Down And Distant

Why Are You Reading This?

2011-12-25T12:01:00.002-06:00

Seriously. It's Christmas Day, there is finally basketball on and you should be at least half drunk at this point. I am, but only from remnants of last nights ordeal with Mr. and Ms. PK as I am at the house of the Christian portion of my family. Joy. My only goal is to be able to post this without using the work fuck since it is Christmas.........well shit. That doesn't count.

Those of you that know me (ME not Poon.....me) know that it has been a trying year overall and I look forward to what 2012 brings. This particular time of year is a little more difficult than I had planned, but I have such an amazing supporting cast in this that it makes it more than bearable. Over the past 18 hours or so I saw and heard many things I didn't plan on hearing this year. From a church full of people that said in chorus "ass" to a discussion about if I still believed in Santa. SPOILER ALERT!!!! I do. Not necessarily the fat man that repels down my chimney causing damage that will for sure lower the value of my house, but the spirit. PK shared his habit of randomly paying for someone's coffee at Starbuck's from time to time (probably the best looking guy he can find. zing.) and that a few years ago he was driving through to get his coffee and it was already paid for. That kind of shit. You don't ask Santa to cure your cancer or murder Aaron Rodgers so you can win your fantasy league (unless he wants to. just saying) you ask for nothing and you realize when you get even the smallest things. That's Santa.

Christmas is a time for joy, being with family, eating bad food and drinking to forget how much debt you just went in so your child can play in a cardboard box of the $600 car you bought. If you know me, you know that I can be somewhat of an emotional person. I see someone cry, I get choked up. Seeing a friend of mine cry this morning after getting a well deserved present almost made me lose it. The only thing that kept me from balling was the fact that PK would have called me a pussy for the rest of my life. That's the shit that Christmas is for.

Whatever you are doing and wherever you are, make the best of today. Do something that someone doesn't expect or maybe even deserve. I'm giving my grandmother an upper decker. You're welcome. This for sure isn't the best post on here, but who are you to judge? I mean we post every few months so enjoy it while you can.

Merry Christmas

Cordially,
Poon

fuck

Greatest GIF Ever

2011-12-16T13:13:00.003-06:00

Some of you may have seen this already, but this is seriously one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life.

Click link for the greatest GIF ever made.

GREATEST GIF EVER

Carry on....

Be Thankful For Everything

2011-11-25T11:40:00.003-06:00

So its been a while since anyone has done anything worth a shit on this website and this intends to be no different. During Thanksgiving I take some time every year to reflect on what I am really thankful for. Although the list is short and probably doesn't make sense to most, understand that it is from the heart.

Family - Those that really know me also know my fucked up family situation and how it really burdens me during the holidays. I can look back and say that I deserved different and how I would love to see what I would turn into with the perfect scenario, but overall I do have some sort of support system and that is what matters. More than anything I am thankful for my grandfather that passed away all too soon, but made the biggest impact on my life and is by far the best person I have had the privileged of knowing.

Wretched Cunt of an Ex-Girlfriend - Why am I thankful for her? Without going through the details, I wouldn't be the person that I am without the bull shit that she put me through. The only regret I have is that I let it go on for so long. Eat a dick slut. And yes I do mean it this time. Oh and the fact that I don't get to see my dog anymore makes you a fucking horrible person that I hope gets what is coming to you. Bitch.

My Large Feet - Think about it..........

HD Channels - Although my grandmother hasn't bought into the "fad", I am thankful that I don't have to watch shitty SD anymore. Have you even tried it lately? It's like looking at TV through frosted glass while someone is punching you in the eyeball. Fuck.

LA Fitness - Although I never go, it does give me a gym membership to put on my keys so it looks like I give a shit about my health.

Apple - For giving me a reason to look like I'm working in a meeting while I am checking Twitter and playing Angry Birds on my iPad.

Last, but not least......Friends - without them I wouldn't be the person that I am today and without me, they wouldn't have a punching bag. If you don't have a solid stable of friends, then I suggest you do so ASAP.

I hope everyone enjoys this time and remember to appreciate what you have even if it's not necessarily what you want.

Poon

Testing......

2011-08-06T21:30:00.000-05:00

Is this still active? Is anybody out there?
Aw who the fuck cares. I'll talk about the same thing even if no one is there to hear me.

With that said........I want Shannon Sharpe to do my into to AA speech. That is all.

Taint.

Were coming back......soon. No. Fucking. Kidding.

Poon

Location:Lorraine Ave,Dallas,United States

My Hit List of One

2011-05-09T21:30:00.007-05:00

Have You Seen This Evil Ass Hat?

Your buddy, The Pickled Mick, has a new wallet. It has that "new wallet smell" of leather, the smell wallets get before they smell and taste like butt.

I normally celebrate these occasions. New wallet selection, for me, begins months ahead before there is actually a need to ensure wallet nirvana. I was not afforded this luxury this time. Why?

Picture it: East Texas, Saturday night. A boy and his friends return from a party after making a fried chicken run. Post payment, by your humble narrator, the wallet goes into the console rather than going through the extreme effort to return it to my back pocket. Clearly, it was far too much effort for your fried chicken, beer drinking scribe to lift his ass two inches off of the seat and slide that bad boy back into its well worn sheath.

Upon arrival at the crash pad, there is chicken and styrofoam coolers and backpacks and beer and hooker body parts (plastic and real) to haul into the house, leaving my precious fun ticket holder left alone in the console of the Mick-mobile.

Fast forward to the next morning. The interior of the car is in shambles. There are papers, receipts, and other debris scattered about. The change in my door handle, the fine cigars in my travel humidor, and my wallet. Gone.

This is a surreal moment in someones life. Knowing that it's gone, that it's stolen. Then, the panic of your tens of dollars being emptied out of your accounts, going for year long subscriptions to online porn and candle auction sites. The fact that my corporate credit card could have been used to buy a wife from oversees and knowing that I would never meet her or reap those benefits enraged me.

It didn't take me long to decide that it wasn't some computer savvy, identity stealing kid that has my wallet as, after reviewing the cards online, no purchases were made. No, this was worse. Far worse...

This is the kind of jerk-off, jack wagon that probably took my $100 cash, discarded the wallet, and emptied the fine cigars of all of their gorgeous tobacco and made it into a blunt. This thought alone is enough to make my melon explode. These weren't Phillies I had stashed, there.

My call to you, Downers and Distanters, is to keep a close eye out for any ass hole looking transients wheeling their shopping carts down the street carrying a wallet that smells like my ass and smoking a blunt wrapped in a precious Cabiguan Connecticut wrapper. This person will be swerving to the left, as if their left pocket was weighed down with $4.78 in assorted coins. If you see this man, kindly steer your car in his direction, line him up between the longhorns on your hood, crank up the 1992 Canadian Raggae hit "Informer" by Snow, and hit the gas.

Back at home, my new wallet has far more pockets and they are all empty. It's a tri-fold, which I'm not used to, but I will adjust. Don't you worry about me. I'm strong. Getting used to a tri-fold is one thing I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Oh yeah, sports. There's this if you haven't seen it: DidTheLakersGetSwept.com

Yours in Christ,
TPM

NFL Draft: 1st Round Coverage Wrap-Up

2011-04-28T22:41:00.002-05:00

We do hope you've enjoyed our wall to wall coverage of the first round picks of the Cowboys and Redskins in the NFL draft for 2011. You may have noticed that we also threw in 2 (two!) coverage entries of the first pick of the first round. This is coverage that you get nowhere else, folks. Don't even try to find it anywhere else.

At this point, you are falling all over yourself to find the "Donate Now" link. Don't bother. We only take cash payments in dirty, thrice used envelopes under bathroom stalls.

Props to Poon to getting the Twitter feed to work. This man will stop at nothing to slowly inch Down and Distant into the bung hole of your social network consciousness like a reluctant prison bunkmate whilst sleeping.

Yours in Christ,
The Pickled Mick.

Redskins #10....Wait, They Did What?

2011-04-28T20:21:00.005-05:00

Round: 1

Pick: 10 oh yeah, 16 because we don’t need a single person now do we?

SON OF A WHORE!!!! Yes, you read it right. The heralded LB Ryan Kerrigan is a son of a whore. Growing up to a family that adopted him in Taiwan, he struggled through life. His mother was constantly scrutinized for her son’s fascination with beating the hell out of his fellow town members. Thinking that this meant he was some sort of demonic being, his mother was whored out for trade. In 1993 while riding the captain of the pirate ship “Barnacle Scrubber 3”, one of the deck hands Tweeted Dan Snyder that he needed to come to Tijuana to see this kid when they docked. While knee deep in cocaine and hookers, Dan agreed that this kid was the most amazing athlete that he had ever seen. He took down the bouncers with ease and even killed a donkey on stage just so that he could show the crowd how it was really done.

Skill Set: While at the draft, NASA developed a new device on which to tell time because he was constantly finishing the 40 yard dash before the timekeepers could click the stopwatch. During the bench press he asked that they move the drill outside so that he could hook up the water towers to the end of the bar. Simply said, by far the best pick in the draft.

IQ: At first he was considered a risky pick because of his low score on the Wonderlic test. When he was informed of this, he drove to the Wonderlic headquarters to review the test. Once he was able to explain his answers, the Wonderlic Company immediately shut their doors and he developed his own company with the same name to preserve the integrity of the game. He proved to them that every question they had was given an incorrect answer. In short….he’s perfect.

Overall – He is a model citizen, best that the game has ever seen at his position, has already been contacted by the Pro Football Hall of Fame……make your own conclusion. Mine is easy. Getting his face tattooed on my face as we speak.

Cowboys #9... er... yeah, #9 Pick

2011-04-28T19:22:00.005-05:00

Clearly the best pick of the draft! This fills EVERY need the Cowboys EVER had in the history of the franchise.

Name: Tyron Smith/ OT
School: USC

Skill Set: This guy clearly has better/faster hands than I do and can hit infinately harder. He runs the 40 faster than your average twenty-something and would likely anchor your team in your 4th of July back yard tug-o-war contest. Clearly better than 99% of the population of the United States at American Football, he now can say he makes more money than them, as well.

In the room: Will be shy at first, not wanting to shower in front of the professional boys. Gentle handling in the shower will bring him out of his shell. Other than that, should be a good room guy, unless he isn't.

General IQ: This guy is the smartest around when singing selections from Gerardos 1991 hit album "Mo Ritmo" by himself into a hairbrush alone in his bedroom room wearing nothing but a pair of tejano style cowboy boots.

Going at #9 in the draft suits him well. So well, in fact, that I expect him to wear that number next season, if it isn't taken.

Chris Berman Has AIDS

2011-04-28T19:04:00.002-05:00

OK, he doesn't (or does he?) but I figured that saying Cam Newton has had a house in Carolina for 6 months would be boring to read. Welcome to the "I owe you" draft fellow NFL fans. We will keep you posted throughout the night on developments on trades.....wait no trades........surprises......probably not actually.

Well who gives a shit. It's a Thursday night and The Office doesn't start for a bit. What else do you have to do?

Poon

Checking In...

2011-04-28T19:03:00.003-05:00

I'm punching my D&D timecard to check in for tonight, this night of the draft. I bring to the table a vast lack of knowledge regarding college football players and I hope I get more entertaining as the drinks flow. As it stands, I've only had three beers.

1st Pick: Cam Newton and his pink tie, forever cementing his legacy as a bust, no matter what level of mediocrity he rises to in the NFL.

If this holds my interest (and I don't switch to basketball or porn), I will check back in.

Clocking out, biznatches, I'm on my break.

Chandler Puts the D in Mavericks...Wait...

2011-04-27T10:08:00.002-05:00

I will absolutely not downplay the role that Tyson Chandler played in the game 5 win on Monday..not at all. 20 rebounds is nothing to laugh at, especially with 13 of them coming off of the offensive boards. With that said, one person does not win games. If you are a Mavs fan then you felt not comfort when they were up by 13 with less than 6 minutes left. What was different from that Saturday abortion of a game? Other than the fact that I wasn't on eBay looking for a used noose, team D. Get used to it fans. Team D is here to stay. With the embarrassment that the team and city had to withstand until the win on Monday, Carlisle made it no secret that this team was focused on closing games. Period.

Gross.

Anyways, watch for more of the same tomorrow and less of the legless wonder Brandon Roy.

Poon

NFL to Down and Distant: Who Are You Again?

2011-04-26T20:27:00.005-05:00

As the NFL lockout continues to drag on and more people are finding that baseball is worse than an ass kicking from this guy, we at D&D struggle to make it through these hard times. Not only with content, but with our sanity. Nothing can be closer to a kick in the 'ol sand bags than telling a "sports blog" that really only knows football that they have the possibility of having no material for the next 12 months. Thanks a lot Bin Laden. Content is slow, but coming sooner than later.

With that said, hold steadfast and don't bail on us just yet. New Twitter feed is up, Facebook page is....well Facebooky. Hell we may even put ads on here so you can pay for our website hosting. Lord knows you don't give us the emotional support we need.

Keep the dream alive.

Poon

ESPN, Hello Kitty and a Failed Howey Mandel Game Show....

2011-01-11T20:50:00.004-06:00

What do these things have in common? I despise them all. I'm sorry Hello Kitty, but you have run your course as my sheets, towels and pillow cases and we shall have to part now. The last substantial thing that Howie did was that show where he made a world with this kid named Bobby and he was Bobby's voice doing crazy things in his own world. I think it was called "Shitty Kid Show for Kids that Can't Afford to Watch Wild and Crazy Kids on Nickelodeon". Thanks mom.

The first thing on this post should catch you off guard. I have found myself watching less and less ESPN over the past few months. Could it be because football season is over? Yes, but that would be a really short fucking post now wouldn't it? What is taking it's place you may ask? Sitcoms. Fucking sitcoms. And I'm not talking about the ones that are fads that everyone watches like the new John Ritter one, but the good ones. Underrated ones. Netflix recently added numerous old sitcoms to their lineup like Cheers which can keep me entertained at least for a while. What has really helped me through this transition is Arrested Development. If you haven't seen it yet, please do. You will not be disappointed.

I know you are thinking "wow. Poon is about to lay something good on me and I will be sold on this show faster than Robinson gives up on learning to tie his shoelaces.". Welp you're wrong bitch. Watch AD and thank me later.

What really turns me off of ESPN is the complete lack of effort now days. I had to hear about the Carmelo Anthony trade for the better part of an hour last night. Yes that is par for the course due to the high profile teams and players, but did they really have to beat it into my head that they had to interrupt Jalen Rose's dinner at Applebees to get his input? Who gives a shit? Do I care how much foot pounds of pressure Ray Lewis hits with? No. I want to know more about how he murdered someone and didn't even get a fine! Dude he seriously killed someone.

Bring back Olberman and Patrick and we will talk. Until then keep your Red Sox/Yankees bias. Keep your LeBron James bias. Keep your NFC East bias. Keep your........aw who the fuck cares about hockey.

Sincerely,

Excellence in Sports Poonformance Network

Location:Waimea St,Frisco,United States

d&d Letters to Santa - Hairy Carrey

2010-12-20T09:10:00.003-06:00

Dear Santa,

For 47 years I have defended you and subjected myself to the opprobrium, scorn, and contempt of friends. When you fucked up and didn’t bring me the GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip—yeah, I was disappointed, but my foster-mom said that that Malibu Ken was a reasonable facsimile. And I bought it. But now………fuck.

I just read you got your ass fired at a mall for telling shitty jokes. That is some embarrassing shit. You work one day a year—and you can’t come up with some good material? Well, I’ve got your fat ass covered on last time, and then you are on your own. When you go back to the mall tonight try dropping a few of these beauties on the kids—they will love it:

Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?

A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?

A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?

A: Half a dog!

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: Wiped his ass.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

A: Miracle Whip.

Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

Q: How do you kill a retard?

A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"

Q: Why can't Jesus eat m&m's?

A: Because he has holes in his hands.

Q: What’s black, white, and red all over and doesn’t fit through a revolving door?

A: A nun with a spear through her head.

Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?

A: I cry when I cut up onions...

Well, that’s all I got for you, old man. Until then, bring me some good shit for under the tree.

Hairy

d&d News Desk Update

2010-12-18T18:08:00.001-06:00

This just in: Pending a "stroke" of a pen by BHO the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy has been successfully repealed.

Good news for Poon who can finally enlist in the Navy Submariner program. Seaman everywhere. HOLLA!

That is all.
PK

d&d letters to Santa - Penalty Kill

2010-12-16T10:36:00.020-06:00

You, missing only missing a .45 pistol and an entire smoked salmon

Dearest Sinterklaas,

Look here Fatty-boombalatty, I don't like you and I'm pretty sure you don't like me. I'm pretty sure because of that whole "Santa-brought-you-a-new-Daddy" debacle from 2nd grade. Oh sure, he seemed nice, good job and all that. Let's just ignore the life time membership to NAMBLA card in his wallet and the "Go Pedophilia" foam finger and pennant he always sported. 'You'll be fine, little PK.' Screw you.

I'm past it, not bitter at all.

Instead of a traditional gift, I was planning on asking you to kill that no-good S.O.B. who watched his shopping cart careen across the parking lot at Piggly-Wiggly and smashed square upside my sweet ass PK Mobile. What a Jerk Face. I knew it wasn't the right time to try to do my own grocery shopping. I should have left that to The Pickled Mick, (It's in the contract, read it again). Well anyway, I came in off the ledge about killing that tool-chest.

My request this year is about me. Just me. Look, I've done pretty well for myself over the years. I helped build this successful blog with a ridiculously huge corporate office and a bloated staff. We could be a virtual company, but I care about these fuck-knuckle's families. In addition to that, I have been running that ~~Chicks with Dicks smuggling ring~~ Taiwanese Orphan adoption agency with great success. Also, it's been 18 months since I've even thought about starting a hobo fight.

So it is with great sincerity that I ask you for something that would fill a void in my life.

Blow. Job.

(Short of that, I'd like Julie the Hippie American Doll. She's keen)

Happy and Merry Blah Blah Blah,

PK

Listen and Listen Good, Fat Man...

2010-12-15T10:55:00.009-06:00

When the higher ups at D&D asked me to submit my letter to Santa, it was on me to go retrieve it from him as I do not recall what I wrote.

I sauntered on down to the local mall and bullied my way to the front of the Santa line via all manner of elbows and cuss words. After some intense enhanced interrogation, he finally gave it up.

I carefully uncrumpled and attempted to decipher the random lines on the paper (Seriously. Random lines. In Crayon. On manilla paper... what was I drinking!?) and this is what I think it said:

-------------------

Dear Boo -

In my yearly missive to you, I have decided not to ask anything for myself. I have everything a man of 33 can ask for. A deserted building to squat in, a stolen bicycle to haul my ass around, and a Commodore 64 to bang out random thoughts on.

No, this year, I have decided to use my three wishes on you, kind sir. Maybe next year if I find myself still working for D&D for $1.20 an hour, you can grant my wish of a seedy death curled up behind the dumpster at the Big Lots with that male stripper I left bound and degraded last week (I should really go check on him...) with a needle of bleach in my arm.

I have done a lot of thinking about your personal and working situations and I hope you don't mind me wishing better for you. In doing so, I am going to be making assumptions about your life and judging you oh so hard. Please don't take this the wrong way.

Your Living Situation

It's cold where you are. So cold, in fact, that the natural weight that women put on in the winter happens year round, so there is no "swimsuit season" to work towards. This has adverse affects on both you and your wife. Time to dump her, the climate, and/or both.

Nobody is happy in cold climates. Look at the folks in North Dakota. There is not happiness there, and when is the last time you saw a hot chick from the Dakotas? It is depressing, really.

Your Work Situation

You surround yourself with elves who, while might be the right height, are never portrayed as particularly attractive.

You may not really be able to improve your employee situation and that is OK. I understand that midgets have mystical powers that can’t be found in normal portioned humans and these powers are used to make wooden trains and whistles and such. They may not fall under the child labor laws of our land, but you have got to distance in case someone finds it questionable, or before you catch something from them.

But Santa, I want you to know that I have the answer and that these are my wishes for you. Relocate and surround yourself with appropriate staff to make your life easier. I mean, you have been around forever and a change of scenery might do you good.

Wish #1: Get yourself an executive office in the tropics:

Wish #2: Hire a capable onsite office manager to make sure shit gets done back at the factory:Wish #3: Get yourself a proper elf assistant to serve as your companion. Utilize that “Naughty/Nice List” that you have to find one that is a little of both, you know?

I hope I have helped you think about some things, here. I will be back next year with my normal list of selfish wants of cash, hot cars, and fast women. If you decide NOT to take my advice, however, consider the picture above as my complete Christmas List.

Yours in Claus,

The Pickled Mick

-------------------

'Twas the Night Before Christmas in the D&D Office....

2010-12-14T18:28:00.004-06:00

“Whew! Long day finally coming to a close. Can’t wait to join the Down and Distant boys at the bar for our last get together before Christmas. I couldn’t have asked for a better year with a better team than I have had this year. Honestly, I don’t think that Santa could even think of anything to give me that I don’t already have. Sorry fat ass, no need for you this year.”

Poon shuts down his computer by hitting ctrl+alt+delete, but then accidentally locks it instead of shutting it down.

“Fuck”

Unlocks the computer and then shuts it down the proper way. He continues to pack away his paperwork from the work filled day into his brown satchel…NOT A MURSE – A SATCHEL! As he stands up from his mahogany desk, he hears a faint rustling in the background.

“Hello? PK? You still here?”

A tall shadow casts across the floor of the D & D lobby outlining a large built man carrying some sort of item on his shoulder.

“Hairy! Did you bring in that three legged emu with a stiffie you were talking about handling up on? If so, I can leave…..or join…..your call.”

“HoHoHoly shit you are an idiot.”

“Santa.” Poon said with a glazed over look in his eyes. “I thought I said I didn’t need your fat ass around here this year.”

