DAMMIT! You kids get off my lawn!

I’m getting more than a little worn out at hearing the following. “Why are there any Big-10 teams in the BCS in the first place? All they do is schedule ultra shitty teams in their pre-conference schedule and then they play in a pussy conference.” Or something like that. I’ve heard this more times lately than Poon has heard ‘Please Mister, just pay me, put the gun away, and let me get back under the bridge where you found me.’ Oh sure, this time it’s directed at Ohio State, so that has something to do with my ire.

Let me stipulate a few of items ‘ere I go into this moderately thought out, jingoistic, semi-literate and snide rant.

1. I know the Big-10 is a weak conference. I think some of the other top-tier conferences are over-rated, but to be sure the Big 10 is the Meek of the Midwest this year and maybe for the last couple campaigns.

2. You’ve got to play your conference schedule, good or bad. That’s it. So if the SEC’s top five is better than the Pac-10 top five, who cares? You have to play the schedule in front of you. Every conference will have some better years than others. By the way, who wouldn’t look forward to a six-team play-off to figure out who’s better between the middlings of the big conferences? UNC, Colorado, Iowa, Arizona, Alabama and Rutgers.

3. Everybody plays the same amount of regular season games. The only difference is that some conferences have a post-season championship. Pac10 and Big 10 notable exceptions. The Big East has only 8 teams so that allows WVU to go schedule another 5th patsy. So 6 teams in the final BCS and AP polls played 13 games prior to Bowl Season, all the rest played 12. It only seems like everyone played a lot more because of starting the season later or bye weeks.

Having said all that, it comes down to the out-of-conference games a teams schedules. Right? Right. It’s my rant so you're agreeing with me for now. Let’s take a look at the out of conference schedule for the teams in the top 5 in the BCS final ranking. Number six didn’t even get invited to one of the 10 BCS bowl slots.

I’ll start with The Ohio State University to be fair. When Washington was scheduled they might have been good and they are a Pac-10 team, but this year they sucked Orca penis. So I agree when the Youngstown, Akron, Washington and Northwestern string was dubbed YAWN. This schedule must be the worst, huh? Not so fast, mother licker.

LSU: 11-2. Two losses to unranked teams, but they did lay the wood to teams from the Sunbelt, C-USA and WAC by combined score of 136-19. Not a strong group. To their credit they did play and kill VaTech early. (What? I meant the score, it was 48-7, jeesh)

Speaking of Virginia Tech, there’s the aforementioned carnage. (What? I meant the score, it was 48-7, jeesh) The Hokies also play some brutes from C-USA, MAC and 1-AA power William and Mary. (3-1 with a combined score, 96-65)

Oklahoma: (By the way, thanks to OU by the way for the assist.) OU didn’t fall into the trap of inviting a 1-AA squad to Norman for a blood letting but they did have North Texas sans Mean Joe come up and play. Add to that ACC, Mountain West and C-USA. A whopping 246 – 47.

Georgia: An early loss to the Cocks mars the Bulldogs out-of-conference schedule but they regrouped against 1-AA Western Carolina. Add to these they played the Big 12 and another ACC team. Aside from WCU, not bad.

My point here is simply this. Every good team schedules shitty teams to demolish. That’s the way it’s done. Sometimes the Appy State wins, most of the time they don’t. These examples are just for this year. Next year Ohio State has USC at their dojo. LSU adds North Texas and Troy. As someone famous once said, “I’m tired, tired, tired” of this judging of teams based on their out-of-conference schedule.

So to the drooling, mouth breathing, Ned Beatty Taint Tickling, Washer/Dryer on the front porch, double-headed douchebag that got me going this morning on the radio, bite me.

"Isn't That Special" - Church Lady 1987

On nearly a daily basis I stop by several blogs to get my updates on the Sport, the Entertainment, the Porn News of the day and the Whining and crying at one of the Meatchicken blogs. In all fairness they do a good job of detailing the happening of their team and its opponents. They also have, on a several times a week rate, slams on tOSU and our fans. Lots of times it’s really funny and pretty accurate given large amount of mustachioed mullet wearing townies (and Delany) that invade the area around the ‘shoe in the fall. Having said all that, their ‘You work for us’ attitude still makes me want to take a giant crap on the 50 at the Big Shit House.

This however was actually a little creepy. I thought I remembered exactly what Ohio State and its women looked like circa 1986. Wrong. Just take a look. If you aren’t from that era, withhold your judgment and go listen to Creed on your iPod.



I’m pretty sure I saw glimpses of Papa Joe’s, Mustards and maybe Travel Agency in there. See if you agree.

If you'll excuse me now, I’m going to peg the legs of my jeans and dig out my Sperry top-siders. Totally!

Hasta la vista, Baby.

PK out

The Inaugural LtCol. Bruce Crandall Honorary “Enormous Solid Steel Balls” Award.

Crandall's Huey at Ia Drang Valley - November 1965

This week President Bush awarded Bruce Crandall (Army LtC Ret) the Congressional Medal of Honor. The video below is a nice recap of the story by a local news station.

Crandall completed 22 flights in a 14-hour period on Nov. 14, 1965, most under intense enemy fire. His actions in the Battle at Ia Drang Valley were depicted in the 2002 movie "We Were Soldiers," adapted from the book "We Were Soldiers Once ... And Young."

So let me get this straight….Snake Crandall flew his Huey into extremely hot LZ X-ray bringing fresh men and supplies and taking out wounded not just once or twice. This iron-testicled one did it TWENTY-TWO times. He actually had to change aircraft twice as they were too jacked up from an unyielding hail of enemy fire.

For his bravery and selflessness Crandall was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor. (CMH) The highest honor a military man can receive. So revered that the highest ranking officer in the military will salute the Medal even it is occupying the chest of a lowly Private.

So it is for this man we name our Down and Distant Bruce “Snake” Crandall Honorary “Enormous Solid Steel Balls” Award. We will take it upon ourselves to bestow this honor on some sporting types. We know that there are likely a scant few in the world of sport whom are worthy of receiving an honor named for such a complete badass, but screw it. It’s our blog and we will do as we please, even if it is to make such a silly association as professional or collegiate sports to true heroism.

So on with the inaugural presentation. The Bruce “Snake” Crandall Honorary “Enormous Solid Steel Balls” Award goes The Ohio State University. tOSU is just about to cap off a basketball season as Big Ten Champions. Big deal? Well they did it last year too. Still not enough? How ‘bout that the football Buckeyes did it too. Two Years in a row. Big Ten haters will scoff, but hear this, ladies. Regardless of what you think of the conference, these teams spend their entire seasons kicking the shit out of each other. Coming out on top 2 years running in 2 1/2 sports is a pretty freakin’ amazing accomplishment. So suck it. (oh yeah, the Lady Buckeyes Basketball team won the conference 2 years straight too)

Congrats to you Ohio State. Please hold these “Enormous Solid Steel Balls”

NOTE: We will award the Enormous Balls periodically. Could be weekly, monthly or every 37 days. Pretty much whenever we feel like it. That's how we roll. Dig?