with my ex-fiance that I for some reason made public, raging alcoholism, rambling on about an All-Star game Home Run Derby contest, late night posts while sitting alone in my one bedroom apartment on the cusp of another whiskey bender......Jesus how did I keep from offing myself?

Anyways, speaking of Jesus there is one thing from the old blog that I never stopped doing.  It is my yearly prayer.  I haven't made it public on here since I last did it on the old blog five years ago, but I think I am at a point that I need to put it here for the world to see.  Enjoy.

Hey Jesus, you there?  Hello?  I'm not sure why I always get your answering machine but it's frustrating me.  Anyways, I hope you are doing well and I think about you a lot.  Especially when I need something or when I'm upset.  That's just the way it works.  Sorry.

So I remember when you sent me that picture of you at the Spurs game a few years ago and I lol'd about it non-stop.  You were always crazy and I hope you haven't lost that.  I do have some concerns about your well-being though.  The Spurs lost and you let Miami make it to the Finals.  Is everything ok?  I know we aren't talking like we used to, but if you want to get together and talk I'm here for you.  Just because we aren't in the same relationship we used to be doesn't mean I don't care.  I do.  A lot.  Especially when the FUCKING SPURS AND CELTICS LOST AND THE FUCKING THUNDER AND HEAT ARE IN THE FINALS!!!!!

Sorry.  Just a bunch of emotions built up.  I mean I haven't forgiven you for stuff that happened in the past like LSU beating tOSU and the back to back World Series losses for the Rangers, but I hold out hope that you are going to prove to me that you are still the same as when I met you.  I think you are.....no.....I KNOW you are.  There is something that is just causing you distress.

I really hope that you can talk to me and we can work through this.  For you.....not for me.  Because at this point we are really in a lose/lose situation.  Either OKC or Miami has to win this thing, right?  Unless you have something really awesome up your sleeve.  If you do, please talk to me so I know you are ok.

Call me maybe?

Poon

Talking horses' asses

This is becoming a habit.  Well, we like to drink and talk so why not?  To you high toners who must have this download through your iTunes automatically, sorry.  We think we are doing all the steps necessary to make that happen.  So until it works correctly, you'll just have to get your shitty Down and Distant podcasts the old fashion way....from Poon's ass.

Enter if you dare



p.s. You can subscribe in iTunes and hit refresh (search down and distant.)  You'll get all the episodes.  Which is why this is so maddening.  I'm looking at you Steve Jobs.  too soon?

So this is the second one that you should listen too. The first one is on iTunes. Listen in any order, but listen. SERIOUSLY. LISTEN.

CRAP

Tuesday or Die Episode 1

You should probably listen to this. It's what happens when beers are mixed with audio recording equipment.

Tuesday Or Die episode 1

My Last Will and Testament

Well it's come to this. After surviving so may of life's trials and tribulations, antique mirrors and minivans, whiskey benders and vodka morning afters.....it is with great disappointment that I have fallen to what I can only describe as AIDS a mixture of bronchitis, flu and sinus infection. 48 hours after my diagnosis, I found myself going in and out of consciousness in a strange hospital room with multiple doctors hovering over me shaking their heads in disbelief. Blood samples, x-rays, stool samples, semen mouthwash.....they tried it all and finally came to the conclusion that there was nothing more that they could do to help out and it was best to make me as comfortable as possible for my final few days. My last request was that they allowed me to write my proud and loyal followers to say my final farewells.



The following contains legally binding information that must be carried out per the last will and testament of "Poon". The official documents have been notarized and will be mailed upon my death.


To my Down and Distant Co-Founders:
I bequeath 100% of my forth-coming profits from http://www.thisguyisadouche.com/ to reinvest in http://www.downanddistant.com/. In the event that I am behind on my payments to the web host, please catch those up and if there is anything left, then you all must go into the closest 7-11 together and buy a pack of gum, gay porno and XL rubbers. When you get to the clerk, as if the rubbers are the biggest ones that he has. He will reply yes. Proceed to reply, "Well, shit. Then where are your trashbags?" Failing to follow through with this request will result in you acquiring all of my funeral costs which should end up somewhere in the $100's of dollars once you burn me down enough to fit into a Nike shoebox with the new Jordan's inside. I expect you to pay for those also.