Santa turns the corner from the lobby and comes into full view staring Poon directly in the face. “I don’t think I asked your fucking opinion you perverted shit!”

He then walks slowly through the office turning over desk by desk; shattering lamps and dismantling computers in the process. Poon sits idly at his desk watching the fat man unravel at a rapid pace before his eyes. Once Santa has finished demolishing the D & D office, he stands at the open door of Poon’s corner office pulling two semi automatic assault rifles from his large bag on his back.

“Now it’s time for you to meet my two friends…Naughty and Nice. Which one have you been?”

Poon grabs his 9mm from his chest strap and unloads his clip as Santa fires back with a barrage of short spurts of fire from his rifles. Poon dives across the floor of his office while dodging bullets to crouch behind his couch. Santa stands at the door continuously firing his rounds at Poon.

With a crazy stare the fat one yelled, “MEET DASHER, DANCER, PRANCER, VIXEN, COMET, CUPID, DONNER AND BLITZEN!!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!”

Poon pulls his last grenade from crotch (which he doesn’t need at all to show that he’s got something down there…..seriously, it’s just for emergencies…..seriously) pulls the pin and chunks it right at the door. Santa grabs it mid-air and throws it out of the now shattered window to the ground below. Poon then realizes that he is done for and begins singing the theme to his favorite show to comfort him.

“The world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you….”

At that time he hears a loud yell. “HEY FAT ASS!!!”

The gunfire stops and he glances from behind the couch to see Savant standing right behind a now nervous and fearful Santa. Savant pulls his knife to the fat man’s throat and whispers, “You forgot Rudolph fucker.”

Savant slices through Santa’s throat and softly lays him down at his feet as he bleeds.

“You forgot Rudolph? That’s the best thing you had?” said Poon.

“What would you have said? By the way, a thank you would be in order if you don’t mind”

“I mean I know it was in the moment or whatever, but that was kinda gay. I think I may have rather him just keep shooting at me instead of hearing that crap. How are you going to retell this story with a straight face?”

“Ok dick. You want to sit here and dwell on this and explain to Rosa the maid why there is a dead fat man bleeding to death or do you want to meet up with everyone and not tell them you were singing Different Strokes while Santa Clause fired bullets at you?”

“Why you gotta call me out like that? I suppose you have a deal. First round’s on me. And by that I mean first beer, not that beer-shot-cocktail combo crap.”

“Jew.”

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Poon night!

d&d Letters to Santa - Buckeye Savant

2010-12-08T08:50:00.003-06:00

Arkansas Civil War reenactors don't play fair. Hicks!

Dear Santa,

We've always had a pretty good relationship...I still believe in you and I never lost faith through the "virginity years" or the dark days known as the John Cooper Era of Ohio State football. Eventually, I got some regular justice and the Bucks won another national championship - so it's all good.

Recently, I have tried my gosh-darn best to be good...well, apart from the sexual deviance, drinking to excess, and jokes about ethnic minorities or handicapped people (are they still considered people?). [Ed. They're super!]

Anyway, let's cut to the chase, what I really, really want this year is a victory over Arkansas for my Buckeyes in the Sugar Bowl. You see Santa, if we don't beat down the red-neck, inbred, stinky, Southerners once in a while, they might forget who won the War...and we really can't have that now, can we?

Jim Tressel has been good...he's a God-fearing, military supporting, leader of fine young men at The Ohio State University...and, by golly, he deserves a Sugar Bowl win for his team!!

In order to keep it fair, I promise to put-out a nice bottle of Bourbon for you this year - along with some hash browns (that aren't made from potatoes), and just for good measure, a couple copies of Leg Show and Shaved Orientals (which I borrowed from PK). Feel free to enjoy, but don't take them with you ...and I wouldn't go shining any black lights around them.

I am not asking for too much...let's just say Buckeyes 30 Razorbacks 21.

...and Santa, I'll owe you one!!

Merry Christmas!

Buckeye Savant

The Pickled Mick is in the house

2010-12-07T14:32:00.003-06:00

Hi kids! A few months back, PK asked me about contributing to Down & Distant. You will, no doubt, be honored to hear that after drinking on it for a few months, I have decided to crawl out of the gutter, swish some lake water to get rid of the $5 bottle of whiskey on my breath and give this blogging crap a whirl.

As with all bad ideas, I was approached under the spell of alcohol because that is really the only way anything ever gets done around here. It is also the only way ideas from this group sound any good.

PK : Hey man, you're moderately funny and can really take a donkey punch, wanna write something for our blog?

Pickled Mick: Gotta check my schedule. You see, I do a lot of volunteering for the rich showing them the proper way to wear live kittens as shoes.

PK: Great! But, don't use that line, it’s not funny and kittens are my favorite food. All you got to do is be raunchy, touch the sports base occasionally, and don't be funnier than me. You also have to service Poon regularly with your mouth. You will find your D&D kneepads in your staff locker.

So, after reading through posts here and after having a few intense sessions of furious sweaty self gratification to some of the pictures, I decided to “give it the old college try”.

Speaking of, there is one picture that I would like to call out. That picture that Poon posted along with his post of his diva like contract rider that he sends to every hotel prior to checking in is captivating. I currently have that photo as my wallpaper on my cell phone, computer, and am actually having it made into real wallpaper for my man den. Every time I see it I immediately begin to work myself like a Shake Weight.

Yours in Christ,

The Pickled Mick.

I Miss You.....

2010-12-03T20:39:00.002-06:00

Not in a gay way, but more in a caressing my underboob kind of way. Of course this is going out to my brothers from Columbus and fellow D&D contributors. It was a hell of a weekend filled with blackouts, minivans and a whole lot of anal.......retentive guys correcting each others vocabulary. After returning to Dallas, balls swelled and 15 additional pounds of water weight (water used loosely), I realized that I have to get my shit together.

No it's not the fact that I realized that I could never be a star in a midget western, but the pure shitty feeling I have had all week. Would I trade it? Fuck your mother......and no I wouldn't. I would go back right now and destroy anything close to a liver that I may have left in a heartbeat. That is an open invitation for someone to buy me a ticket, FYI.

What do I do about this? Well, I sit around on the last day of November and have a nice drink and think of the stupidest fucking thing I could ever imagine. Next I write that down and sign this so called contract so that I have to abide by it. Before I get to the meat of this taint, let me tell you how I believe that I came to this.

During the first day/night/morning in Columbus, I had a few too many and maybe muttered something that I do not remember such as "Why you gotta call me out like that?" Memory FAIL. Retelling that story when I returned back to Dallas arose the question, "How much whiskey had you had by that time?"

"Oh, I didn't drink any whiskey. Just beer and some vodka on the plane."

Hmm....funny because in multiple pictures I am seen with a tall glass of a dark substance which I can only assume is bourbon and coke or whiskey and coke. This has since been validated by PK. Thanks......dick.

So let it be known that from this day forth during the month of December in the year of our Santa Jesus 2010, Poon shalln't consume the following until the fortnight is nigh upon us. I don't know what the fuck a fortnight is, so let's just say until January 1st, 2011.

1. No red meat

2. No bourbon

3. No whiskey

Bring on the meth bitches.

Declaration of IndePOONdence

Clap, Clap, Clap...

2010-11-08T13:22:00.002-06:00

No I am not referring to the respective diseases staffers Poon, PK, and Hairy Carray picked-up on a recent staff road trip (read "bender") to Ann Arbor, where, incidentally, the woman are fat and the football weak, but they make up for it by having the worst cocktail in the world!*** Instead, I am simply listing what follows the "overrated" chant. And when it comes to overrated in sports for the year 2010, I can think of no more deserving team than the Dallas Cowboys.

Now I have cheered for some bad teams during my lifetime - including some REALLY bad Cleveland Indians squads - but never has a team with so many advantages been this fricking lousy. Homer Simpson may have been referring to the 2010 Cowboys when he uttered his famous phrase "the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked." Of course, he may have been asked to critique the authors of the witty prose posted on this website. On second thought, that's pretty unlikely because I, not unlike the rest of our crack staff, like to rock out with my caulk out.

OK - back to the Cowboys...

Fabulous new stadium? Check. High-priced roster? Check. Fanatical fan-base? Yep. Tradition? As good as any in the National Football League.

Results? Results? Anyone...anyone...results?

One win...one win!?!? That's all they have is one God damn win.

America's Team, my ass. Overrated is more like it.

My name is Buckeye Savant. I love hot Indian - you know "dot" Indian - women, an occasional Washington Apple shot, the Cleveland Indians...and I am out!

***Ann Arbor Highball, the worst cocktail EVER = 2 parts Cutty Sark + 2 parts Tab Cola.

Elvis was a Bad Ass

2010-11-02T15:45:00.002-05:00

Having recently parlayed my "Paul Stanley" hairy chest, prescription sunglasses, and $100 jumpsuit and wig into my own personal spin on The King of Rock-N-Roll, I feel somewhat compelled to blog about Elvis. I mean this dude was the definition of bad ass...when you can eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches, burgers, and BBQ pizza and balloon-up to nearly three bills - and still get super-model p*ssy, you really are The King. Ann Margaret? Tapped it! Natalie Wood? Knocked the bottom out of it!

Elvis could wear whatever the f*ck he wanted too. If I could pull wool like that wearing an open chest bedazzled white jumpsuit, I'd probably never wear anything else. (Editorial note: remove the word "probably").

And what about the Memphis Mafia? Keeping your cronies close is always a good idea (note to Poon: remember the little people on your way to the top). Elvis even had a dude who carried a cigar box with everything he might need at a given moment in time (thin cigars, Viseine drops, gum, hard candy, chocolate, uppers, downers etc.). Although pure speculation, I am pretty sure the d & d staff cigar box would contain the following: rodent nail clippers, gum, roofies, industrial size bottle of knock-off cologne ('cause you never know when a gas station will run out), ball gag, beads manufactured for an as-yet unknown purpose...you know - just the basics.

To further illustrate how bad ass he was, let's recall his trip to Nixon's White House to visit the president in order to discuss anti-drug legislation...while he was stoned to the Bejesus Belt. Balls of steel on that King of Rock-N-Roll, I tell ya.' Nixon even gave him a stinkin' badge - despite the fact that he really didn't need it.

Aside from the whole impacted bowel heart attack on the toilet thing, I think I'd walk a mile in The King's shoes.

Thank you...thank you very much!

Tales From the Road

2010-10-21T16:05:00.005-05:00

As I sit along with a noose around my neck in a sketchy hotel room in Longview, I have plenty of time to ponder the ways of the world.....while taking a massive hot wing based double tapered shit. Although I am not the daintiest of mammals, I do have a few things that I require from hotels that I am not really feeling here.

As a Hilton Gold Club member, I do demand a certain degree of acknowledgement from the green card-less staff. Don't ask me if I want a bottle of water each day in my room....of fucking course I do! When I come into room 119 (ladies) at 2:15 am after trolling through the local Applebee's until their midnight shutdown time shortly followed by a trip to the local Jaguars to ensure that some female touches my penis before I go back to the hotel and fire off in the shower (don't act like you don't do it); I want to be able to quench my cotton mouth at 4am with a delicious bottle of Ozarka water. Shit. It's not 3rd grade math people!

Here are a few other small requirements I have while traveling:

1. No outside entry. This lovely place has outside only entry into the rooms. It's not that I HAVE to have a lobby so I can hit on the midnight clerk, I just know of too many horror movies that start with outside entry shady hotels.......then again I know of quite a few fuck films that start with that also......retract statement.

2. Complimentary happy hour. Hampton is VERY good about this. When staying at a Hampton, I strongly recommend testing the happy hour waters. 530-730 all you can drink. If you get lucky they will also have hard liquor. It's a good way to either start your night or power drink and pass out with your dick between the gonorrhea infested mattresses. Your call.

3. Complimentary breakfast. And I'm not talking about that "continental" shit. If I wanted to stare at old people and eat Frosted Flakes, I would take my morning cereal into a funeral. I want something good like sausage and fake eggs. If you want to throw in an omelet here and there, I'm down for that too.

4. Free parking. Yes, there are places that still charge. I was taken by that not too long ago in San Antonio. Luckily to recoup my losses, I stashed 13 Mexicans in my trunk and sold them outside of Home Depot. That reminds me....I think I only have sales receipts for 11. Note to self - check trunk next week.

5. Free WiFi. As I find more examples of illegally downloaded music being monitored along with the embarrassment of my involvement at RedTube.com and meatspin.com, I feel that I should borrow someone else's IP address.

6. Yes, they are both NSFW so please do not search for those websites at the work PC.

7. Microwave not built into a cavity in the wall. Hampton in Longview - Fail.

In closing, I will share just a few tips that I have learned over the years.
- Use your own razor.
- Don't trust the shampoo supplied by the hotel.
- DO NOT FOR ANY REASON DRINK THE SINK WATER!
- Take your own toilet paper. Your fingernails will thank you.

I love you and miss you,

Poon

Getting off the Schneid

2010-10-19T15:10:00.002-05:00

Although fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to get through college, it does just fine in terms of moth-balling a blog for more than a year.

There was certain addictive comfort in the realization that we could sit around unkempt in our bathrobes, eating Cheetos, and temporarily staining our genitals with a deep orange (and tasty) coating, but when one of our own referred to us as gentlemen, we knew it was time to break the silence. No more "silent but deadly" from our camp. More like "loud and putrid." Buckle-up gentle readers because we are back and better than ever.

OK - that was ambitious.

We're back...until the next bulk Cheetos purchase - when we promise to pay for 13 bags in the 10 Items or Fewer line.

Boom - FACIAL!!!

My name is Buckeye Savant. I'm a Libra, my favorite color is scarlet, I like walks in the rain, and I am OUT.

Put The Gun Down

2010-10-16T23:16:00.001-05:00

Stop it. Not kidding. Stop it. It's not over.
I can't tell you how many calls I've had tonight from my d-bag friends saying that the season is over. Are you serious? Have you not realized yet that college football is the most exciting sport in this God forsaken world for a reason? Did you spend the entire 2007 season tattooing "jackpot!" on your taint?

The thing that we all must realize is that nothing fucking matters right now. This is a long season and I know that we have some bullshit teams that are gong to run the board but we have to stay eagerly waiting for the next upset to happen. It. Will. Happen.

Is it going to be another number 1? Maybe not, but a top 5 I guarantee. Mark it. That is the beauty of college football and the reason that we stay glued to the tv each week even through games we could personally give two shits about. For the upsets.

Am I sad? Abso-fucking-lutely you soulless Nazi Hitler. But stay strong and the promised land will arrive sooner than you think.

Also on a related note, I despise Boise State. I would rather jerk off Lenny Kravitz with my asshole than watch you in another bowl game? Take your Statue of Liberty play and shove it up your big blue ass!

Also do yourself a favor and read this.
http://www.playboy.com/magazine/features/pole-dancing/pole-dancing.html

Cordially,
Poon

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Waimea St,Frisco,United States

2 days til Mad Men season 4

2010-07-23T14:29:00.005-05:00

Still Going.......

2010-07-14T23:32:00.000-05:00

Good morrow taint smashers. Wonder if I have been keeping to my promise of the 5k? First, do you not have anything better to do than think about this? Tool. Second yes I am. Still going strong. And by strong I mean this blows more than Lloyd Carr at a Shriners Convention. Don't ask how I know. Just don't.

Lost a little weight and feeling better about myself but still far from where I wanted to be. We are a week away and I really am a bit disappointed where I am. Either way it will be good experience for the next one. I plan on doing this regularly. Kind of fun really.

Since you mother lickers have had to read the most boring crap ever during this, I have included the highlights from the ESPYs tonight. January Jones. You're f-ing welcome.

Poon Draper

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Frisco, TX

Long.......hard........

2010-06-23T12:59:00.000-05:00

Well that's enough about my penis. Back to running. I am still going strong running almost daily. Endurance is building and starting to even lose a little weight. I'm really looking forward to this and getting kind of nervous honestly. At first my goal was to just finish the 5k but I'm actually going to run the whole way and hopefully get a decent time.

As you can see, I'm in Amarillo for work. Sitting in the airport killing time since there was an "operational issue" with our plane. While I was going through security and in the midst of the voluntary cavity search, I saw one of our troops walking off of his plane. He turned the corner towards the gate exit when he dropped his bag and sprinted towards the waiting area just outside of the gate crying his eyes out. I then heard a loud scream and saw his wife running towards him with open arms. She leapt into his arms and they both remained there hugging and crying while I continued onto my gate. I had the same feeling I do during the national anthem. Lump in my throat holding back tears.

Although this is the first time I have seen this, it happens everyday and it doesn't happen more than we would like to think. With that said, my donations along with my contribution will go to some sort of fallen soldier fund. If you know one that you would recommend/support let me now.

Private Poon

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Rosenwald Dr,Atimarillo,United States

Bad News

2010-06-14T19:36:00.001-05:00

Hey there little one. Want to hear a story? Well tough shit you're going to hear it anyways. I have bad news for everyone. I'm fatter than I thought. 261. Must have read the scale wrong Friday. Either way had a good workout. 2.71 miles on the machine in 31 minutes. If I was just guessing I'm going to finish this 5k in a little less than 1.6 hours. I mean Jesus.

Going to get back to actual running tomorrow as I really think that is going to be better for me overall. Getting pretty excited for this thing. I have a couple of people on board for the donations so thank you all.

Enough with the bullshit. Let's talk football. So as of tonight it looks like the Big12 will become the Big10 and the Big10 will become the Big12 while the Pac10 continues to be the cock stain in my tightie-whities. All of this fuss for nothing. I'm kind of disappointed honestly. When all of the dust settles we will have a spare Big12 network that will do nothing but prevent us from getting closer to a playoff. Fuck off you burnt orange dicks. You just keep on beating everyone in the conference (sans Oklahoma every other year) and coast through your easy out of conference schedule to mediocre your way to a BCS game. I pray to Betty White that tOSU whips the orangutan feces off your faces.

Cordially yours,
Poon

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Waimea St,Frisco,United States

Day 2

2010-06-11T19:33:00.003-05:00

Day 2

Weight 252

Cup Size B+

Today was day 2 of the Couch to 5k challenge for me. After I posted last night I received support from probably the only two people that read this so thank you both. I was thinking about settling the language down a bit and spreading this around so it may happen early next week. Until then, I will continue on here.

First of all, I am changing the name. Couch to 5k is an iPhone app that I downloaded and didn't use since it is a 9 week training curriculum and i have 6 weeks before the big day. From now on, this will be called the "Fat to 5k". I was thinking of "Titty Buster" or "Scrote Buster" but they both were taken by Vivid Video.

For reference, the elliptical machine is much easier than actually running. After my mediocre start to this last night of two miles that was made mostly up of walking more than running, the machines at the gym gave me a good break while still working up a sweat. Ok, I was on the 6 incline but.......and I had the generic workout going but i assur..........AND THE OLD LADY NEXT TO ME WAS CALLING ME A PUSSY! OK WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? HIT HER IN THE TWAT?

Either way, glad I forced myself to go. Actually passed on happy hour with a few people to go to the gym which (not sure if you have met me) is hard for me to do. I have a few tests ahead of me this weekend which consists of meeting up with PK for a few and a Luau party tomorrow night where I am supposed to meet a friend's friend that "has a new set of honkers" as so gracefully said by her. I'll tell you one thing that the Mesquite area spit out.....sophistication.

I actually plan on writing here daily unless I move to the new blog.

Also, I question the credibility of this blog. I was going to put in a few labels for this post (which as you can see are quite sophisticated if I may say so myself) and when I typed in "poo" it brought up "poo clown suit". What. The. Hell. Is it odd that I want to read that post now? And also that I may be a bit aroused?

Poontathalon

Couch to 5k

2010-06-10T21:40:00.000-05:00

Since apparently we aren't using this space for anything else, I am going to take you through my trek to complete a personal goal of mine. Running a 5k.
So it may not be a marathon but for my fat drinking ass, it's a start so don't you look down your nose at me. Dick.

What started this? Glad you asked. I recently went through a breakup with Ms. Poon that I took (and still taking) harder than I let on. I have been very lucky that I have some of the best people in my life that I could hope for. The last time I had a breakup I decided to drink through it and hope it went away. Well I did and that whore ended up having a kid with my ex best friend. Funny....she always wanted me to finish in hole #2. Point Poon.....holding serve.

Anyways this time I wanted to do something with my life so I decided to get my shit together. Eating decent, working out and maybe doing a little good for humanity while I'm at it. That's where the 5k comes in.

The 5k I am running in 6 weeks will donate it's proceeds to a children's charity. On top of that have made the effort to make those fuckers that laugh at me for doing this pay by betting me that I will not finish. So far I have two $20 bets. I would love nothing more than to drink this away, however, I am going to donate the money I raise from you all to charity. More than likely a children's charity of some sort.

I want to keep this blog up to date on my progress and the outcome. Yes I will throw some funny in here so it's not a blog that reads like My Sister's Keeper. Although it may have some children in it at some point. Like you don't think about it.

So far the training began tonight with running(ish) a mile and walking a mile. Legs are a little shaky but holding strong. Need to work on lung capacity for sure.

Stay tuned and if you want to donate leave a comment or email me. Bwantland81@yahoo.com

Pooncerely,

Poon

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Waimea St,Frisco,United States

Most Misquoted Movie Lines

2010-04-01T18:57:00.001-05:00

To my humble minions. We aren't back by any means but we are smugly attempting to see if this works.

What started this.
Sitting alone at the hotel bar you hear many things.
"is that your real penis?"
"can I borrow some coke?"
"is that little girl yours? Can I borrow her for a bit?"

My big pet peeve I just realized is people stating their "favorite" line from a movie and grossly misquoting it. Example for tonight. "don't put baby in the corner."

Bitch.

