Be Thankful For Everything

So its been a while since anyone has done anything worth a shit on this website and this intends to be no different. During Thanksgiving I take some time every year to reflect on what I am really thankful for. Although the list is short and probably doesn't make sense to most, understand that it is from the heart.

Family - Those that really know me also know my fucked up family situation and how it really burdens me during the holidays. I can look back and say that I deserved different and how I would love to see what I would turn into with the perfect scenario, but overall I do have some sort of support system and that is what matters. More than anything I am thankful for my grandfather that passed away all too soon, but made the biggest impact on my life and is by far the best person I have had the privileged of knowing.

Wretched Cunt of an Ex-Girlfriend - Why am I thankful for her? Without going through the details, I wouldn't be the person that I am without the bull shit that she put me through. The only regret I have is that I let it go on for so long. Eat a dick slut. And yes I do mean it this time. Oh and the fact that I don't get to see my dog anymore makes you a fucking horrible person that I hope gets what is coming to you. Bitch.

My Large Feet - Think about it..........

HD Channels - Although my grandmother hasn't bought into the "fad", I am thankful that I don't have to watch shitty SD anymore. Have you even tried it lately? It's like looking at TV through frosted glass while someone is punching you in the eyeball. Fuck.

LA Fitness - Although I never go, it does give me a gym membership to put on my keys so it looks like I give a shit about my health.

Apple - For giving me a reason to look like I'm working in a meeting while I am checking Twitter and playing Angry Birds on my iPad.

Last, but not least......Friends - without them I wouldn't be the person that I am today and without me, they wouldn't have a punching bag. If you don't have a solid stable of friends, then I suggest you do so ASAP.

I hope everyone enjoys this time and remember to appreciate what you have even if it's not necessarily what you want.

Poon

'Twas the Night Before Christmas in the D&D Office....

“Whew! Long day finally coming to a close. Can’t wait to join the Down and Distant boys at the bar for our last get together before Christmas. I couldn’t have asked for a better year with a better team than I have had this year. Honestly, I don’t think that Santa could even think of anything to give me that I don’t already have. Sorry fat ass, no need for you this year.”

Poon shuts down his computer by hitting ctrl+alt+delete, but then accidentally locks it instead of shutting it down.

“Fuck”

Unlocks the computer and then shuts it down the proper way. He continues to pack away his paperwork from the work filled day into his brown satchel…NOT A MURSE – A SATCHEL! As he stands up from his mahogany desk, he hears a faint rustling in the background.

“Hello? PK? You still here?”

A tall shadow casts across the floor of the D & D lobby outlining a large built man carrying some sort of item on his shoulder.

“Hairy! Did you bring in that three legged emu with a stiffie you were talking about handling up on? If so, I can leave…..or join…..your call.”

“HoHoHoly shit you are an idiot.”

“Santa.” Poon said with a glazed over look in his eyes. “I thought I said I didn’t need your fat ass around here this year.”

Santa turns the corner from the lobby and comes into full view staring Poon directly in the face. “I don’t think I asked your fucking opinion you perverted shit!”

He then walks slowly through the office turning over desk by desk; shattering lamps and dismantling computers in the process. Poon sits idly at his desk watching the fat man unravel at a rapid pace before his eyes. Once Santa has finished demolishing the D & D office, he stands at the open door of Poon’s corner office pulling two semi automatic assault rifles from his large bag on his back.

“Now it’s time for you to meet my two friends…Naughty and Nice. Which one have you been?”

Poon grabs his 9mm from his chest strap and unloads his clip as Santa fires back with a barrage of short spurts of fire from his rifles. Poon dives across the floor of his office while dodging bullets to crouch behind his couch. Santa stands at the door continuously firing his rounds at Poon.

With a crazy stare the fat one yelled, “MEET DASHER, DANCER, PRANCER, VIXEN, COMET, CUPID, DONNER AND BLITZEN!!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!”

Poon pulls his last grenade from crotch (which he doesn’t need at all to show that he’s got something down there…..seriously, it’s just for emergencies…..seriously) pulls the pin and chunks it right at the door. Santa grabs it mid-air and throws it out of the now shattered window to the ground below. Poon then realizes that he is done for and begins singing the theme to his favorite show to comfort him.

“The world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you….”

At that time he hears a loud yell. “HEY FAT ASS!!!”

The gunfire stops and he glances from behind the couch to see Savant standing right behind a now nervous and fearful Santa. Savant pulls his knife to the fat man’s throat and whispers, “You forgot Rudolph fucker.”

Savant slices through Santa’s throat and softly lays him down at his feet as he bleeds.

“You forgot Rudolph? That’s the best thing you had?” said Poon.

