Tressel at the Shoe

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Buckeye crew that day:
The score stood 28-21, with but one quarter more to play.
And then when Mendenhall made the first, and Dufrene did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to the hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Boeckman could get back on the field –
We’d put up even money, now, with Boeckman at the wheel.

But the D preceeded Boeckman, as did another punt,
The first was getting pounded and the latter was a cunt.
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Boeckman getting to pass.

But the O got a penalty, to the wonderment of all,
And Mendenhall, the much despise-ed, got stopped for only 4 with the ball;
And when the dust had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,
There was Santella coming out with the rest of the Illini turds.

Then from 100,000 throats and more there rose a lusty WOO;
It rumbled through the valley, it rattled in The Shoe;
It knocked upon the Olentangy and recoiled upon the stands,
For Boeckman, mighty Boeckman, was getting his big chance.

There was ease in Boeckman’s manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Boeckman’s bearing and a smile on Boeckman’s face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly tipped his head,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt ‘twas Boeckman on the field.

Two hundred thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with crotch;
A hundred thousand tongues applauded when he hiked and did not botch.
Then while the writhing defense adjusted and read his hips,
Defiance gleamed in Boeckman’s eye, and sneer curled Boeckman’s lip.

And now the pigskin-covered ball came swiftly through the balls,
And Boeckman took it in his hands and gave it immediately to Wells.
Close by the massive tackle Wells unheeded sped-
“Second and eight,” said Boeckman. “They got nothing,” the defense said.

From the benches, black with people, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of a penis on an unfortunate coked up whore.
“Kill him! Kill Lloyd Carr!” shouted a half-naked drunken dame;
And it’s likely they’d a killed him if he was even at the game.


With a smile of Christian charity great Boeckman’s visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the offense, and once more the pigskin flew;
When he ran for 16 yards, it was deafening at The Shoe.

“GO BUCKS!” cried the ecstatic thousands, and echo answered Bucks;
But one confident look from Boeckman and the audience was no longer fucked.
The saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,
And the knew that mighty Boeckman wouldn’t let them lose this game.

The sneer is gone from Boeckman’s lip, his teeth are clinched in hate;
He pounds with cruel violence his hand on the center’s taint.
And now Boeckman pulls it back, and now he lets it go,
And now the air is pierced by the force of Boeckman’s throw.

Oh, somewhere in this Buckeye land the sun is shining bright;
TBDBITL is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere the D&D crew is drinking, and somewhere Poon is beating off;
But there is no joy in Columbus – mighty Boeckman has been picked off.

Muck Fichigan

GO BUCKS!!

Dear Diary.........

Wow! What a day I had today. It started off like any other day I guess. My mom was yelling at me to get up and get my lazy ass out of bed. One day when I get a real job I am moving out of this place I swear. I'll prove them wrong. I'm going to be something great! Who the hell wakes up before 10am anyways?
After I got up and going, I broke out my Tom Brady poster with the eyes cut out and jizzed on his face again. Man, I miss the days before he got big and he let me do it in real life. That lucky bitch that he knocked up doesn't know how good she has it. The balls on that guy are amazing and he doesn't have one hair on his body. The fact that he bleaches makes it not only nice to look at, but sanitary to kiss. He is my lobster.
I was hungry so I went to McDonalds for my usual kid's meal with extra hot fudge to dip my fries in. I love that place, I just hate the fact that people are calling me names when I go there. What did I do wrong? The keep yelling "go fuck yourself!" "you suck!" "why don't you go get another job!" Kid's can be so cruel.
While I was ordering my second ice cream (I know I'm so bad, I can't help it) this group of really nice young ladies came up to me and asked me if I wanted to hang out with them for a while. I didn't have anything to do before Tiny Toons came on at 3, so I said why not.
We went to their house where there were probably 20 girls there. Boy were they pretty. It made me get rigamortis in my dingy. I guess they could see that and then decided that they should help me out with it. They must be nursing students because they seemed to know what they were doing. First, they gave me some medicine to calm me down. I think it was called Skol and it looked like water. It didn't taste good, but most medicine doesn't unless it's those delicious Flinstones chewables. Whatever it was calmed me down really fast. I think I might be allergic to it because it made me light headed.
After they could see that I calmed down, they removed my Nemo shirt, jeans and my Spongebob underoos. My yo-yo started to hurt so they brought over someone that I guess was the doctor. He was really nice. It must be his first time doing this procedure because they were video taping it. He started massaging it until the pressure released just like it did on my poster this morning. I guess I didn't know that this could happen with someone else's help.
The procedure was done and I was still light headed, so they said I should just walk home instead of ride my tri-kee. The whole time I was walking, people were laughing at me and yelling and throwing things. It made me cry so I started running as fast as I could. When I got home, mommy was so worried.
"Where the hell have you been? You know you aren't supposed to be out past 7 and it's almost 9! Where are your clothes!"
I didn't know the answer to any of them so I just started crying. She felt bad and put me into bed for the night and brought me some racecar shaped chicken nuggets to help me feel better. Well, I guess I better go to bed so I can wake up early tomorrow and stand on the grass for a few hours. I still don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

Lloyd.