Submit your most misquoted movie lines in the comments. Winner will get a quick slap in the face before being donkey punched. You're welcome fuckers.

Just Click the Second "Play" Icon and Enjoy....

2009-11-18T21:02:00.001-06:00

http://www.theunticket.com/tcu-tribute-song-muser-mumblings/

hermaphrodite rebate
monkey pumpkin
AIDS uterus
horse seven-iron
pumpkin scrotum
billygoat tophat
scrotum deliverance
Danish handpuppet
ant three-pointer
bird switchblade
I’m a hot chick
super glue my penis
kangaroo seven iron
Hispanic elements
gay lizard
electric monkeypox
gay for people of my own opposite sex
placenta facial
buffalo printer
________
hippopotamus
gay and pregnant
neti pot
concrete tasty chicken
cat breath
billygoat instigator
crossstich parakeet
Jesus GPS
donkey machete
bisexual george

How the NFL Ruined Football......and My Life

2009-09-20T23:24:00.002-05:00

No pictures and no funny title....no asshole not because we are not funny, because this is a serious post this week. Ok, we really aren't very funny and by this week I mean the second post this year. I'm such an overachiever.
Week three of college ball and week two of pro ball is almost in the books and what a season we have so far. I don't want to drone on about upsets, injuries or who you should start in your fantasy leagues mainly because I don't know and I'm not educated enough to form complete sentences about any of those topics. I do want to talk about something that I finally witnessed today that will ruin pro football for me.
Cable, satellite and U-verse users (AT&T plug. If you haven't already, please check it out and see if it's available in your area. www.att.com/uverse) welcome to the NFL RedZone channel. Yeah, the fucking NFL RedZone channel. Don't have NFL Sunday Ticket with DirecTV? No worries, this takes the place of all of the shitty parts of all of the games and lets you get to the meat of the games. Basically, the RedZone channel will cut to every game that is in the (guesses?........) RedZone. Hence the name dumbass. I expect more out of you. Couldn't even guess that right. Sounds great? Can't wait to get your remote next week to check it out? Not so fast young one.....
Pro's and Con's:
Pro - You can see every touchdown that is scored each week. They actually state that. That's fucking impressive. What happens if two games score at the same time? They will cut back and forth to let you see every significant play.
Con - You completely get sucked into this channel. I had two games on this morning, both good matchups and what did I do? I watched this channel through most of the day. I missed who knows how many great other plays that I would get a boner about. Big hits? Missed it. Did I see that 4th down stand? Nope, but I did see that insignificant 2 yard touchdown run.
Pro - It's in HD. HELL YEAH BITCHES!!! HD. Crystal clear picture for every game that is going on. I couldn't ask for more.
Con - What happens when there are no games in the redzone? Well, apparently they choose one of two options. They will switch to either game that I have locally playing like I can't already fucking see that, or they will switch to any game that includes a team that will in no means on God's green earth reach the playoffs.
Pro - Did I mention HD? Ok. Did you miss something during the day? Between 6 and 630 CST, they will replay all of the days touchdowns. Nicely done. Sometimes SportsCenter doesn't show exactly what I wanted out of some games and you have that covered. Well done sir.
Con - Not a ton of player stats. If you are looking for a recap of player stats for your fantasy leagues, this is not your place to be. Do like I did and have your laptop going with two windows open. One has Yahoo live streaming going and the other has ESPN live gamecast going. Loser. (looking into the mirror) WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOUR WHORE LIPSTICK ON YOU FILTHY WHORE! YEAH YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A DIRTY WHORE!

Overall what do I think? Why they hell can't you make a decision on your own? Get it or request it and check it out for yourself. Bitch.

What a wonderful day to hang myself....

2009-01-09T18:40:00.005-06:00

(front door opens to a dark abandoned D&D headquarters)
Hello-o-o-----o--------o???
Anyone here?
Wow, the old office looks so sad these days.
(flicks light switch to reveal the distressed remains of the once prestigious HQ)
Oh, look at the rotting dog carcass! I remember when PK asphyxiated himself while pleasuring his anus when i was using it as a sock puppet.
And the hole in the bathroom stall when we tried to play who's wiener tastes worse after 2 seconds in a bloody asshole with the intern. Damn I miss those days. I wonder what the old crew is up to now?
Too bad this will be the last time that I look at this old place. It has come to my attention lately that I am so fucking cursed with this college football shit that I am bringing this disaster to and end. I had to watch Utah pull of that crap and I really don't want to hear them bitch for a year on how they deserve to be #1. Be thankful you are number 2 you British cigarettes!

Utah - you are why I am hanging myself.

And Oklahoma....why lose to Florida? Why? I hate hearing that God sucking mother fucker Tebow with his big tittied ass girlfriend say how great he is and how much he has done for society.

Oklahoma - you are why I am hanging myself.

Fox. Really? I heard your spare ass BCS crew tell me all game how much Tebow has meant to college football and how the Gaytors are destined to win.

Fox - you are why I am hanging myself.

Fiesta Bowl was a great game....if you do not hate Texas. Well I fucking do. I was upset that tOSU lost and I really think that I am a curse to Buckeye nation, but I would rather suck on Mark Mangino's underboob than have that Colt McCoy fuck-knuckle win another game.

Texas - you are why I am hanging myself.

Is it a bit much? Possibly. But after 8 months crying my bloody rectum to sleep after sucking dick and taking bribes for a quick shot from a rusty AIDS infested meth needle to the forehead while in rehab, why wouldn't I.

(the noose tosses above the doorway to the old office as I tighten it up to make sure I don't screw this up. I fit my head inside the noose and snug it to my neck. A mild erection occurs)

Well...didn't expect that. Fuck it, just jump off the stool and call it a day.

Ok, maybe one last quickie.

Savant: Dude, what the FUCK are you doing?!? Where have you been?

(Hairy Carray, Pork Chop U and PK follow Savant in the doorway)

I thought this was done? I thought we boarded the place up for good? I thought more than anything we realized we suck at this and ran out of material?

PK: Well we did. We were going to light ourselves on fire in here and burn down with the building.

Oh.....sorry to ruin that bag of fun.

Pork Chop: 3 BCS losses in a row really buried us too.

Hairy Carray: Hey Poon, why is your back to us?

Uh....no reason.....

PK: You have got to stop masturbaiting......

Poon: Why?

The end?

Lock the door behind you, Poon.

2008-05-21T14:16:00.004-05:00

The Grand Old Lady - Boarded up. Sad, huh?

Memo: To all employees, fans, readers and haters, etc.

Subject: The future of down and distant

From: PK, Editor in Chief.

It saddens me to do this but I have been left with no real alternative. And no, Savant, turning this into a homosexual KISS fan match making service is NOT a real alternative. IT’S NOT.

I digress. It became clear that we needed a restructuring of our corporate culture, mission statement, contributor staff and even the building itself. We haven’t been living up to our end of the bargain in writing the blog. So we are taking a step back and reorganizing.

We are also going virtual. No more corporate offices, assigned parking spaces, executive wash rooms, full release massage stations in the lobby, and <> no more free Ben and Jerry’s in the cafeteria. All were too costly and way too distracting. To be honest though, I probably wouldn’t be making this kind of announcement if it hadn’t be for the tragic events of last week.

It was a normal Tuesday morning, Poon was just waking up on the couch in his office (as his wife still won’t let him in the house since the “Boston Cream Pie incident of 2006.”) when he heard a thunderous racket outside his office. He looked out through the mail slot to see PorkChop and Hairy Carrey dressed only in jock-straps and rollerblades dragging a burlap bag full of very angry badgers. They were screaming at the top of their lungs the destination of their feral cargo -- Savant’s assistant Tristen’s office. The distruction ended up being massive. Not only in the physical structure of the office building, but the morale and purpose of the organization.

It’s a wake up call for sure. Bottom line: We’re selling the building and all it’s contents. We’ll be attending a team building retreat in Pago Pago in hopes of repairing our fractured relationships. (except for HC. He has to stay back so he doesn’t miss his anal bleaching appointment…he’s almost done) The real work will need to be done between me and that VAG Poon. Don’t get me started.

When we return in a few weeks or so we’ll have a renewed vision and a real mission statement. We’ll probably have all the same contributors and most likely a couple more. We’ll have some weekly series to run as well. We will rise again.

Stay tuned.
PK

Note: Despite our break for vision, energy, and creative renewal, you'll be relieved to learn that Michigan will continue sucking, as always.

That time of the month

2008-04-25T15:11:00.003-05:00

I was going to start this off by using a common blogging tool loosely titled “Real life and work got in the way of posting anything, lately.” You and I both know that that is a cubic ton of shit. There are 5 so called contributors to this thing. We just suck.

Let’s go into the weekend with another installment of the lame-o You Write Our Blog For Us. aka Fun Photo Caption.

So next week we will redouble our efforts and churn out some seriously kick-ass blogocity. Real award winning stuff. But instead of “redouble our efforts” insert "continue looking for gooey treasures in our noses." And in place of "award winning stuff", say "maybe sometime in May."

PK out

Dominus Nabisco

2008-04-16T08:31:00.004-05:00

As you’ve heard by now the Pope is in da house. It’s only the third time ever that a Pope has visited the US. So in honor of His Royal Religious Highnessocity’s visit we’re taking a look back at the recent “New” sins that His Popeness added a few weeks ago. The Vatican announced several new sins for 2008 - including causing environmental blight and bioethical violations. Never a website to ignore the topic of sins (or an opportunity to make a new list), we at d&d would like to offer some suggestions for sins that didn't make Pope Benedict's list.

Premature Ejaculation - I mean come on (sorry)…early departure really isn't good for anyone, is it? Perhaps by making it a sin, Hairy Carray will work on his "issue." Men, don't forget practice makes perfect and if that doesn't work, you could always think of dung beetles (thanks to Jason Bigg's character from American Pie for that jewel).

Cheering for M*chigan - In the realm of good vs. evil, you certainly don't want to live in the shadows by cheering for the Evil Fiefdom (they suck too much to be an empire). Many sins have a gray area, but not this one. Just don't do it. Rooting for the Buckeyes is surely the path to salvation, but if you can't dig on the Scarlet and Gray, just don't support the Maize and Blue or you will suffer a fate worth than death (unless you like the Capital One Bowl).

Driving Slow in the Left Lane - Frankly, this should have made the list 40 years ago. Who are all these slow-driving in the left lane M-Fers? Get out of the left lane and get into the express lane to Hell, assholes!

Talking on Your Cell Phone While in a Check-Out Line - If it's not an emergency (lining-up sex for later, ordering tickets to a Buckeyes' game, or renewing your subscription to down and distant), then wait until later. If you're on your phone while in the queue at McDonald's, we hope some one ejaculates (but not prematurely) in the tartar sauce on your filet of fish.

If you need further New Age spiritual guidance, please contact d&d. Add your additions to the list in the comment section, heathen.

War Hallelujah!

Out

(of the left lane, assholes)

Buckeye Savant

And the winner.....

2008-04-03T17:09:00.005-05:00

Hairy Carrey reacts to the realization that PorkChop didn't pick a winner.

I was going to write about the final four. Yes, I know I didn’t capitalize it like CBS wants me to—but we don’t get any advertising dollars from them and I still don’t have a cool, expensive car that makes me feel good about myself, so go pound sand up your ass.

I might be the least qualified person of all the writers (and I use that term loosely) on D&D to write anything about basketball. This year, I have paid less attention to the NCAA tournament than I have to my stepson’s World ofWarcraft game. No titties, no watchie.

I wasn’t even going to fill out a bracket for the first time in 20 years. I didn’t have the emotional depth to think about it after Ohio State took the skin bus to poop town. I mean, really, the NIT? Can anyone else see that turd merchant from Florida spray painting on the wall yet? Or is it just me?
So some dude from down the hall came by my office on Thursday morning at 10:30 and told me to write a check for $11 and fill out a bracket. That’s right. Eleven dollars. Mars, bitches.

So I filled it out in two minutes, which is what everyone says when the bracket they filled out sucks harder than Billy Joel at Ozzfest. And I had listened to some fuckface at ESPN on the radio that morning who said, “Ooh Georgetown, when they get through putting the hurt on everyone, it’s going to be worse the CIA’s Phoenix Program in Vietnam. Nothing but chalk.”

It ends up, all four No. 1s make it to the final four and the people who make the brackets are breaking their elbows patting themselves on the back. Come on, starch scrotes. Everyone in the world fills out at least one bracket where all the No. 1s go to the final four. My cat is winning the pool right now with that bracket.

So instead, I was going to talk about Davidson, a team that played pretty well before succumbing to the mohair anal beads that are the Kansas basketball program. And then I was going to talk about M Pork Chop U, because when I went to school, I’m pretty sure we were in the Southern Conference with Davidson. Back then, MPCU was a decent basketball school and the football team lost to Morris Harvey (College, not University). In 1985, or some other shitty year, we got a big boy tournament berth and closed down Third Avenue and threw girls in the air with stadium blankets before some fucker screamed, “Raid the 7-11!” and all 1,000 of us ran in and took every ounce of beer. And there was no rape.

And I think I remember a roadie where we went to a game against Davidson and the girls there specialized in rimjobbery. But I might be mixing up my Southern Conference schools.

So I went to MPCU’s website to corroborate said late-night scuzzery, buffoonery and other sodomies. And what to my wandering eyes appear? An abortifacient (look it up, or better yet, read a book). That’s right. My school’s crapulent website doesn’t even mention its inclusion in the Southern Conference.

And the Southern Conference website, powerhouse that it is, doesn’t even mention my school, except for Jeff Montgomery. For real. And he’s from Jackson, or is it Wellston? I can never keep them straight.

No wonder Memphis has won 37 (4,323) games in a row. Jesus, they play my squadron.
So fuck me, I guess. It’s as if MPCU didn’t play in any league that exists other than the honey-laden oases of the Conference USA. Mid America doesn’t want to remember the ThunderClap, seeing as we went stampede on everyone and heard the lamentations of the women and saw our enemies driven before us.

So, here it is. Kansas wins because Psycho T isn’t that good (do they play?). And UCLA wins because of some John Wooden thing. And then, Poon falls into the RiverWalk and is saved by a Ben-Wa ball, who is subsequently arrested for public cunnilingus.

Pork Chop Out

(Ed: So it's up to you, Turd Burglar, to pick your own winner. MPCU ripped a hammy while sitting on the fence and left it in your capable hands. So?)

Super Sexy Brackety Updates

2008-04-01T11:40:00.003-05:00

Savant fills out his bracket, at the same time predicts

the Tet Offensive, The Rodney King beating and that

Paul McCartney will marry and divorce a one-legged chick.

With the looming specter that is the MPorkChopU pickaging of the Final Four, I thought it prudent to slap a little update across your mulleted dome. For the first time in a while or ever or something all the seats at the Final Four table are filled with number 1 seeds. I’m not going to steal any of MPCU’s thunder but it looks like a match up of No. 1s in the final is pretty freakin likely. Which is nice.

Anyhoo. How’d the rest of the d&d do on their pickery? Cristal and Caviar? Or a dirty rotten Boston Cream Pie. Well I got to tell you we ROCKED IT. Seriously, I’ve never seen such pickilation.

Take my portion of the bracket for instance. I had the unenviable task of trying to finger out just how Georgetown was going to go down early to Davidson. I nailed it. 100% Bitches! Check it out here for yourself if you don’t believe me. See I told you. Don’t fuck with PK!

The other boys kicked the same amount of ass as I did. To a man – 100%. I wish we’d gone to Vegas with this shit. Dick Vitale, can suck it.

Savant with greatness
Poon with perfection
And HC with pure genius

Tomorrow – MporkChopU will open up the third story window in his corner office and speaketh more truth to you peons.

Until then.

PK out.

SITE UPDATE: The links above seem to be malfunctioning. Try this one.

Free at Last, Free at Last!!!!!

2008-03-20T19:16:00.003-05:00

My favorite comedy of all time.

Boy my ass hurts. Thanks guys for not putting up the ransom and letting me stay there all day. Seriously? He wanted $20 and a pack of Funyons. Let me preface this by saying that I have not seen any games today.
Do you not know that running this empire is more than just witty humor and constantly proving to everyone that you are the all knowing sports God? There is a lot more that goes into this than that. We have to…….well do other stuff. It’s hard to explain. Shut it. For instance this week I have been touring West Texas signing computer monitors for some of our winners from our inaugural “Angriest Beaver” competition. I would also like to take this opportunity to say congrats to my mom for winning. It’s a lot angrier than I remembered. I think that I still have hairs caught in my teeth from birth.
I have been thinking since the brackets were announced about how much of a complete ass I made of myself last year. I will still not give up on the double elimination brackets. With that said, I am here this year to redeem myself.
Let me get the shit out of the way that I don’t care about. Tossed salads (overrated, believe me I know), soap on a rope (defeats the purpose of our d&d group shower time) and dingle berries.
As far as the bracket is concerned, not only will I fully predict all of the winners from the West, but I will also predict the scores. UCLA will get into a much closer game then you might think with Miss Valley State. UCLA 87-76. With Duke going against Belmont….wait, who? Isn’t that a horse track? Well, whatever. Either way, Duke beats Barbaro U 83-64. Now are you ready for the Poon Blue Balls and a Cold Shower Bracket Buster Pick of the Year. Georgia got hot at a perfect time of year. They played 4 games in 3 days to win their tourney and they will pull off the biggest upset of the year when they defeat Xavier 76-72. Mark it mofos. As much as I hate UConn, they will beat San Diego worse than Urban Meyer beats his wife. Its true. Spread the word. 92-78. Now talk about a game that I don’t give two rotten hairy taints about. Drake will beat Western Cuntucky 68-65. If I had to make another prediction about that game, I would say that both teams get flat tires and we don’t have to waste time on SportsCenter watching the highlights. To Drake and WKU you get my Suck It award of the year. Although Baylor is known for killing people, they will not kill Purdue. P-U 82-68. I see another upset with Arizona giving WVU the Superman 79-71. For the last of the first round, I see the first and only all white school in America beating the Aggies 88-84.

This leaves the second round with UCLA vs. BYU, Drake vs. UConn, Purdue vs. Georgia, and Arizona vs. Duke.
Bill Walton will completely destroy Ty Detmer 83-68. For the love of God, get Drake out of this tourney. UConn does it in tremendous fashion winning 93-77. D.J. Shockley gets hit with another tornado and goes down on Gene Keady……deep. 88-74. Of course Duke will eliminate Arizona 91-77.

Thirds anyone? Yes, please. Less cream this time….my sheets are getting sticky. I don’t know what that means either. UCLA vs. UConn will prove exactly who is the better of the “U’s” as if any of us care. UCLA 81-79. Duke moves on easily over Purdue 77-69. (giggle)

Are we done yet?
Like you didn’t see this coming? Duke pulls off the upset when Bobby Hurley and Tyrone Hill have to fill in for the aching starters. They slap that stupid golden C off of the Bruins shirts and move onto the Final Four 74-66.

GO DUKE!

Poon (aka white Jesus)

Ballin' Update:

2008-03-20T12:41:00.003-05:00

We just heard from Poon. Well not exactly. We heard from “Representatives” of Poon. Anyway he’s been unavoidably detained. We fully expect to get a basketball post out of him, if and when the Ross Perot financed raid on the compound, where we think Poon is being held, completes. Of course, he’ll have hindsight in his favor, so he’ll probably get a bunch of today’s game correct. That is if he’s alive and/or is bung isn’t too agitated.

By the way, we don’t bargain with these bastards. That is unless they have beers, of course

More news at 11.

PK out

More Expert Pickery

2008-03-19T11:19:00.008-05:00

Detroit

Photo courtesy of the cover of the

Detroit Chamber of Commerce 2007 Annual Report

I get to pick the Midwest regional, which culminates with games in Detriot. Blech. This bracket picking is always a little dicey for me. Here’s how my pickage usually goes. I start by selecting the winners in the first round with complete disregard to whom I think might eventually win the region. Most non-morons might go the other way and pick the region winner first and then work backwards. Not this moron.

So I can wind up at with a Sweet 16 match up of perennial powers like Cal State Fullerton and UMBC (whoever the fuck that is. Merchant Marine Academy or something?)

So it’s no wonder why I continually suck complete ass at this, in spite of my earlier boasting. You should know by now not to believe everything you read. But because you are reading this here blog, you may not be the brightest bulb anyway. I digress.

Here’s how the Midwest will go. I hope you haven’t filled out your bracket yet, because this shit it going to be gold this year. Bank. On. It.

The "win one and done" crew in the Midwest will consist of the following.
Kent State – Insert 70’s protest joke here.
Siena - I got nothun for you on this. Never heard of 'em
UNLV – Danny Ganz told they ain't got it.
GTown – I know! I'm crazy like this.

The regional final:
It’s Tourney underdog and holder of the dream Davidson, who offs Georgetown in the 16, facing Kansas coming off a win over Nova. I’ve got Kansas advancing to the Final Four in a thriller over the Mighty Mite Davidson. And by thriller I mean something really close at the end with Davidson having a chance to win at the buzzer. Say 59 -57. ish.

Take it to the bank. ~~However if I’m wrong, don’t forget that I have the keys to d&d and can come in here and edit this like crazy. Don’t think I won’t do it.~~

Tomorrow, Poon.

PK Out

Da Souf Reegun

2008-03-18T10:42:00.002-05:00

Ed: Our face full of NCDoubleA Hoops Pickery continues. Up next, Hairy Carrey. (Short on social graces but LONG on dong.) HC, the dais is yours. Your South Region picks please.

Let’s forget calling this the “South” region, and just see it for what it is. This is the “White Trash” regional—hands down. Just look at the shit-hole towns these poor bastards have to play in. Little Rock—nuff said. Denver—home of snow, more snow, and John Elway and his “eat corn on a cob through a chain link fence” teeth. Anaheim—home of the “Mighty Ducks”—by far, the lamest team name in all of sports (next to Wolverines). Worst yet, if you win two games in those corn-hole towns, you get to go to Houston. Beaner City. Might as well make the poor bastards swim across a river to qualify. No worries. Survive Houston, and it is on to the Alamo. How about playing the Final Four in America, for Christ’s sake?