“What would you have said? By the way, a thank you would be in order if you don’t mind”

“I mean I know it was in the moment or whatever, but that was kinda gay. I think I may have rather him just keep shooting at me instead of hearing that crap. How are you going to retell this story with a straight face?”

“Ok dick. You want to sit here and dwell on this and explain to Rosa the maid why there is a dead fat man bleeding to death or do you want to meet up with everyone and not tell them you were singing Different Strokes while Santa Clause fired bullets at you?”

“Why you gotta call me out like that? I suppose you have a deal. First round’s on me. And by that I mean first beer, not that beer-shot-cocktail combo crap.”

“Jew.”

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Poon night!

Tales From the Road

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Day 2

Day 2

Weight 252

Cup Size B+

Today was day 2 of the Couch to 5k challenge for me. After I posted last night I received support from probably the only two people that read this so thank you both. I was thinking about settling the language down a bit and spreading this around so it may happen early next week. Until then, I will continue on here.

First of all, I am changing the name. Couch to 5k is an iPhone app that I downloaded and didn't use since it is a 9 week training curriculum and i have 6 weeks before the big day. From now on, this will be called the "Fat to 5k". I was thinking of "Titty Buster" or "Scrote Buster" but they both were taken by Vivid Video.

For reference, the elliptical machine is much easier than actually running. After my mediocre start to this last night of two miles that was made mostly up of walking more than running, the machines at the gym gave me a good break while still working up a sweat. Ok, I was on the 6 incline but.......and I had the generic workout going but i assur..........AND THE OLD LADY NEXT TO ME WAS CALLING ME A PUSSY! OK WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? HIT HER IN THE TWAT?

Either way, glad I forced myself to go. Actually passed on happy hour with a few people to go to the gym which (not sure if you have met me) is hard for me to do. I have a few tests ahead of me this weekend which consists of meeting up with PK for a few and a Luau party tomorrow night where I am supposed to meet a friend's friend that "has a new set of honkers" as so gracefully said by her. I'll tell you one thing that the Mesquite area spit out.....sophistication.

I actually plan on writing here daily unless I move to the new blog.

Also, I question the credibility of this blog. I was going to put in a few labels for this post (which as you can see are quite sophisticated if I may say so myself) and when I typed in "poo" it brought up "poo clown suit". What. The. Hell. Is it odd that I want to read that post now? And also that I may be a bit aroused?

Poontathalon

Just Click the Second "Play" Icon and Enjoy....

http://www.theunticket.com/tcu-tribute-song-muser-mumblings/

hermaphrodite rebate
monkey pumpkin
AIDS uterus
horse seven-iron
pumpkin scrotum
billygoat tophat
scrotum deliverance
Danish handpuppet
ant three-pointer
bird switchblade
I’m a hot chick
super glue my penis
kangaroo seven iron
Hispanic elements
gay lizard
electric monkeypox
gay for people of my own opposite sex
placenta facial
buffalo printer
________
hippopotamus
gay and pregnant
neti pot
concrete tasty chicken
cat breath
billygoat instigator
crossstich parakeet
Jesus GPS
donkey machete
bisexual george

How the NFL Ruined Football......and My Life

No pictures and no funny title....no asshole not because we are not funny, because this is a serious post this week. Ok, we really aren't very funny and by this week I mean the second post this year. I'm such an overachiever.
Week three of college ball and week two of pro ball is almost in the books and what a season we have so far. I don't want to drone on about upsets, injuries or who you should start in your fantasy leagues mainly because I don't know and I'm not educated enough to form complete sentences about any of those topics. I do want to talk about something that I finally witnessed today that will ruin pro football for me.
Cable, satellite and U-verse users (AT&T plug. If you haven't already, please check it out and see if it's available in your area. www.att.com/uverse) welcome to the NFL RedZone channel. Yeah, the fucking NFL RedZone channel. Don't have NFL Sunday Ticket with DirecTV? No worries, this takes the place of all of the shitty parts of all of the games and lets you get to the meat of the games. Basically, the RedZone channel will cut to every game that is in the (guesses?........) RedZone. Hence the name dumbass. I expect more out of you. Couldn't even guess that right. Sounds great? Can't wait to get your remote next week to check it out? Not so fast young one.....
Pro's and Con's:
Pro - You can see every touchdown that is scored each week. They actually state that. That's fucking impressive. What happens if two games score at the same time? They will cut back and forth to let you see every significant play.
Con - You completely get sucked into this channel. I had two games on this morning, both good matchups and what did I do? I watched this channel through most of the day. I missed who knows how many great other plays that I would get a boner about. Big hits? Missed it. Did I see that 4th down stand? Nope, but I did see that insignificant 2 yard touchdown run.
Pro - It's in HD. HELL YEAH BITCHES!!! HD. Crystal clear picture for every game that is going on. I couldn't ask for more.
Con - What happens when there are no games in the redzone? Well, apparently they choose one of two options. They will switch to either game that I have locally playing like I can't already fucking see that, or they will switch to any game that includes a team that will in no means on God's green earth reach the playoffs.
Pro - Did I mention HD? Ok. Did you miss something during the day? Between 6 and 630 CST, they will replay all of the days touchdowns. Nicely done. Sometimes SportsCenter doesn't show exactly what I wanted out of some games and you have that covered. Well done sir.
Con - Not a ton of player stats. If you are looking for a recap of player stats for your fantasy leagues, this is not your place to be. Do like I did and have your laptop going with two windows open. One has Yahoo live streaming going and the other has ESPN live gamecast going. Loser. (looking into the mirror) WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOUR WHORE LIPSTICK ON YOU FILTHY WHORE! YEAH YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A DIRTY WHORE!

