Thursday, October 21, 2010
Tales From the Road
As I sit along with a noose around my neck in a sketchy hotel room in Longview, I have plenty of time to ponder the ways of the world.....while taking a massive hot wing based double tapered shit. Although I am not the daintiest of mammals, I do have a few things that I require from hotels that I am not really feeling here.
As a Hilton Gold Club member, I do demand a certain degree of acknowledgement from the green card-less staff. Don't ask me if I want a bottle of water each day in my room....of fucking course I do! When I come into room 119 (ladies) at 2:15 am after trolling through the local Applebee's until their midnight shutdown time shortly followed by a trip to the local Jaguars to ensure that some female touches my penis before I go back to the hotel and fire off in the shower (don't act like you don't do it); I want to be able to quench my cotton mouth at 4am with a delicious bottle of Ozarka water. Shit. It's not 3rd grade math people!
Here are a few other small requirements I have while traveling:
1. No outside entry. This lovely place has outside only entry into the rooms. It's not that I HAVE to have a lobby so I can hit on the midnight clerk, I just know of too many horror movies that start with outside entry shady hotels.......then again I know of quite a few fuck films that start with that also......retract statement.
2. Complimentary happy hour. Hampton is VERY good about this. When staying at a Hampton, I strongly recommend testing the happy hour waters. 530-730 all you can drink. If you get lucky they will also have hard liquor. It's a good way to either start your night or power drink and pass out with your dick between the gonorrhea infested mattresses. Your call.
3. Complimentary breakfast. And I'm not talking about that "continental" shit. If I wanted to stare at old people and eat Frosted Flakes, I would take my morning cereal into a funeral. I want something good like sausage and fake eggs. If you want to throw in an omelet here and there, I'm down for that too.
4. Free parking. Yes, there are places that still charge. I was taken by that not too long ago in San Antonio. Luckily to recoup my losses, I stashed 13 Mexicans in my trunk and sold them outside of Home Depot. That reminds me....I think I only have sales receipts for 11. Note to self - check trunk next week.
5. Free WiFi. As I find more examples of illegally downloaded music being monitored along with the embarrassment of my involvement at RedTube.com and meatspin.com, I feel that I should borrow someone else's IP address.
6. Yes, they are both NSFW so please do not search for those websites at the work PC.
7. Microwave not built into a cavity in the wall. Hampton in Longview - Fail.
In closing, I will share just a few tips that I have learned over the years.
- Use your own razor.
- Don't trust the shampoo supplied by the hotel.
- DO NOT FOR ANY REASON DRINK THE SINK WATER!
- Take your own toilet paper. Your fingernails will thank you.
I love you and miss you,