That being said, the games will go down like this:

Memphis dispatches UT-Arlington and Mississippi State before being knocked out by rising Pittsburgh. After thrashing Cornell, Marquette, and Texas, Stanford meets Pittsburgh for the trip to San Antonio. Brains beat brawn in this one as Stanford and its twin towers head to the Alamo. Ironic, huh? The 7 foot Lopez brothers lead Stanford to the Alamo.

Hairy Carrey Out

Big Dancing

2008-03-17T15:14:00.008-05:00

Ling from HR can't stand the hostile work environment

I know everyone remembers how much ass I kicked last year in the NCAA Pickery. My excellence was confirmed as I was summarily ousted as the anchorman for this year’s 65 team orgy. I guess it’s only fitting that in this day and age of every kid getting a gold star to protect fragile egos. You wouldn’t believe the tension at the Global d&d Headquarters over this decision. Hairy Carrey and Poon pulled the plug on the office interwebportal-htmls until they got to pick their favorite regions, Savant sat Indian style (his politically incorrect term – we prefer “Feather-not-Dot-style”) in the break room and held his breath until he was assured that he’d get his way and if Pork Chop didn’t get to fire the final shots this year he threatened to run nothing but his colonoscopy post over and over until 2010. Fine. Pussies.

So this is how this year’s ~~NAACP~~ NCAA Pickery will go. Each contributor will pick his region as stated below and PChop will follow with the pickage from the 8 forward as he sees fit. The rules are there are no rules or crying.

UNC Region – Savant
UCLA Region – Poon
Kansas Region – PK
Memphis Region – Hairy Carrey

And again, PorkChopU gets the clean up. Just like when he worked in the “Theater” at “that” truck stop on Route 23.

First up. Savant. The floor is yours.

PK Out.

Smooth Sailing for the Tar Heels?

Once again, North Carolina is wearing a target as a #1 seed (no team has been a top seed more often), but don't feel too bad for the Tar Heels. Of all the #1 seeded teams, they appear to have the clearest path to the Final Four in San Antonio.

Although there appears to be a lot of mismatches in the East, a closer look reveals several tempting upset picks as the #4, #5, and #6 teams all face difficult testers in the First Round. Let's start with Washington State vs. Winthrop, which seems like a lay-up for the Cougars - until you consider Winthrop has been an almost yearly fixture in the tournament in recent years (this is Winthrop's 4th consecutive bid…not too shabby). In addition, the game will played in Denver - which is pretty close to a neutral court - which means Winthrop will have the crowd behind it. As such, I'm taking the Eagles.

Notre Dame is the 5th seed in the East Region and will play the Patriots of George Mason (you know - the green and gold team that beat UConn to advance to the Final Four in 2006). The savvy NCAA fan will, of course, know a #12 ALWAYS beats a #5 (last year was the only exception to this rule). This match-up, however, will not end in an upset victory, but the #6 vs. #11 game will provide another bracket buster as Saint Joseph's will prevail over the Oklahoma Sooners. I believe the Hawks will borrow some magic from another East region team, Boise State, and run the Statue of Liberty play on the Sooners!

Other First Round winners in the East Region include: North Carolina, Indiana, Louisville, Butler, and Tennessee and I think the four Sweet Sixteen teams will be: North Carolina, Notre Dame, Louisville, and Tennessee (although I am nervous about picking the Vols over Butler). From there, I think the Tar Heels will easily handle-up on the Irish playing in front of a partisan crowd in Charlotte…and I think Louisville vs. Tennessee will be an absolutely fantastic game in the other Regional Semifinal - with Tennessee squeaking by...

That gives us a Regional Final of Tennessee vs. North Carolina and, although I picked the Vols to win the whole thing several weeks ago, I'm going with the Tar Heels. If Tennessee had been in any other region, I would have picked the Vols to advance to the Final Four, but the Selection Committee didn't do them any favors by seeding them behind UNC in the Charlotte bracket.

So…I say UNC is the Beast from the East.

Savant Out

Weekends are Fun

2008-03-14T23:20:00.005-05:00

In keeping with the time honored tradition of “The Insert the Blog Name Here Photo contest we’re having our own. Actually, this was started back when Savant and Pork Chop worked together at the Ann Arbor Daily Shopper Picayune Gazette. That feature didn’t last long as they only had one camera and the back was stuck so they couldn’t get the film out.

Anyway, here’s the deal. Pretty simple. We put up a photo and over the weekend you get to create a funny little caption. Actually just put anything down. Seriously. We all know that Poon is the keeper of the Funny and we are merely ass-sniffers compared to him but everyone plays here.

Go.

We'll get you started.

"Are we too late for dime dog night?"

"Strike"

Ok, your turn.

Up next from d&d...."You write it!"

PK out

PAYING FOR IT

2008-03-12T16:09:00.006-05:00

OK - we've all been there…you reach a point where you're either in the midst of a desperate dry-spell -or- you're sick of banging the one you're with -or- you need some anal action or role-playing involving a Jim Tressel mask and a pair of oven mitts…whatever...you think maybe hiring a hooker would be a good idea. down and distant understands your plight. We have all been there before (and by "we" I mean "Pork Chop U" - the rest of just whack-off), but, seriously, what in the hell was New York Governor Eliot Spitzer thinking!! If - and I mean IF - we were going to spend cash on some tail, I'm not sure anyone at d&d would agree to upwards of $1,000 an hour. It has been reported that Spitzer spent upwards of $80,000 on hookers during the last several years. $80 LARGE are you kidding me??

(editorial interruption)

PK: Savant, you need to see this before you make plans for this weekend!

Savant: Dude, I am busy composing a new post. What's so damn important that I have to see before….HOLY SHIT!

(back to the post)

So as I was saying, women with style and grace need to be treated as such and I have heard good things about The Emperor's Club. Take Maya, for example. Clearly the time of someone with an electrifying presence can't be had for a mere high three figures! I think Spitzer was on to something after all...

I wonder what airfare to L.A. is going for today? Mental note: better rub-out that easy one first.

War hot hookers!

Savant Out.

SNOT

2008-03-06T08:42:00.003-06:00

Another typical Ohio winter—60 degrees one day, 20 degrees with snow the next. I’m telling you, it just ain’t good for your health. So there I was, head filled with more fluids than Linda Lovelace after a hard day on the set. Couldn’t breathe, head achin’. So I call dear old Mum—who else do you call when you’re under the weather. “Zicam”, she says. “Works like a charm and worth every penny.” Well, I tried the stuff, and—well—I’ll just let my letter to the the manufacturer speak for itself:

Dear Zicam LLC;

I have been congested and feeling like hell for three days. I am on an antibiotic and a steroid spray to treat a sinus infection--no relief. My mom called from Florida to recommend your product. As Mom always knows best, I dragged my sick, tired, and stuffed up head, along with the rest of my sorry carcass, to the local CVS to purchase your product. Found it straight off--so far so good.

Opened box--check. Read directions thoroughly--check. Pulled red tab to remove seal from completely wrapped bottle--danger, Will Robinson. Red stripe breaks after unwrapping half of bottle. Worked for another 5 minutes to get frickin' bottle unwrapped--this is wrong--just wrong. Can't breathe, can't get stupid wrapping off bottle. I am a reasonably active, coordinated 44 year old. When I turn 80 I might as well just stumble out into the cold and wait for the dark angel cuz there's no opening that bottle when I am a geezer.

Success at last--aided by a fork, the bottle is open. Following the directions, I "prime pump by depressing several times". The third and fourth pumps emit a stream of gel that hits my kitchen ceiling. While the sound that it made while hitting said ceiling was somewhat pleasant, the task of climbing onto a chair in my head-ready-to-implode state was understandably dangerous, but what is a guy to do?

Finally pumped your product into my nostrils (with, I must add, some trepidation, given the force with which your product hit the aforementioned ceiling). Perhaps what occurred next should have been expected. Perhaps, after enduring several days of stuffed, sore, raw mucous membranes, I should not have gotten the "cooling menthol" intense sinus relief, and gone with the "soothing aloe" instead. But I come from the school of thought that eschews a "mild laxative"--hell, when I'm constipated, I want RELIEF! So, following that theorem, I went with the menthol. Wow.

Even now, 20 minutes later, neighborhood dog owners are still consoling their crazed canines, whose sensitive ears are still ringing with the high pitched screaming that emanated from my residence. The good news--some combination of chair climbing and screaming (and perhaps your medication) has cleared my sinuses for the first time in three days.

So allow me to thank you for your fine product. I am not certain if this is how it is intended to work, but I will be sure to recommend it to all of my sinus challenged friends.

Sincerely,

Hairy Carray
Columbus, Ohio

You know what? Those tools sent me a fuckin’ coupon. I inhaled the napalm those bastards pass off as a natural remedy, and they send me a lousy fucking coupon. Take my word for it. Instead of buying this shit, dip a rag in kerosene, stuff it in your nose, and light it. Word.

Predictions for 2008

2008-02-20T13:21:00.003-06:00

In NO danger of drowning

OK - so Poon finally posted something breaking our "silent period." Although we had plenty of our usual below-average and sophomoric material, we thought a brief reprieve from our witty banter would make you (the reader) appreciate our stuff more. OK - just plain appreciate our stuff. Anyway, now that it's back on (like Donkey Kong), Savant dons his scarlet and gray turban and reveals a peek into the next 10 or so months.

SPORTS
Bad news for Buckeye haters! Savant sees his Buckeyes making yet another trip to the BCS Championship Game - only this time, they actually beat an SEC team. It's going to suck to be a Georgia Bulldog in January 2009 as Ohio State will defeat the Dawgs 30-20 in the FedEx BCS Championship. The Vest will secure his 6th - and Ohio State's 8th - National Championship. To prepare for the trip to South Beach, Savant has already started manscaping, waxing, and bleaching as he wants a clean workspace for the Buckeyes tattoo. In addition, Tim Tebow will win a 2nd Heisman so he'll have one for each of his hot girlfriend's terrific breasts.

College Basketball will crown a brand new 1st Time Champ…the Tennessee Volunteers. Rocky Top will be sung in San Antonio (site of UT's loss to the Buckeyes in 2007, by the way) at the Bruce Pearl Jam - aka 2008 Final Four.

Savant sees the loaded Detroit Tigers making a strong push for the World Series Title, but not enough to overcome the New York Mets. Despite a monumental collapse down the stretch last year, the addition of Santana (from the Twins) makes the Mets a strong contender for best team in New York and he likes them over the Tigers 4-3 in The Series.

NFL…whatever, Savant thinks the Patriots will be back just to piss-off everyone (including himself). Pats over Cowboys in the Super Bowl.

CELEBRITY LIFE
Britney Spears, in a desperate attempt to stay in the spotlight, poses naked (unfortunately) for Plumpers magazine.

Led Zeppelin reunites for a sweet-ass North American Tour. d&d staff sell the website to pay for a couple ducets leaving readers to recall - with great fondness - the good old days of posts from PK and Poon and ~~that idiot guy~~ Savant.

After a couple of d&d brand roofies, Posh Spice sleeps with most of the staff while attending the website's VIP Party (husband David has his way with Hairy Carray, when, in haste, Hairy takes the roofies himself). Good times.

Mrs. PK becomes marketing director for Babe's Cabaret in New Orleans after coining the slogan "come on in...and ruin your political career…don't cost nothin'!"

ASS-TROLOGY
If you're a/an (insert sign here), then you'll be - pick one: getting laid/masturbating - more in 2008…and don't be afraid of trying a little ass play this year. Porkchop U swears by it.

Savant sends his best wishes for a ~~happy~~ non-shitty and ~~healthy~~ disease-fee 2008.

War Auld Lang Syne (albeit 7 weeks late).

Savant Out, Bitches.

Stroll Down Memory Lane...

2008-02-17T12:48:00.003-06:00

See, I told you that when football was over we wouldn't post on here anymore. Amazing Super Bowl happened......no post. Pro Bowl game......no post. In the words of Broadway Joe, we are struggggllling here. In between waiting for Nascar to start and popping Advil, I stumbled across my old blog and decided to read a few lines. In doing so, I found my list of things I planned to do in 2007. Let's take a look at how I did.

Here are a couple of things I plan to do in 2007......

1. Start a cult
-Hey I look good in purple and I like Kool-Aid, what can go wrong?
Technically never started, but it's a good idea still. I actually came close enough to killing myself in 2007 that I will just consider this one accomplished and bypass the formalities.

2. Finish the movie
-You might have to go back a year in posts to understand this if you don't know what I'm talking about, but I've been working on the son-of-a-bitch for 2 years and still don't have a title.
I'm pretty sure that everyone is confused with this one. I was working on a movie for the past few years and really never dedicated myself to it enough to get past the first 15 pages. I will just keep carrying this on year to year until I finally realize that I am nowhere near creative enough to actually write a movie.

3. The new blog
-Much more details to come with this. It's going to be quite amazing.
"Quite amazing?" How high was I? We did start the blog in 07 and I completely disregarded my old one. Here is my gift for you in 08....we will make the blog even more quite-ish amazingly decent.

4. Stop watching so much DIY, HGTV and FOOD network
-I LOVE Rachael Ray, and I can't get enought Kitchen Renovation. Don't even get me started on Flip This House. I feel like I get gayer by the minute watching those channels and sitting around eating my artichoke dip that Rachael taught me how to make in 30 minutes or less.
Easy.....I still love all of those things. I watched a Bathroom Renovations marathon this morning. If anything this has gotten worse since the discovery of Hot on Homes. That reminds me I Tivo'd it this morning and need to wrap this up so I can get caught up on the deals at Craig Ranch.

5. Stop eating artichoke dip
-Thanks KSK
Who the hell am I kidding? I f-ing love me some artichoke dip. I guess that makes me a F-ing Asshole. Suck it KSK!

6. Buy a CD
-This one might be tough to accomplish now that we can get them for free on the internet.....What? That's illegal? Disregard that last sentence.
Actually did buy a CD. The soundtrack to Chitty Chitty Gang Bang counts, right?

7. Find career stats for Dominck Williams
-Don't know why I can't find this bastard.
Will continue to search.....will keep you posted.

8. Call bullshit more on a daily basis
-Like the Dodge commercial with the Rock-em Sock-em Robots, his head wouldn't blow off unless he actually got hit or he malfunctions. Take that big blue motherfucker back to Toys R Us where he came from. Bullshit.
Dear lord how much I have done this in the past year. Even Friday night in that Taiwan joint (you know the one...off of 35 with the really cute girl working at the front desk but then when you go to the back they aren't all that cute but, hey you're there. What are you gonna do? Leave? You couldn't do that and besides it's been a while and you just need to do the deed and be done with it. I mean a hand is a hand right? So there is a little extra hair on her upper lip, but really there's a little extra hair on my junk so you wouldn't really notice.) when the girl said that I could do whatever I wanted because she is clean.....bullshit. However, I couldn't pass it up. VD's aren't really that fun.

9. Find a dusty TV and draw a penis on it
-Nothing is funnier than seeing a dusty penis just as your favorite show goes to commercial.
Done. I actually did this on my own TV. Yeah, I'm serious.

Ok, I'm done. Let's see how many of those I can check off my list by the end of the year. I say I will do 8 out of 9. We will see.

So how many did I actually accomplish in 07? Well I said that I would knock out 8 of 9 and I actually did 5. Maybe I will make another list for 08 so that I can reflect next year on how much I pissed away the year without accomplishing anything. Blow me.

Poon

How To Do New Orleans - d&d Style

2008-01-24T14:00:00.000-06:00

Let me just start off by saying if you're going to lose a bowl game - even a national championship - New Orleans is the place in which to do it! Most of our staff went on a recent ~~road trip~~ bender to "The Crescent City" and we'd like to offer some advice on how to get your New Orleans "on."

WHEN TO PUKE? Although there are varying opinions on this, Savant feels very strongly that vomiting on the FIRST night is a great start. After all, you're going to be drinking (heavily, I might add) for several days so why not get it out of the way right off the bat? If you're really hammered to the extent that you'll be done for the night post-puke, then there are several added benefits - such as saving lots of cash for an eye-opener the following morning and, by passing-out, providing your friends with a great photo-op.

WHEN TO HAVE SEX? The obvious answer is early and often. That aside, we recommend having sex in a shared hotel room while other (i.e. less-randy) d&d staffers sleep. Don't worry if they have one eye open, that's just how they roll. Bonus points for having sex (any kind really - hetero is fine, but whatever) with a d&d staffer…I mean not "with", but rather alongside. Otherwise our HR department would have a fit. Anyway, sex…YES.

SHOULD I BUY A T-SHIRT? Opinions vary, but we'll go with yes. This should be an easy task as tees will be readily available. Favorites include: "I got Bourbon-Faced on Shit Street" and the ever-popular "Things to Do with a P*ssy (shave, party, pet, lick etc.)."

WHAT SHOULD I EAT? Well, aside from pussçois (see above), you'll be treated to a wide-variety of great food. Mostly fried seafood with some type of sauce or jambalaya. Good stuff. Typically, food makes d&d staffers sick, but on this trip, I'm willing to bet it was that asshole Pat O’Brien and his devil’s urine Hurricanes.

BALCONY OR NO BALCONY? Tough call, really. You know the balconies in question, from which thousands of pounds of beads are hurled annually? Boobies shown to and from these beauties. So why is it a tough call? These perches are either more crowded that Hairy Carreys front porch on “free-hand job Wednesdays” or they are tres expensive to rent for your private shindig. UNLESS your wife is like the lovely and talented Mrs. PK and can string together greatness. In as long as it takes Indy Buckeye to login to asiachickswithdicks.com when his wife goes to bed, with kind words and a winning smile, Mrs. PK secured our entire traveling party to our own private balcony complete with bartender and a GLORIOUSLY clean bathroom for two nights. In this case, YES to balconies.

SHOULD I GAMBLE? Uhhhhh? Is there a real casino right across from your hotel? Then YES! Turd-Burglar.

Savant with the Punt and Pass.
PK a kick

Both OUT.

Please Don't Let Football Season End.....We'll Never Post

2008-01-14T19:28:00.001-06:00

It's been a while my humble followers. Since my last post we have been through a roller coaster of events. The Redskins made it into the playoffs and promptly lost. My beloved Buckeyes continued their community service by losing again to the SEC. Along with the D&D crew and friends, the city of New Orleans went through a party that it might never recover from. Ok, I can give a little credit to Katrina, but I like to take the credit when I can. Just last night the Cowboys went through yet another one and done in the playoffs. I have since dubbed the pro bowl quarterback of the Cowboys Tony Rom-0 for 2. If I used all of my evil for good, I might not be the heartless shit that I am today.
I went out with PK and crew to catch a couple of drinks and get rid of the shakes from the night before. In doing so, I managed to get fairly drunk. *GASP* I know it's hard to believe but it's true. I left about 1030 with all intentions of going home and going straight to bed. Well, those closest to me know that I have a little game that I like to play the morning after I go drinking. If all works well, this will be the beginning of a series that I am going to start on here called.....

WHAT WAS POON LISTENING TO AND HOW LOUD WAS HE LISTENING TO IT!!!!
I woke up this morning with a table full of empty Taco Bueno boxes with a receipt for a nacho salad, soft taco and a crunchy potato burrito. When I strolled out to the car I turned on the ignition this is what I got.

Artist: Rihanna
Title: Umbrella
Volume: 22
Phone Log:
A. M. (initials to cover for them) 10:39 p.m. duration:1:03 (I suspect a voicemail)

Text Messages:
yes.......that's all I will say is yes. 7 of them between 10:31 and 10:58

Final Words:
Fairly tame night apparently. Only one call and no great texts to report. I do wonder why Rihanna was playing. It's on a cd, too.

I really can't wait to report after a good 3 a.m. night when I have Freebird playing at 40 with a used rubber in the floorboard and me asleep in the backseat. Don't look at me like that. I'm not the only one.......am I? Suck it.

Poon

Savant's BCS Championship Preview

2007-12-27T09:54:00.000-06:00

The Buckeye Charter arrives in NoLA

Well, not entirely unlike a bad herpes outbreak, the Buckeyes are BACK…in the BCS National Championship Game. This year, OSU must beat the LSU Tigers if I'm going to spend another 4-figure amount on national champs gear. Fortunately, for my pocketbook, that is NOT going to happen. I have been contemplating this game since the pairing was announced and I have come to just a couple conclusions:
1. The game WILL be closer than the 27 point beat-down the Bucks absorbed last year, but...
2. …it WON"T be close enough.

History shows us a couple things that are relevant to the outcome of this game.
First, no team has choked-away (OK - just plain "lost" on some occasions) more national title opportunities in football over the last 40 years than my Buckeyes. Wins in any of these game would have given OSU a national championship:

'69 @ Michigan,
'71 Rose Bowl vs. Stanford,
'76 Rose Bowl vs. UCLA,
'80 Rose Bowl vs. USC,
and '06 BCS Game vs. Florida.

Also, victories in any of these games would have propelled OSU to either a title game invitation or put it on the door step:

'73 @ Michigan,
'74 Michigan State,
'95 @ Michigan,
'96 Michigan,
'97 @ Michigan,
'98 Michigan State, and
'03 @ Michigan.

If you consider the 2 unanimous titles (won in '68 and '02), then OSU is 2-12 when given a football national championship opportunity.

Second, OSU's bowl record vs. the SEC is a dismal 0-8, with book-end blowouts ('78 Sugar Bowl loss to Alabama and '06 BCS meltdown vs. the Gators). In addition to those losses to the Tide and Gators, OSU has lost to Auburn, Georgia, Tennessee, South Carolina (twice), with another loss to Alabama thrown-in for good measure.