Overall what do I think? Why they hell can't you make a decision on your own? Get it or request it and check it out for yourself. Bitch.

What a wonderful day to hang myself....

(front door opens to a dark abandoned D&D headquarters)
Hello-o-o-----o--------o???
Anyone here?
Wow, the old office looks so sad these days.
(flicks light switch to reveal the distressed remains of the once prestigious HQ)
Oh, look at the rotting dog carcass! I remember when PK asphyxiated himself while pleasuring his anus when i was using it as a sock puppet.
And the hole in the bathroom stall when we tried to play who's wiener tastes worse after 2 seconds in a bloody asshole with the intern. Damn I miss those days. I wonder what the old crew is up to now?
Too bad this will be the last time that I look at this old place. It has come to my attention lately that I am so fucking cursed with this college football shit that I am bringing this disaster to and end. I had to watch Utah pull of that crap and I really don't want to hear them bitch for a year on how they deserve to be #1. Be thankful you are number 2 you British cigarettes!

Utah - you are why I am hanging myself.

And Oklahoma....why lose to Florida? Why? I hate hearing that God sucking mother fucker Tebow with his big tittied ass girlfriend say how great he is and how much he has done for society.

Oklahoma - you are why I am hanging myself.

Fox. Really? I heard your spare ass BCS crew tell me all game how much Tebow has meant to college football and how the Gaytors are destined to win.

Fox - you are why I am hanging myself.

Fiesta Bowl was a great game....if you do not hate Texas. Well I fucking do. I was upset that tOSU lost and I really think that I am a curse to Buckeye nation, but I would rather suck on Mark Mangino's underboob than have that Colt McCoy fuck-knuckle win another game.

Texas - you are why I am hanging myself.


Is it a bit much? Possibly. But after 8 months crying my bloody rectum to sleep after sucking dick and taking bribes for a quick shot from a rusty AIDS infested meth needle to the forehead while in rehab, why wouldn't I.

(the noose tosses above the doorway to the old office as I tighten it up to make sure I don't screw this up. I fit my head inside the noose and snug it to my neck. A mild erection occurs)

Well...didn't expect that. Fuck it, just jump off the stool and call it a day.

Ok, maybe one last quickie.

Savant: Dude, what the FUCK are you doing?!? Where have you been?

(Hairy Carray, Pork Chop U and PK follow Savant in the doorway)

I thought this was done? I thought we boarded the place up for good? I thought more than anything we realized we suck at this and ran out of material?

PK: Well we did. We were going to light ourselves on fire in here and burn down with the building.

Oh.....sorry to ruin that bag of fun.

Pork Chop: 3 BCS losses in a row really buried us too.

Hairy Carray: Hey Poon, why is your back to us?

Uh....no reason.....

PK: You have got to stop masturbaiting......

Poon: Why?



The end?

Lock the door behind you, Poon.

The Grand Old Lady - Boarded up. Sad, huh?

Memo: To all employees, fans, readers and haters, etc.

Subject: The future of down and distant

From: PK, Editor in Chief.

It saddens me to do this but I have been left with no real alternative. And no, Savant, turning this into a homosexual KISS fan match making service is NOT a real alternative. IT’S NOT.

I digress. It became clear that we needed a restructuring of our corporate culture, mission statement, contributor staff and even the building itself. We haven’t been living up to our end of the bargain in writing the blog. So we are taking a step back and reorganizing.

We are also going virtual. No more corporate offices, assigned parking spaces, executive wash rooms, full release massage stations in the lobby, and <> no more free Ben and Jerry’s in the cafeteria. All were too costly and way too distracting. To be honest though, I probably wouldn’t be making this kind of announcement if it hadn’t be for the tragic events of last week.