So it shall be done.

To my Down and Distant Followers:
I bequeath the timeline of my Twitter and Facebook accounts. Whenever there is a day that you miss me retweeting meaningless information from Drew Magary or What The Fuck Facts, please go back through and laugh and what used to be. It will never go away and seeing that I have over 1000 tweets, you shouldn't run out of shit to look at for a while. When you run out of that, proceed to http://www.meatspin.com/ and count to 1 million. Once you run out of that, congratulations! You are gay. Quit thinking about me now.


So it shall be done.


To All The Girls I've Loved Before:
Welp, you pretty much got the gift that you deserve. You're welcome. Remember you cannot sue someone that is dead. Get checked.
Oh and #16, the video is in my sock drawer. You can't access it......but everyone that knows where I lived out my remaining days can. It will be posted online soon for your viewing pleasure.


So it shall be done.


To Outstanding Creditors:
Die. Please continue to call me on all phones possible. If you would like, you can stuff my ashy shoebox with threatening letters. That may make you feel better. I'll make sure to tuck in a little arsenic in the shoe soles in case you feel froggy.


So it shall be done.


To KMD:
Thank you for a hell of a run and I'm sorry to leave things unfinished. You can have 50% of what is left in my 401k along with any crap laying around my house. This is contingent upon the fact that you are required to instruct the doctors to name the disease that I end up dying from "The Hawk Flu" and I will only be known as "Case 1". For the other 50%, you must track down said "Hawk", behead him with a knife blessed with the blood of a sacrificed lamb and stick his head on a pole on top of my grave.


So it shall be done.


To My Friends:
Jesus, what else can I give. I mean I'm fucking dead for Christ's sake! Ok. I have 4 tickets to the Rangers/Red Sox game in July. Already paid for and waiting at the house. The first 16 people must seed themselves bracket style and face off one one one (highest seed to lowest seed) drinking Ipecac. First one to throw up is out until 8 is left. In the round of 8, you must face off one on one (highest remaining seed to lowest remaining seed) and eat a full meat turtle that you must make on your own. For the round of 4, you must face off one on one (highest remaining seed to lowest remaining seed) backs to each other each with a single slice of bread and gay porno playing on the TV. The first one to finish on his respective bread wins and the other person must eat said lubricated slice of bread. For the final round, the last two remaining players must play a round of Crab Hair Roulette. One of the players that have already lost, must shave their pubic hair and wrap it in an uncooked corn tortilla and wrap it in foil. They must also make 5 additional uncooked tortillas with brussel sprouts inside and wrap in foil. The person to choose the Crab Hair Tortilla wins the tickets. Congratulations.

So it shall be done.

To Whomever Is Left:
I freeze dried my semen in my fridge in the garage. Do whatever you may like with it. Start a future generation, put it on top of ice cream, fuck snort it like it the shittiest cocaine you have ever had for all I care. Just get that gross shit out of my fridge.

So it shall be done.



I wish you all the best in your endeavors for the rest of your lives and Godspeed. If I will leave you all with one thing, please click on the link below. Do this in remembrance of me.


Man Rides Fire Extinguisher on Subway



Love From Beyond the Grave,

Poon

Hunched Over and Sweating

Happy Saturday you little shit-fuckers! As much as I love each and every one of you, I sincerely hope that you are spending this glorious day being productive and enjoying time with your loved ones. Actually, I hope you are hungover and spray-shitting your newly cleaned toilet in between beers.

Whitney Houston is being laid to rest today which for me is bittersweet. Bitter because I don't think that I'm in her will although we had that fling back in 1987. Sweet because I know she is in a better place than her normal bathroom stall knee-high into cocaine and meth. Godspeed Whitney.