Third, in recent years, LSU has been unstoppable in the Superdome posting an excellent 3-0 mark in Sugar Bowl victories against Illinois (47-34 in '02), Oklahoma (21-14 in '04), and Notre Dame (41-14 in '07).

So the aforementioned historical record - coupled with the fact that LSU will be healthy (Dorsey expected to be 100%) and playing in front of a very partisan crowd - leads me to my official prediction………which will be revealed at the end of this post.
In order to be objective, I think it's necessary to list a few keys to a Buckeye Victory. Do I think OSU CAN win? Yes - if the Bucks can play the best game they've played in a very long time. Just three of the many things OSU MUST do to have a chance in this thing:

1. Tackle in space - LSU's speed at the skill positions will overwhelm OSU IF tackles are missed which allow for extra yards or big plays.

2. Run north - Bucks must be able to attack LSU and run between the tackles as Beanie will NOT be able to turn the corner on the LSU D.

3. Secure the ball - especially on special teams and in the passing game. Boeckman can't throw picks in this one.

Having written all of that, I think it will be close until the end.

Put me down for:
LSU 30
OSU 17

My name is Buckeye Savant and my team knows how to finish second!

War Silver Medal.

Savant. Sad. Bodypainter.

Out.

MULLET MUSINGS

2007-12-11T12:21:00.000-06:00

Conventional wisdom says the mullet ain't cool. Fair enough.

We at down and distant, however, have never been about wisdom - whether conventional or otherwise - so we're inclined to endorse the mullet as the next big thing. Why? Because the wearing of a mullet indicates a superior confidence that money just can't buy (well, money other than the $7.99 + tip needed to score a "Tennessee Top Hat"). I mean, if you have balls enough to sport the mullet these days, you're tacitly telling people that you couldn't care less about fashion and you have bigger and better things to do with your time like, for instance, Fantasy NASCAR (for all guys and some lesbians) -or- Traveling All-Girls Softball (for all lesbians…and some guys).
Here are two of the finest mullets that d&d staffers photographed on a recent staff outing, I mean trip (phew - sorry Hairy, that was close) in Columbus.

This first genius even took the time to both curl and bleach the backside. He's twice the man I am - given the fact that I have only managed to bleach my backside. Meanwhile, Dude #2 also flaunts his pork chop side-burns as a sign of non-conformity. Classic confidence. We should all be so lucky.

So add the mullet to THE list of "what's now" for 2008. You'll thank us later (and maybe end-up on a competitor's website).

War Kentucky Compromise!
Savant Out.

(ed. note: In no other sport except the aforementioned Softball is the mullet as prominent amoung the players than hockey. Players, commentators like Barry Melrose and fans....Please enjoy this fan. He doesn't really know the words or how to dance or how to stand up really, but a Mullet he has. -PK)

(HT: With Leather)

Savant's REAL Top 10 College Coaches

2007-12-09T13:19:00.000-06:00

Ummm, No.

5. Frank Leahy - Notre Dame: Held several head coaching jobs - led the "Seven Blocks of Granite (including Vince Lombardi)" at Fordham, had an undefeated team at Boston College, and led the Fighting Irish to four national championships while at Notre Dame. Implemented the famous T-formation in South Bend. Coined the phrase "when the going get's tough, the tough get going." In my opinion, Leahy is the reason Notre Dame is widely regarded as the best program in college football history (hmmm, I smell another list) and NOT Rockne, hence his spot on my list.

4. Fielding Yost - Michigan: Started his career with short tenures at Ohio Wesleyan, Nebraska, Kansas, and Stanford, but is best-known for his 24 years at Michigan. At "Meechigan (how Yost pronounced the school)," he was head coach for 24 seasons (although not consecutive) and won six national championships. His Wolverine squads had a gaudy winning percentage of .833 during the time he was head coach. His first U of M team outscored the opposition 550-0 before beating Stanford (the team he coached just one year earlier) in the inaugural Rose Bowl Game. His first five teams were so dominant, they were dubbed the "Point-A-Minute" teams.

3. Paul "Bear" Bryant - Alabama: Before leading his alma mater to gridiron greatness, Bryant coached one year at Maryland just prior to a stint at Kentucky where he led the Wildcats to their only SEC title in 1950. Then, from '54 to '57, Bryant led the Texas A & M Aggies where he earned a reputation as one tough S.O.B. for his grueling practices with his first team (the movie "The Junction Boys" was based on this team) - which would, several years later, become Southwest Conference Champions. Bryant returned to lead Alabama in 1958 because "when momma calls, you listen." At Bama, Bryant's teams won six national championships and, when he retired in 1982, he had accumulated 315 career wins (most of any coach, at the time). It bears (no pun intended) mentioning that his 1977 squad soundly beat the squad coached by my #2 in the 1978 Sugar Bowl Game 35-6, which still isn't enough to move up one spot behind Warner (but it's, honestly, damn close).

2. Wayne Woodrow "Woody" Hayes - The Ohio State University: Growing-up the son of a teacher and based on an early career in the U.S. Navy, Hayes not only emphasized the importance of education, but also incorporated a military approach to teaching the game of football. He was the head coach at both his alma mater, Dennison, and "the Cradle of Coaches," Miami of Ohio, before accepting the same position at The Ohio State University in 1951. His early teams struggled to grasp his conservative "three yards and a cloud of dust" style of offense, but that changed in 1954 when his Buckeyes won the first of five national titles they would earn under the leadership of Hayes.

Woody was the first major coach to recruit African-Americans as both players AND coaches. In addition, I believe he is the only coach to have had players win four Heisman Trophies. Hayes taught mandatory English and vocabulary classes to his freshman football players and was one of the first to use the motion picture as a teaching tool (OK - I got that from Wikipedia). Woody also spent countless hours visiting hospital patients and made yearly trips to Vietnam (on his own dime), thus living one of his favorite axioms (from Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay called "Self Reliance") - "paying forward." He was also "the subject of more varied and colorful anecdotal material than any other coach past or present, including fabled Knute Rockne." Here are a few of my favorite quotes attributed to Hayes:

"You win with people." (also the title of one of his books)
"Football represents and embodies everything that's great about this country, because the United States of America is built on winners, not losers or people who didn't bother to play."
"So many times I've found people smarter than I was ... But you know what they couldn't do? They couldn't outwork me. They couldn't outwork me!"
"Anything easy ain't worth a damn!"
"Because I couldn't go for three." (in response to being asked why he went for a 2-point conversion with a 34-point 4th Quarter lead against hated rival, Michigan)

His coaching tree is as impressive as anyone else in the history of the game, having developed the following assistants during his many years: Lou Holtz, Bill Mallory, Dave McClain, Bo Schembechler, Dick Crum, Ara Parseghian, Rudy Hubbard (one of the first black head coaches in college football), and Earle Bruce. Woody's career ended when his famous temper got the best of him and he struck Clemson's Charlie Bauman at the Gator Bowl in 1978. Although fired from the school he loved, Woody never spoke negatively about OSU or the administration. He died in 1987 and was eulogized by former president and close friend Richard Nixon.

Hayes was to college football what Lombardi was to its professional counterpart - THE coaching icon of the sport.

1. Glenn "Pop" Warner - Stanford: Tough call between Pop and Woody, but Warner's career will probably never be surpassed in terms of longevity or innovation. Held many head coaching jobs, but his first was at Georgia in the 1890's - followed by Iowa State and then Carlisle. While at Carlisle, he coached the great Jim Thorpe (#10 on my list) before going to Pittsburgh where he won three national titles. After an extended stay at Pitt, Pop took the job at Stanford and won another national title for his 1926 Indians (the Stanford nickname until the late 60's). Warner finished his career at Temple. Among his many innovations were the double-wing formation, screen pass, and applying numbers to players' jerseys.

Honorable Mention: Bo Schembechler - Michigan, Bernie Bierman - Minnesota, Pete Carroll, John McKay, and Howard Jones - USC, Knute Rockne and Ara Parsegian - Notre Dame, Darrell Royal - Texas, Amos Alonzo Stagg - Chicago, John Heisman - Georgia Tech, and General Robert Neyland - Tennessee.

On Deck: Jim Tressel - Ohio State

My name is Buckeye Savant and I'm headed to Nawlins armed with lots of Mardi Gras beads that I am not afraid to use.

War Buckeyes.

I'm out.

Savant's REAL Top 10 College Coaches

2007-12-07T10:11:00.000-06:00

(Buckeye Savant weighs in with another comprehensive, well executed pile of words for your reading enjoyment. Savant's list goes to 10, so in our continuing effort to milk the shit out of our posts so we can coast through life without so much as a how-do-you-do to effort, I've split it into 2 parts. I know the ending, but I'm not telling, except to say that Charlie Weis and Mack Brown fans may be disappointed. - PK)

OK - since my REAL Top 25 College Football Players was so well-received, I thought I would tackle (no pun intended) ranking the coaches. I think football - especially college football - is a coaches' game. By that I mean coaching matters more in football than any other sport.. A good coach can win or lose games (or championships) for you and I'm not sure that's true of other sports. I mean, come on, do you really think Phil Jackson won any titles for the Chicago Bulls?

So, without further adieu, here's MY list of the best college football coaches of all-time and, again - I considered everything from titles won to innovation and IMPACT on the game. Feel free to disagree with me, but just realize that, like with most things, I am right.

10. Lloyd Carr - Michigan: Oops, this is TOP Ten Coaches...but seriously ladies and gentlemen…sorry, start over…

10 tie. Eddie Robinson - Grambling: Spent 56…yes, 56 years as head coach at predominantly black Grambling State University. Robinson won 7 or 8 Black College national Championships and won over 400 games to become the all-time wins leader. The Coach of the Year Award is named after him.

10 tie. Bobby Bowden - Florida State: "The Riverboat Gambler" coached at West Virginia before taking over at Florida State in 1976 where he turned the Seminoles into a national power. He is currently the all-time winningest coach with 370+ wins, but he made my list based on the way he built FSU into a national player. He began by playing anybody…anywhere…anytime and took his Seminoles on the road to Nebraska, Ohio State, and Notre Dame (among others). Initially, FSU couldn't play with the big boys, but, eventually, they began to win those games and Bobby's teams became an almost permanent fixture in the Top 5 from the mid-80's through the late-90's and won titles in '93 and '99. FSU played in the first 3 BCS Championship games…and he's still going. Has a 1-7 record against the #9 coach…

9. Joe Paterno - Penn State: Took over for Rip Engle in 1966 and is still the Head Coach at Penn State and has 22 bowl victories (most ever by one coach) and stands just a few victories behind Bowden (but ranks ahead of him in Division 1 wins). A model of ethics and following the rules, JoePa's Lions have struggled since joining the Big Ten, but may have had the best team in the country in 1994 - a team that should have won Paterno his third national championship, but had to play in the Rose Bowl.

8. Tom Osborne - Nebraska: After several years as an assistant coach in Lincoln, Dr. Tom Osborne became head coach at Nebraska for 25 years starting in 1973. During his tenure, the Huskers won 3 national titles and never fewer than 9 games. The trademark of his teams was stingy defense coupled with an option rushing attack. Although very consistent, his teams never got over the hump until the mid-90's, when they won titles in '94, '95, and '97. I also love the fact that Osborne went for the win by trying a 2-point conversion near the end of the famous 1984 Orange Bowl. Miami won the game, but I always admired his guts. In addition to losing that game, he lost the #7 spot on MY list.

7. Walter Camp - Yale: "The Father of American Football" made my list for his contribution to shaping the game more than his head coaching accolades - although Camp served in that capacity at both Yale and Stanford. Camp's innovations include: the forward pass, line of scrimmage, set of four downs, and may others. The All-America team was first selected by Camp, who, in addition to his coaching, was also a famous sports writer in the early 20th Century.

6. Bud Wilkinson - Oklahoma: Coached the Sooners to three national titles in the 50's and led OU to an unbelievable NCAA record 47-game winning streak (broken by Notre Dame). I don't believe Oklahoma lost a conference game until his 11th or 12th season in Norman! Bud was the first coach to host his own television program and was a meticulous and organized coach (one of the first to break-down his practice schedules by the minute). Also, played at Minnesota and won 3 national championships as a player.

To be continued. Sit a spell and wait for it. Why are you in such a hurry anyway?

DAMMIT! You kids get off my lawn!

2007-12-05T15:44:00.000-06:00

I’m getting more than a little worn out at hearing the following. “Why are there any Big-10 teams in the BCS in the first place? All they do is schedule ultra shitty teams in their pre-conference schedule and then they play in a pussy conference.” Or something like that. I’ve heard this more times lately than Poon has heard ‘Please Mister, just pay me, put the gun away, and let me get back under the bridge where you found me.’ Oh sure, this time it’s directed at Ohio State, so that has something to do with my ire.

Let me stipulate a few of items ‘ere I go into this moderately thought out, jingoistic, semi-literate and snide rant.

1. I know the Big-10 is a weak conference. I think some of the other top-tier conferences are over-rated, but to be sure the Big 10 is the Meek of the Midwest this year and maybe for the last couple campaigns.

2. You’ve got to play your conference schedule, good or bad. That’s it. So if the SEC’s top five is better than the Pac-10 top five, who cares? You have to play the schedule in front of you. Every conference will have some better years than others. By the way, who wouldn’t look forward to a six-team play-off to figure out who’s better between the middlings of the big conferences? UNC, Colorado, Iowa, Arizona, Alabama and Rutgers.

3. Everybody plays the same amount of regular season games. The only difference is that some conferences have a post-season championship. Pac10 and Big 10 notable exceptions. The Big East has only 8 teams so that allows WVU to go schedule another 5th patsy. So 6 teams in the final BCS and AP polls played 13 games prior to Bowl Season, all the rest played 12. It only seems like everyone played a lot more because of starting the season later or bye weeks.

Having said all that, it comes down to the out-of-conference games a teams schedules. Right? Right. It’s my rant so you're agreeing with me for now. Let’s take a look at the out of conference schedule for the teams in the top 5 in the BCS final ranking. Number six didn’t even get invited to one of the 10 BCS bowl slots.

I’ll start with The Ohio State University to be fair. When Washington was scheduled they might have been good and they are a Pac-10 team, but this year they sucked Orca penis. So I agree when the Youngstown, Akron, Washington and Northwestern string was dubbed YAWN. This schedule must be the worst, huh? Not so fast, mother licker.

LSU: 11-2. Two losses to unranked teams, but they did lay the wood to teams from the Sunbelt, C-USA and WAC by combined score of 136-19. Not a strong group. To their credit they did play and kill VaTech early. (What? I meant the score, it was 48-7, jeesh)

Speaking of Virginia Tech, there’s the aforementioned carnage. (What? I meant the score, it was 48-7, jeesh) The Hokies also play some brutes from C-USA, MAC and 1-AA power William and Mary. (3-1 with a combined score, 96-65)

Oklahoma: (By the way, thanks to OU by the way for the assist.) OU didn’t fall into the trap of inviting a 1-AA squad to Norman for a blood letting but they did have North Texas sans Mean Joe come up and play. Add to that ACC, Mountain West and C-USA. A whopping 246 – 47.

Georgia: An early loss to the Cocks mars the Bulldogs out-of-conference schedule but they regrouped against 1-AA Western Carolina. Add to these they played the Big 12 and another ACC team. Aside from WCU, not bad.

My point here is simply this. Every good team schedules shitty teams to demolish. That’s the way it’s done. Sometimes the Appy State wins, most of the time they don’t. These examples are just for this year. Next year Ohio State has USC at their dojo. LSU adds North Texas and Troy. As someone famous once said, “I’m tired, tired, tired” of this judging of teams based on their out-of-conference schedule.

So to the drooling, mouth breathing, Ned Beatty Taint Tickling, Washer/Dryer on the front porch, double-headed douchebag that got me going this morning on the radio, bite me.

You Can't Spell BCS Without BS....Or Can You?

2007-12-03T20:05:00.000-06:00

We sat there watching nervously
As the teams were slowly picked.
I am getting tired of Lou Holtz
And those other dickless pricks.

"First game is USC and Illinois"
They triumphantly announced.
"I hate those Goddamn fags" I said
"I hope their ass gets pounced!"

The Hooters waitress said I was drunk
And my beer would soon be cut.
I shot her the middle finger
And then threw up on her pregnant gut.

"Are you kidding me for the late game?"
Hawaii and Georgia were the teams.
"I don't give two shits if you haven't lost
And the Bulldogs? Nigga pleeeze!"

Since drinking in Mesquite for years
I've picked up on M-town schemes.
You don't drive down Lawson after dark
And Nigga you just don't scream.

"Oklahoma and WVU are next"
Some random TV black man said.
At that point I was promptly struck
A Nigga had hit me in the head.

I tried so hard to see the teams
Of which the bowl games would show.
I caught VaTech and Kansas
In the midst of the black man's blows.

I assume he suddenly got tired
Since the pummeling had stopped.
I got back on my barstool
And another top I popped.

Would we really do it?
Would the Buckeyes go again?
"The championship game is Ohio State/LSU"
"FUCKIN' A WE'RE IN!!!"

Today there were talks of playoffs
And the hatred of the BCS.
Mizzou got the hose, I'll say
So did some of the rest.

There were some that were left out
And for them, I feel some shame.
But fuck 'em all I'M A BUCKEYE
AND WE'RE GOING TO THE GAME!!!!

GO BUCKS!!!!!

Poon

…and now the Top Ten…

2007-11-28T14:59:00.000-06:00

HMmm, Chief Big Jim Like 'em bootleg play.

10 Jim Thorpe, RB - Carlisle: One of the greatest athletes in American history, Thorpe led Carlisle to an historic upset of Harvard in 1911 and led Carlisle to the National Championship in 1912. A 2-time All-American - he played several positions and also excelled in track, baseball, and lacrosse.

9 Glenn Davis/Doc Blanchard, RBs - Army: OK so I combined "Mr. Outside (Davis)" and "Mr. Inside (Blanchard)." Blanchard won the Heisman in '45 and Davis followed him in '46. Blanchard played both ways and handled kicking and punting and Davis averaged 11.5 yards per carry (still a record today). With these two, Army football went 27-0-1 for three season in the mid-40's.

8 Dave Rimington, C - Nebraska: 1st player to dominate due largely to strength training - elevated the role of conditioning and started the trend of dominating Cornhusker linemen. Won both the Outland and Lombardi Trophies. The Rimington Award is named after him.

7 Paul Hornung, HB - Notre Dame: Widely regarded as the best all-around player in Notre Dame history, "The Golden Boy" is the only player to win a Heisman while playing for a losing team. Played halfback, fullback, safety, and punter - and returned kicks and punts. Possibly the best 2-way player in college football history.

6 John Hicks, OT - Ohio State: Won the Lombardi and Outland Trophies AND finished 2nd for the Heisman! Arguably the greatest offensive lineman ever to play the game, Hicks created holes for the only 2-time winner of the Heisman…

5 Archie Griffin, RB - Ohio State: Changed the role of freshman in college sports by breaking the school rushing record IN HIS FIRST GAME against North Carolina during the first year when freshman were allowed to play. An iron man of the 70's, #45 NEVER missed a game due to injury and ran for 100+ yards in 31 consecutive games. Archie became the first player to start in four Rose Bowls!

4 Davey O'Brien, QB - TCU: Led the Honed Frogs to an undefeated season in 1938 and was the first player to win the Heisman, Walter Camp, and Maxwell awards in the same season. The QB of the year award is named for him.

3 Herschel Walker, RB - Georgia: Maybe the most complete package of speed, elusiveness, and power ever. Led the Bulldogs to the 1980 National Championship - as a sophomore. May have won a 2nd Heisman if he had stayed at Georgia instead of opting for the USFL. For the record, I'm glad he left college.

2 Barry Sanders, RB - Oklahoma State: Had maybe the best season EVER for a college player during 1988 (his only season as a starter) - 2,628 yards rushing and 39 touchdowns…that's not a misprint. #21 rushed for over 300 yards in four games. That's just ridiculous enough for 2nd place on my list!

…and Savant's Greatest College Football Player of All-Time is...

1 Red Grange, RB - Illinois: "The Galloping Ghost" was a 3-time All-American who appeared on the cover of Time magazine in 1925. In his very first collegiate football game, he scored three TD's against Nebraska and in his 2nd season, he led the Illini to a 1923 National Championship.

Grange vaulted to national prominence as a result of his performance in a 1924 game against Michigan. In what was the grand opening game for the new Memorial Stadium, he returned the opening kickoff for a 95-yard TD, and scored three more touchdowns in the first twelve minutes. This four-touchdown first quarter outburst equaled the number of touchdowns allowed by Michigan in the previous two years. After sitting out the second quarter, Grange returned in the 2nd half and scored twice more for a then unprecedented total of 6 TDs in a single game!

After that game, Grantland Rice wrote the following about #77:

A streak of fire, a breath of flame
Eluding all who reach and clutch;
A gray ghost thrown into the game
That rival hands may never touch;
A rubber bounding, blasting soul
Whose destination is the goal — Red Grange of Illinois!

So there you have it, I never promised perfection, equal representation, or impartiality…just my $0.02. My name is not Slim Shady or Homer J. Simpson, it's Buckeye Savant and I am a two-time graduate of the Outright Big Ten Champion and Rose Bowl Bound Ohio State University…and I'm out.

War Buckeyes!