It was a normal Tuesday morning, Poon was just waking up on the couch in his office (as his wife still won’t let him in the house since the “Boston Cream Pie incident of 2006.”) when he heard a thunderous racket outside his office. He looked out through the mail slot to see PorkChop and Hairy Carrey dressed only in jock-straps and rollerblades dragging a burlap bag full of very angry badgers. They were screaming at the top of their lungs the destination of their feral cargo -- Savant’s assistant Tristen’s office. The distruction ended up being massive. Not only in the physical structure of the office building, but the morale and purpose of the organization.

It’s a wake up call for sure. Bottom line: We’re selling the building and all it’s contents. We’ll be attending a team building retreat in Pago Pago in hopes of repairing our fractured relationships. (except for HC. He has to stay back so he doesn’t miss his anal bleaching appointment…he’s almost done) The real work will need to be done between me and that VAG Poon. Don’t get me started.

When we return in a few weeks or so we’ll have a renewed vision and a real mission statement. We’ll probably have all the same contributors and most likely a couple more. We’ll have some weekly series to run as well. We will rise again.

Stay tuned.
PK

Note: Despite our break for vision, energy, and creative renewal, you'll be relieved to learn that Michigan will continue sucking, as always.

Free at Last, Free at Last!!!!!

My favorite comedy of all time.

Boy my ass hurts. Thanks guys for not putting up the ransom and letting me stay there all day. Seriously? He wanted $20 and a pack of Funyons. Let me preface this by saying that I have not seen any games today.
Do you not know that running this empire is more than just witty humor and constantly proving to everyone that you are the all knowing sports God? There is a lot more that goes into this than that. We have to…….well do other stuff. It’s hard to explain. Shut it. For instance this week I have been touring West Texas signing computer monitors for some of our winners from our inaugural “Angriest Beaver” competition. I would also like to take this opportunity to say congrats to my mom for winning. It’s a lot angrier than I remembered. I think that I still have hairs caught in my teeth from birth.
I have been thinking since the brackets were announced about how much of a complete ass I made of myself last year. I will still not give up on the double elimination brackets. With that said, I am here this year to redeem myself.
Let me get the shit out of the way that I don’t care about. Tossed salads (overrated, believe me I know), soap on a rope (defeats the purpose of our d&d group shower time) and dingle berries.
As far as the bracket is concerned, not only will I fully predict all of the winners from the West, but I will also predict the scores. UCLA will get into a much closer game then you might think with Miss Valley State. UCLA 87-76. With Duke going against Belmont….wait, who? Isn’t that a horse track? Well, whatever. Either way, Duke beats Barbaro U 83-64. Now are you ready for the Poon Blue Balls and a Cold Shower Bracket Buster Pick of the Year. Georgia got hot at a perfect time of year. They played 4 games in 3 days to win their tourney and they will pull off the biggest upset of the year when they defeat Xavier 76-72. Mark it mofos. As much as I hate UConn, they will beat San Diego worse than Urban Meyer beats his wife. Its true. Spread the word. 92-78. Now talk about a game that I don’t give two rotten hairy taints about. Drake will beat Western Cuntucky 68-65. If I had to make another prediction about that game, I would say that both teams get flat tires and we don’t have to waste time on SportsCenter watching the highlights. To Drake and WKU you get my Suck It award of the year. Although Baylor is known for killing people, they will not kill Purdue. P-U 82-68. I see another upset with Arizona giving WVU the Superman 79-71. For the last of the first round, I see the first and only all white school in America beating the Aggies 88-84.

This leaves the second round with UCLA vs. BYU, Drake vs. UConn, Purdue vs. Georgia, and Arizona vs. Duke.
Bill Walton will completely destroy Ty Detmer 83-68. For the love of God, get Drake out of this tourney. UConn does it in tremendous fashion winning 93-77. D.J. Shockley gets hit with another tornado and goes down on Gene Keady……deep. 88-74. Of course Duke will eliminate Arizona 91-77.

Thirds anyone? Yes, please. Less cream this time….my sheets are getting sticky. I don’t know what that means either. UCLA vs. UConn will prove exactly who is the better of the “U’s” as if any of us care. UCLA 81-79. Duke moves on easily over Purdue 77-69. (giggle)

Are we done yet?
Like you didn’t see this coming? Duke pulls off the upset when Bobby Hurley and Tyrone Hill have to fill in for the aching starters. They slap that stupid golden C off of the Bruins shirts and move onto the Final Four 74-66.

GO DUKE!

Poon (aka white Jesus)