Of all of the famous Whitney's that I know, I suppose I wanted her to die the least. Why can't Whitney Cummings have a coke problem? Why doesn't Bobby Brown stop producing makeup and start beating her ass? I mean have you seen her show.......her standup...........a picture............ever heard her name? Irrelevant. She sucks. If I had to choose between watching her TV show or the Reba show there is no doubt in my mind that I would immediately throw a brick at my TV and use the shards of glass to cut off my dick and choke myself to death with it. That actually doesn't sound all that bad honestly.

Don't judge me.

Blow it in my face,

Poon

Why Are You Reading This?

Seriously. It's Christmas Day, there is finally basketball on and you should be at least half drunk at this point. I am, but only from remnants of last nights ordeal with Mr. and Ms. PK as I am at the house of the Christian portion of my family. Joy. My only goal is to be able to post this without using the work fuck since it is Christmas.........well shit. That doesn't count.

Those of you that know me (ME not Poon.....me) know that it has been a trying year overall and I look forward to what 2012 brings. This particular time of year is a little more difficult than I had planned, but I have such an amazing supporting cast in this that it makes it more than bearable. Over the past 18 hours or so I saw and heard many things I didn't plan on hearing this year. From a church full of people that said in chorus "ass" to a discussion about if I still believed in Santa. SPOILER ALERT!!!! I do. Not necessarily the fat man that repels down my chimney causing damage that will for sure lower the value of my house, but the spirit. PK shared his habit of randomly paying for someone's coffee at Starbuck's from time to time (probably the best looking guy he can find. zing.) and that a few years ago he was driving through to get his coffee and it was already paid for. That kind of shit. You don't ask Santa to cure your cancer or murder Aaron Rodgers so you can win your fantasy league (unless he wants to. just saying) you ask for nothing and you realize when you get even the smallest things. That's Santa.

Christmas is a time for joy, being with family, eating bad food and drinking to forget how much debt you just went in so your child can play in a cardboard box of the $600 car you bought. If you know me, you know that I can be somewhat of an emotional person. I see someone cry, I get choked up. Seeing a friend of mine cry this morning after getting a well deserved present almost made me lose it. The only thing that kept me from balling was the fact that PK would have called me a pussy for the rest of my life. That's the shit that Christmas is for.

Whatever you are doing and wherever you are, make the best of today. Do something that someone doesn't expect or maybe even deserve. I'm giving my grandmother an upper decker. You're welcome. This for sure isn't the best post on here, but who are you to judge? I mean we post every few months so enjoy it while you can.

Merry Christmas

Cordially,
Poon




fuck

Greatest GIF Ever

Some of you may have seen this already, but this is seriously one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life.

Click link for the greatest GIF ever made.

GREATEST GIF EVER

Carry on....

Be Thankful For Everything

So its been a while since anyone has done anything worth a shit on this website and this intends to be no different. During Thanksgiving I take some time every year to reflect on what I am really thankful for. Although the list is short and probably doesn't make sense to most, understand that it is from the heart.

Family - Those that really know me also know my fucked up family situation and how it really burdens me during the holidays. I can look back and say that I deserved different and how I would love to see what I would turn into with the perfect scenario, but overall I do have some sort of support system and that is what matters. More than anything I am thankful for my grandfather that passed away all too soon, but made the biggest impact on my life and is by far the best person I have had the privileged of knowing.

Wretched Cunt of an Ex-Girlfriend - Why am I thankful for her? Without going through the details, I wouldn't be the person that I am without the bull shit that she put me through. The only regret I have is that I let it go on for so long. Eat a dick slut. And yes I do mean it this time. Oh and the fact that I don't get to see my dog anymore makes you a fucking horrible person that I hope gets what is coming to you. Bitch.

My Large Feet - Think about it..........

HD Channels - Although my grandmother hasn't bought into the "fad", I am thankful that I don't have to watch shitty SD anymore. Have you even tried it lately? It's like looking at TV through frosted glass while someone is punching you in the eyeball. Fuck.

LA Fitness - Although I never go, it does give me a gym membership to put on my keys so it looks like I give a shit about my health.

Apple - For giving me a reason to look like I'm working in a meeting while I am checking Twitter and playing Angry Birds on my iPad.