Who Missed the Cut (no particular order…well, OK - Buckeyes first): Orlando Pace, Jim Parker, Chic Harley, Johnny Utah: Ohio State, Hamilton Fish: Harvard, Charles Woodson: Michigan, LeRoy Selmon: Oklahoma, John Hannah, Cornelius Bennett, Forrest Gump: Alabama, Reggie Bush, OJ Simpson: USC, Bubba Smith, Tony Mandarich: Michigan State, John Elway, Ernie Nevers: Stanford, Elroy Hersch and Alan Ameche: Wisconsin, Doak Walker: SMU, Chris Zorich, Joe Montana, John Lattner, George Gipp: Notre Dame, Steve Emtman: Washington, Kenny Easly: UCLA, Michael Vick: Virginia Tech, Randy White: Maryland, Nile Kinnick: Iowa, Mike Singeltary: Baylor, Troy Davis: Iowa State, Ernie Davis, Jim Brown: Syracuse, Roger Staubach: Navy, Charley Trippi: Georgia, Ty Detmer: BYU, Warren Sapp, Bernie Kosar: Miami, Danny Wuerffel, Tim Tebow: Florida, John David Crow: Texas A & M, John Cappiletti: Penn State, Sam Huff: West Virginia, Jay Berwanger: Chicago, Reggie White, Peyton Manning: Tennessee, Tommie Frazier: Nebraska, Dan Marino, Bill Fralic: Pitt, Gayle Sayers: Kansas, Lawrence Taylor: North Carolina, Walter Camp: Yale

Savant's THE REAL 25 Greatest College Football Players of All-Time

2007-11-28T14:38:00.000-06:00

Inventor of the Stagg Party too

OK - so ABC/ESPN are pimping their Top 25 and I notice they rank the only (for at least one more year) two-time Heisman Trophy Winner #21. Done. After reading that far, I knew their list sucked. As such, I'd like to offer MY list - which considers not only play on the field, but IMPACT a player had on the game. Let me use two Buckeyes (of course) to illustrate what I mean by IMPACT.

Bill Willis - played on Ohio State's 1st National Championship Team during a period in which black players were few and far between - even in "The North." A partial result of his success was the start of black players getting opportunities to play college (and professional sports). Even though it would be another 20+ years before some southern schools (Alabama) allowed black players the opportunity, Willis was a ground-breaker.

Archie Griffin - changed the role of freshman in college sports by breaking the school rushing record IN HIS FIRST GAME during the first year when freshman were allowed to play. An iron man of the 70's, #45 NEVER missed a game due to injury and ran for 100+ yards in 31 consecutive games. Archie became the first player to start in four Rose Bowls! 21st best? Not even close ABC!
On to THE REAL LIST...

25 Colt Brennan, QB - Hawaii: ALL-TIME TD leader (and he's not yet done) - just made island football relevant for the first time ever.

24 Bill Willis, DL - Ohio State: Played on Ohio State's first National Championship team in 1942 and also excelled in track. Earned All-American honors in 1944 and was later honored by induction into both pro and college football halls of fame. Broke the professional sports color-barrier one year before Jackie Robinson. One of the first great minority players.

23 Gerald Ford, C - Michigan: A great center (and linebacker), Ford was a leader on 2 Wolverine National Championship teams and voted Team MVP his senior year. Turned down a chance to play pro football - instead opting to coach at Yale and attend law school. Went on to become president. An example of all that is good about college sports.

22 Johnny Rodgers, RB - Nebraska: "The Jet" was the greatest kick returner in college football history and received the Heisman trophy in 1972. His punt return for a TD helped Nebraska beat Oklahoma 35-31 in one of the greatest games in history (1971).

21 Bronco Nagurski, DT - Minnesota: Won All-America honors at two positions…in the same year. Played one game with a cracked vertebrae and recovered a fumble before rushing for the winning TD. Award for best defensive player in the country is named after him.

20 Earl Campbell, RB - Texas: maybe the hardest player to tackle in the history of college football, Campbell won the Heisman in 1977.

19 Dick Butkus, LB - Illinois: Played both center and linebacker for the Illini earning two-time All-America honors and was the Big ten MVP in 1963. Probably the best linebacker to ever play college football.

18 Vince Young, QB - Texas: Set the standard for the modern dual-threat QB. Led the Longhorns return to glory by winning the 2005 Heisman Trophy and orchestrating an upset of USC in one of the greatest Rose Bowl games ever played. An electrifying player to watch.

17 Hugh Green, DE - Pitt: This decorated three-time All-American finished 2nd in Heisman balloting and left Pitt with 53 career sacks. Won the Lombardi, Maxwell, and Camp Awards. Probably the best defensive end to play the game. Unfortunately, was drafted by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

16 Bo Jackson, RB - Auburn: A bruising, fast back, Jackson was drafted by the Yankees, but instead, chose to play at Auburn where he won the '85 Heisman in a landslide. Stands behind Walker as the 2nd best RB in SEC history - based on rushing yards and TDs. Bo knows Savant's

Top 25 List!

15 Alonzo Stagg, E - Yale: An end on the very first All-American team, Stagg later gained notoriety as coach of the Chicago Maroons.

14 Deion Sanders, DB - Florida State: "Neon Deion" was the 1st DB to alter opponent's game plans, superior to Woodson in every way. One of the greatest open-field runners ever and a great punt returner, too. Sanders was twice named All-American and also played baseball and ran track for the Seminoles.

13 Tony Dorsett, RB - Pitt: Broke Archie Griffin's career rushing record and led the Panthers to the 1976 National Championship, won the Heisman, Maxwell, and Walter Camp awards.

12 Tom Harmon, RB - Michigan: "Old #98" played RB, QB, and kicker, won the Heisman in 1940 and twice led the nation in scoring (only player to accomplish that feat). In his final game, against Ohio State, he led the Wolverines to a 40-0 victory, scoring five TDs (3 rushing and 2 by passing), kicking 4 PATs, intercepting three passes, and averaging 50 yards on 3 punts.

11 Billy Cannon, RB - LSU: Led the Tigers to the '58 National Championship and clinched the '59 Heisman Trophy with a spectacular 89-yard punt return against Ole Miss.

I'll be back soon with the rest.

No Bitches, they are already done, but we need to stretch these things out a bit. What are we.....prolific? Dumbass.

Savant Out

He Was Robbed

2007-11-27T17:19:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, I am a devoted Redskins fan. Today I am not speaking from my maroon and gold veins, but from my heart. The sports world has lost one of their own. Sean Taylor died this morning from a gunshot wound he suffered yesterday from a burglary at his home in Florida.
I followed Taylor's career since he was an All-American at Miami. The hard hitting Taylor would soon turn out to be one of my favorite players, even if I did despise the U. When he came into the league and was selected by Washington, there was hope in the future. This of course was followed by the realization that we still had a god-awful quarterback that couldn't lead Eddie Murphy to a tranny convention much less my Redskins. During his stay, he was known for his shut-down abilities and his paralyzing hits. (disclaimer: no players were actually paralyzed by Sean Taylor's actual hits)
To the greatest #21 to ever play this game........you will be missed. It's time to take that 7-0 lead into the sky.

Poon

Dear Diary...........

2007-11-23T13:44:00.000-06:00

Hours since last drink: 7
Last solid b.m.: June 3rd
Calories after 2 am: 1384

The morning shakes have finally gone away. Thankfully I have just a few drops of Bailey's in my coffee in the mornings. (I hide it in my shoe) The fact that I am losing sight in my left eye has me concerned a little bit. I think that it has to do with the change in weather. Same with the loss of feeling in my big toe and my constant nosebleeds.
So I bought another hooker last night. Went around bargain shopping on the bad corners after spending the better part of a paycheck drinking whiskey and getting 2nd hand STD's at The Beaver Dam. The hooker wasn't bad. She made it clear that she would work for coke so we both got in the back of my Bronco II and did a few lines off my stuffed boar's head. I knew that thing would come in handy. Next thing I know she is trying her hardest to give me enough of an erection to make it worth her while......unsuccessful.
I woke up to the sound of maglite tapping on my back window. As soon as the light pierced my eyes, I realized that the hooker was gone and so was my boar's head. My flacid dick still in hand, I opened up the back. Not for sure what the officer said, but I think he asked me something about anal masturbation. As I proceeded to do so, I was slung to the ground and promptly taken to jail. While I was signing my papers, I noticed that the time I was being checked in was 8:42 pm. The time change really has me fucked up. I wasted my one phone call to dial my roommate to bail me out. I thought about calling a lawyer or my family, but I just needed to get out of there. He came and bailed me out within the hour and we went to the bar.
A few drinks later I thought we should probably head home. Well, actually the bouncer decided that we should since I kept asking people if they wanted to smell a hooker's rotten vagina and then I would whip out my dick. They frown on that. Turns out it was 1:45 am anyways.
Stopped by Taco Bell, White Castle, KFC and took it all into Denny's to eat along with a Lumberjack Slam and Moons Over My-Hammy. After getting home, I threw up in the fish tank and passed out in the midst of spraying the toilet. Woke up and noticed that I hadn't even taken the time to take off my underwear or pants. I have a rash now.
Until tomorrow.

Poon

NO!

2007-11-19T09:12:00.000-06:00

LLLLLoyd Throws in the towel today. Bon Chance Mon Ami.

Please say you're just kidding. We love you LLLLLLLOYD. Please stay. We promise we'll let you win once in a while. Don't be like that. It's us, not you. You've done nothing wrong.

What? Who said the game has passed you by??? We'll kick their ass.

DON'T GO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Sniff.

PK down and out.

Tressel at the Shoe

2007-11-16T12:34:00.000-06:00

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Buckeye crew that day:
The score stood 28-21, with but one quarter more to play.
And then when Mendenhall made the first, and Dufrene did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to the hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only Boeckman could get back on the field –
We’d put up even money, now, with Boeckman at the wheel.

But the D preceeded Boeckman, as did another punt,
The first was getting pounded and the latter was a cunt.
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Boeckman getting to pass.

But the O got a penalty, to the wonderment of all,
And Mendenhall, the much despise-ed, got stopped for only 4 with the ball;
And when the dust had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,
There was Santella coming out with the rest of the Illini turds.

Then from 100,000 throats and more there rose a lusty WOO;
It rumbled through the valley, it rattled in The Shoe;
It knocked upon the Olentangy and recoiled upon the stands,
For Boeckman, mighty Boeckman, was getting his big chance.

There was ease in Boeckman’s manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Boeckman’s bearing and a smile on Boeckman’s face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly tipped his head,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt ‘twas Boeckman on the field.

Two hundred thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with crotch;
A hundred thousand tongues applauded when he hiked and did not botch.
Then while the writhing defense adjusted and read his hips,
Defiance gleamed in Boeckman’s eye, and sneer curled Boeckman’s lip.

And now the pigskin-covered ball came swiftly through the balls,
And Boeckman took it in his hands and gave it immediately to Wells.
Close by the massive tackle Wells unheeded sped-
“Second and eight,” said Boeckman. “They got nothing,” the defense said.

From the benches, black with people, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of a penis on an unfortunate coked up whore.
“Kill him! Kill Lloyd Carr!” shouted a half-naked drunken dame;
And it’s likely they’d a killed him if he was even at the game.

With a smile of Christian charity great Boeckman’s visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the offense, and once more the pigskin flew;
When he ran for 16 yards, it was deafening at The Shoe.

“GO BUCKS!” cried the ecstatic thousands, and echo answered Bucks;
But one confident look from Boeckman and the audience was no longer fucked.
The saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,
And the knew that mighty Boeckman wouldn’t let them lose this game.

The sneer is gone from Boeckman’s lip, his teeth are clinched in hate;
He pounds with cruel violence his hand on the center’s taint.
And now Boeckman pulls it back, and now he lets it go,
And now the air is pierced by the force of Boeckman’s throw.

Oh, somewhere in this Buckeye land the sun is shining bright;
TBDBITL is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere the D&D crew is drinking, and somewhere Poon is beating off;
But there is no joy in Columbus – mighty Boeckman has been picked off.

Muck Fichigan

GO BUCKS!!

I know what your thinkin'

2007-11-10T14:14:00.000-06:00

I’m sitting idly by, as the clock crawls toward the kick off of the next “trap game” for the Buckeyes. The Illini lay in wait to jam a thumb right the Buckeye's ~~poop-hole~~ eye, just to take the gild off the lily that is the Ohio State/Michigan game. Michigan is trying to do their part right now by being down to Wisconsin late in the game.

Anyway, as the nerves become more frayed I believe I need to take the edge off, ease the mind so to speak. Who better to help with that than Old Greg?

Ok, I know it doesn’t have a bit to do with anything but don’t you feel less anxious after seeing a scaly man-fish’s mangina? Make an assessment!

It’s Ole PK out

I know many of our readers have seen this, but WTF? You got something better to do? Bite me.

Dear Diary.........

2007-11-09T10:59:00.000-06:00

Wow! What a day I had today. It started off like any other day I guess. My mom was yelling at me to get up and get my lazy ass out of bed. One day when I get a real job I am moving out of this place I swear. I'll prove them wrong. I'm going to be something great! Who the hell wakes up before 10am anyways?
After I got up and going, I broke out my Tom Brady poster with the eyes cut out and jizzed on his face again. Man, I miss the days before he got big and he let me do it in real life. That lucky bitch that he knocked up doesn't know how good she has it. The balls on that guy are amazing and he doesn't have one hair on his body. The fact that he bleaches makes it not only nice to look at, but sanitary to kiss. He is my lobster.
I was hungry so I went to McDonalds for my usual kid's meal with extra hot fudge to dip my fries in. I love that place, I just hate the fact that people are calling me names when I go there. What did I do wrong? The keep yelling "go fuck yourself!" "you suck!" "why don't you go get another job!" Kid's can be so cruel.
While I was ordering my second ice cream (I know I'm so bad, I can't help it) this group of really nice young ladies came up to me and asked me if I wanted to hang out with them for a while. I didn't have anything to do before Tiny Toons came on at 3, so I said why not.
We went to their house where there were probably 20 girls there. Boy were they pretty. It made me get rigamortis in my dingy. I guess they could see that and then decided that they should help me out with it. They must be nursing students because they seemed to know what they were doing. First, they gave me some medicine to calm me down. I think it was called Skol and it looked like water. It didn't taste good, but most medicine doesn't unless it's those delicious Flinstones chewables. Whatever it was calmed me down really fast. I think I might be allergic to it because it made me light headed.
After they could see that I calmed down, they removed my Nemo shirt, jeans and my Spongebob underoos. My yo-yo started to hurt so they brought over someone that I guess was the doctor. He was really nice. It must be his first time doing this procedure because they were video taping it. He started massaging it until the pressure released just like it did on my poster this morning. I guess I didn't know that this could happen with someone else's help.
The procedure was done and I was still light headed, so they said I should just walk home instead of ride my tri-kee. The whole time I was walking, people were laughing at me and yelling and throwing things. It made me cry so I started running as fast as I could. When I got home, mommy was so worried.
"Where the hell have you been? You know you aren't supposed to be out past 7 and it's almost 9! Where are your clothes!"
I didn't know the answer to any of them so I just started crying. She felt bad and put me into bed for the night and brought me some racecar shaped chicken nuggets to help me feel better. Well, I guess I better go to bed so I can wake up early tomorrow and stand on the grass for a few hours. I still don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do, but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

Lloyd.

OHIO ROCKS.....and then you fall face first into a wall drunk and break a mirror

2007-11-06T19:25:00.000-06:00

This past weekend, the millionaire writers of your beloved D&D gathered together in the great city of Columbus, Ohio to give praise to the holier than holy tOSU. I'm done. I've completely sold out. I AM A BUCKEYE! To hell with the Aggies of which I have devoted my life to this point...I am fucking sold! A huge thank you goes out to my brothers up there for one of the best weekends of my life. I didn't want it to come to an end. What did we do you ask? Other than milking each other dry, we drank.....and drank......and for the love of God we drank.
Enough of the pole smoking, we are a sports blog dammit and we should write about sports. That is why I took it upon myself to decide once and for all which is more annoying.....1980's black man or 2007 black man.
Yeah, I'm going there. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against black people....I own a color TV. Hell, I own 2 so get off of my big black ass. Let's start.....

1980's black man would often become lazy and quit his job. This soon led to losing his car, home and ruining his credit.
2007 black man now works and complains that he does not get paid as much as the white man.
ADVANTAGE: PUSH

1980's black man makes rap music with his "posse" and smokes weed. That eventually led to cocaine and then usually hookers. The most famous to my knowledge was Eazy-E which not only led the rock star life, but then died from the AID that he got from some stupid bitch with a nappy ass weave. (listen to Boyz in the Hood and you will understand)
2007 black man makes rap music with his "homies" and smokes weed. This eventually leads to cocaine and then usually hookers. The software upgraded 2007 version now takes this to another level. There is more shooting of his fellow brothers now more than ever just because someone scuffed up his Pumas and called his mother a bizzle fo rizzle.
ADVANTAGE: PUSH

Now there are quite a few things that black people have over us. For example:
1. They have the biggest dicks I have ever had my hands around.....oh wait...I mean........no, that's actually what I meant.
2. They can weigh 350 and still get ass. Shit. I don't weigh that much and I go through a jar of peanut butter a week.
3. Sports.....enough said.

Final verdict.......PUSH

Stay black

Poon-rizzle

"It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme on time that's right it's TRICKY…"

2007-10-31T08:45:00.000-05:00

Take Savant's lead and help out the authorities

by creating your own police sketch

OK - so most of you already have your costume ideas for Halloween 2007 (Spiderman, Dirty Sanchez, Charles Nelson Riley etc.), but how many of you are prepared to play - not turn - tricks this year? We, here at d&d, are feeling a little rambunctious and, as such, would like to offer-up for your reading pleasure our Guide to Halloween Trickery.

In our estimation, all good tricks should involve one or more (more's better) of the following: public humiliation, fecal matter, special undergarments, transmission of a sexually transmitted disease (always a crowd pleaser), doughnuts, semen, a furry mammal (bonus points for using marsupials), and ethnic slurs.

If it's your first Halloween trick, try something basic. After all, you don't want to set-up yourself for failure. You might, for example, simply poop on your neighbors front porch. For added mystery, do it in a paper bag and place on the welcome mat before ringing the doorbell and running away. If you're feeling supremely confident, light the bag on fire.

Intermediate Halloween buffoonery might incorporate just a couple of these tried-and-true themes - like tossing off and unloading in the pouch of a kangaroo and then telling your neighbors there is candy in the pouch. When they reach in, they will get a fist full of goo.

Gotcha!For the advanced trickster, pull-out all the stops...

Ruffies Man. Ruffies! Hand ‘em out to the kiddos and by 7:30 it’ll look like a bomb went off in the neighborhood. Kids strewn about everywhere.

Try this if you have a storm door on your front door. Open the front door, turn your porch light on like you are giving away candy. Then turn your TV toward the door and put on the foulest raunchiest porn (Sure, HC you can use gay porn if you want) you can find, turn up the volume and leave the house. Awesome!

Go back to May and plant sweet corn in your neighbor’s lawn. By now you’ll have a bounty of delicious corn ready for harvest. MMMMM, corn.

Pesky neighborhood children? Have we got a game for you. Take the little darlings for a long walk into the dark woods. Wait patiently for the first kiddo to mutter, "Mister, I'm getting scared." That's when the fun begins. You reply, "You think your scared? I have to walk out of here alone." Then sit back and chortle as the little bastards make tracks thiugh the thicket, running into trees and shredding their tender shins on brambles. Shit, that one slays us every time.

Now comes the audience participation portion of the evening. Please add your tricks in the comment section. If you know what’s good for you, Ghoul!

Savant and crue out.

How to build a drink with ice without your wife noticing

2007-10-29T12:23:00.001-05:00

I want to tell you about something that happened to this dude named Porkchop and how he’s trying to come to terms with it.

When Porkchop came back from a vacation this summer, Porkchop’s wife was not very happy with him. It seems he acted ugly in many ways and drank enough booze in 10 days for Porkchop’s brother and brother’s wife to call mom and tattle. Then Porkchop’s wife, “We need to talk about our future together.” Anyone who is married knows what this veiled threat is all about.

So it’s cutback time for Porkchop, who knows how good a gig he has, working from home and slapping his yambag all the time. So now he can’t drink on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, which represents a turmoil that’s significantly less than sporadically amusing. And when he does get to drink, he has to be responsible and quit before Porkchop morphs from Professor Porkchop into Fuckface Porkchop. The probability of this happening, he explained to me, indicated a potential statistical anomaly based on past performances. So that means when Porkchop’s lovely wife and family are in bed and he’s supposed to have stopped slugging back his cups, he has to sneak, which seems like a perfectly cromulent thing to do at the time. And yes, he says, before you raise your goddamned accusatory eyebrow, he knows is one of the classic indicators of alcoholism. But nevertheless, he is not going to AA because Porkchop will not submit to religion because he believes, as Einstein taught, religion is a bunch mumbo-jumbo and there probably is a god somewhere but he really isn’t interested in whether Porkchop can have another drink or two before he goes to fucking bed.

The rest of this essay is based on the assumption that a good liquor drink must be served in a glass rocks glass with plenty of ice. Otherwise, just guzzle it out of a bag, wino.

So he says the first thing to be careful of is slamming the cabinet door. Porkchop has those kinds of hinges where the door pops up about ¼ inch before it closes, and it makes a loud bang even if he keeps his hand on it. Then, the careful opening of refrigerator, which, depending on his paranoia, may include slipping his fingers beneath the rubber gasket that seals the door to break the airlock quietly. Now, one must remove the ice bucket from the freezer (not sliding but lifting and pulling) and carefully retrieving one ice cube at a time without disturbing those ice cubes contiguous to the original. With a dish towel wrapped around the glass to muzzle the clinking noises of ice falling into a rocks glass, carefully place one cube at a time inside, making sure not to upset the tedious balance of cubes already at rest. Of course, you don’t close the refrigerator while doing this so you don’t have to open it again. Quietly replace the ice bucket, then tip the glass to the side while the warm sweetness pours into thirsty vessel. Some nights, Porkchop must open another can of Sprite Zero (three to four drinks can be created per can) and this is quite difficult, because when the tab pulls and the interior gasses escape according to the laws of osmosis, it makes a loud cracking sound easily detected by the motherhearing of a wife even when she is sleeping. So place the unopened can under the shirt and wrap the non-opening hand around the outside. Slowly pull the tab while hiding in the downstairs bathroom with the poop fan on, then skulk back to the kitchen carefully avoiding the floorboards that squeak in the middle of the floor where people have been walking for 60 years.

