Chandler Puts the D in Mavericks...Wait...

I will absolutely not downplay the role that Tyson Chandler played in the game 5 win on Monday..not at all. 20 rebounds is nothing to laugh at, especially with 13 of them coming off of the offensive boards. With that said, one person does not win games. If you are a Mavs fan then you felt not comfort when they were up by 13 with less than 6 minutes left. What was different from that Saturday abortion of a game? Other than the fact that I wasn't on eBay looking for a used noose, team D. Get used to it fans. Team D is here to stay. With the embarrassment that the team and city had to withstand until the win on Monday, Carlisle made it no secret that this team was focused on closing games. Period.

Gross.

Anyways, watch for more of the same tomorrow and less of the legless wonder Brandon Roy.

Poon

I'm in Hell and I still can't get away from the Rangers

Today is the first day in a long time that the Rangers didn't lose a game. Too bad that we had to do that by having the day off. Seriously what the hell is wrong with this team? Oh, maybe us fans should be behind them more so that they would have more money to chase after free agent. Fuck that. Yes, mother I swore. Fuck that.

If someone seriously tells me that the Rangers are struggling for money this year so they need more support than ever, I will punch them in the taint. Male or female, I don't care. Taint hit for you. I also will go out on a limb and say that the Rangers will not win more games this year than the Mavericks did(67). If they do, then it will not be by more than 5 games. That is Poon's lock of the year. If I am wrong then I owe my crew at the bar a round. Mark that bitches.

I honestly don't see hell being any worse than watching the Rangers play baseball. I know that Helen Keller can be a bitch of a receptionist and all, but I don't see it as that bad. Just to check to see how bad it really was I took a road trip down there just for the weekend, not solid plans yet. By the way I picked out a sweet piece of land if anyone is interested.
When I walked in there were space heaters blowing full blast in my face. Pretty horrible, but not the heat I was looking for. After wandering around for a while and waiting for help like I was a black person on a car lot, someone finally asked if I needed anything. "Just looking around." I said
"We have several specials right now. HAHAHAHA."

"I don't get it."

"Don't get what?"

"Why you were laughing."

"Little do you know how bad hell really is, sir! The space heaters were only the beginning. If you thought that was bad, we have mandatory tanning bed sessions daily! HAHAHAHA!"

"So, what's so bad with that?"

"You might think that you will get by on 8 minutes, but we make you stay for 12!!!!! That will lead to CANCER!!!!"

"Won't I already be dead?"

"CAAAAANNNNNCCCCCEEERRRRRRRRR!"

"Hey! Is that Hitler shoving a pineapple up his ass?"

As the large red man turned around and started spanking his red rocket, I ran back to the car and headed out. It seems nice and all, but I don't know how cold the beer will stay down there. That is the only hang up I have. Eh, I'll probably take the offer either way. I sure don't want to sit all stuck up watching people walk on streets of gold sober.

Poon

Dallas is the Worst Team in the NBA......Seriously

Well the first round of the Western Conference Finals is tonight and just like I predicted, Golden State won only one more game. How is that possible after beating the best team in the NBA......or were they? I hate to admit it, but it's true. I was doing some research and I stumbled across a little information that I am going to put to use in the NBA. IF A=B & B=C, then A=C. Sounds fair enough. Don't contradict the laws of math. Let me explain.
-First, I will not count teams twice. This is because alot of teams could beat Denver and it wouldn't be fair.
-Second, a team must beat a team better than themselves.
-Third, I want comments but I actually don't care what you have to say. I am right.

	Beat Dallas	Other
Phoenix	3/14, 4/1
San Antonio	2-Nov
Detroit	7-Dec
Houston	4-Nov
Utah	12/11, 4/13
Cleveland		beat POR on 11/15 - POR over UTA
Chicago	25-Jan
Toronto		beat PHI on 11/8 - PHI over PHO
Denver	6-Apr
Miami		beat NJ on 11/3 - NJ over MIL - MIL over DET
Golden State	11/6, 3/12, 4/17
L.A. Lakers	7-Jan
New Jersey		beat MIL on 11/15 - MIL over DET
Washington	4-Dec
L.A. Clippers	8-Nov
Orlando		beat SEA on 11/8 - SEA over LAL
New Orleans		beat BOS on 11/1 - BOS over Hou
Indiana		beat NY on 11/4 - NY over GS
Philadelphia		beat PHO on 2/28
Charlotte		beat WAS on 4/3
New York		beat GS on 3/2
Minnesota		beat SA on 1/3
Sacremento		beat CHI on 11/3
Portland		beat UTA on 2/20
Seattle		beat LAL on 11/5
Atlanta		beat LAC on 1/6
Milwaukee		beat DET on 11/1
Boston		beat HOU on 2/26
Memphis		beat DEN on 11/28

You see? I am a genius and by my calculations Dallas should have been 2-80 this year; by far the worst record in NBA history. Why the 2 wins you ask? Well there is the possibility of them pulling out a last second win in either Boston or Memphis here and there so I gave them a couple of wins just to be fair.

Dirk POONwitski

Taint-ed

I am in no mood today to do any work. After the collapse of the Mavericks last night and the never ending Jager Bombs, I feel like microwaved dog shit. Not the good kind that you get from Kroger, the bad stuff that comes from the clearance aisle at Costco. The one thing that I will say now is that Golden Shower State will not win more than one more game. That is going to piss me off even worse. Why is there a Taco Bell bag in the middle of my living room? Oh well. To help everyone get over last night, here's Robocop.



Poon