Last, but not least......Friends - without them I wouldn't be the person that I am today and without me, they wouldn't have a punching bag. If you don't have a solid stable of friends, then I suggest you do so ASAP.

I hope everyone enjoys this time and remember to appreciate what you have even if it's not necessarily what you want.

Poon

NFL Draft: 1st Round Coverage Wrap-Up

We do hope you've enjoyed our wall to wall coverage of the first round picks of the Cowboys and Redskins in the NFL draft for 2011. You may have noticed that we also threw in 2 (two!) coverage entries of the first pick of the first round. This is coverage that you get nowhere else, folks. Don't even try to find it anywhere else.

At this point, you are falling all over yourself to find the "Donate Now" link. Don't bother. We only take cash payments in dirty, thrice used envelopes under bathroom stalls.

Props to Poon to getting the Twitter feed to work. This man will stop at nothing to slowly inch Down and Distant into the bung hole of your social network consciousness like a reluctant prison bunkmate whilst sleeping.

Yours in Christ,
The Pickled Mick.

Redskins #10....Wait, They Did What?

Round: 1

Pick: 10 oh yeah, 16 because we don’t need a single person now do we?

SON OF A WHORE!!!! Yes, you read it right. The heralded LB Ryan Kerrigan is a son of a whore. Growing up to a family that adopted him in Taiwan, he struggled through life. His mother was constantly scrutinized for her son’s fascination with beating the hell out of his fellow town members. Thinking that this meant he was some sort of demonic being, his mother was whored out for trade. In 1993 while riding the captain of the pirate ship “Barnacle Scrubber 3”, one of the deck hands Tweeted Dan Snyder that he needed to come to Tijuana to see this kid when they docked. While knee deep in cocaine and hookers, Dan agreed that this kid was the most amazing athlete that he had ever seen. He took down the bouncers with ease and even killed a donkey on stage just so that he could show the crowd how it was really done.

Skill Set: While at the draft, NASA developed a new device on which to tell time because he was constantly finishing the 40 yard dash before the timekeepers could click the stopwatch. During the bench press he asked that they move the drill outside so that he could hook up the water towers to the end of the bar. Simply said, by far the best pick in the draft.

IQ: At first he was considered a risky pick because of his low score on the Wonderlic test. When he was informed of this, he drove to the Wonderlic headquarters to review the test. Once he was able to explain his answers, the Wonderlic Company immediately shut their doors and he developed his own company with the same name to preserve the integrity of the game. He proved to them that every question they had was given an incorrect answer. In short….he’s perfect.

Overall – He is a model citizen, best that the game has ever seen at his position, has already been contacted by the Pro Football Hall of Fame……make your own conclusion. Mine is easy. Getting his face tattooed on my face as we speak.

Chris Berman Has AIDS

OK, he doesn't (or does he?) but I figured that saying Cam Newton has had a house in Carolina for 6 months would be boring to read. Welcome to the "I owe you" draft fellow NFL fans. We will keep you posted throughout the night on developments on trades.....wait no trades........surprises......probably not actually.

Well who gives a shit. It's a Thursday night and The Office doesn't start for a bit. What else do you have to do?


Poon

Chandler Puts the D in Mavericks...Wait...

I will absolutely not downplay the role that Tyson Chandler played in the game 5 win on Monday..not at all. 20 rebounds is nothing to laugh at, especially with 13 of them coming off of the offensive boards. With that said, one person does not win games. If you are a Mavs fan then you felt not comfort when they were up by 13 with less than 6 minutes left. What was different from that Saturday abortion of a game? Other than the fact that I wasn't on eBay looking for a used noose, team D. Get used to it fans. Team D is here to stay. With the embarrassment that the team and city had to withstand until the win on Monday, Carlisle made it no secret that this team was focused on closing games. Period.

Gross.

Anyways, watch for more of the same tomorrow and less of the legless wonder Brandon Roy.

Poon

NFL to Down and Distant: Who Are You Again?