Mix the bubbly with the marinated ice and happy juice. Almost anyone can handle the rest, including quietly installing the rocks glass in the back of the dishwasher’s top rack after you move the glass that was back there to the front so it will throw the dogs off your scent trail.

If you see Porkchop on that terrible TV show Intervention, he’ll be the one swinging punches at those in his family and friends who try to keep him from leaving.

"Isn't That Special" - Church Lady 1987

2007-10-25T09:46:00.000-05:00

On nearly a daily basis I stop by several blogs to get my updates on the Sport, the Entertainment, the ~~Porn~~ News of the day and the Whining and crying at one of the Meatchicken blogs. In all fairness they do a good job of detailing the happening of their team and its opponents. They also have, on a several times a week rate, slams on tOSU and our fans. Lots of times it’s really funny and pretty accurate given large amount of mustachioed mullet wearing townies (and Delany) that invade the area around the ‘shoe in the fall. Having said all that, their ‘You work for us’ attitude still makes me want to take a giant crap on the 50 at the Big Shit House.

This however was actually a little creepy. I thought I remembered exactly what Ohio State and its women looked like circa 1986. Wrong. Just take a look. If you aren’t from that era, withhold your judgment and go listen to Creed on your iPod.

I’m pretty sure I saw glimpses of Papa Joe’s, Mustards and maybe Travel Agency in there. See if you agree.

If you'll excuse me now, I’m going to peg the legs of my jeans and dig out my Sperry top-siders. Totally!

Hasta la vista, Baby.

PK out

You really need to stop masturbating.

2007-10-24T09:47:00.000-05:00

We've been great stewards of the company time lately. Really keeping the nose to the grindstone. Not buying it? Don't blame you. What we've actually be doing is adding alternate punchlines to the old joke. A guy goes to the doctor, and the doctor says "You really need to stop masturbating" the guys says "Why?" And the doctor says because you are freaking out the other people in the waiting room." Here are some of the ones we've come up. Please stop masturbating and add your own in the comment section, Jag Off!

You really need to stop masturbating.

Why?

Because you are distracting JonBenet from her dance practice.
Because you chipped one of my teeth with your class ring.
Because Grandpa needs his colostomy bag back.
Because the microwave timer went off - your baby is done.
Because the cripple needs to shut her mouth to chew.
Because there are kids waiting to sit on Santa's lap, too!!

Listn, yu hve gt stop mstrbatng!......

Why?

bcuz i cnt type wit both thums up yur ass

Because Professor Hawking’s hair is getting matted.
Because you have to lock up the Gimp before Zed gets back.
Because, Coach Kryziewski, the TV time-out is just about over.
Because, the clown suit is a rental.
Because you’ve filled all the doughnuts.

You really need to stop masturbating.

Why?

Because the coroner is due back from lunch soon.
That’s NOT your penis!
Because I’m trying to fasten your seat belt, Captain Lerdon.
Because I’ll never be able to trust the cottage cheese again.
Because your cigarette is about to light your SpongeBob pillowcase on fire.
Because this is not considered an appropriate best-man speech.

You really need to stop masturbating.

Why?

Because Kaptain Kangaroo says you are creeping out the Dancing Bear.
Because, Holy Father, the Pope-mobile is see-through.
MOM!
Because we're going to have to squeegee-off the boy's bubble again.

Because my grandmother hasn't worn those panties in 6 years.

Now your turn, McFisty

Three Seconds Left....He Shoots.......He Ruins Another T-Shirt

2007-10-22T15:54:00.000-05:00

Ok, s0 I talk a big game and don't back it up. Remember when I said a few months ago that the summer was slow and when football season came around we would be writing more than an oriental in advanced calculus? I remember that too. What happened you ask? Well listen up you ass hat, it is hard running a multi-million dollar sports media empire. Do you think that we get nominated for awards left and right just because we listen to the voices of the poor bastards that have nothing better to do than read this thing? NO! We get nominated because we kick ass......and we know people that know people and blah blah blah.
Fear not. We are back. Unfortunately the creative juices that started flowing during the first week of football ended up just being juices leaking out of our newly bleached holes because of the olestra filled WOW chips that PK and I found on sale at the 99 cent store because they expired 10/2004. Seriously, who can pass up a bargain? I mean 99 cents with a 20% off........yeah that's what I thought.
As we digest the first 7 weeks of football, what did we learn?

Randy Moss is a fucking freak.
Tom Brady has a 15" cock with balls the size of boxcars.
The Bengals might have more arrests than wins this year.
I still want to piss on Texas Stadium and the dick it rode in on.
The Redskins are the best team in the NFL.....deal with it.
Vinny Testeverde can raise the average age of a team by almost a decade.
Minnesota loves AP.......and number 28 is pretty good too.

While spending this week on vacation, I have a pretty packed schedule. I won't go into details, but it includes diapers, oriental men, a box of zip ties, both a phillips and flathead screwdriver, a hairless panda and a change of underwear and socks. Fortunately, this can all be checked in so that I don't have to carry any of it on the airplane. I also have on my schedule to get busy writing. This will be my first flight with our new pilot for our company jet. Seems like a good guy, Marshall grad.

Poon

Ring Ring Ring....

2007-10-19T13:00:00.000-05:00

Hey baby, drove by your apartment last night didn’t see any lights on.

It was kinda late, actually had car trouble. What a coincidence that it was right in front of your place.

Seriously, I think it’s my alternator.

It has to do with the battery and shit.

No really, I just happened to be in the neighborhood. So anyway, did you go out or something? Studying?

PISCATAWAY?! What the hell is that?

Oh New Jersey. Didn’t know you were planning on going out of town. I was watching for you from my dorm room window and didn’t see you at the Starbucks across the street. That explains it. What’s the occasion?

Oh, yeah. USF Football. Right. Whoppiedeedoo. Still chasing the dream, huh? Are you there alone?

Of course. What a douche bag. Aside from being starting QB what he got?

OH YEAH, WHORE? Well they lost. You like that Bitch? LOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSERS! Hope you had fun while it lasted with your over-rated homos.

Baby I’m sorry. Can I call you when you get back…..Hello? Hellooooooo? Damn it.

College Football is good, exciting

2007-10-15T15:16:00.001-05:00

IndyBuckeye took time away from reading case histories about Taiwanese trannies in a dark corner of his law office to post this comment on the last d and d post. “Got dam Buckeyes have been #1 for almost 24 hours now and nothing. Nice Blog. Get off your asses.”

Oh puhlease, like I’m going to fall for that shit. Do I look like the kind of maroon that will hurry up and post something just because he gets a little heat from our reader? I think not. I was planning on putting something up here today anyway.

So the Buckeyes are number 1 in the first installment of the BCS rankings. I should probably begin by saying how I think the Buckeyes are over-rated and got there by just not losing to push-over patsies like many of the 11 teams that were ranked ahead of them at the start of the campaign. I should also say that South Florida is probably a better pick to be #1 with more quality victories over ranked teams (when they played and now). But I won’t.

Based on how this season is rolling there will be 3 more different number 1 teams before the bowl series is solidified. It’s been one of, if not the best, college football seasons in memory with huge upsets every week. This season, being number one is a temporary ailment. With trips to State Penn and The Whore and visits from Illannoy and Wishconsin, the Buckeyes could easily be the next to cede the top spot to the next victim. In this case the South Florida Somethings. Alligator Anuses?

Ok, now having said all that. The GD Buckeyes are number 1 bitches. New Orleans here we come.

PK, schizo and out.

Road Trip Checklist

2007-10-12T12:18:00.000-05:00

I'm not exactly sure if I'm supposed to post this for Savant or not. He wasn't specific so I thought I'd be err on the side of caution and get it up here. Sounds like he's got all the makings for a pretty nice weekend.

Ok, just about to head out of town for a Music Festival. I need to make sure I've got everything for an enjoyable trip.

First, Red See-through Teddy. Check.

Super Terrific Hi-tech Holographic Porn Goggles.

Check Breast Pumps. Checkerino

Headset. Yep

Joy Stick. Check and Check (wink, wink)

and ergonomically designed mouse. Checkity Check.

Ok, I'm ready for the Second annual Buckeye Savant-Super-Duper-Excellent-Music-Road-Trip. One-hundred mile rule activated. See you in Hell Bitches.

BASEBALL BEEN VERY,VERY GOOD

2007-10-04T09:15:00.000-05:00

Well, once again, it's time to contest the champion of our national pastime. Although I would argue until I'm blue-in-the-face that football is our "true" national sport, the baseball playoffs always remind me of the greatness and purity (aside from the steroids, of course) of the sport. No game has changed less over the years than baseball - still nine innings, no clock, wooden bats. I suppose expansion (of both teams and the playoffs) has changed the landscape of the game, but hitting a 90 m.p.h. curveball in 2007 is still as tough to do as anything in athletics.

There are several interesting storylines developing. Loveable losers the Chicago Cubs and Cleveland Indians are "in" - as are The "Evil Empire" and their nemesis, The Red Sox. The Phillies benefited from the Mets' monumental collapse to earn their spot - along with the Angels, Diamondbacks, and Rockies.

The best World Series would be Cubs vs. Indians, but my money is on just one of the perennial losers getting there, which brings me to my "official" prediction:
Red Sox over Cubs in 6 games.

On Friday, I will be on my way to Cleveland to root, root, root for my Indians against the Yankees. It remains to be seen if Joey Joe Jr. Joe Schabadoo (not to be confused with Joe Charboneau) will also be at Jacob's Field. Chances are, he'll just be in Texas watching. Maybe getting blown or sucked…if he's lucky.

War Tribe.

Savant Out.

I Hate Lou Holtz

2007-09-29T06:02:00.000-05:00

Lou Fucking Holtz is the biggest fraud to be perpetuated on college football. Shame on ESPN for putting this cheating fake on the air. I’m sick of his squirrely little mug, his goofy toupee, and his fake “aw-shucks” demeanor, delivered with a lisp reminiscent of Ron Howard from his homo-erotic turn as Andy’s son in Mayberry.

Why do I hate “Saint Lou” so. Let me give you four reasons. Arkansas. Notre Dame. Minnesota. Notre Dame. What do these four schools have in common? They all ended up on probation for violations that occurred when Lou was the coach there. And the biggest coincidence? Saint Lou didn’t know about any of it! What a lying douche bag. What I can’t understand is how he has gotten a pass on this from the mainstream media. Bill Belicheck tapes defensive signals, and people react like he lived next door to movie starts and invited Charles Manson over to dinner. Yet Lou gets four—count ‘em—four schools placed on probation, quits, writes a book, gets a tv deal, and lisps his way through his “pep talk” segment. Fucking douche. For a great read on the subject, Click here.

In the meantime, fuck Lou and the miniature pony the sawed off runt rode in on.

HC Out.

d & d Pop Culture Update

2007-09-19T12:46:00.000-05:00

OK - we freely admit that opinions are like assholes (everyone's ~~trying to get their finger in~~ got one), but since reading our blog "don't cost nuthin'," we will continue to post whatever crap we want and hope your keep coming back.
Note to Staff: Add fake internet porn portal to make sure nobody willingly clicks away from d & d. Ever.

…now, on to our professional opinion on several current events…

OJ Simpson - No redeeming human qualities what-so-ever. We can forgive the wife murdering, but dating white women and stealing sports memorabilia? At least he never got over on the Buckeyes (27-16 Rose Bowl Winners in 1969).

Britney Spears - Wow. Too easy.

International Talk Like a Pirate Day - Outstanding. Of course the challenge is to opine about this without using traditional pirate talk (that would be too over-the-top…even for d & d). The only thing better than International Talk Like a Pirate Day would be International Dress Like a Pirate Day (especially if you can pull-off the Kent Tekulve look). On second thought, getting blood out of a clown suit is tough enough - maybe this is a bad idea .

Gay Sex in Bathroom Stalls - OK, we understand this is hot, but it's so unhygienic (I mean, come on…"eewww"). Larry Craig may like hot, sweaty man sex, but just say no to "in the can" sex…wait, what we meant to say is…oh forget it. Get a room already.

Michigan Football - Still sucks, but not as bad as Notre Dame. Several staffers barely passed Philosophy 150 (symbolic logic), but we feel confident in offering the following proof:
1. Appalachian State sucks
2. Appalachian State beat Michigan
3. Michigan beat Notre Dame

Therefore…Appalachian State sucks, Michigan swallows, and Notre dame takes it in the arse.

Note: d & d would like to thank the brilliant young minds of West Virginia University - circa 1998 - for demonstrating that proof (albeit with different schools) on a bed sheet hanging off the front porch of a house on campus.

Now get back to pretending to work and stay tuned for more pop culture updates...

Savant Out (not that kind of out, just logging off....not that way.....I mean.....fuck it. Later)

No Excuses

2007-09-19T10:17:00.000-05:00

I KNOW. We are the sorriest excuse for a blog in the entire interwebtube world of blogging. No excuses. By that I mean we have them, but I’m not going to try to sway your opinion of us by listing them here. We should stand on our own merits of competent and prolific blogocity. It shouldn’t matter that Poon’s new job as Chief Gnat Shit out of Pepper Picker is taking up all his time. And of course the medication he is taking for his pending “Change” makes him tired and negatively effects his creativity.

Savant hasn’t been seen since he ran off with Fritz the Erasure roadie. We know he’ll be happy as a clam….A clam with a ball-gag permanently crammed in its mouth that is.

Pork Chop, well you know Pork Chop. He’s been on a Hunter S. Thompson-like bender all summer. He’ll eventually tear down the foil off his apartment windows and emerge like Punxsutawney Phil only to realize it’s a cold drizzly late-fall in the Midwest and retreat to his bath-tub gin, Newports and crack whores.

Hairy Carrey, has always been thought of as the supposedly most upstanding and responsible of the bunch…PFFFFFT. He’s been way too busy trying to work the bugs out of his “theft prevention” cameras he installed in the girls locker room at his school. Good news is that theft is down but Ted the janitor is confounded about the origin of all the icing on the floor of the Asst. Principal’s office, and how to clean it up.

Even yours truly may have lost the muse. I’ve just really been depressed since I found out that Rosie O’Donnell was leaving The View. I just love her. I think it's so cute that most of the time you can still see her breakfast of bacon and ranch dressing on her chin. That GD Drew Carey, he must have blown someone to take away her rightful gig on The Price is Right. Bastard.

Seriously, none of that should matter. If we need to we’ll fire the whole fucking bunch of them and run Indy Buckeye and his footie pajama wearing posse in here if we can get some decent production out of this bitch. We’ll pull that trigger in a red hot second. Let this be a warning shot across your collective bow, Down and Distant. Get yer shit squared away and write, dammit. Or you’ll find your self right back where you started, making scary preditory comments on the Hannah Montana fan site.

So as not to have this post be just about bitching and complaining here’s a nice photo of the beautiful and talented Mrs. PK in Seattle, where she and PK were supporting our beloved Buckeyes. More photos available upon request. And, NO Hairy, not those types of photos. You perv.

PK out

It's Official: M*chigan Really Sucks!

2007-09-05T13:21:00.000-05:00

OK - so we're a couple days late with this post, but give us a break. d & d went on a 3-day bender/road trip to buy Appalachian State shirts. Although we were unable to secure sponsorship rights, we think you ought to buy one: HERE

(ED: it's BOONE, North Carolina - which is just a couple letters away from being an outstanding town name.)

We at d & d feel somewhat validated by Appalachian State's victory (yes - FOOTBALL victory) over the M*chigan Wolverines. After all, we have always thought M*chigan sucked…just not THAT much. Jeesch.

You know it's probably karmic payback for all their superiority crap we've taken over the years. Furthermore, it's perfect justice for scUM loudmouth (and former Heisman contender) Mike Hart who guaranteed a rematch win after his team lost to their rival, THE Ohio State University last year. I wonder if Mike thinks his team could win a rematch against Appalachian State? I also wonder how long until LLLLLoyd Carr blames OSU for this loss?

Food for thought - can you imagine how badly the Mountaineers (that's Appalachian State's nickname - in case, like 97% of the county - but not Buckeye Savant- you didn't know) would have beaten Michigan on a neutral field?

Maybe this is a little harsh…I mean there is an upside for the scUMers: at least scUM found a way to make their program relevant again! Not every NCAA Division I program can participate in the greatest college football upset of ALL TIME. True 'dat!

Death, taxes, and M*chigan sucking…just a few of the universal truths.

Savant Out - going to have some iced tea, sweetened with the sweetest substance known to Little Baby Jesus......LLLLLOYD Carr tears.

Football, Goo and Dead Hookers....DAMN I LOVE SUNDAYS!

2007-08-26T18:03:00.000-05:00

In my never ending pursuit of throwing everything in my life to complete shit for the sake of sports, I have just finished my 4th fantasy football draft. I know that there are some of my humble followers out there that are in more drafts that I am and for them I simply say, "suck it.....yep suck it." Is there really a need for this? Can one league not fill your sports tummy full of stats and upkeep enough to make it through a season? Do you really have a chance of winning any of your leagues? Is it odd if you have the Little League World Series playing in the background while you are multitasking between webpages of fantasy football drafts and amateur porn?
The answers of course are no, no, no and no as long as the sound is off. I guess that is one of the great things about not having a roommate. I can sit around on Sundays watching sports and having long distance shooting competitions all day without someone interrupting me. What are you doing? Put your pants on! Why is there mayonnaise in my shoe? Is that a dead hooker in your room covered in cocaine and peanut butter? Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You know as well as I do that during the summer when all you have is baseball to watch, you have to find ways to pass the time until football starts up.
Now that we are so close to the start of the greatest sports season of the year, of course I encourage you to join a few fantasy football leagues. Yeah, a few. Join 3 or 4. Pick different players in all of the drafts so you have some sort of chance of winning. I plan on spending at least 2 more nights this week at home alone getting completely hammered sitting in front of my computer ignoring calls from the old lady and partaking in more fantasy football teams. I expect my minions to do the same.
The only other piece of advice that I have for you is to put some effort into your team name.....almost as much effort on that as actually picking your team. I don't want to run into one of you online and see your team name as your email address or your actual name. Get creative. Here are some of my team names that you may steal.

off in the shower - Although I can't take full credit for this one, it is genius. Even if you lose a week the other person still has to say they beat off in the shower. There are some versions of this that you may also use like.....
off in your mother
off in penny loafers
you get the idea.

Granny's Hairy Hole - Nothing really special here, just disturbing enough to make you known.

A Stool Sample Named Desire - Again, can't take full credit for this one, but I like it.

Enjoy fantasy football like I do this year and good luck.

Of course by good luck I mean I hope that you don't ruin every aspect of your life within the next 6 months by taking my word on playing fantasy football. If you do, I'm looking for a roommate.

Fantasy Poonball

Reunited and it feels so good…

2007-08-13T15:50:00.000-05:00

(ed: Buckeye Savant actually asked permission to do two Rock and Roll posts back-to-back. Well, how could we keep him from doing so? He does work in a vinyl record shop, wears sleeveless black concert t-shirts and has a 6' bong named Tall Stanley and smaller one named SpAced Frehley. Plus it's not like anyone is really shaking the late summer doldrums off this MFer. So on with the show Savant. Hello Cleveland!)

OK boys and girls, drop your linen and start your grinin' as it looks like 75% of the original bands Van Halen and Led Zeppelin will be touring (albeit separately) in the next 6-7 months. If you don't already smoke pot, this is as good a time as any to start (just stay away from Washington Park). Van Halen is all but confirmed for 50 US dates and it is very likely Led Zep will follow suit. Although the roll of Michael Anthony will be played by Wolfgang Van Halen (Eddies' son) and Jason Bonham will beat the skins in place of his dad, John, expect both outfits to bring-it!

I'll go out on a limb and guarantee the following for each show: outrageous ticket prices, hot, skanky topless hard rock groupies, palpable nostalgia, contact buzzes, sweet-ass concert shirts, and really great music. Two of the best front-men in the history of rock-n-roll will be on display (one wearing ass-less chaps, which, ironically, strikes me as "less gay" than wearing regular chaps) so chug a few Red Bulls before the show as you may need every ounce of energy.

Something happened at AT&T Park last night

2007-08-08T08:45:00.000-05:00

ATT Park -- the scene of the crime

I know it’s controversial and polarizing. It may also be racially dividing. It’s a topic that has battle lines drawn between baseball fans young and old. Something happened last night in the City by The Bay. We don’t usually shy away from controversial topics at Down and Distant so it’s no wonder that we are going to tackle this one.

For some reason I found myself watching the telecast of the Nationals and Giants game from AT&T Park. That’s when it happened. It’s tough to talk about but here goes. They have a woman PA announcer there. I know! Can you believe it? First Title IX, then Pam Ward in the D-1 college TV booth, now a skirt at a ball park. Oh the horror. She was really belting it out, so it would have been tough to miss her over-announce-screaming the names of Giants as they approached the plate.

The fake Condi Rice, Renel Brooks-Moon Giants announcer.

Maybe baseball should put an asterisk next to Giants home wins. Too harsh? I’m not so sure.

PK. Out.

Who's Now

2007-08-02T14:18:00.000-05:00

As much as I love me some ESPN, lately I have been highly disappointed with the hollow attempts to try to bring something funky and hip to those of us that repeatedly watch SportsCenter for hours at a time. Believe me, I would give righty to get Dan Patrick and Keith Olberman back on the same team in the mornings, but I have come to the realization that it will never happen and I’m ok with that.
What I’m not ok with is this Who’s Now crap.

“Who’s Now? More like Who’s watching this shit?”

I’ll wait for the applause to stop…….oh. Guess they never started for that one. Either way my humble followers filthy peasants chronic meat beaters, I would rather stick my dick in a porcupine’s ass than watch another second of this crap. This did get me thinking though about something that we might be able to do here at D&D. All day we have been sitting around dressed as our favorite Village People (I’m the cowboy!) and we have come down to the semi-finals of our Who’s More Gayer-ier Tournament. We have 4 different regions with contestants from TV, music, sports and religion. Here are the finalists.

The finalist from the “Bob Saget” region is Little Ricky Ricardo. Ouch, did I strike a nerve right off the bat? Have you known for us to care about your feelings? Then shut that glory hole of yours and keep reading. Everyone remembers when Lucy was working in the chocolate factory and shoved all that chocolate in her mouth because her and Ethel couldn’t keep up with how fast the belt was running. (season 2 episode 39 if you were wondering) Well, the episode where little Ricky tried to see how many hot dog wieners he could shove down his throat was somewhat the same, but not all that popular….especially for the time period we are talking about. I don’t know what sex move the “Babalu” is but if I don’t know it, it must be crazy. The awkward scene between him and Fred will not be discussed here…..even by me and that’s saying a lot. Move on Little Ricky…..move on.

Coming from the “Chinese Women’s Olympic Swim Team” region is John Amaechi. Yes, it might be the easiest pick for us to make it to the finals, but show me someone more deserving. This little ball-gagger was the first big time pro athlete to publicly come out of the closet. As much as I hate to say that this guy was a pro athlete (since I never heard of him until he came down with the gay) he did play pro ball and that’s more than I can say for myself. Can he beat me in a game of one-on-one…..yes. Can he throw me a little rusty trombone on birthdays and anniversaries? Yes! That’s why he won the bracket.

From the “What Exactly Does the ‘H’ Stand For” region is Zacchaeus. Yes he was a wee little man and a wee little man was he. There are photographs of him hanging out in a Sycamore tree too catch a quick glimpse of his man crush. When the two of their eyes met, it was magic. J said, “Come down from there. We should have dinner tonight. I’ll bring the wine.” Cheap bastard. He just brought water and changed it on the spot. Anyways, anyone that can sneak a peek of JC’s browneye gets votes from me. He’s in.

Finally, from the “Assless Chaps” region is Lori and Reba Shappell. Yeah I went there. You can’t tell me that for the first 35 years of their single lives that there wasn’t some crazy stuff going on. I mean that close to each other they must have messed around more than once. I will say that when you get them drunk they are quite the pair. I still hope that they will return my call. I feel so used. To the finals with you before I puke.

So in the semi (chuckle) finals we have Little Ricky Ricardo facing John Amaechi and Zacchaeus going head to head to head with Lori and Reba Shappell.

This is where we do a little audience participation…..you make the call. Who is going to move on from the regions? If nobody leaves comments, I will start replacing people in this list with real people that I know that read this blog daily. I will put your home address, cell phone number, first and last name and possibly your social security number. Not a threat, just a head’s up.

As P-Diddy said, “Vote or Die.”

After all that, I will still take Tiger Woods over Lebron James in the Who’s Now finale.

Poon’s Now

Needling Barry

2007-07-28T11:05:00.000-05:00

Here at D and D we hold ourselves to the highest standards of journalistic ethics. While blogsters and the mainstream media have had a field day with tragic stories involving Barry Bonds, Michael Vick, and allegedly crooked NBA officials, we have maintained that, like all Americans, these citizens are innocent until proven guilty. That being said, Barry Bonds is a cheatin’, no good, needle stickin, clear and cream usin’ lying piece of shit. He couldn’t carry Hammerin’ Hank’s jock strap. Hell, the only thing that douche bag hasn’t hammered is the backside of his personal trainer, Greg Anderson, who is doing hard time in the pokey for covering Barry’s needle scarred ass.

Oh, I can hear you bleeding heart liberal Hilary lickin’ Osama humpin’ cry babies right now.

“Oh, Hairy, that’s not fair. You have no proof.”

“Oh, Hairy, this is another case of keeping the black man down.”

“Oh, Hairy, you are just pissed because the Cubs have gone 99 years without winning the World Series and the Marlins have already won two.”

OK. That Marlins thing does burn my ass. But the rest of it is just plain horseshit. Want proof. Here goes.

I was at the first annual Anna Nicole Smith Memorial Trailer Park’s Flea Market Extravaganza, and let me tell you, it was a fine sale. I plunked down twelve dollars for a lot of seven shoe boxes full of baseball cards, Garbage Pail Kids cards, and pop tabs (the pop tabs I will send to little Billy Spchinctal, who needs 10,000 more tabs to qualify for a kidney transplant). Over the last few weeks I have been sorting through my cards, and along with a Buddy Biancalana World Series action card, I found damning proof that Mr. Barry Lamar Bonds is a juicer. Feast your eyes on this, sports fans, and tell Hairy that Mr. Bonds hasn’t done more juicin’ than a hooker with a cleft palate.

Wake up, you head in the sand namby-pamby nipple suckers! I implore you, when Barry Bonds steps to the plate in his quest to surpass the rightful king of the round-trippers, all Americans should stand at the ready, hands on their commodes, so when this cheatin’ piece of shit hits #756, they can flush their toilets, sending a resounding message that we don’t give a shit about Mr. Barry Bonds. Nuff said.

What's on our Victrola?

2007-07-27T10:23:00.000-05:00

Editor's Note: These are dark Football-less days where all we have to talk about is baseball or come up with greatness like PCU. (of course, Hairy Carrey can't bear to post something about his beloved Cubs for fear that he'll be the next goat-blowing Steve Bartman) So Savant has ~~pulled this out of his ass~~ come up with a very nice idea that WILL illicit many comments. Notice I said WILL? Not a request. We'll add in our other faves over the next couple of week. Also keep an eye out for our nominees for the first installment of the Downy Awards -- the best of our posts and some other shit. Here's Savant -- PK out.

As an editorial staff, we at down and distant agree that healthy doses of both sarcasm and politically incorrect rude internet banter are good for the soul. We do, however, like to stretch the limits of what's possible…from time-to-time. As an aside, in college (during a Hell Week "shower") Hairy Carry once tried to stretch PK's ~~balloon knot~~ "limits." Although all parties agreed to never speak of it again, I'd just like to say that I'm a non-judgmental person and I don't think there's anything wrong with that…but I digress…

Here now for your ~~reading pleasure~~ periodic break from masturbating is the first entry in our d&d staff series "Favorite Rock Albums."

Alive! - KISS, 1975 Probably the best live rock album ever (apologies to "Frampton Comes Alive" and "Live at Leeds" by The Who). This multi-platinum double-album from "The Hottest Band in The World" ushered-in an era of loud, raw stadium rock that helped balance the music industry against the "disco" phenomenon of the mid-70's. Unlike bands who planted the seeds of Heavy Metal (Blue Cheer, Black Sabbath, and Led Zeppelin), the early music of KISS was heavy and raw, but combined this with more Beatle-esque pop riffs to create songs that were almost always less than 3 1/2 minutes, thus, appealing to the short attention span of a younger generation. Most songs were, on some level, about getting laid...with an occasional nod to partying…both topics which d&d zealously supports.

Although KISS had been around for a couple years and was quickly gaining notoriety as one of the best live acts, their first three albums (KISS, Hotter Than Hell, and Dressed To Kill) were selling pretty well, but not great. The band was such a huge live draw that Casablanca Records and KISS both wanted to produce an album that was almost like a souvenir of going to the show. Having the balls to produce not only a live album, but a DOUBLE live album (during an era when there didn't appear to be a demand for live albums) would lay the foundation to help KISS break-through and become the most popular band of the mid-70's (according to several gallop polls - most recently 1978). They recorded several shows during early 1975 (Cleveland, the OSU Pike House, Detroit, and Iowa) which would, with only minor studio overdubs, become Alive!

Despite producing more gold albums than almost any other band not named either "The Beatles" or "Jim Nabors", KISS was never popular with the critics. They would, however, influence several generations of heavier bands including Van Halen, Motley Crue, Guns-N-Roses, Soundgarden, Nirvana, Pantera, and Rob Zombie. Furthermore, due to their mass-appeal in the 70's and marketing prowess, they command a faithful following unlike almost any other band.

* Editorial note - it has been rumored that Savant owns his very own KISS ball-gag

** Savant's rebuttal - Mmrruumphhh. Mmrruumphhh!!!!!

*** Editorial response - Shhh...shhh

If you're going to listen to Alive! (and I think you should), I recommend you do so with the volume cranked-up to eleven (11) with ~~your~~ a woman in the back seat of a '75 Camero after drinking lots of alcohol. Best cuts include the high-energy openers "Deuce" and "Strutter." the heavy classic 'Cold Gin," and, of course, "Rock-N-Roll All Night.

"Rock On, Fuckers!

Munch on My Carpet

2007-07-21T17:20:00.000-05:00

Jesus, maybe the next time I get the trots I should throw a cat's face up my ass so I can get the ball sucking that has been going on around here since that last post. I mean when 'ol Mike Hamburger is the first jotting down some comments, you're doing something right. Well to follow that up I decided to let things cool down a bit with a little history lesson for you.

The carpet industry in the United States began in 1791 when William Sprague started the first woven carpet mill in Philadelphia. Others opened during the early 1800s in New England. Included in that area was Beattie Manufacturing Company in Little Falls, New Jersey, a company that operated until 1979.

In 1839, Erastus Bigelow permanently reshaped the industry with the invention of the power loom for weaving carpets. Bigelow's loom, which doubled carpet production the first year after its creation and tripled it by 1850, is now part of the Smithsonian Institution's collections. He continued to devote his life to innovation -- 35 separate patents were issued to him between 1839 and 1876. Bigelow introduced the first broadloom carpet in 1877.

The power loom with Jacquard mechanism was developed in 1849, and Brussels carpet was first manufactured by the Clinton Company of Massachusetts. The Brussels loom was slightly modified, making possible the manufacture of Wilton carpet. Later, the Hartford Carpet Company joined with Clinton Company to become Bigelow Carpet Company.

In 1878, four Shuttleworth brothers brought 14 looms from England and established their manufacturing plant in Amsterdam, New York. In 1905, the company introduced a new carpet, Karnak Wilton. Its instant success was phenomenal. Flooded with orders, a new building had to be constructed to exclusively handle Karnak production. Weavers worked four and five years without changing either the color or pattern on their looms.

Alexander Smith started his carpet manufacturing plant in 1845 in West Farms, New York. An American, Halcyon Skinner, had perfected the power loom for making Royal Axminster in 1876. He and Alexander Smith combined, forming a very successful carpet company. Alexander Smith was elected to Congress in 1878, but died on the evening of Election Day. Sixteen hundred people were employed at his factory at the time of his death. Alexander Smith & Sons continued. During World War I, the carpet looms were converted to make tent duck and navy blankets. In 1929 Alexander Smith & Sons was the largest manufacturer of carpets and rugs in the world.

Suck That.

Poon

I wiped my ass with a cat

2007-07-19T09:42:00.000-05:00

I guess getting something crammed up your ass is just a fact of life.

Pork Chop recently turned 40, and since Pork Chop’s dad died last year of colon cancer, Pork Chop’s wife made him go get a colonoscopy. Now, we all have to die of something. Pork Chop is thinking of going out the way the Good Doctor Hunter S. Thompson did—high, drunk and with a .45 causing mortal brain damage.

Because the stuff you have to drink the day before the procedure is terrible. Well, it doesn’t taste that terrible, but its effects are devastating, plus it’s oily in texture and you have to chug it every 15 minutes for about four hours and it makes you feel like you’re going to spray out your internal organs.

Before you start drinking this stuff, though, you have to take four laxatives. Four. That alone is enough to do two day’s worth of damage. Then, you drink a gallon of this mule piss, which makes you crap out everything you’ve eaten since you were 15 years old. By the end of the day, I could have shit through a screen door into a two liter bottle of Sprite. And towards the end of this awful callisthenic, when you wipe your ass, your hand is trembling because you know how much it’s going to hurt when you touch your bunghole for the 75th time that day. I mean, I thought I was starting my period.

Pork Chop’s wife and kid recently got a kitten and named her Scout. It’s from To Kill a Mockingbird. Read a book. Anyway, this cat loves to come into the bathroom when I’m pissing and stand on her back legs and look into the water. She appreciates the heavy sound of my ropey stream as much as the next animal, I guess. So this day before my colonoscopy, Scout is hanging around the bathroom a lot. I guess she mistook the sound of another 16 ounces of water squirting out of my ass for a good urine slash.

It was early evening and I was miserable, sitting on the can and flinching away from another wiping. But I did what was necessary and leaned over on my left ass cheek, because that’s the way normal right handed people wipe their asses, and Scout sneaks up from behind the commode and pokes her head between my cheek and the seat. But I didn’t know she was there. So when I reached back to wipe, instead of applying the Cottonelle to my sphincter, I grabbed the back of her head and wiped my asshole with her face. I’m still laughing about the look she had on her face. If a cat can be appalled, she was.

Pork Chop Out

Drama my ass

2007-07-18T13:06:00.000-05:00

Do you watch Entourage? I like it, my wife hates it, so that probably means it’s good. Hey, she’s still bitching at me for being a Neanderthal because I don’t want to watch The Age of Innocence. OK, so it’s a Martin Scorcese piece. So what? Two hours of boredom and no fucking or fighting. Great.

So, in Entourage, asshole Johnny Drama hooks up with a woman he wanted to bang 20 years ago and she brings along her friend for Turtle. The friend is supposed to give the best rim job in Los Angeles . But she’s fat and looks like a guy dressed up like a chick. Long story short, the good looking chick pulls a switch at the end and fucks Turtle, leaving Drama to his fate of rim jobbery. His face looks so sad as he gets his salad tossed.

My point is, if some chick gives you a rim job and jacks you off at the same time, that’s gay. What’s the difference if a chick does it or a guy? You’re getting your asshole licked while you get a reach around. If you don’t get some pussy afterward (and who would want to fuck that fat chick?), you might as well take the skin bus to poop town.

Things That Make Me Go “Hmmmmm”

2007-07-16T09:28:00.000-05:00

Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but I need to get a few things off my chest. Every time I turn on the idiot box, open a paper, or browse through some shitty magazine while waiting for a high school drop out with terminal acne to ring up my groceries, I see pictures of the twosome being marketed as America’s new sweethearts, David Beckham and his tart of a cum-dumpster wife, Posh Spice. This douche bag is being hailed as a “savior”, an “ambassador”, and a “pioneer”. What sport does Beckham play—oh, that’s right—soccer—communist kickball. Give me a break! Look at these pictures:

OK. They are nice pictures. I’ll give them that. But he still plays fuckin’ soccer.

On another note, THE Ohio State University announced the hiring of their new president, E Gordon Gee(k), this past week.

Gee’s first move was to replace athletic director Gene Smith with a younger administrator who he hopes will connect with the student athletes:

Finally, the University of Michigan (U-SCUM) has unveiled a monument to head football coach Lloyd Carr commemorating his role in elevating the OSU-Michigan game to its status as a rivalry:

Keywords like a mutha.....

2007-07-13T08:24:00.000-05:00

Avid down and distant reader, CFG, sends in a picture of his workspace

Making good on an earlier threat, today kids we are going to take a look at what keywords ~~unsuspecting rubes~~ visitors to Down and Distant use to find us. We use Statcounter which logs where our visitors come from, where they land and what key words they use to get here. Luckily for deviants like Hairy Carray and IndyBuckeye we can’t track what other sites you visit. Though, I suspect they're very GILFy and it probably involve ball-gags and nipple-clamps. Sorting through the literally ~~thousands~~ ~~hundreds~~ scores of visitors we get daily would be too much, so I’ll just hit some highlights.

O’Mazin Grace - More than a couple of folks tapped this into google and came up with Poon’s quick hit about the NBA lottery and a video of his Poon's half-brother singing the venerable spiritual O’Mazin Grace. He's a good singer, you should check it out.

Cyndi Lauper – Buckeye Savant’s pleadings to keep his relationship from taking up residence on the Island of Sappho brought a bunch of visitors. Mostly from Cyndi’s official fan site. Welcome carpet munchers. Zing.

Chris Isaak – I seemed to have stirred up the pot with his fans in a Chris Isaak chatroom. I’d barely heard of the guy whose music is described as a blend of country, blues, rock and roll, pop and surf rock. Add a dash of death metal and a pinch of rap and reggae and we might have something to talk about. I do like the comment from Anonymous though; you really can’t hear “Ass Hat” enough.

Roofie Colada – I’m not kidding. 6 people actually stopped by D and D after searching Roofie Colada. I’m not sure but I bet they were looking for a good recipe or maybe to find out if it works better in a Hello Kitty glass. (Insert clown suit joke here.) I am sure however they were disappointed to find out the post was a conversation with John McEnroe about tennis shoes.

Well now that was fun, no? It certainly wasn’t a blatant attempt to get words like “GILFy” and “Nipple-Clamp” in the interweb-world so maybe we can get more ~~suckers~~ new visitors on the ole bait and switch gambit. Because that would be cheap.

AWESOMENESS UPDATE: This just in....Someone in Virginia wanted to know "How to Suntan your pubes" which of course brought them to Savants piece on baseball promotions. He knows how to draw em in, that's fo sho.

PK out.

Yawn

2007-07-11T09:12:00.000-05:00

Who hasn't wanted to see this?

I thought I’d take a break from my nonstop ~~high-stress underpaid job~~ hung-over idling while Googling trannies in school girl outfits to throw a little Down and Distant love at you. Last night was the Midsummer Classic – MLB All-Star Game. Yawn. I know it’s regarded as the best all-star game of any professional sport, but what is signifies to me is three days of no sports. The Dearth Days Of Summer. It makes me want to drink. Oh wait, what doesn’t? Anyway, I watched the player introductions and the National Anthem and then changed the channel before I felt the need to jam an ice pick in my temple to relieve the boredom. Speaking of the Anthem, Chris Isaak should have sung with this guy instead of the back up guy he used last night. He’s better and gets the crowd way more into it.

Leave some comments on the All-Star game if you have any, or on School Girl Trannies for that matter.

Tomorrow we take a look at the keyword searches that bring people to Down and Distant. Stay tuned.

PK out

Have you seen my weiner

2007-07-05T13:17:00.000-05:00

Joey "Jaws" Chestnut recently downed 66 steaming wieners between soft cushy buns! That's not only a good weekend on Fire Island, but also good-enough to win the annual Nathan's Coney Island Hot Dog-Eating Championship held on the 4th of July. Finally, an American has won the mustard belt in the tube-steak tussle. Chestnut beat 6-time champ Takeru Kobayashi as both set personal-best competitive eating records. I suppose it's fitting that the championship reside in our country, perhaps the most gluttonous of all.

Several of our staff have been known to take down a plate or three of food at a sitting (including the unbelievable pairing of a patty melt with pancakes by P.K., a feat which had never been accomplished before) and always lived to tell about it. Still, I can't help but ask the obvious question: just what in the hell does their stool look like the next day? 66 wieners and buns?!?

Sweet Jesus.

Once we know that answer, we'll have, as our friend and possible future down and distant contributor Paul Harvey says, "the rest of the story."

Good for you Joey - those bowels aren't going to impact themselves.

War competitive eating!

Savant Out.

Engine 51…Engine 51

2007-06-28T08:19:00.000-05:00

Stop at 7-11 and get some Rice Krispie treats and some Mountain Dew. I’m so stoned. Awesome. I wish I had a tape recorder because this is some funny shit. Hey did we get any munchies yet. Sweet.

Until 4:20 - PK out.

I know it’s fake, I don’t care. When you are as handsome as I am, facts don’t really matter that much.

Pete Rose's Sister Just Gave Me Shit

2007-06-21T21:18:00.000-05:00

Late? Yes. At the bar? Yes. Drunk? Yes. Have a life? No. Well, I'm drunk here at the local bar and while I was sending out a small update to some of my fellow workers, I was heckled. Yes, heckled. For fuck's sake I'm trying to get a little fucking work done. By whom do you ask? Pete Rose's sister. Believe it or not it was. In all honesty, we were inseperable. Was there a moment? I think so. She breathed heavily on my neck while she badgered me about "why the fuck are you working" and shit like that. Really, I can't help it that some people have jobs you dirt leg skank. I wouldn't mind kicking her straight in the puss. Right now I am getting the waitress here to get me a good picture of her dancing in her drunk state in front of nobody. Yeah bitch. I have the upper hand here. I have pull and I hope that the next time your raspy ass voice doesn't ever talk to me again. If you do then I will seriously drop kick your 74 year old mother from Planes, Trains and Automobile looking ass through a wall. Well Take this bitch.
Nice dancing.......as if anyone would notice.
Poon

*UPDATE: Yeah, I hit it.

Tiger Woods got to have some of this.

2007-06-19T08:11:00.001-05:00

If I am pressed to reveal my life’s passion on this mortal coil, I must say that it is being the guy who breaks the newest news. I’m usually right there in front of AP, Fox and the rest with the latest headlines. Obviously, I’m not talking about stuff like war, politics or the market….I’m all about the important stuff. Sports and Entertainment.

So anyways. Here’s another one for you. Tiger Woods' wife Elin is pregnant. I know. He got to make his “O” face while looking down at this heavenly creature. Or at least at the heavenly back of her head, while giving her a heavenly "Tony Danza". Way to go Tiger. Lucky.

Signing off, PK

UPDATE: In the world’s fastest gestation period Elin Woods had a baby girl, Sam Alexis Woods. I guess it stands to reason that Tiger’s seed would fire up in there with a sonic boom. Prediction: 18 years from now….World domination by Sam Woods.

Damn. PK