As the NFL lockout continues to drag on and more people are finding that baseball is worse than an ass kicking from this guy, we at D&D struggle to make it through these hard times. Not only with content, but with our sanity. Nothing can be closer to a kick in the 'ol sand bags than telling a "sports blog" that really only knows football that they have the possibility of having no material for the next 12 months. Thanks a lot Bin Laden. Content is slow, but coming sooner than later.

With that said, hold steadfast and don't bail on us just yet. New Twitter feed is up, Facebook page is....well Facebooky. Hell we may even put ads on here so you can pay for our website hosting. Lord knows you don't give us the emotional support we need.

Keep the dream alive.

Poon

'Twas the Night Before Christmas in the D&D Office....

“Whew! Long day finally coming to a close. Can’t wait to join the Down and Distant boys at the bar for our last get together before Christmas. I couldn’t have asked for a better year with a better team than I have had this year. Honestly, I don’t think that Santa could even think of anything to give me that I don’t already have. Sorry fat ass, no need for you this year.”

Poon shuts down his computer by hitting ctrl+alt+delete, but then accidentally locks it instead of shutting it down.

“Fuck”

Unlocks the computer and then shuts it down the proper way. He continues to pack away his paperwork from the work filled day into his brown satchel…NOT A MURSE – A SATCHEL! As he stands up from his mahogany desk, he hears a faint rustling in the background.

“Hello? PK? You still here?”

A tall shadow casts across the floor of the D & D lobby outlining a large built man carrying some sort of item on his shoulder.

“Hairy! Did you bring in that three legged emu with a stiffie you were talking about handling up on? If so, I can leave…..or join…..your call.”

“HoHoHoly shit you are an idiot.”

“Santa.” Poon said with a glazed over look in his eyes. “I thought I said I didn’t need your fat ass around here this year.”

Santa turns the corner from the lobby and comes into full view staring Poon directly in the face. “I don’t think I asked your fucking opinion you perverted shit!”

He then walks slowly through the office turning over desk by desk; shattering lamps and dismantling computers in the process. Poon sits idly at his desk watching the fat man unravel at a rapid pace before his eyes. Once Santa has finished demolishing the D & D office, he stands at the open door of Poon’s corner office pulling two semi automatic assault rifles from his large bag on his back.

“Now it’s time for you to meet my two friends…Naughty and Nice. Which one have you been?”

Poon grabs his 9mm from his chest strap and unloads his clip as Santa fires back with a barrage of short spurts of fire from his rifles. Poon dives across the floor of his office while dodging bullets to crouch behind his couch. Santa stands at the door continuously firing his rounds at Poon.

With a crazy stare the fat one yelled, “MEET DASHER, DANCER, PRANCER, VIXEN, COMET, CUPID, DONNER AND BLITZEN!!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!”

Poon pulls his last grenade from crotch (which he doesn’t need at all to show that he’s got something down there…..seriously, it’s just for emergencies…..seriously) pulls the pin and chunks it right at the door. Santa grabs it mid-air and throws it out of the now shattered window to the ground below. Poon then realizes that he is done for and begins singing the theme to his favorite show to comfort him.

“The world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you….”

At that time he hears a loud yell. “HEY FAT ASS!!!”

The gunfire stops and he glances from behind the couch to see Savant standing right behind a now nervous and fearful Santa. Savant pulls his knife to the fat man’s throat and whispers, “You forgot Rudolph fucker.”

Savant slices through Santa’s throat and softly lays him down at his feet as he bleeds.

“You forgot Rudolph? That’s the best thing you had?” said Poon.

“What would you have said? By the way, a thank you would be in order if you don’t mind”

“I mean I know it was in the moment or whatever, but that was kinda gay. I think I may have rather him just keep shooting at me instead of hearing that crap. How are you going to retell this story with a straight face?”

“Ok dick. You want to sit here and dwell on this and explain to Rosa the maid why there is a dead fat man bleeding to death or do you want to meet up with everyone and not tell them you were singing Different Strokes while Santa Clause fired bullets at you?”

“Why you gotta call me out like that? I suppose you have a deal. First round’s on me. And by that I mean first beer, not that beer-shot-cocktail combo crap.”

“Jew.”

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Poon night!